I am 28 years old and I have been marriied for 5 years but but living with my husband for 6 years. We have 2 children together. For 5 years that we've been married, it seems like he doesn't know me. It seems like he doesn't know what hurts me, bother me, or when I am hurting or going through hard times. There are many things we don't get along about. Little things or big things, we don't seem to just understand each other. Though I feel like I'm the one who is getting hard time and hurting the most. I've tried to sit down alone and think about things like how our problem started and who has a point. Most of the time when the problem comes between us, he is just not always interested in talking it out and solve it. He would just rather ignore the problem, ignore me, and forget about it. And time would come where he would just come to me and act like nothing happened. Sometimes I tell myself, maybe that's really his way of staying away from the fight and trouble. But my point of view is that you can't ever solve the problem if you don't talk about it. I think that it is so much better to sit down and talk about what is bothering both of us so that we can fix it and so that the problem does not happen again. I just can't ever get him to talk to me. Even if I come to him in a calm way. He always gets what he wants by not talking and getting away with it. What he does is he ignores me, walks away from me, and sometimes just leave the house for as long as he wants. Everytime he tells me to leave him alone, I do it. There were times were I didn't talk to him for 1 whole week just to give him what he wants and hoping that one day he would come to me and say "I'm ready to talk". But that never happens. I'm the one who always has to try to talk and fix it. But it irritates him that I want to talk. What should I do? Should I just give him what he wants and forget about how I feel?

I do everything myself at home and he doesn't. I take care of the kids alone. Even when I am sick, I would still have to get up and take care of things myself. Alot of times, I don't know how I should feel anymore. All mixed feelings. He is not willing to help. But I'm always there for him.

But anyways, the status of my marriage seems like going to a separation or divorce process. He already talked to one of our children saying that he and I are not gonna work out anymore and that he will just visit them.

What should I do? There's so much to say but it will take me how many days to express all the issues. There are so much different issues.

One last question.

Here's the situation.

My husband goes to work and then talks with a female for about 15 to 20 minutes per talk. Then my husband transfer to a different department, and so as the female. Then, the female calls my husband even when my husband and not working. When my husband and I went on vacation at a different state, the female called again. My husband didn't pick up the first time. Then the female called again. But the purpose of the call was not that important and it has nothing to do with work. But my husband doesn't have the guts to say, hey I'm on vacation right now, spending time with my wife, I would rather not get a call if it's not that important. And because I have a right to get jealous because of how often they talk at work, and he knows that I have a problem with her calling his cell even when he's home, he still talks to her and allows her to call him anytime he wants to. And he told me that he'll tell her that she can call him anytime she wants to. Because of what he said, I feel like they both disrespect me. The female disrespect me because she knows that he is married and she should think that she might cause trouble is she calls him anytime she wants to. My husband is also disrespecting me because he is allowing her to call him anytime she wants to and it does not matter whether it is affecting me and it does not matter how I feel about it.

That's all for now! Please help!

Ugh! I'm afraid you are in for a long road. The bottom line is he has no respect for you. I have been married 16 years and just recently figured out how my selfishness has affected my wife to the point of her wanting a divorce. Its not just that but that was a big part. And yes he is totally out of line with calls from OW. And we haven't even touched on if that is an emotional or physical affair yet but it sounds like an EA at least.

I had many of these same selfish attitudes and behaviors throughout my marriage until recently. One thing you need to know is many men are by default trained through culture and by the example in their fathers to NOT TALK. Their feelings are there but they don't know how to talk about them. But also many times there just simply isn't as many or as deep of feelings compared to women. Women in general have a much higher capacity for emotions than men do. Its not good or bad it just is. But its not an excuse to ignore you and its not acceptable to you so let him know that it hurts you deeply when he won’t talk to you about things that are important in your lives. If you approach him in anger or nagging or other negative attitudes he will clam up and retreat and withdraw. Even if you approach him calm cool and collected he may still do that if her perceives that whatever your complaint is is his fault. It will require much much patience on your part and the right timing (think quiet atmosphere, no kids to interrupt) to allow him the time he needs to find a voice to respond to you. Be nice but firm about whats bugging you and that you want a response from him. Try to find an example for him to see a man talking about feelings and emotions. Maybe try a “couples” interaction exercise that will get him talking without it being a topic that you are complaining about. In other words try to get him to talk to you intimately and with fun. Ask him how you could better meet his sexual needs. He will answer that! Then ask him something else. Get the ball rolling like that. Anytime my wife and I argued I would literally be paralyzed and unable to talk about my feelings so be patient but persist.

I would also recommend a male christian counselor asap. I would try to find one who has read Robert Alter's book called It's (Mostly) His Fault. And I would recommend you spend as much time as you can with relationship books. I have read about 10 of them in the past 4 months. This allows you to work on yourself and your marriage without him being directly involved. Start with His Needs Her Needs by the author and sponsor of this website Willard Harley. Then read The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Smalley. Then start meeting his needs as best as you can. Don't expect anything in return early on. Just try to be as good a partner as you can. The goal is to be making as many deposits in his Love Account as you can. This might be called Plan A on the MB forums.

Then about once per month you can say something like "I would like to know if there is something that I can do for you to improve our marriage or how you feel about our marriage?” Then just listen, don't make any comments, and proceed to do that for a month. Then next month do the same thing again but you make a request of him to add some need of yours that he can do for you. Even if its only you working on it, the relationship is dynamic and he will respond in some way.

Make some short term small goals such as my marriage is improving if I see him doing _________.

Questions for you: how old are you each? What is his father like and his parents marriage? My dad never talked about emotions and never cleaned up after meals. Guess what I did for many years. Exactly the same thing and it ticked my wife off to no end. Any prior affairs known? Can you hear his conversations with OW? Are they intimate or business or what?

Lastly the bible has a great plan in it for God’s designs on marriage. Are you believers? Church goers? Ask about a marriage mentoring couple at church. Have dinner with them. Above all don’t give up but don’t wait to get help. You are right to want more and you deserve it.

imsoconfused

I'm just wondering............Why did you start a new thread and not respond to the replies some of us gave to you????

bb

Hi, bigpicture!

Hello! Sorry, i never thought i would get a reply on this one. When I posted this one, I also posted another one with a different topic separately. And I've been replying on the other one.

I am 28 and my husband is 26. His parents try to get involve with us only if they want to get together. But when it comes to our marriage problems, they don't want to get involve at all, as to them, we are old enough to decide for ourselves. My husband and I both have very different cultures. I do see though that my husband among with his siblings were not raised with a discipline. Alot of times, I see that their parents tolerate so many wrong things that they do, which pretty much I don't understand. I do believe that his father knows how he is and that how irresponsible he is but I think he is afraid to talk to him about it and give him advise because my husband respects him so much. His father is afraid that my husband will get mad at him.

And yes, I am a believer! I do admit though, I don't go to church regularly but I do try to go when I can.

There was no other affair prior to this one but he used to flirt alot and alot of times he was not aware that i see it and that he's hurting my feelings. He admitted to me before that he is more comfortable hanging out with females than males. Right now, I don't see the flirting anymore, but when he has some male friends with girlfriends or wives, it is always necessary for him to also make friends with his male friends' partners. That there is no way he won't try to make conversations with them.

And about the other woman calling him, when she calls, sometimes just to say, "hey, be careful because there's a cop on the way to work", or "calling to see if you're to work training and making sure you didn't forget about it", or just to say "she's calling in sick"(my husband would tell her, "take care") and wants to know which boss is working tonight" (when she should have her own schedule) Most of these situations happen when my husband is not working and even on vacation. In addition to that, when they work together, they talk on the phone for atleast 30 minutes per call. My husband told me that he understands her and she understands him. And that they do get along alot. When there are some issues at work, they usually understand each other and agree to each other's opinions. I know he helps her with anything that she needs, which is unfair to me because he's never there for us. We're always his last priorities.

I do believe my husband that he doesn't feel anything for her but I know she does. And since, I can already consider as emotional affair, I think it's better to stop it now so he doesn't fall for her. But how do I do that?

As far as I know, as what I have posted on the other thread (what would u think if), my husband will still continue talking to her but will make sure she won't call when he's home unless it's very important. I felt like she's that important for him not to stop talking to her even though it bothers me so much and it's ruining our marriage. I do believe that she feels something for my husband and calling my husband when not necessary is being done by her purposely to ruin our marriage. My husband admitted it to me that he doesn't think that it's inappropriate for her to call him. MY HUSBAND LOST HIS WEDDING RING DURING OUR DIFFICULTIES THESE PAST FEW DAYS.

Ever since my husband and I got married, I know I have never done anything bad to disappoint my husband and kids. I'm always there for them, take care of them, and support them with anything. Especially my husband, I support him so much where many times I don't have anymore time for myself just to show him how much I care for him. But he doesn't seem to realize it. There were times were my husband would tell me that I only do those things that I do to use it against him.

When I want to talk to him, I have tried everything to make him talk to me. I would come to him and try to talk to him in a calm way but it doesn't work. I have tried just e-mailing him, sending him text messages, or talk to him on the phone but none of these work. But I don't all of these at one time or one day. I usually just try each one when we're having some difficulties but he just won't talk to me at all. I even tried to leave him alone for one whole week just to give him what he wants and give that space that he wants but when he's already calm, he still won't come to me and say "hey, I'm ready to talk". That's why I don't know what to do anymore.

I just don't understand how it's still possible for him to give his attention to other woman when I feel like I've been doing Plan A all this time and I think way more than you could possibly think of. Sometimes, I feel like I'm his slave. I feel like what I have been doing is still not enough for him to give me the love and the care that I deserve.

The main thing that I know is, no matter how much I try to talk to him and in any way, I know he won't talk to me. You know, there were times where he'll say "he'll listen" but he always gets to tell me what to say and talk about. I'm just tired of being treated this way. I'm doing everything I can to keep this family together but how is this possible when only one person is trying.

When I tried to tell my husband how much I am hurting just three days ago, here's what he said to me: "You are not hurting at all".


BB,
Sorry if you think I don't reply to you guys' posts. Just now I notice the reply to this one. But I do try to reply when I can. I'm trying the best I can to read the threads that are already posted to help me understand more about situations.

Right now though, I have a research paper that I need to finish and it's due 2 days from now. I hope you understand.

Thanks so much to everyone who are able to give time to read and post and give advise. I really do appreaciate it!

God Bless You all!

Hi Confused -

I agree with most of what BigPicture said already. My wife and I are in the process of working through her emotional affair with a co-worker. Similiar things - phone calls that were seemingly innocent until one day I confronted her about it.

We have started counseling with our church pastor and one thing I have come to realize is it is true - men don't talk. That was partly my problem which led my wife into the emotional affair (aside from me being absent a lot because of work).

Your husband's responses are not right - he is not acknowledging your hurt over this. Follow the advice here about NO CONTACT with the OW and try counseling, if he'll go.

Good luck.

Richard

Thanks Richard! I talked to him about marriage counseling and he said he is willing to go but not just yet. He told me to wait for a little while and we'll go when he's done with his school, which gives me about 6 more weeks until we can go. We'll see what happens.... Thanks again!

It can take several weeks to get an appointment - so start calling around now. There is an article here by Steve Harley on how to find a good marriage counselor.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

Good Luck.

Richard