background: legally separated on way to divorce at some point. she's been with multiple people since our false recovery ended including someone she's been living with for last month or so. i'm not even speaking with her despite her efforts and using her parents for message. it's just too painful for me right now even to try to remain friends like she wishes. i have no desire to reconcile as i'm too hurt.

situation: my child (in 1st or 2nd grade) has a bday coming up in another month and i'm not speaking with my ex. i'm planning a party for my child's classmates and family (including inlaws) to attend. i really don't want to see my ex, especially at my house. anyways is it selfish of me to tell her she's not welcome and to celebrate our child's bday the next day herself? altho my ex doesn't deserve to come, i don't want to penalize my child and possibly make her feel unloved. any opinions please?

no, she should not be there.

Not getting to be involved in family things is part of the territory when you choose others over your own family.

X2

I have been to establishments and both my EX and I were at our kids Bday party.....but, when my EX has the Bday parties at her house, I kindly say no I cant make it. I then do a separate party on my own.

I disagree, If the party were for YOU, The Ex shouldn't be there. The Party is for a child, and if her presence makes the child happy, it's time to briefly set aside adult problems.

Assuming she would be coming alone. Be the bigger person offering to set aside issues for the kids sake, and happiness. If she declines, you offered... Oh Well.

Just my .02

I agree with those that state that choosing others over your own family pretty much answers your question.

If the child asks, then I think you should invite on the condition she comes alone, but purely on the child's request.

I just have to ask this....why do you not know if your child is in 1st or 2nd grade?

When parents are divorced (or nearly so), they don't do children's birthday parties together anymore. It doesn't even have anything to do with infidelity. You're not a couple anymore, so you do things separately. That includes celebrating a child's birthday. You celebrate how you choose to, and she can celebrate how she chooses to.

It's probably to late to do anything about it now, but in the future, you might reconsider inviting the in-laws to something like this. That just highlights XW's absense and makes the statement that "XW isn't invited." But your position shouldn't be "I don't invite XW to parties." Your position should be "We're [nearly] divorced, so we don't do stuff together anymore."

Simple,
her time to celebrate her child's party is during her time with child. Maybe child gets two parties, all the better. You don't have to suffer her presence in your home for this, these are the consequences of her behavior, and very normal way for separated/divorced parents to handle it.

FTS

seekingwife, for some stupid reason, i was trying to remain somewhat anonymous. i have sole custody of my child and really do know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

i am trying to think back growing up as my parents divorced when i was my child's age. thanks everyone for the feedback so far, i do appreciate it.

Ahhhhh.....LOL. Ok. That makes sense. I wasn't trying to be a jerk...I was just so perplexed how you could NOT know.

Some would say they have the correct answer.

There is no rule, or right or wrong answer.

Just factors or things to consider. The Child.

I agree with those who posted that you have a birthday celebration with your child during your time with them and then the other parent has a birthday celebration with the child when they have the child for a day.

When I told my daughters (older than yours) that they would spend alternating holidays between me and my WH they flat out refused! They insisted that WE were a family BUT not WH anymore because he had chosen to leave US for the OW and her kid. They didn't see why he should get to spend holidays with his kids if he was choosing to break up the family. I warned them that a mediator or judge might tell them that's how it would be but they said they didn't care what some judge said they would NOT split up the family any further over holidays. I ended up having "visitation at the daughters' disgression" written into both the separation and divorce papers. To date none of the daughters has chosen to spend any holidays with WXH instead of with me and sisters...

Of course there will be weddings in the future where I presume they will invite WXH and X-laws.

i would not invite her. she should have her own party for your daughter.

mlhb

just for some closure and in case anyone is curious, my ex is going to take our child out for dinner the next night along with her parents. had a bit of drama as ex called blocking her callerid so i wouldn't know it was her as we've been communicating thru others as i really don't want to talk to her (i'm not doing nc). anyways as i was telling her to email me instead of phone, the topic came out and i said you weren't invited yet. afterwards i thought about it and talked to a friend and they asked if i could suck it for the duration of the party and then said child can spend night at familys like usual and i go crash if i needed to afterwards. but mil suggested they do dinner next day instead.