I've posted a few times before. H had 1 1/2 long affair & I found out 7 weeks ago. He left for 3 days and came back and seemed so happy. 10 days ago he had lunch with the OW and lied to me about it. When I found out he went into crazy talk about how a big part of him wants to hang on to her and how he loves me and her in 2 different ways. Her b/c he enjoys being around her and me b/c he wants me to feel good and wants me to be happy, would give his life for me, blah blah blah. Of course I was pissed about the lies & we got in a huge fight and he kept telling me he wanted me & him to have a good relationship like he had with her where we laugh and have fun. Kept telling me that he wanted to try and make our marriage work. here's the problem...

ever since this lunch he has been withdrawn and doesn't want to touch me or talk to me (after 5 days of non-stop questions and crying from me) he has even been sleeping on the couch. I am in constant confusion - one minute he comes in and kisses me good night, the next minute he leaves the house and doesn't say a word. He told me on Thursday that he needed space to himself at the house and that all he could give me right now is that he loves me and wants to make our marriage work out but that right now he just needed time to think. He hasn't really been out of my sight other than work so I'm not sure if he is seeing her at all. He is just so snappy & irritable and I'm not sure how many more days I can live with that. He's miserable and it's making me miserable. Please let me know what kind of days you guys had with the wayward spouse. Are they all like this? Is this normal behavior? I'm at the point of giving up b/c I feel like he really doesn't love me, he's only staying b/c he thinks I'll fall apart if he does (I admit I've said this before). He keeps saying that he doesn't want to be with this OW but he sure doesn't act like he wants to be home. He said once that he felt like I was forcing him to stay - please help me. My body cannot handle anymore of this. Thanks.

Have you exposed the affair to family and friends?

When your husband says he is confused, or needs space, it meants he wants to continue his affair.

How long have you been married? Any children?

What do you know about the OW?

everyone knows about the affair. We have been married for 5 1/2 years and were high school sweethearts before that. so together a total of 14 years. We do not have any children but are raising my 10 year old sister (long story). The OW is single and lives an hour away. During the affair he only saw her once or twice every 2 weeks during work time. Weird thing is he actually had me and her sit down and talk with him b/c he wanted me and her to know the truth about everything. This was right after I found out. And he did tell her that he was coming back home but yet he met with her for lunch. I am at my wits end and about to throw in the towel.

btw: I did some major love busters during the last 3 weeks - I cried, begged, yelled and he kept telling me to please stop doing that I kept on. Could he also be mad at me for this?

It sounds like he is the typical addict. Also he won't be interested in working on the marriage until there is no contact. It seems like they are still in contact.

When you LB, cry and fight with him, you are helping the OW. Just remember that. Plan A is very difficult, but it may help you to set a date in your head when you will go to Plan B, if there is still contact.

Has he agreed he wants the M to work?
Has he agreed to NC with OW?
Could he be in withdrawal from OW?

Also IMHO, NEVER have THAT woman near YOU. Sounds pretty darn arrogant of WH to have the 2 of you meet so you both know what's going on?! GIVE ME A BREAK. Cake eating!!!! Stand up for yourself!!!!!!!!

I LB'ed too....probably truth be told most everyone has especially when you don't know what's going on or the why. Not that it makes it right, just happens. TRY very hard not to do that.

Take some time and think about what YOU want. Then decide how to get there. Learn from these boards, read the articles. Stand your ground (also known as state your boundaries and decide the consequenses).

Listen to the veteran MBer's (which I am not), they've already been there and got the tshirt. LOADS of great advice.

P. S. This might not be good MB advice BUT IMHO so what he's mad. YOU didn't cause this, HE DID!

At some point you have to look out for you.

When dealing with an addict "some point" needs to come a lot sooner and be visible from space.

Could you sit down to lunch with your rapist and remain calm, cool, collected, and prepared to plan A?

Me either. So don't agree to things like that.

They don't benefit him, they don't benefit you...they allow him to conmtinue to bring his distorted addict reality into being with the illusion of no consequences.

However...in order to do this [take care of you] you will have to take *personal responsibility* for every choice that you make.

He didn't *have* you sit down to lunch with her...you agreed to do it. You cooperated with something that wasn't good for you to avoid the conflict involved in saying "no" to his request.

Bet that's not new for you is it?

I bet you were TERRIFIED that saying "no" would mean he was so angry or that you were so unreasonable that he would decide once and for all to go with her instead and give yu even less than you are getting now.

The reality [unfortnately] is that people loose respect for people who don't require enough from them or who don't show SELF RESPECT by saying "no" to things that hurt them.

He might have been mad...but he'd respect you too because he couldn't control you. That creates the perception that you are a valuable and limited commodity. It creates the knowledge that he CAN loose you by not being invested enough to keep you at the table.

When he can cake eat and reduce you to begging, pleading, screaming etc...you show low value for yourself because there is seemingly nothing too low for you to accept.

If this sort of hit a nerve or two try reading the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and pay extra attention to the examples of overcompliance and to the relationship between men who are allowed to behave immaturely/irresponsibly and their spouses [and how it affects their perceptions/desire for their spouses].

littlebit..

plain and simple have you read about and do you understand plan a

you are attempting to screaam and force recovery...when you need to be building communication for recovery to come..

you are to hurt
to raw
to emotional to engage in relationship talks and feelings and blah blah blah...

and it is YOU that will overwhelm his hope and belief in recovery...
this is not to say you are not entitled to your pain and hurt....it is to say that he is not able to deal with and assist you with right now...

and it is like beating a dead horse...

you can't have instant fix...

you need to slow down

change YOUR tune...

and get his attention...

all he expects right now is emotional angry littlebit...so why not just give up.....

you want his full attention on you so...

so get it...
by changing your tune...
by becoming in control
by appearing strong and like you got an idea but aren't quite sharing it...etc

do you UNDERSTAND plan A

no relationship talk
no emotional outbursts
no yelling
no screaming...

etc...

did you read the bump for plan a get grounded here that I bumped for you last week

ARK

littlebit,

all good advice you are getting here.

And, yes, this is very typical behavior for a WS who is most likely still in an affair.

Not until he completely ends it, can you even begin recovery.