Sad to say my M has finally gotten to the point where I feel I may have to take FWH's offer to take a polygraph but I was wondering if this would HELP our relationship by clearing the air once and for all, or if it will cause a rift since he swears he's telling the truth but I doubt his word.
What are others experiences with this? Any idea how MCs feel about it?

It should be taken. The truth is the foundation for any marriage and recovery. If it takes a polygraph...so be it. The danger is in a failed test or a spouse not taking responsibility for a failed test.
As an example....not polygraph related...on a recent episode of cheaters they had a woman on video tape having sex with her affair partner...when confronted with the evidence she ran away and proclaimed it wasn't her...but her twin. She had no twin sister!
The MC we went to was very against it at first...until he saw the continued lies and felt that she should jump at the chance to do it....he now recommends them to most of his infidelity couples.

Wow! Did you say he is offering? I would take him up on it for sure.

I would think that a FWH would know that his BS has every right to doubt his word for a long time. They have a long history of lying to us.

Perhaps he is eager to prove himself trustworthy.

Guess I should have clarified my situation. A was 10yrs ago and H seems to have been very trusting since then. Recently found out (by snooping) that he'd been chatting extensively with former co-worker (female) and lied about it. Also in checking computer cookies found links to internet dating sites for married people (SICKENING!), but when confronted he said it must have just been ads or popups from a porn site he was looking at (I'm ok with him looking at pics, just not talking to others). Took his word for that but dug farther into the computer and found a "signon" file that records all websites visited that required him to sign on to enter the website and I found 4 different married dating sites he signed on to. I know he has a friend that extensively cheats on his wife so this friend could have told him about the sites and H signed on just to see what they were about, or there could be something more. So now I'm considering polygraph.

well, the FACT that you he has a friend that "extensively cheats on his wife" should be unacceptable to you. I hope ... NO, I expect that you have informed the wife of this infidelity????? RIGHT?
Why are you married to a man that is looking at porn and finds it acceptable to befriend cheaters. We are judged by the comapny we keep and right now, your H seems to be lacking a base level of integrity.

MEDC,

I'm an idiot....sorry. Please explain the polygraph test procedure as you've seen it done.

How does one find a tech with equipment?

What are the confidentiality laws surrounding results?

Is a trained tech required or are there do-it-yourself systems?

My fear with my seemingly FWH being willing to do a polygraph is that the embarassment of a tech hearing the incriminating questions might force a false result and cause more problems.

Haven't seen the actual procedures discussed anywhere recently, but if there is a thread, please point or link.

Thanks,

Ace

Ace...do a search for polygraph exam...

the concern you have regarding embarassment is not an issue.

It is not a do it yourself thing.

Polygraph examiners are trained and licensed. Find one that has many years experience with law enforcement. You will be fine.

trey this link for an explanation...


http://www.polygraphexaminers.net/faqs.htm

I definitely encourage anyone contemplating involving a polygraph in recovery spend some quality time reading up on the procedure, the results and find a competent and recommended polygrapher.

I take regular polygraphs as part of my job (maintain clearances, etc) for an agency that really wants to rely on its employees. The polygraphers are trained to find areas where some indication of deciption or at least indirectness is being employed by the subject and press harder on that subject. I have seen people leave their jobs after consecutive sessions "in the chair" because they couldn't take the pressure and examination.

It's not a one question thing: "Have you ever cheated on your spouse?" Yes or No.

Good polygraphers will ask that question several different ways with different wording and inflection. Any deception would show up in each case and help negate concerns about embarrassment.

They would also ask questions that are embarrassing but ones which both the polygrapher and subject already know the truth so the physiological reaction of the embarrassment can be subtracted from the response of other potentially embarrassing questions where the truth is unknown.

I can say, after accumulating several days (a couple of hours at a time) "strapped in" over the course of my career, a reputable polygrapher knows his/her stuff. You can rely on them to work toward the truth, regardless of who it makes look good or bad.

A good tool which, like many other tools, if employed by someone who doesn't know what they're doing, can really set your recovery back.

Proceed with education, as MEDC suggests, and plenty of research.

Blessings

Thank you MEDC..I will check out the link.

Artor, I appreciate your personal experiences. That's what I was seeking, as searches often seem to produce generic info that may be outdated.

I am encouraged that my FWH was and is willing to do anything, including 'shock treatment' still being done for alcoholism. He had a mental eval for being a compulsive liar and the psychiatrist nearly laughed in his face....he said H just needs a cheerleader to help him build new habits of being truthful.

I will read MEDC's link and do other research before seriously considering this procedure.

THANKS!

Ace

so...have you informed the friends wife about the infidelity?
how do you feel about your H being friends with an adulterer?