I haven't written in awhile and thought I would catch people up on life. I read daily on here and don't know if I have the "smarts" to share what my suggestions are. Who am I, nobody except still a BS whose WH husband won't come home and thinks his crack addict with Hep C girlfriend is better than being married to his best friend.

Things are so out of control and I just feel like I am on this horror ride and can't get off. And yet, I am afraid that every move I make is pushing him farther and farther away.

It will be 5 months tomorrow since D-Day. I, who am competent, outgoing, loving, able to handle anything thrown at her am still a total mess and I don't understand why I can't just say goodbye and think I am better of without him. The most ironic part of this whole atomic situation is WH complains that my independence is what drove him away into her arms. And yet, the reality is, he has easily moved on and I am the one left destroyed and beaten. My WH can put quite a feather in his cap for the absolute destruction of my world. He got me good. It took me so long to completely and utterly open up myself to him and once I did, bam, he crushed me, my spirit and right now my life. I am so trying to go on second by second, but I have no hope, no energy. I'm tired of crying, of missing him with all my heart.

He is the typical WH from the babble talk to the cruelty and level of selfishness that my mind can’t even begin to wrap around. He still has relatively no contact with his kids except for an email a few times a week to one son. The older son, he sent a birthday card two weeks ago, but that was it. With my daughter he preaches to her about lifestyle and she just doesn’t want to have anything to do with him.

He acts so happy when I talk to him or see him and that hurts deeply because I miss him so much and am so sad inside and hate life today.

What’s more is I can't compete with her because she doesn't work (she is on state disability for her hep c), so she is free to just lay around all day long and make him dinner and cater to his every whim. As much as I would if given the chance, I can't. I am the responsibility - the kids, the real world. He doesn't want that. He wants to just have fun and live some other kind of life. How do I fight that or even compete with that? Not to mention that I would die inside if I lived like that. Can’t there be a happy medium?

I am readying myself for Plan B. I will be contacting an attorney to file a legal separation. WH will start getting half his paycheck at the end of this week (I have gotten it all since he left), and I am turning over all his bills to him to take care of. I know my insurance person called him and I am sure that pissed WH off because I didn’t tell him first. So I live in fear that taking the first step to take care of me and my children is what will push him away for good.

I do have one question – his birthday is at the end of the month, Halloween actually. The last conversation we had before this all exploded was how important his birthday was to him and celebrating it as a family. I was waiting to go into Plan B after his birthday, but his kids don’t want to get him anything. I was going to give him a cake that I am the only one with the recipe to. Should I bake the cake and give a nice card as my last Plan A attempt and then go directly into Plan B?

I know most people on here would agree that I might be better off without him. But I truly love this man and know that the H I married still exists deep inside and I can’t give up on him yet. G-d hasn’t told me to give up, yes move on, yes create a new life for myself, but that we aren’t finished yet. Does anyone else see any hope at all? Any suggestions to keep the hope alive?

Warmly,
Skinsgal

Hi SG,

I don't think I've ever posted to you before, but I wanted to let you know that I read your post and I'm sorry that you are hurting so much... I know that the weekends can be very slow...

Given that you've been in Plan-A for 5 months, I'd say that you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children and go to Plan-B.

It may 'seem' that your WH is having a 'great' time with this OW, but it WILL end. I think that it might be good for WH to miss out on the 'family' B-Day party... let the OW try and meet this "need" that he's expressed.

I'm definitely not saying that you should give up on your WH, but you need to protect what love you still have for him... and that is what Plan-B is for...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Agree with RIF. You're so strong to have lasted 5 months in plan "a". I'll only be 2 months in when I go to plan "b". Can't handle WS going away to spend the weekend with OM every couple weeks.

Keep your chin up. I feel surprisingly content now that I've decided on a plan "b" plan. It's given me some control of a situation that I have no control over.

Life will get better. I know where you're at. It may not seem like it right now, but it will.

((Skinsgal)) I could have easily written these words myself three years ago. My heart went out to you when I read this.

As for the birthday cake, I think that would be a good Plan A exit since you know how important it is to him. Have you done a good Plan A up until now? I think you probably do need to move on to Plan B so you can start healing YOU. But don't just jump into it, there are things you need to do to prepare for it. I'll defer to others on the steps you need to take because I've never done one myself.

BTW... does your screen name refer to the Washington Red Skins? If so, we may have a problem. GO COWBOYS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I admire your tenacity in sticking to plan A for so long. I could only handle about 3 months of plan A, I was just falling apart watching my WH destroy our life so eagerly.

That beings said, plan B does take planning as PM said. It is really difficult to go completely dark with children in the home. You can achieve a dark plan B with some planning and creative thinking though. Others here have done a very good job achieving this.

Plan B is about you. I think it is time that you took care of yourself and your children. I think if you feel that celebrating your WH's birthday will show him the family he is missing, then do it. If the celebration is going to be wrought with conflict and expectations, then I wouldn't. That will only drive him further away. After the celebration then go dark. Your separation plan will be in place to protect you and the children. I am sure others with more experience will be along soon to give you some great plan B advice!

LL

Thank you RIF, PM, Hope, and Lies for your suggestions and input,

I have done an adequate Plan A. Since he left home immediately it wasn't very easy to show him what home could be like. He can see I have made major changes in my life - not to mention losing 68 lbs. The only time I came close to LB was when I faced him about bringing her to my house when we were moving. I said "I think I have been very reasonable through all this and have only asked for a few things - one of them that you not bring her to my house". He told me they wanted to go through and see what they wanted for their house. I can’t tell you what restraint it took not to flipping go off. Only the night of D-day did I scream and even that wasn’t so bad. He is truly blown away by how I have handled myself.

It was uncomfortable for a few moments, but I managed to turn it around to telling him that I believed in my H and that my H was welcome to come home. I know the difference when I am talking to the H vs WH and I make sure to change what and how I say things. It ended on good terms and being friendly.

Last night as I thought about my marriage and all the mistakes I made, I asked myself why would he want to come home - what is it that he is missing out on with respect to me. She caters to his every whim, makes him the center of her world and feeds his ego. I didn't cook regularly, wasn't a good housekeeper, always gone and taking care of the kids. I offered SF but he rejected me for years and years - and in fact it was the lack of intimacy that drove me to volunteering – he used this to manipulate and control me into being angry or craziness – and he knew it. My H is good at saying the right words, but the substance isn't there and I got tired of it and found a way to survive. He wouldn’t really let me in and know what he was thinking and support him – but he has convinced himself that he did and I wasn’t there for him – and they share a level of intimacy that we never had. Now he throws that in my face as to why he became involved in her. I can't think of one thing he is missing out on, except respect, integrity and the complete package of a family. My H knows that I know him better than anyone else in this world and I know how he escapes from reality.

I read on this site about once "reality" creeps in and the A is more likely to end. When he first left he was living in a one bedroom apt on the couch and living off an old guy who paid all the bills. He moved into to total craziness, our house became almost calm immediately. He has been completely broke since he left and now he is about to get half his paycheck back. He bragged about knowing when to stand in line for food – we lived in an upper middle class area.

Their relationship has gone through much trial and tribulation with her using and the craziness that surrounds them, but now they have set up “home” and they have the time to “work on their relationship”. He is living on land like he always wanted with someone who doesn’t work and is available to him for everything. He says that though there are problems in their relationship and it will take a HUGE amount of work, and he knows our M wouldn’t really take that much, but he stays because he believes they can have an amazing life. So I am at a loss of understanding what “reality” will do for them. Does anyone else see something I am missing here?

PM - Yes we do have a problem. Hail to the Redskins!!! But I will take the hug. The whole mess as humbled me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Everyone says I have to take care of myself – that’s what Plan B is all about. That’s the part that is hardest, I don’t want to take care of myself, I believe that it was my selfishness and learning to survive that lost my marriage. If I had just been willing to put up with what he was giving me and kept trying I don’t think he would have gone looking. He has such a low self esteem and just wants to have fun in life – he is so passive-aggressive and unwilling to dig deep and find out why he struggles in life. So he ran away one more time, only it has destroyed our family. Does that make sense why I am afraid to go into Plan B?

If I am truly over looking something or just not understanding this is all part of the “fog”, please tell me. I am looking for a road map to develop and not stray from it. I don’t have the funds to talk to Dr. H, I truly believe that if my H could get out of his fog he would be willing to come home and work on our M.