It sounds kind of like she is behaving like the typical wayward wife. Even though things turned out badly for her and the OM, she still had a fantasy thing going.

And now her whole life and the life of her family is coming unraveled. So she HAS to blame you, and also claim that the OM was a predator. Otherwise that would make her a rather terrible woman.

I would continue doing Plan A, with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. Work on the things that she complained about, and don't talk about the relationship right now.

It DOES sound like this affair just developed from a friendship. People without good strong boundaries tend to fall into trouble.

Thank you believer. My feeling is that I need to do just as suggested. I think I may have to come to terms with the extent to which she has fallen out of love with me as well. That's tough to acknowledge.

Thanks for your sympathy. When my church found out (before I even knew anything) they immediately called a board meeting, stated their non-confidence in my continuance as senior pastor. I had to resign (although under duress). In many ways I felt like I was treated like a lepor. I guess it's ironic that I was the only one who lost my job as well. Oh well, I'm not bitter because I needed out of there fast and there are too many other important things to be concerned about.

Super:

You lost your JOB because of her Affair?

Is there more to this story?

Was your job performance so seriously affected by the A to warrant this?

How about a little more here?

Can her disenchantment be aggravated by your recent job loss? Did you get alot tougher on her at that point?

Just wondering.

LG

Hi Lousy. Yes, I did lose my job as a pastor of a small church because of her affair. The OM was a board member who I was led to feel responsible to. There is more to it inasmuch as we had challenges during the tenure of the ministry... my wife was not accepted by some in the church. I don't think that my job performance was at issue at all. I know that I could not have continued to pastor after I learned about the extent of the affair, for emotional reasons. I was also immediately forced to resign once the church found out. I felt like I was treated like a lepor. As I tried to deal with suspicions over the years, yes, I did warn her that this situation could explode on us. She did not listen. When I lost my job and found out about the affair I offered forgiveness. I have not slammed her with "I told you so's" and have tried my best to work with MB philosophy. At this point I'm trying to be an agent for forgiveness, understanding, and love. Sadly however, I am coming to realize the extent to which I believe she has fallen out of love with me. This is tough!

sf, am I to understand that she is about 2 months past her last contact with the OM? I think I missed that earlier.

Yes ML. there has been absolutely no contact since July 18. The OM followed her to a grocery store, jumped in her vehicle and took her keys. she was there for 2 hours before she could get away. He was making demands (i.e., "now we're going to do things my way"). He was very bold at this time and thought the the collapse of everything in our lives would make me leave so that he could step in. At that same incident he tried to forbid her from visiting my family out of town. She says that this was a turning point for her and her anger toward him turned to "hatred" (used in a vernacular sense). My wife initially went to the police about the incident and they were interested in laying a charge of forcible confinement but at this point everything was so sketchy in terms of "how afraid she really was of him" coupled with what she put up with. We were advised to start journaling from that day forward and the OM received 4 strong warnings from the police. In a matter of 2 months he demonstrated that he could not abide by the conditions of the warning (in a number of really stupid and even frighteningly pathological ways) and so he was subsequently arrested for Criminal Harrassment.

I highly doubt that she has much if any love for me. She will not say in response to my "I love yous", so I try not to make these times uncomfortable and not over-do it. I assume that he (OM) played my worst characteristics repeatedly with brainwashing effect and, she has also let it slip that she had made comments to him about the poor state of our relationship. Any of our talks which work seem to end with me being to blame and with her lack of optimism that I can change. However, I have no sense from her that any change is necessary for her or is even forthcoming. She interprets many things I say as condescending and mistrusts my attempt to talk because she thinks I'm always working toward an agenda against her. This situation is tearing my guts out. I'm terrified that she is going to get colder and colder and that as money runs out and the house sells we'll be forced into separation.