Help! I'm tired of the pain caused by ex's abuse & adultery. When do I get to draw a line? Two years of cheating, one year of fake "test" to see if I could forgive him (meaning he just got very good at hiding it) another year of divorce and having to live with him waiting for our house to be sold... I'M TIRED OF BEING HURT AND BEING A DOORMAT TO HIM AND INSENSITIVE (no fault) LAWS THAT PUNISH THE PRODUCER AND SUBJECT TO A DEADBEAT CHILD ABANDONING (HIS FIRST TWO KIDS - 5 years into our legitimate marriage) NARCISSISTIC ADULTERER WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE!

My 14 year old daughter last night told me that a woman who lives near her will be making her halloween costume. I happen to know that my ex's girlfriend sews some of her own clothes and makes costumes, as said by my ex before I knew he was cheating. She was shown samples and is now very excited about this costume plan. She and I had previously discussed making her costume and I'm good with sewing as well - I've made most of her costumes in the past.

She will be with me on Halloween. I am still in so much pain over my recent divorce and the thought of having to look at this woman's costume on my daughter in my own home just kills me. It's a boundary violation! It seems right that if she's with me on Halloween, that it be our holiday... entirely. Or, she should spend it at her Dad's. It just doesn't seem right that they should impose this way, without any consideration for me.

Just how big am I expected to be? Where is the line drawn? The law said these days here, those days there. Period. My ex has no boundaries. Narcissists view everything as their own to be exploited. He even threatened my 18 year old daughter by telling her he would make her wish she'd never been born if she didn't loan him money to pay his rent. Yes, he's that bad.

But, I don't want to hurt my daughter, force her to be in the middle... But, I have to draw a line and if I give in on this, what other boundaries will they disrespect? I'm sorry that my daughter is in the middle, but it just seems to me these things should be agreed between adults first or left alone if the child will be with the other parent. And what I decide will also teach my daughter how to draw boundaries so she doesn't become someone's doormat.

Can you help me decide what to do? I let this man walk all over me the whole 18 year marriage. Enough!

Does your ex know how you feel about this? The easiest way without bringing DD into the mix would be to inform him before the costume gets too far underway (i.e. DD is looking forward to wearing it). Now if it were my STBX, he wouldn't have a clue why something like this would upset me and we'd end up in a raging arguement but with the chance I'd win the battle, I'd do it just to keep it away from the kids. If that approach is out of the question, or if it doesn't work, your DD is old enough to understand that looking at something made by OW hurts you. If you are honest and gentle when you explain it to her, she will likely agree to wear something you provide, plus learn to be more sensitive to things like this in the future. In fact, it does hold a smidgen of mother/daughter bonding potential for a young, soon-to-be woman who might appreciate seeing her mom in more human terms.

Thank you so much for your gentle consideration of my feelings, Tabby1! I can't tell you how healing that is, all by itself.

This morning on the way to work I had decided to have that gentle talk with my daughter. She does care how I feel - she was so sweet the night she told me about the costume, so considerate. She could tell it hit a nerve and she really wanted to understand. I tried to play it strong and not make a big deal about it, but she knows me and had a hard time leaving it alone.

Part of my problem is that her father abused me - things akin to rape, things I can't explain to her for her own good. He also did things like cut up my lingerie when I wouldn't let him abuse me anymore. In some states this is a crime, it is in mine, but I didn't know it at the time and so I didn't save the evidence and couldn't prove it.
After we were divorced, but stuck living in the same house until it sold in June, I couldn't even bring myself to look at him or talk to him, I just pretended he wasn't there and stayed away as much as was humanly possible. But, he would get into my things and do things to them -things he knew only I would see. When we were in the process of moving out, he peed in my plants. He's sick!

My daughter can't know these things. But, that's why the feelings surrounding these boundary violations are so hard - I feel like the world is demanding that I just not feel - that these wounds inside me are insignificant, nothing, in consideration of everybody else's well-being. The problem with not honoring my own feelings is that it festers to the point of not being able to concentrate, I fall into dysfunction and depression until I honor myself. I kept God very close while going through all that. I felt like He was the only one who understood.

I think people, even me, mistake these feelings for pride, when they're really very deep wounds. I wish it didn't happen, I wish it didn't matter, but this is part of who I am now. I didn't put it there, but I have to deal with it.

I will have a talk with her - I want her present life to be pleasant. She doesn't deserve to be caught in the middle. If this woman matters to her, I won't stand in the way of that. But, I can't have her or my ex or anything from them anywhere near my life - it tears me to pieces! Not the divorce, not the rejection. I've been divorced and I've been rejected before him. It's having been abused and that this woman was the reason my ex became so abusive sexually and in other ways. My daughter can't know those things. She has to live over there half the time. It will damage her.

Tabby1, whoever you are, you are insightful and compassionate. Thank you.

This:



Your 14 year-old:



What does your divorce decree say regarding custody and living arrangements for your children?

BTDT! Once married to a narcissist! It is a having a bad nightmare with your eyes wide open!

How do you feel about her safety in his company?

I'm confused. You daughter KNOWS the OW is making the costume and she lied about it? She told you a woman down the street is making it so as not to hurt you??

If this is the case, are you not concerned that your daughter is so sucked into this garbage that she is going around lying?

This seems more of an issue than you being hurt because the OW can make a stupid costume. Is your daughter in counseling?

OMG! Ragamuffin that is exactly what having him in my life has been like! "A nightmare with your eyes wide open!" You don't know it til you live it.

My ex instructs my daughter to lie to me. I, in turn, instruct her that there isn't anything worthy of lowering yourself to lying and that it is a demeaning, degrading and destructive thing to do. There isn't anything I'm afraid of hearing, but lying disappoints me, because it's wrong. I am absolutely NOT ok with the lying and call her on it. It's like this... my ex thinks niceness and compliance is equal to mental health - that's the sick world he grew up in. So, he manipulates the world to look like that. Since I have morals and character, he thinks I'm wrong to point out injustice and right wrongs. When it comes to emotions, the only ones allowed are the feel-good fuzzy ones. So, he tells my daughter not to tell me things he knows are wrong.

I think there also might be a chance too, that he wants to limit my exposure to his girlfriend, because he knows once she finds out the truth of who he is she's out of there. She doesn't seem like a bad person (just never got the don't-date-married-men memo and has no clue for what evil she was used) and the things he's doing with her now are some of the things he did with me in the beginning, manipulating so I wouldn't find out his true nature until he had me under his 'control'.

My ex is incapable of mature healthy intimacy (not talking about sex here). He's a twisted porn-addicted pervert. Hiding the truth is what he has to do because he knows how destructive the truth is. He knows he has a filthy nature. He is a master manipulator and he is very very covert. The only thing I know for sure is he wants people to think he's a really great guy. He won't hurt her because he needs her so he doesn't have to pay child support anymore and he doesn't want to look bad to his girlfriend. He's already driven our other daughter away. He will drive this one away too, because he drives everyone away, except the one person under his control.

I've tried to get my daughter in counseling, but she's been so irritated with the four year affair and divorce nightmare of late that she refuses to go. She just wants it to be over with. She's a great kid, compassionate, has friends, gets good grades. She just doesn't want to deal with the stuff of the divorce anymore.

Try to think of me this way... rape is defined as having been forced to do something sexual against your will either by violence (binding, hitting, etc.) or coercion. You know you have been raped by the condition it leaves you in. His girlfriend was a part of that, but I know she didn't do it to me directly, so I'm ok that she's a part of my daughter's life (sorta), but I don't want her anywhere near me, because I become the damaged, frightened victim and I can't function that way. All I can control is how close they get to me. You wouldn't expect someone who'd been raped and abused to enjoy, or even be capable, of sitting in a courtroom facing the accused, would you? That's what it's like. I'm fine if they stay away. When they come close I freeze and cry and panic. I have post-traumatic stress syndrome and things trigger me and before I know it I'm right back in. Distance is my friend. My daughter came home with a ring one of them bought for her and I can't bring myself to look at it. I try, I do it for her, but it makes me physically ill and I feel terrible about that!

And you know what? This is all hearsay. There isn't anything I can prove. That's the most demeaning isolating thing of all. So, if I can't save my daughter from this sicko, because of limited funds and the lack of proof, the best thing I can do is stay as close as possible to still function and be a positive influence on her.

I wouldn't feel bad about this woman if she wasn't a part of his life anymore, knew the truth and had a chance to see the other side of this narcissistic pervert. I have prayed that she find out the truth. But, as long as she's under his influence she makes me sick and anything from her makes me sick. Because he makes me sick.

Oh and since this is a 'no fault' state, it's 50-50 custody, two days with him, two with me and every other three day weekend. Unless you can prove it's no good for the kids.

Could what he said to your oldest be revisited with the courts? To lay a foundation for custody change? To prove it's "no good for the kids". Including proof of Parental Alienation by having your youngest lie to you. Parental Alienation illegal in some states and gaining more ground. Google the topic, read up, it really opened up my eyes to what some children of divorce and a parent have to endure.

I know how intimidating it is to engage in a court battle with someone so self absorbed and SICK. Had we had children together, I'd have pulled no stops to be granted sole custody for everyone's mental health and safety.

Your ex will be the EXACT same to this new fling......it will take time.....it WILL happen! I've witnessed it!!!!!!! Another victim of narcisstic ways!

My ex's girlfriend caught him cheating red handed AND still got goo-goo when he asked her to marry him on 7-7-07. They did and are, Think the numbers will give this marriage luck? I think NOT!!! They don't change!

My daughter probably would not tolerate me isolating her from her dad. I've considered how bad it would be to leave her there and how bad it would be to try to take her away and I'm convinced at this point that eventually he'll just sink himself. He's left a long ugly trail of destruction and it's going to catch up with him.

Also, he believes I've alienated our oldest daughter from him. I did not - she chose not to have anything to do with him, even used to hide in his car to see if he was lying to me again and visiting his girlfriend. But, you can see that with his denial and beliefs, it would be an ugly battle. He really believes he's a good man. SICK!

Actually, I picture a spider web, he's the spider, and the girlfriend doesn't realize she's about to be caught and have the life sucked out of her. (I constantly fight the battle within me to warn her or let the chips fall out of vengeance. I've prayed much about this and have come to the conclusion that it's in God's hands. I've tried to warn her and she didn't believe me - she won't believe me anyway.)

I sense trouble for him in his future. I can't imagine how, but God does everything perfectly, so I just remain close and take good care of my daughters and pray pray pray.