i hate feeling like the stupidest person on the planet. i was doing so damn good not having any contact at all with him and then i called.

i just hate the lies and the disresepct he has shown this past year and if he wants it to be over i am willing to just go along with it and end my misery.

i love this man so much that i am really depressed over all of this and he just continues to party and act like a teenager.

i have no clue if he is even seeing anyone else, he doesn't want me so i can assume he is but i have no clue for sure what's going on.

i feel so lost and hopeless and i caN't get out of my funk at all.

I won't let you take that title by yourself. I am sitting in a cold dark basement... even though I can't talk to my wife becuase of a restraining order and everyone's advise for me has basically said turn and run, never look back. I find myslef checking my mail and staying signed into instant Messenger just to see if she IMs or emails me. I can not and have not replied, and won't. But how much of an idiot do I have to be to sit here like this?

Spouses suck, don't they.

I know my post doesn't help at all, but at least I was a breif shoulder... (I hope anyway) and wanted you to know you share that title.

TOMK

We have all gone through feeling the same way. Just realize that while they are having an affair, you are just like a piece of furniture in the house. They don't mean to be cruel. Your feelings just never even show up on their radar.

Sooner or later the affair will end. If you do a good Plan A and then Plan B, they will most likely want to work on the relationship.

You are taking this too personally, although I know it is hard not to. Just think of him as a heroin addict who is intent on getting his fix, and everything else fades into the background.

i have already done a plan a and was trying to do a plan b. i have been told he loves me but does not think he can be happy being married.

how can i not take that personally? this was the man who promised to love me for the rest of our lives and he acts like it's no big deal for him to move out and live apart and never see or hear me again.

Ok, let's get you out of this 'funk'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This man that promised you.... where is he? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yes,.... where is he. I know u r in plan B but you broke contact..... why?.... u needed reassurance and didn't get it. Now you are..... frustrated, disappointed.....mad? Hm...... quite normal.

You've got a choice.... go dark or reverse babble a bit. IMHO, I think the RB (if you can handle it) will help you get back on solid ground and put a rip in the WS. U game?

Your mind and heart need t/b in sync.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

reverse babble, and say what?

Orchid is a reverse bable expert. Search her posts for some examples. BUT don't attempt this if/when you are feeling fragile. You definitely have to have your game face on to pull it off.

I think part of reverse babble is related to a concept I read about in the Divorce Busting book: doing a 180.

Basically it works like this: The WS is saying some pretty crazy stuff and trying to start arguments. They are counting on you opposing their lunacy and taking the bait to argue. The more you oppose them the more they dig in to their position, the more they 'rebel' against your attempts to get them to think logically. There is an anology of it being like a seesaw: on opposite ends and opposite altitudes. So if you say A they say B and vice versa. So it sometimes works if you back away from defending your position and/or even agree with them. The same insanity they're spewing and believing makes sense coming out of their mouths sounds sort of silly and strange when repeated back to them. An it eases the power struggle so they are less likely to become more entrenched in their POV because of knee-jerk rebeliousness.

So if he says something like:
"Our marriage was dead already"

You can babble back something like:
"Oh, I hadn't noticed but if you say so, exactly when did it die?"

You are not directly opposing what they said, you are even in a way appearing to agree with their assessment, so they are less likely to assert that claim, opening the possibility for them to maybe even question the assertion themselves.

The W's need to be in opposition is SO intense that they sometimes might even adopt your viewpoint if you become less defensive in asserting your viewpoint.

But this is only one way to reverse babble and of course can't be used always. You certainly would not want to negotiate support and visitation with an appearance of naive compliance with W's demands, for example.

I personally can't pull off bluffing or appearing to support something I don't honestly endorse. So in my case the best I could do to break the tendency for polarization into opposite extreme stances was to disengage. With the seesaw anology instead of going over to the W's end of the seesaw so he would be more likely to go over to my end, it would be more like I just jumped off the seesaw altogether and excused myself from the power struggle. This is like Plan B to me. Just don't even talk to him. Give him space and time to struggle with it internally without resistance or input from me. You just hop off that seesaw, causing his end to clunk to the ground, and walk away. ONLY if/when he is ready to have a fair, sane, adult conversation about rebuilding a committed, accountable relationship do you return to the playing ground.

A WS deep in addiction and fog simply can't be reasoned with. It's like trying to reason with a temper tantrum throwing little kid who can't converse above the 'nuh-uh' vs. 'uh-huh' level. Sometimes you just have to take all your toys and go.

well i emailed him and responded to his email and then that's it. i informed him how i wanted to fight for this marriage. he responded back with "i think we are in different places in our lives" and "we want different things". to be honest he moved back in with family so if he is carrying on an affair, which i don't think he is anymore, the girl would have to be lame or have a place of her own. i think right now it's more fog speak then anything because he still won't file for divorce.

i told him that if by saying we want different things meaning he no longer wants a family then yes he was correct. i told him i would not give up on him even though he gave up on me. i also informed him that he would have to put in effort for it to work so we shall see.

oh and he said he was happier now and i kinda laughed at that. i know it's bad , thankfully this was all through email <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

it's just after a year of fightng and guilt who wouldn't be happy living rent free (he still pays his half on our place though) with family who cooks, cleans and pays for trips for you? i would be happier no longer having to pay silly bills as water, pg&e, cable and vet bills.

thanks for the support, it really has helped me see what i want to do and i always welcome a swift kick in the a$$ to get me out of my funk