GRRRRRRRRRR!

He did it again!

I am leaving tomorrow for a very annoying business thing. I will be gone until LATE (after the kids would be sleeping) Friday.
Which makes me sad. That I will not see my little angels.

Anyway, this is EX's weekend, and we worked it out that I would get the kids between 6 and 7 tonight, and he would pick them up around 8 in the morning, when I had to leave to get my flight.
It is 7:30 already. NO KIDS. I call him, and ask him where he is. He says in this annoyingly calm voice, "I will be there probably at 9 or 9:30.
I say, "No, the plan was that I was going to spend time with them, NOT just put them in bed!"
He said, "No, we never agreed on a time."
I said, "YES we did."

This is what REALLY happened with him. He was all 'in love' with this barslut. She dumped him for another guy, months back. Recently she came back in the picture, and he is spending every free second he has with her. With the kids. Which makes me annoyed, but what can I do? But when he is going to deprive me of seeing my kids because he is at a campfire with her, and her friends, with the kids, it makes me FURIOUS!!! I would NEVER have done this to him.

So I say, "look, the agreed upon time was no later than 7. If you do not have the kids here by 8, you can just kiss your little overnight with barslut (sigh, said her real name) goodbye. I cannot believe that you would do this."

His reply, "It IS my weekend." Which INFURIATES ME! I made out a calendar, for the month of Oct. with ALL of the changes with watching the kids, all of the things the kids had going on. He HAS it.

How do I NOT get so angry at his selfishness? And HOW do I deal with him? I actually burst into tears that I have not been able to spend the evening before I go with my kids! I am going to miss them.

I am very upset. I wish I NEVER had to deal with his selfish @ss!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Sorry this happened. I know it must be so irritating. But you need to lower your expectations. Just assume he is going to be a selfish, barsl*t chasing *ss. Then you won't be disappointed.

Plan B his sorry behind. When he doesn't pick up the kids as agreed upon, document it and go for more custody.

So, he NEVER SHOWED UP WITH THE KIDS.
I called him. He said, "Oh, they are having such a good time here, I decided to stay."

I am not going to get to see my girls until next Sat. And I am sad, and angry that he did this.

Selfish. He is just such an [email]A@@![/email]

No more 1st names for the OW. She is Mrs. _______ or give her your own name.... one of course you can share with others. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I called OW: PBR (psycho babble rabbit). She earned every letter! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

Jim-
No, he HAS the kids, I was supposed to get them tonight since I have to go out of town. And he never brought them for me to have...I have never been without them for more than 3 days, and that was twice, so I am not going to see them from today until next sat... and I am upset about that! He is so mean

Sadmo,

I am sorry to hear that your ex is being such an @ss. My xh has been behaving just as badly. Just keep in mind that his behavior is setting the precedence for future interactions, he is "lowering the expectations bar" as believer said. He can't expect from you what he is not willing to give. If he wants to be completely incosiderate, then show him the same courtesy.
I will post what my lawyer told me this week about what my XWH was doing if it helps..... I have "right of first refusal" in our custody agreement.



Keep track of his behavior. If he continues down this road he will regret it. Most importantly, don't let him see that his behavior is bothering you. His little power game only works if you get upset. Keep your chin up.

Orchid,
My favorite OW name was Ditchpig. I don't remember which poster came up with that gem, but it is a wonderful description of a cheating OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LL

Sadmo...was this his weekend with the kids? While I would hope you two can be amicable and work with each other...I would not expect it.
So, if it was his weekend with the kids, he was well within his rights to keep them with him...despite any agreement to the contrary. If it was to be your night as per your agreement, I would haul his skanky asss back to court and modify the agreement.
I would suggest that in the future that you never ask to have the children on one of his weekends...I assume his time with the kids is pretty limited as is. BUT here is the big point...NEVER...or at least until he earns the flexibility..give them up on any of your days. Stick to the schedule like it is carved in stone. Really, so you missed the kids for one extra day...in all reality, it is just one more day...you would miss them anyway. Put it in perspective..it's a day. The BIG lesson here is that he has taught you to NEVER be flexible with him. No excuse for a late check, a late drop off..etc. Hold him to the letter of your agreement and he will quickly realize that YOU are the one that wields the power and that he better keep you happy.
I have trained my sons mom that she darn well better work with me since he is with me 90% or more of the time and she needs my cooperation a heck of a lot more than I need hers.

Good luck.

I agree completely w/medc.

Sadmo, I think I told you back when you were on the EN board that your H has all the attitude traits that I've seen and heard with alcoholics. I'm not saying he has a problem with alcohol, just that he has that personality - the blaming you for his thoughts, feelings, and actions. The abdicating responsibility, only wanting to be around friends who wanted NOTHING from him but to show up.

And the actions that you take - the realizing that none of his 50% is or ever has been about you, the having backup plans, the letting go of expectations, are all the actions that help folks when dealing with an alcoholic.

The only time you show upset here on the board is when you "regress" and count on him to hold to his word, or spend time with him thinking he's a person who can relate to you in an honest way. I thought you had stopped doing that LOL.

I agree with the others, you and your family thrive best when you are deep and dark Plan B. You have an uncanny knack for this, Mo. Forgive yourself, you thought you were dealing with H for a moment LOL. Fortunately your slips are so few and far between, and you catch yourself so fast.

(((Mo)))

MEDC-
I see what you are ssying...but am on a business trip, and I have never been away from them so long.... really, really miss THEM.
Ears- It is not as though I am treating him like a H, it is that I am treating him like a normal, logial person. Which, he is not. I know this, but he 'tricks' me when he acts decent... I STILL want to treat him like a decent person, but he makes it SO HARD....

It even got worse. My dog (the dog he always says is his) ran away the night he did not bring me the kids. He still has not been found. I am sad, I am not at home, and EXH called me to ask why the [email]f@ck[/email] I 'let hi dog go!"
I love this dog. It is MY dog. So that upset me.
Thsn I was talking to my D, and she was SO EXCITED... they spent the night at barsluts the night that he did not bring them for me to spend time with them. So he stayed overnight with my girls, and barsluts kids.

Here I am, away from home, and I am so upset. There was nothing in our D agreement about him having the kids at the OW's house overnight.... Can the overnights be stopped???? I just do not think that it is a good way to teach my girls morals... that you just shack up with someone and their kids, with your small kids.
He told me the day after he did not bring the kids over, that I could have gone to OW's house to tuck the girls in, he just had not thought of it......

Can I get a court order barring him from having him spend the night at her house WITH the kids? (I do NOT care what he does in his own time).

Any suggestions?? I am getting pretty upset about my kids being there......

no, he can have the kids there if he chooses to. unless they are being subjected to something that is harmful to them...which is a pretty high threshold, you will have to grin and bear it.

what are you doing to find the dog? I am sorry to hear that happened...was dog with husband when he ran away??? or with you...I am confused by your wording. I assume that you have someone actively keepng touch with kennels every day so the dog is not euthanized by the SPCA if found.

as far as your business trip. The nature of divorce is that you will be inconvenienced at times and things like this weekend will happen. Learn to roll with the punches since your ex is obviously a jerk.

MEDC-

I have been calling the shelter, pounds, an humane societies... No luck. The dog is always WITH me... Ex just calls him his dog. My dad put up fliers everywhere...

I just HATE the fact that he does not even want to raise the girls in a proper way, and that he is SO selfish.... That he ONLY thinks of his immediate satisfaction.

I was told that barslut and him have been smoking 'herbal' cigs (if you get my point...) Do you think that I should bring him to court, to restrict custody, get him to take a drug test????

I HATE that he has no morals, and he is trying to teach my kids to have no morals!!!

ARRRGHHHHH! I am frustrated and sad.....

yes...if they are doing drugs around the kids he should be taken to court immediately.

SadMo, sorry, I didn't mean that you thought of him as your H, I meant that you thought of him as the fog-free person that once was your H.

Absolutely, you should find out about getting him drug tested. Your instincts are telling you your kids shouldn't be with him right now, where they haven't for a long time. Mother's intuition, you know?

So this had me laughing....
EXH called me. To tell ME that he is taking ME to court. He changed his mind, HE wants full custody of the kids, AND the house.....
I said to him that he should have paid a little bit more attention to the D papers, and the quit claim deed!

He REALLY thought that he could go after the house! LOL!

I have figured out what REALLY bothers me about him taking the kids to barsluts for overnights. I am afraid that my kids will be having so much FUN with her kids, and barslut, that they will not want to be around ME. Or that I will have to deal with a huge fall out.... from constant FUN, FUN, FUN! To normal life with me. And LAST time he had the kids around her, my oldest would cry that she wanted to be with daddy all of the time.... It made ME feel real bad.

PLUS the fact that he is so CAREFREE.....and I am so RESPONSIBLE.....

I do not think that he is smoking in FRONT of the kids, just that he IS.

Never a dull moment huh?
I think you should take him back to court to make him do the "I think my ex is a loonytoon" exam.

Sadmo I think he thinks you were born yesterday.

Sadmo, this is a question I've wondered about, too, so I'm glad that you brought it up. Is someone still a parent who the kids benefit from being with if they smoke pot only when the kids aren't watching? What about "hard drugs"?

SS-
I KNOW that he thinks that I was born yesterday... But, the thing is, I WASN'T. It is frustrating though. I called my L today and he said that EXH could basically bring the kids around whoever, as long as they were not doing anything illegal.

Ears- I think, now this is going to sound bad, but if you are a good parent, who smokes pot once in a while (NOT in front of or around the kids) it is no big deal. I don't do any drugs, I have nothing to worry about. But I was thinking that this could be something that I COULD do, limit his parental responsibility, IF he is smoking pot. As for hardcore drugs, NO WAY would he have ANY access to the kids.

I got my kids back on Sat, and they seemed happy to see me. They have not really mentioned EXH that much, my little one seems a little clingy, but that is ok... my little angels.

When EXH dropped the kids off, he tried to talk about 'his' dog that ran away, and his eyes filled with tears. I just coldly looked at him and said, "you know what, that was MY dog, YOU did not do anything much to get him back. I do NOT want to hear about it from you." I then told my girls to hug their dad goodbye.

On Sunday (I took the day off to be with my girls) he called 5 times. All from his cell phone. Which means that he is at OW's house. So, I decided, "hey. Why should I answer?"
I did not answer anytime he called. He called me today at work. He wanted to know if I could talk. I said for a minute. He then rambled about nothing, and I said, "Look, I am busy, call OW if you want to talk."
And I hung up.
As far as I am concerned, he can go eff himself. I do not want to have to deal with him anymore.

Tomorrow would have been our 8 year wedding anniversary. Weird. I feel NOTHING that I felt for him 8 years ago.

It's good that you are separating yourself from XH. He is a mess. You must feel some sense of relief that you don't have to deal with the wayward anymore. Hopefully, your former husband will show up again one day, and you guys can have a working co parenting relationship, instead of this clingy weirdness.

I liked the line about calling the OW to talk. Priceless.