What would you do if your husband goes to a different state for a job training. And then, comes back home with some condoms with him.

His excuse was:
--he wanted to prepare for me when he comes home
--he wanted to surprise me

My question was:
--why couldn't he buy the condoms here when he came back home?
--why couldn't he buy it with me, since i picked him up when he returned?

On top of that, he didn't give me any other explanations when i asked him those questions.

My question now:
--do i have a right or reason to wonder?

And even if he was telling the truth, don't you think that i still have a right to wonder and ask too many questions because he should bought them here and it's not my fault that he didn't?

In addition to coming home with condoms, i also found his laptop computer with alot of porn video searches.

And then, just about 4 weeks ago, i found condoms inside the pocket of his backpack. and it is the backpack he brings to work everynight. the condoms were taken by him from our kitchen counter where i put it somewhere under something.

His excuse was:
--he grabbed it because my nephew was coming over and he didn't want him to see it and take it.
--he grabbed it and put it in his backpack because the he had the backpack at that time.

My question was:
--why didn't he give me the condoms to hide it somewhere else?
--why didn't he just hide it himself somewhere in the house instead of putting it in his backpack, especially it doesn't even take long at all to go to the room from our kitchen?

So, what would you think if you were in my position?

Hi Confused,

Welcome to MB... I read your other thread and it sounds like your H is involved in at least an Emotional Affair (EA).

Have you read any of the articles here, especially about Plan-A? If not, that would be my first suggestion... as it will give you some concrete actions that you can do to help end the Affair (A).

The weekends are very slow around here, so please don't get discouraged if you don't receive a lot of posts today... also, it's better to stick with one thread rather than post several ones... that way, people can come to one thread instead of looking through two or three different ones.

I'm glad that you found MB... this is a great place to learn about the dynamics of an A, and to develop a plan to help end the A and start rebuilding your M.

Semper Fi,

RIF

imsoconfused - you are confused because you don't want to believe your husband is capable of cheating on you.

Believe it.

No only believe he's "capable of cheating," believe he IS cheating.

The phone calls plus the condoms are "evidence enough."

Imsoconfused, you have to understand that "denying they are having an affair" is the Standard Lie of all Wayward Spouses until they are "caught" with irrefutable evidence.




I'd think he's having an affair.

Put a secret Keylogger program on his laptop and any desktops that he uses or has access to, if you can. You have to begin to "snoop" in earnest. It is possible that this is still only an Emotional Affair, but with the presence of the "unsatifactorily explained" condoms, I don't think it is "just" an EA.

Get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley and get a copy of Surviving An Affair by the same author. Read them ASAP.

God bless.

Have you used condoms with your husband?

Where's the box and how many were in the box to begin with. How many can you "account for," (assuming some may have been used with you and you should know how many of those uses there were)? If you can't account for the total number of condoms, WHERE did the unaccounted ones go?

One problem with the lies of Wayward Spouses, they often don't make sense if you examine them closely. He's banking on your "just trusting" him. Take it from all of us here, trust, BUT VERIFY. You need to know the truth, one way or the other.

God bless.

I am with the rest of the posters.
I would and so should you have reason to believe he IS cheating.
Did he seem surprised when you found them? a little stunned?
Do all the "snooping" that you can.

Hello everyone! Thank you so much for all of your posts. I really appreciate your feedback. Things are just very complicated right now. I can totally agree with all your opinions and the fact that everything is just too obvious for me not to believe it.

Forever Hers,
Yes, I have used condoms with him before and that's when I never had any birth control. I guess it was really my fault that I never checked the box to see if it was already open when I saw him holding it and I never counted them. I do regret though. I learned my lesson and I will have to be smarter from now on.

Just two days ago, I noticed that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I asked him about it and he said he lost it. I don't want to accept his excuse but he said it's the truth and he'll stick with it.

And about the female who always calls him, it seems like she's that important for him not to stop talking to her. He keeps telling me that she's just a friend and nothin' else. I don't want to believe it because I know she feels something for him and that when she calls, she does it on purpose to ruin our marriage because she knew it from the beginning that he's married. I told my husband that if she is really a friend then she should know how to respect and the fact that she knew that he was married.

But anyways, thanks to everyone who replied to mine.

imsoconfused

listen to your gut......when something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't right.

Question him again about his wedding ring and "watch" him very carefully when he replys.
Ask him "when" did he loose it, when and where did he take it off of his fingen?
Watch him very carefully when he gives you his explanation and if he gets defensive and tries not to have eye contact, you will know that something is NOT right.

It is up to your husband to keep you safe in your marriage and it is very disrespectful of him to let you feel uncomfortable about this other woman and her phone calls.
Don't expect others to respect his statis of being married, this is up to him and he's neglecting this fact.

Something is definately NOT right in your situation and I think that you have all reasons to wonder what is going on.

I know this is a devasting situation but I think you already know the answers. Keep on digging and keep on snooping.........read all you can in Marriage Builders.

bb

imsoconfussed,

I agree with what bb just told you. I also want to add that it is NEVER ok for a married man to have a female friend that he constantly talks to. She may keep calling, but when you've told him it makes you uncomfortable and he keeps accepting her calls, there's something not right. He needs to stop his contact now, cause if it hasn't become at least an EA, it soon will be! One other thing though, when you do talk to him about this woman, you need to do so in a loving manner. If you attack him, he's going to do what he wants anyway, cause it will feel like he's being nagged. If you bring it up in a way that it is a request in order to make you feel loved, ie "Honey, I would feel so much better if you stopped talking with this woman." He might consider it in a different light and if it is truly just a friendship, he may realize how much it really is hurting you.

Just a thought. Good luck.

HI there, ISC --

Just a minor point --

The standard of evidence in marriage is not "beyond a reasonable doubt," it's "substantial evidence" (doesn't even have to be "likelier than not").

You've got, just -- an overwhelming flood of evidence that all points in one direction.

Finding condoms in a surprising location upon return from, well, anywhere -- this is seriously incriminating. (I'm going to disagree with previous poster -- you don't need condoms for an EA.)

Phone calls from a woman that he HAS to talk to ... major problemo.

NO wedding ring while on outings ... your husband is shopping for social/emotional/sexual opportunities.

Well, it certainly adds up. Your question is, What would you think if??? And my answer is, "He's screwing around." My guess is, you are realizing this, but are having trouble putting all of the information together because your rational mind tells you one thing, and your husband who you love is telling you another.

This must be a very, very painful realization. I'm wondering where the Harleys offer advice on confronting a spouse about an affair, and how to go about it, exactly. Your husband is already denying it; and YOU are bracing yourself by trying to work out how all of this could possibly add up, with him still being innocent of an affair (though it makes no rational sense).

But almost all wandering spouses initially deny affairs to their mates. So, it's a matter of preparing yourself to either find out the truth on your own, or brace yourself to finally hear the truth from him.

My heart really does go out to you.

To be honest, for how many people already that I've tried to ask about this situation that I am having right now, there's only one exact answer I got and all of yours are the same. That he is having an emotional affair.

Right now, I'm still confused about what to do. I so want to keep this marriage and fix it and make it better but it's so hard if only one is trying.

According to him, he'll tell her that she can only call him when he's at home only if it's important. So, obviously he will continue talking to her for as long as he wants.

Should that be acceptable? Should I accept the fact that he won't allow her to call him anymore when he's not working unless it's very important?

My main goal is to stop the emotional affair that is going on between them. My husband maybe telling the truth that he doesn't feel anything for her but she's just a friend but I do believe that there's a big possibility that he might fall for her. And my goal is to stop it as early as possible. But how do I do that? How do I stop it without making him feel that I'm nagging him over something he thinks it's not true?

He said she's just a friend and he wants to stick with it. Since I know that he won't stop talking to her, then what should I do? He said he doesn't think that it is inappropriate for her to call him.

Why won't he stop talking/seeing/whatever with her?
Talking to her after you've asked it to stop NOT ACCEPTABLE. Been there done that, got the shirt....IT WILL GO FURTHER IF IT HASN'T ALREADY. Insist if he wants you and his M NO CONTACT with her again period.

My WH said the exact same thing. Just friends, just kidding around UNTIL I found the more explicit private messages. Then they just became words to him...just a little exciting. How much truth do I put into what he says....unfortunately NONE. Is he now telling me the truth, I don't know. I contacted (before I found the really explicit PM's) the OW via private message, pretended to be WH to bait her, then told her who she was talking to. Looking back that was hilarious. She explained my H's behavior to ME and how they were just friends. However, she slipped up a tad...when I asked that she not contact him, I didn't want that type of conflict in my M, her response was our M apparently was not good if something that's been BREWING FOR A FEW MONTHS was going to destroy it! Very eyeopening. I understood EXACTLY what she was after and apparently him too.

Advice...Ultimatim (sp?) time! And if you missed it anywhere...snoop...verify...don't let on you are doing it! Don't buy what he's telling you.

ISC,

So you've determined your WH is in an EA. If that's the case, you make a plan.

You do Plan A. You expose to his workplace about personal calls, (get the cell records)...you expose to his family the same way. You know and share truth. You expose to OW's family/BF, as well.

Not as punishment or manipulation. You're sharing what is.

You read "Surviving An Affair" and you study and learn about A's, what they're really about...you do the ENQ's here as if you're him and do the best to figure out what ENs this OW is meeting and meet them yourself.

You read Love Busters and eliminate them...takes some soul-searching and getting to know your false payoffs in doing them.

As you can see, takes brave acts...and don't ask why he won't or will...KNOW he's choosing not to stop. Align your own thoughts to reality and not to assumptions.

You'll find a lot of your resentment comes directly from assumptions. Ferret out these sneaky beasts and benefit from your efforts.

Read Shirley Glass's "Not Just Friends" too.

Be proactive and set your goal to save your marriage. Learn and grow...Plan A is about you...sort of a waking up...and keeping your focus on you, purifying your intent, knowing your motives and understanding what you really do and don't do, and what you just think (self-image) you do and don't do.

It's empowering, freeing and amazing...also hurts like crazy as you struggle with his EA being a rejection of you...how much you focus on his stuff, his actions, and not your own. It's a struggle. Remind yourself that this is your choice, what you want, and worth your attention.

Because you are worth it and you're half the marriage.

And please know this isn't about a real person...she's a fantasy...and yes, she's attacking your marriage...know you are real. You are his wife, to whom he vowed. Stay centered in reality. Goal of Plan A is to end the A.

Get busy...you can do this. Keep posting and taking in all the great advice you're getting. Understand we have been where you are...and know you are not alone.

LA

Self denial is powerful. You don't want to believe what is happening, you don't want to believe that your spouse is capable of betraying you, because you know that once you believe it, there is no going back. So you cling to every possibility that what you know in your heart to be true isn't.

I did this for 6 months, until the truth became undeniable, and in the end, I still have to face it. Trust yourself. Trust your feelings and your intuition. You feel something isn't right for a reason. You know the truth, accept it and make your decisions based upon reality, it will only get worse until you are able to believe what you are seeing.

And no, it is not ok for a married person to have a "friend" of the opposite sex if it makes the spouse uncomfortable. You have more than enough reason to be uncomfortable with this friendship, and the biggest reason is his refusal to end the friendship despite your discomfort.

I'm afraid you're in for a rough ride, read this site and the books suggested within it and proceed with Plan A.

Trust yourself.

What if I feel like I've been doing Plan A these whole years that we've been married, where I already feel like I'm just a slave here, giving him everything he wants to show him how much I respect and care for him and love him. I do everything I can to support him. But on top of all these things that I do, I feel like it's still not enough for him to give his attention to other people like the female who is involved in this. What do I do now? I have already proven it to myself that he is having an EA and the fact that I've been doing Plan A. So, what's the next thing that I need to do? I'm really afraid to do Plan B and will have a very unsuccessful results because there's a third party involve. Based on what he's been showing me, it seems like he is not afraid of getting a divorce. You know, he can easily show me that he doesn't need me.

I'll try to post again as soon as I can. I have a research paper I need to finish and it's due tomorrow. I really appreciate everybody's advise. I so need it.

Hun,

He's probably having a PA (screwing her). Have you done any exposure of the affair?

You get to decide if the marriage is worth saving. The thing about Plan A is that it also lays the groundwork for you to walk away knowing that you gave things your absolute best and it still didn't work.

Plan A is not about being a slave or a doormat. Plan A is about showing your WH that you are sincere in wanting your marriage to succeed and establishing an environment where it can begin, but it is also about ending the A and establishing boundaries. You need to begin doing everything you can to end this A, and that is going to seem to you that you are risking your marriage, but in truth your marriage is already in grave danger. You need to get sneaky and get proof, even though you have enough to proceed. Read the Spying 101 thread. Get access to his cell records, get a keylogger, get ready to expose to anyone that can help end the A, including her family and his family, thier work, especially if they work together (you said he came home from work training with condoms, do they work together?) and shared friends. Anyone that may be sympathetic and can put pressure on the A. Until the A ends, you are not going to be able to begin to work on the marriage. While the A is going on you're going to get tons of mixed signals from your H as he does everything he can to keep you off balance and vulnerable. You'll have weeks where you think things are getting better only to find out its getting worse. You have to realize that your WH will lie about anything and everything, big grotesque lies that will shock you to the core.

Read and follow the advice of those here. It is because of them that my marriage even has a chance. When you sit and think "I don't know what to do!" that is when you need to rely on the people that have been there before and do what they tell you.

In a far more gentile way (sorry BK) I agree with bigkahuna on this one. Your husband is having a PA (that means sex) with an OW. On the far chance it isn't a PA yet, well, he sure is prepared to go to the PA stage.

Years ago, I found a condum in my husbands desk drawer at home. We never used them, so why did he have them. When I asked him, he said it was very old.

I don't know why I didn't question it more closely then, cause looking back now I see that was a load of poop.

Also, during the whole course of our marriage, he lost several wedding rings. When I asked him how this was possible, he said he took off his ring when he washed his hands because he didn't like it when water collected under the ring.

He again "lost" his wedding ring, more likely stopped wearing it and then lost it during his affair. By that point, I had given up on him wearing one so didn't even ask him to replace it once again.

Let's review here-----condums, no wedding ring, phone calls. I still say it is an affair.

So, read as much as you can here and start developing your plan of action to bust this affair apart.

And.....welcome to MB sorry you need to be here.

Who