XH and I went to rival colleges. XH is rabid fan of his schools' athletic program, so much so that any time our kids were given sportswear from my college as a gift, he would say "yuck", "don't wear that", etc. His brother once gave one of the kids a sweatshirt from my school. XH started mouthing off about what an awful present it was so the child threw it in the yard. XH laughed and wouldn't make the kid go get it. I kept saying "but it was a gift, etc.". Anyway, I knew the whole thing was immature but I didn't do anything to curb it. I like sports and I like my alma mater but I am not extreme. I always pulled for x's team except when they were playing my team. Even then i was quiet about it.

Fast forward to now, kids are 10 and 8. x and I are divorced. My father invited kids and me to a game in a couple of weeks and I accepted. I've never taken kids to my alma mater and have probably been to one game there in the last 4 years. Kids have been to 3 games w/xh to his school (1/year for past 3 years) Besides that, they watch almost all of them on TV.

So tonight I am putting kids to bed and they are both crying, saying they don't want to go to game w/their grandfather, they hate that team and they won't have any fun.

Much of this is my fault. For all those years I just thought X was being silly and immature and didn't realize that nobody has explained to kids what a rivalry is and that it is not serious dislike. Kids go w/him to games and my comment is something like "that sounds like a nice day with your dad, have fun, I hope they win". So tonight I called xh and told him that he has a lot of influence on the kids and maybe he should say something similar to what I say. I think they are being unfairly influenced and that they are scared to enjoy themselves because they think their father will disapprove. His response, " Starving, they aren't stupid. They know you can't go to that town and have a good time."

Do you have any advice? I explained to the children that I do not plan on raising spoiled brats (maybe I am too late)and that we are going to the game w/my father and we are going to have fun. Youngest is playing in a baseball tournament the day after the game and I laid out the consequences, bad attitudes = no baseball tournament. I explained all of above to XH and he ranted for a few minutes about how I was being extreme and what was an unfair punishment. I said I was sorry he felt that way but there are a bunch of kids who would love to get great seats to a game like this and that our kids have them and I wasn't going to allow any disrespectful behavior by our kids toward their grandfather.

Do you have any advice? Telling XH to grow up isn't going to work. This is same guy who had A, got herpes, knocked up GF, breathed heavy sigh of relief when she agreed to abortion, paid for abortion, knocked OW up again, moved OW into his house while he was sep. but still married to me and then married OW while kids were at school one day and didn't bother to tell them. He isn't going to grow up anytime soon.

Maybe now is a good time to explain rivalry and sportsmanship to your kids. If your youngest is on a baseball team, he should understand that. Also, you could tell them this is the team of the school that YOU went to. You can also tell them it's okay to cheer for mom's team when they aren't playing dad's team and they can have a favorite when both teams play each other. That way, you model sportsmanship to them.

They may not realize their behavior is disrespectful to their grandpa. You should explain that to them as well. That grandpa wants to share a day at a sporting event with his grandkids. That's what this about. Time with grandpa.

When they are grown-ups, they can choose.

I got to tease my dad and little brother because they went to the UW (Huskies) and my oldest son is at the state rival school-WSU (Cougars). I went to another school in the state-SPU Falcons-so I get to stay out of it when the teams play each other in the "Apple Cup."

Don't bother trying to get your XH to see a reasonable point of view. His behavior at this point is predictable. No point in wasting energy there. As Bugs Bunny would say "What a maroon!"

johnstwin,

Thanks so much for the reasonable post. You are right, it is never too late to teach them about sportsmanship and respect.

We're on the other side of the country from you but I know about UW and WSU.

I told the kids last night that many of the players of each team were friends, just like my kids are friends with the kids who play on different teams in their league. I also tried to explain how those college players aren't that much older than they are and those players must think it's crazy that grown men who don't even know them are yelling at them until their faces are purple.

The last sentence was good advice for all of us here. I catch myself often becoming exasperated with XH, forgetting that he is OW's problem now. But gosh, when I remember it, or someone like you reminds me of it, I instantly relax.

As far as the kids rooting for my team, well it isn't going to happen. They pull for anyone playing my school, it's what they were taught. I just want them to be able to go to the game and enjoy themselves and not be unpleasant.

This post was not about conflict w/XH was it? It was about me and the children.

Good to see that it's not about changing X, because it did seem that you wanted him to do something to help you (highly unlikely).
I like the comments about grandpa, and that this is his event and their current behavior is disrespectful.

This stuff will continue, and not just about sports. You and X will differ in your opinions of things and you need to stand up. For my kids, it's church. We don't have to go to church with dad, why should we with you?
My answer "because this is important to OUR family. Us, and this is part of our value system".

Teaching children to hate a team teaches them Hatred. That's where I'd be upset, and focus energy on teaching them that hatred is not good.

Newly,

Thank you.The church thing is us too and has been since children were little. It was so hard dragging kids to church while daddy was on the couch reading the paper.

You are all so smart here.

The hatred comment made me think a bit about my attitude toward OW. But then I figure I can think whatever I want about her as long as I don't teach it to the children, right? And BTW, it isn't hatred really, more of a dislike because I know she wasn't given the opportunities I was while growing up. Not that it's an excuse. Anyway, comparing my life now to what it was, I have to admit that while OW and XH did untold damage to the children, they actually did me a favor.

I know what you mean about the favor. Thank God I'm out of the mess I thought was my life.


It is up to us to create a family for our children - even if their other parent's are involved. Values can be learned, whether by teaching, or not teaching.

I think you can get them excited about the game by looking up the school's website, checking out the team's stats & rankings and letting them know how excited Grandpa is to share this with them.

Hatred is an ugly thing.

My daughter's counselor used to tell me that my daughter would learn how she wanted to be treated partially by watching how she was treated by her father. He's in her life, but not focused on her. Negative attention.

Do the best you can for your children.

Thanks Newly. Sorry about your daughter and the attention she gets from her dad.

As for my X, he has said he the only times he is happy in life is when he is around the kids. They are his focus...I just wish it were a better-rounded focus. It is all about sports. Culture, religion, school are my responsibility and the kids know it. XH had them this past weekend and the older child called and asked if I would take him to the library and help w/his research paper. He said Daddy couldn't do it because he had to get ready to watch football.

We went to school recently to watch the older child's performance. At end of it, I stood and said "that was cute". X said "that was almost two hours of my life that I'll never get back." You probably think I am exaggerating and I wish I was. The sad thing is that the kids like him better than me.

Gotta say though, the church and some of the other routines that were difficult when X was here are a lot easier now. It's fun being the only boss, except there are some days that I could really use some help. I often wonder why single women w/kids don't pool their resources and move in with each other.

I'm thinking that you also have an NPD like mine. Occationally I look up the definition on the website just to remind myself of the messed up life I was in.

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html


My X couldn't make one of the kids shows because he had to go to a clean to learn about his new wood stove. He also can't take them to the Father Daughter dance (even though he'd get more time with them).

As the counselor said. This will come back to bite them. The kids know who does for them, and who is selfish.

I get the homework stuff too. It seems all of my time is spent doing the homework, and very, very little gets done at dad's house. But it's not the fun house, as he doesn't put them first. They think the order is Dad, Dad's GF, GF's daughter, and then them. Sad.

Newly,

Thanks so much for the link. I had heard from others that X had that personality but hadn't read all the characteristics. He meets a lot of them. But hey, he isn't my problem anymore. And you've gotten rid of yours too. We just have to make sure we don't end up going down that road again.

I also wanted to tell you and johnstwin thanks for helping me plan the football trip. I followed your suggestions and kids are behaving and my father is glad he's on board. Once I took the focus off of the game, it became an adventure to a historic part of our state. We'll listen to the band warm up before they go on the field and we'll play football with some of my friends' children. I told the kids that Willie Parker from the Steelers was at the game last weekend and they thought that was cool.

I can't find the exact quote on that website, but there was something that said "you will never feel good after an interaction with a narcissist".
I do reread that site after especially bad interactions with my x.

Enjoy the football game. Is it Pitt? My alma mater is doing great this year, or so the men at work tell me.

"Enjoy the football game. Is it Pitt? My alma mater is doing great this year, or so the men at work tell me."

haha. I follow it a little more closely than you...I at least check the paper the next day or ask the kids...they always know. Sometimes they give me a big eye roll but I think it makes them feel good that I am clueless and they aren't.

I don't know who is #1 in the country and maybe you don't either.

Not Pitt, UNC. Wille Parker went to UNC. Apparently the coaches didn't appreciate his talent. I heard he used to race against pit bulls when he was young..he always lost but he is super fast.

My team was/is ranked #15 recently, and played a big east school. They planned an alumni event, but didn't make any tickets available to alums. So I didn't bother to go. I heard it was a big win. Best season for my school since 1950's.

Enjoy the game.
Anything you do together with your family is a good thing. I took my girls fishing a few weeks ago. People asked if they go fishing with Dad. No. They did great and really enjoyed it, though I'm not ready to buy poles. I bought a kayak I can't even lift on my own (fits all 3 of us), and still have yet to use.

I know what you mean about the kayaks. My sister has a couple and I have borrowed them before but never as often as I think I will. She had them a while before she started using them but now she goes out often on weekends. It's easy for people to have too many hobbies and when kids are involved you tend to do what they want to do...

Glad I posted about the football game. Hard to believe they cried themselves to sleep just a few days ago because their mean mom was making them go to Chapel Hill. Now we have a totally different attitude.

I couldn't figure out what to carve on the pumpkins this year but I have decided to make helmets.."their" team and my team. Smashing pumpkins not allowed!

Enjoy your weekend. I am so glad it's here!

Oh and Newly, I asked my kids what school you went to based on info you gave in last post and they said S. Florida. But, I think you're a Wildcat.

Neither. My team plays Pitt this weekend. I only know how my team is doing because I work with all men, and they follow sports. Numbers guys with Fantasy sports.

Newly,

I am a sports dork. I don't know who it is. I guess I could look it up. Anyway, I hope you won. I asked the kids and they didn't know either. One said "Pitt is Pittsburgh". OK thanks. They told me what state it is in too as if I didn't know that either.

That fantasy football stuff is incredible. I saw some guys drafting one night at dinner and it looked like they had been there all day.

I know what school it is. Just saw it in the paper. Sorry about the loss. I got the "cat" part right at least.

I guess we lost then. I haven't looked it up yet.
Darn.

So, how was the game with the kids?

Hi Newly,

Game was today and it worked out great. Exciting game (neither team has a great record), beautiful weather, and the kids had great attitudes.

I am glad I posted here early to get some suggestions. We had two pumpkins for Halloween, one w/my team the other w/theirs. I am trying my best to teach them what they should've learned a few years ago.

My dad commented when the kids were out of earshot that they couldn't have too much fun or their dad would make them feel guilty. Sad but true.

Thanks for all your advice. We made it work and afterwards I told the kids I was proud of them and appreciated their good behavior and sportsmanship.

It's sad to think that a parent would teach a child to hate.
I'm hoping the weather near you was as great as it was here.