Shalom.. I am in terrible trouble and I don't know what to do. I am thinking of divorcing my husband who I only got married to in March and it seems to be over a very superficial issue... MONEY. I will put this all out flat... I have been with my husband for 2 1/2 years. We met when I was 16 (he was 23) and started dating when I was 17 and he was 24. We met, moved into together, and fell in love. He held a job originally and appeared to be responsible. But then about 6 months into our relationship he found out about a kid he had and got full custody of him. The child was 2 years old and the stress almost pulled me apart. I could barely handle it only being 18 at the time and didn't know what to do. I got used to it. BUt after about a month my husband lost his job. For the past 2 years he has not held a job.

I started college because I wanted to do something with my life. NOt only did I excell, but i was awarded a massive scholarship to continue my education wherever I wanted tuition and living expenses fully paid for. The scholarship was incredibly competitive and has very rigid guidelines to follow to keep it. In March my husband and I got married. By then things were very bad financially because I could only work a few hours because of my demanding school load and only made 5 dollars and hour. My husband still wouldn't get a job and would sleep pretty much all day. We moved into the housing projects. Even with rent only 20 bucks a month he couldn't seem to come up with this and pawned all of his stuff to make the rent

Now a year later we are still in the projects. I am going mad from the stress. We live in a [censored]. I am attempting to keep up with school and have now transferred to a much more challenging private university. My husband recently went through a truck driving school to get his CDL (Commercial Drivers Licence). He got the CDL and it has been a week and he hasn't even looked for a job. When I ask him why he just says "I don't have the gas to go apply anywhere". This is making me crazy. I know that if it were me I would have had a job long ago.

This I could still handle but just last month he got a disturbing phone call, an ex girlfriend called and told him he had an 8 year old child. This made my heart sink. This is the last thing I wanted. I told James to get a paternity test but he says "I don't have enough money for one and neither does she". James doesn't even take care of his first child financially or really any other way and now he says he wants this child. The child's mother has a son born the same year as me. I can't handle this

I need some advice. I don't mean to paint a bad image of James but this man is horribly irresponsible and he just doesn't realize it. I don't know what to do to make him realize it. He sucks the life out of me and sucks me dry of my resources. When I got with him I had saved 5,000 from working that I wanted to use for school or housing, i have loaned every penny of this to James. He doesn't even have enough money for food or anything. I don't understand why he won't just get a job. It has been over 2 years now.

Please help. I want to make our marriage work. James is a wonderful man with a big heart but I just can't seem to make him realize that he must be responsible. I even paid for the entire wedding. I have paid for every trip we've ever taken, anything we've done. James has never even taken me on a date. I don't ask him for anything. Please help

THe problem is when James gets any amount of money he spends it that day on something stupid that he doesn't need. I have never met anybody in my life so bad with managing money. I want to help him, not only for our marriage but just so he will feel better about himself. I was nice about this with him for so long but now I've gotten to the point where it just angers me and I am rude to him. I don't want to be rude to him but I don't know what else to do. I am barely hanging on here. He blew up my truck going to his school and now I don't even have a vehicle. I get rides to my university and stay there sometimes 12-14 hours a day until I can get a ride home. I am putting every ounce of my strength into this but then I come home and there is no food or James needs money. When he leaves I just cry because I don't know what to do. If I loose this scholarship there is no way for me to continue my education and I will end up doing nothing with my life. I want to go to school to benefit James and I not just me . I want to be able to give him nice things and I want us out of the ghetto.

Welcome, Fleazo.

First off, money is not a superficial thing. Look where your spend your money, and you’ll find out what’s really important to you. When, where and how we spend money reflects our values. So, this isn’t about money so much as values. Sure, you don’t want to live in the projects, but would you mind so much if he were working hard and you all were saving up for a nice apartment? Or so that he could get a college degree? Probably not.

I don’t know what to tell you, except you can sit down with him and share that you don’t want this to be a way of life. That you want to get a written budget and he needs to step up to the plate and be a provider for his son.

Personally, I would do almost anything rather than lose your scholarship. Free rides at prestigious universities aren’t easy to come by, especially if you give one up.

Have you spoken with your rabbi? (I’m assuming you’re Jewish based on your salutation.) I’m concerned because you two seem to be unevenly matched. And while you are very mature, at 17 when you met this man, by definition, you were naïve. Opposites tend to attract, but it’s hard for them to stay together long term.

Plus, there’s the growth factor. You are doing a LOT of growing, and your husband doesn’t seem to be growing. If this continues, you will be miserable. Well, unless you want to support a man who lays around watching TV and eating pretzels all day. (Radically different from the stay-at-home dad who does tons)

If he wants to work on the marriage and his life, use at least 2 kinds of birth control until you have seen him make permanent changes. Now is not a good time to become pregnant.

Good luck.

lol I demanded that he get a viscectomy now

I have tried to talk to him about the money issues but he honestly doesn't see he is doing anything wrong. If I tell him that I am concerned about how he spends his money he just says "i am doing so much better than I used to" and I'm like I know you are but it MUST be better.

Yes him and I are exact opposites especially with money there is no describing it. I am the most Jewish person in the world with money (and yes you are right about me being Jewish). I save every penny and he spends every penny.

I don't have a problem with talking to him and I talk calmly and rationally, but I don't know how to make him understand that this is a real problem and not just my opinion

See he looks at every issue like it has two sides, and they are both opinions and no body is right. Yes this is true in many ways but some things are just black and white. With money he has just got to see its not an issue of opinion but basic responsibilty and that's what I can't ever get to see I just dont know how to convince him this is a serious issue

Him and I both grew up very poor. But the way I was raised was that you save everything because it'll never come along again and he was raised like spend it all while you have the opportunity to enjoy it. I know him and I are both on extreme sides and I have gravitated away from my extreme hoarding with money but I just look at what he is doing as completely irresponsible.

F, I've been in your shoes, and my story didn't have a happy ending. I stuck it out for seven years, and have two lovely children, but it was awful. As my income increased, my H's contribution to the family decreased. We were never able to get ahead, and I made a nice bit of money.

However, your husband is right about there being two sides. His side doesn't lead to winning at life, but it's not wrong. (Although it may be wrong for you.)

One thign I notice is that even though you two are married, you seem to have his and her money. If you seriously think you may have to divorce him, don't combine the money. However, it is essential for a great marraige to only have "our" money. Otherwise you end up living two separate lives. You don’t have to decide together as a team how to spend the money.

Joint money wouldn’t have saved my marriage, but it would have shown early on how very doomed it was. One reason why my marriage was doomed is that my vote didn’t count, not on money or anything.

That’s a question you need to ask yourself: Does your vote count? And the corollary, Does my husband’s vote count? You can make your husband’s vote count, but he’s in control of whether your vote counts in the marriage.

Shalom, and I don't want to read desparaging comments about how Jewish people handle their money. That's first. It's an ugly stereotype. Just because it's coming from you doesn't make it prettier. It is also incorrect. Jews routinely donate at higher levels than any other group, and they have all kinds of rules about how to do so without humiliating the recipients.

[hmm, fleazo, you are also donating to charity - James is your charity. You are pullnig the entire load. Not good.]

You are a responsible, probably brilliant young woman with the chance for a meaningful life ahead of you. Your husband has behaved irresponsibly with his sexuality and now has 2 children he hasn't supported. Who knows how many other babies he left in his wake, whose mothers haven't caught up with him.?

There is no hope for you if you stay with James. He's "doing better than he used to"? You are both still in a pit, financially and every other way. Why are you staying? What if you get pregnant because of failed birth control?

fleazo I don't think yours is a marriage that should be saved. Find some female roommates near your school and move out with them. Walk to school. Talk to a college counselor. You are unevenly yolked. And, what about your family? Did they oppose the marriage? Would you be willing to ask for their help and counsel? They MUST have done something right, to raise a young woman like you.

I just will not support you toward working to restore your marriage. My pigheaded 2 cents.

Bellevue, thanks for speaking up on the Jewish stereotype. I meant to do that. Just as a side bar, plenty of other groups have a reputation of being tight with money--the Scotts and the Swiss come to mind. But, really there are all types in every ethnic group.

F, based solely on James' name, it sounds like he isn't Jewish. I know there have been many Gentile/Jewish marriages that work. However, it really can be a challenge, especially when children come along. It's another consideration.