This is my first post. I have been married for 15 years. I found out that my wife was having an affair 2 months ago. The OM and family were close family friends for 6 years. He became obsessed with her 2 years ago and we tried to deal with it unsuccessfully. A year ago they became physically involved. The affair has ended and there is no contact between her and the OM. My wife insists that the affair was the result of manipulation and abuse and there is much evidence to support this. When she confessed I offered forgiveness and immersed myself in MB materials. I insisted on a certain amount of transparency about the extent of the affair and she insists that she has revealed everything to me. However, she is completely indifferent to our marriage, angry with me, and blames me for a loveless marriage. I'm suspicious that there is much more to be revealed and frustrated because I'm not sensing that there is enough honesty or a willingness to recover. Any thoughts?

Does she EVER see or speak to the OM? Does his wife know? Where do they live?

No that is not possible for legal reasons initiated by her. The OM is separated from his wife now. They live half hour drive away.

Super,

""He became obsessed with her 2 years ago and we tried to deal with it unsuccessfully.""

Please explain this. Who is "we". And how did you unsuccessfully deal with it?

""the affair was the result of manipulation and abuse and there is much evidence to support this.""

Now, REALLY explain this one!! We talking RAPE here? Who is manipulating and abusing?

I think we need to know these things before we can give you our thoughts.

kirk

But does the OM's wife know of the affair?

Does your wife EVER see the OM? At church? At work?

Can you elaborate? What is not possible and why?

In August she tried to break off all contact and had to go to the police. The police began an investigation and he was subsequently arrested and charged for criminal harassment. She cannot contact him because she would be interfering with the police investigation. She is terrified of him. She says that she never loved him or pictured a future together with him.

I gotcha!

sf, what is she angry about? How would you rate yourself on lovebusters, etc? Do you know her ENs and what conditions led to the affair?

She is angry about the condition of our marriage over the past 6 years. She is completely unaffectionate even when I try to initiate. She will not have sex because of lack of intimacy. She is also angry about the escalation and way that her affair was exposed. I try to avoid lovebusters but frustration gets the best of me at times. Her indifference forces me to be just congenial with her. I do not know her EN's because she is unable to articulate them. I think that the amount of attention she was getting and his desire to do "anything" for her led to the affair.

And how would she rate you in this department?

She would rate me very low.

What have you done to change this?

superfluous, have tried to romance her back into the marriage? What have you been doing? Have you forgiven her? Do you beat her up for her affair?

I'm trying to romance her back into the marriage. She is suspicious and does not believe that I am being genuine. She continues to hold the past over me. We are in counseling but she seems dissintersetd in the process. She has stated that she is tired of wasting her free time on counseling. She has stated that she is doubtful that anything will change for the better.

I absolutely forgive her for the affair although I wish I had gone to my grave having not experience this pain and hurt. Initially because of her deception I was beating her up (a bit, verbally, not literally) in order to get the bottom line. I have stopped doing that. She continues to be distrusting of me, indifferent, and blames me. I still get the feeling she's hiding something or that I do not know the full extent of the affair.

Then what does she want from you? Why is she still hanging around?

What do you think she is hiding?

We have 2 kids (girls), 11 and 14... A nice house and although I admit I haven't provided for her emotional needs in the past I think she is indifferent to the prospect of separation and divorce... unless she's bluffing (which at this point isn't my call). She has stated several times that she doesn't have faith that things are going to get better.

I'm not sure that she is hiding anything. I think that there is a possibility that if the case goes to court I might find out that the affair was much more extensive and longer than she has admitted. I just have a hard time reconcilling her anger and indifference toward me when I am the one who is taking the leadership in recovery and reconcilliation.

superfluous, you might check into getting marriage coaching from Steve Harley from Marriage Builders. If anyone can thaw out a frosty WW, he is it. The way he does it is to give them HOPE that the marriage can be better. FRom that point, he TEACHES you both to learn to meet each others needs and stop the lovebusters. He is not going to waste your time talking about your feelings, but will assess your situation and give you a PLAN.

From that point on, you would only have sessions as needed. He is $185 a session and is worth every penny. He won't waste your time.

Another option is go to a Marriage Builders weekend given by Dr. Harley and get a CRASH COURSE in MB. There is usually a RELUCTANT spouse in every couple and he is often able to turn this around. He and his staff guide you through all the lessons personally for the next year. If your W is reluctant, they work with her one on one.

You also have daily access to Dr.Harley on this forum [another section] to ask him questions or discuss problems. My H and I went to this and got SOO much out of it. I wish we would have gone much earlier [we didn't go until this year] because I think it would have put us on the right track so much sooner.

Here is the link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

The next one is coming up this month in Orlando.

Thanks for your help. At this time money is a huge issue as I have not only lost my job over this but my livelyhood (as I have pastored for 19 years) and cannot continue because of this situation. We may lose everything in a matter of months however, I agree that nothing is more important than my marriage (and kids) and will do my best to utilize these resources.

I am so sorry you are in this position, sf. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> How did you lose your job?

Will there be a court case?

Would your wife come here and talk to us?