long-story short. found out H had affair 7 weeks ago. he left for 3 days and came back wanting to work on M. He was honest about times OW & him had contact and he admitted he cared alot about her. i admit that probably everyday except maybe 3-4 days I asked him so many questions and cried about this to him everytime we were together. last week was his bday & OW called and asked him to lunch which he accepted and lied to me about. this happened the day after i had a breakdown and told him i wanted to pack my bags and run away & how i had wished someone had come taken me away from this marriage too. he said it pissed him off.

ever since i found out about lunch i have been back on that question and harping on it everyday. i even told him to leave and be with her if he wanted and he said he wanted to be at home with me and he loved me. after days of this constant tension and my outbursts he had a blow up on wed. and has been avoiding me. he said last night that he was here trying to give it time to work but he didn't think I could ever stop talking about it and he felt like a caged animal b/c I wouldn't let it go. he said he was giving it time and he loved me and he wanted us to be happy but he wasn't sure if we'd be happy long-term and right now he needed space. He is living at home and sleeping on the couch rgt now but he still hugs me everymorning and says I love you. Has he given up or is this anger at me and avoidance symptoms of the withdrawals from seeing her again? I am about to give up - I can't take much more of this. Please advise!!!

Thanks in advance for any help. I really appreciate it.

Well, quite alot has to happen right now in order for you to heal. You have receieved a traumatic blow the equivelant of RAPE or the death of a child and it is not going to go away overnight. Your H needs to understand that. It will take you 2 years to recover from this. That is what it takes.

But that will never happen until he ends all contact with his OW. If she is married, then you should notify her husband TODAY, without warning. Your H needs to agree to NEVER EVER see her again for life and to send her a no contact letter that is written together, approved by you and mailed by you.

That is the first step.

The second step is you MUST STOP lovebusting him. He owes you the truth, but your questions must be asked politely and CALMLY. if you find yourself getting too upset, then leave the room. But your H is in withdrawal rihgt now and the WORST THING you can do for your marriage is lovebust him now.

Go to the bookstore here and get Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. Read the articles I post and listen to Dr. Harley on the radio [accessed from this webpage] from 10-1cst. You can even call him up if you want.

I am sorry you are here, littlebit, but you have come to the right place.:( You will get lots of help here.

Dr. Harley video on adultery: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

Recovery after an Affair: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

SAMPLE NO CONTACT LETTER Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she�s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

I have always hated this comparison and it is one in which I heartily disagree.

I nearly lost a son to childhood cancer. His mother eventually leaving me for another man was NOTHING compared to the utter despair I felt when being told repeatedly that my son was going to die and there was nothing that could be done to save his life. Her infidelity was NOTHING compared to the raw anguish of kissing my child's bald little head every night and not knowing if it would be for the last time.

This is MY opinion, and I find the comparison tremendously insulting.

I would gladly suffer a thousand infidelities than go through one more minute of that kind of pain...

Beowulf

Beowulf, Dr Harley would disagree with you and he is a licensed psychologist with 40 years experience treating thousands of victims of adultery. He calls it the worst thing that can happen to a person.

I would also disagree with you and I have actually LOST a son. He was killed in a car accident 8 years ago. Yesterday was his birthday.

You can only speak for your own pain, Beowulf, not for that of others. Here is Dr. Harley's video describing the trauma of adultery: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

I agree, I can only speak of MY pain, and if ALMOST losing a son was more painful than my first wife's infidelity, than losing that child most certainly would have been more painful; the pain of her infidelity would have absolutely paled in comparision.

Like I said in my first post, it is my opinion, based on my experiences.

That is all anyone can offer on this site; their opinions based on their experiences.

Has Dr. Harley ever lost a child? Has Dr. Harley ever been cheated on? Has Dr. Harley ever been raped?

No?

Then he really isn't qualified to say that being cheated on is worse than losing a child or being raped. Just because someone says it is so does not mean it is for everyone.

Again, just my opinion.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your son; I cannot begin to imagine your pain.

God bless you.

Beowulf

I will tell you that I find it very insulting that you would dimiss MY PAIN and the pain of others.

You dismiss Dr. Harley's statement on the basis that he has NEVER "lost a child" or "been raped," well, NEITHER HAVE YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

But what he does have, that you don't, are the statements of those who HAVE experienced it in his capacity as a psychologist. He has treated these people, you have not.

Dr Harley is very qualified to make that statement as he has treated THOUSANDS of people and is a PSYCHOLOGIST.

Seriously, Melody, are you emotionally unbalanced?

I am not dismissing YOUR pain. I am acknowledging it but also saying that MY pain is very different.

So in actuality it is YOU that is dismissing MY pain, insisting that my feelings are not accurate, because Dr. Harley disagrees.

Again, I did not lose a son, but I ALMOST lost one, and to ME, that pain was greater than the pain of my wife's infideilty.

Again, it is MY opinion, one in which I am entitled to, just as you are entitled to yours.

Lose the hubris, Melody. It is ugly and off-putting.

Beowulf

Beowulf, and Dr. Harley, a licensed psychologist with 40 years experience who SPECIALIZES in adultery, is entitled to his opinion too, no? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

littlebit...

Have you been reading about this site...and how it sort of works...

the concept round here is that obviously one of the major issues of the affair is that good communication between the wayward spouse...and the betrayed spouse pretty much is non existant round D-day...(discovery of the affair....)

Plan A is what this recomends for lack of a better term..

Plan a is about getting and keeping and opening up lines of communication.....where the usual quid pro- post discovery is way way way too emotionally challenged and charged to have anything useful accomplished...

it is a blue print so to say to traverse these initial dark days...

it takes a lot to form an outside affair...with lots of justiication and compartalmentalization from the WS...and it takes time to open that back up...and break the patterns and cycle of the affair that the WS usual for survival....

there is also the issue of exposure

is the OW married
children
do you have children

have exposed/told anyone...

how do they know eachother..and is no contact doable logistically.....?

the first step is to stop letting your own actions and reactions become a weapon turned back on you....

I will try to dig up a plan A guideline as it hasn't surfaced for a while...

ARK

I almost lost one of my children in a serious accident a few years ago. The pain from my FWW's A was exceedingly greater IMO.

My dad died unexpectedly at the age of 53. While my grief over that was tremendous (I was very much a daddy's girl) the pain and grief from my husband's betrayal was much worse and devestating to me.