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My marriage counselor recommended my wife and I see this Psycologist who write this book.
Chapter#2 talks about the lonely woman who gets into an affair. It seems that his recommendation is to let her decide the timing and take her time leaving her affair partner.
Apparantly, the rational is that she needs to come to her own decision in a slow thoughful manner so that she knows how to move foward.
It seems very opposite to the Steve Harley approach of applying maximum pressure to break up the affair of the wayward wife.
I'd be interested in if anyone else has read this book.
Welderman
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The problem with this strategy is that the marriage would more likely be destroyed by the time the affair ended because the BS would have fallen out of love. Adultery is a traumatic ABUSE and a huge LOVEBUSTER. If a BS sits around for couple of years of abuse, just waiting for it to end, he/she more likely will grow TO HATE the WS and leave the marriage.
For women, it would be even worse, because they are inclined to nervous breakdowns and years of post traumatic stress disorder.
I fully understand and believe in Dr. Harley's reasoning behind Plan B. It is a stroke of genius that protects the BS and reflects an ACCURATE understanding of the trauma of adultery. I think some psychologists, mc do not really understand the gravity of adultery and miss the boat in many ways in this regard.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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welderman, did you decide to go to a MB weekend? Dr. Harley on the purpose of Plan B: When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. In your case, you've noticed that you have experienced a detached feeling about it all, even your husband's filing for divorce. That's the way it's supposed to turn out. You are far more attractive while in emotional control of yourself than you would ever be begging and pleading for his return. You tried that tactic already, and it hasn't worked.
Plan B doesn't always work, but it does protect you from the intense emotional pain that you could be experiencing day in and day out. Your husband may divorce you, but it won't be because you have implemented plan B. And if he returns to you, it won't be because you have implemented plan B. But if he does return, with a sincere willingness to completely leave his lover and follow our plan for recovery, he'll find a wife who is still sane if you follow plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did read the book and also saw him.
For one session that I had alone with him, I thought he gave me some interesting ideas. The best one, I thought, was "Speak without offending. Listen without defending." I think almost anything I say can lead to offense (one MC pointed out to me that he was upset when I said "Good"), but I have worked hard to listen without defending. That can be tough when you are told what you think and then why it is wrong.
All in all, I thought Todd was a straight shooter with some good ideas, but I never did return to him. I went to him three months after D-day when I was running around to several different therapists. It's sad for me to think that I went to him more than five years ago, and here I am typing away on MB with 3,137 posts to my name. I wish I'd spent less time in therapy and on MB and more time simply observing my husband.
Harley gave me this advice once: ask him how he would know that you care about him. Whether you go to Todd or attend a MB weekend, that answer from your wife could reveal a lot to you.
Cherishing
Last edited by Cherishing; 10/13/07 12:50 PM.
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Unfortunately the woods are full of less than competent counseling. Some of them can even write a book, which means they can write whole sentences, have some sort of concept and can sell a publisher that the publisher can make bucks on the book.
The difference between a counselor and someone like Steve or his dad is simple; the Harleys are "Coaches" and the others try to get you to think of it yourself. That means that if your car breaks, if you are a counselor, you get a mechanic who tries to get you to fix it yourself. BFD
A Coach tells you who, what, when and why. A Marriage Coach gives you a plan that is based on developed guidelines and tailored for your individual situation. They teach and provide direction. They also train and explain. They have a specific set of goals, which is to save the marriage and make it stronger.
A counselor might just as easily lead someone to divorce.
If you want to save a marriage, go to a coach. If you want to spend a ton of money wandering around in the weeds, try a counselor.
Larry
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This is good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If you want to save a marriage, go to a coach. If you want to spend a ton of money wandering around in the weeds, try a counselor.
Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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I think it's VERY important to find out right from the beginning whether or not a mc believes in saving marriages. MANY don't really think there is anything wrong with divorce or even with adultery! You have to start out with a mc who is dedicated to helping you save your marriage AND who has some successful experience with saving marriages.
I think sometimes a mc tends to 'empathize' a tad too much with the waywards... I would stay away form any mc who views the BS's natural reactions to the betrayal as somehow 'wrong'. It's one thing to advise a BS that their natural reactions might be self-defeating and to provide them with more effective responses but it's not IMHO helpful to just judge the BS's feelings as inappropriate while coddling the WS in regards to their feelings and wants (justifications).
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The REASON that Dr. Harley is a cut above other psychologists/marriage counselors, IMO, is because he understands the mind of an adulterer because he understands the mind of an alcoholic/addict. He treated alcoholics for years. That is why Dr. Harley is such a genius in this arena. That is the KEY to understanding an adulterer and rarely do others understand this. Most NEVER see the connection!
This is probably one of the reasons marriage counselors are the LEAST SUCCESSFUL specialties in the counseling field. [16% success rate] They have a higher divorce rate than the gen pop!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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