Straight or Turn; those words will forever echo in my head. The choice I made forever changed my entire life. Had I chose the other…I think my life would be right where I thought it would be. Instead, I was selfish. I was spoiled. And I felt indestructible. My gut told me I made the wrong choice. But my body and mind were telling me it was okay. I was young, and my experience in the world was still green. Consequence wasn’t a thing I worried about. But I should have. And I will never forgive myself.
I chose straight. I should have said turn. But I was excited. This was something different, something crazy, and something forbidden. I enjoyed temptation. I enjoyed ‘almost getting caught.’ It was such a rush. It got to the point where I craved that rush. I had to have it. So straight or turn was just the beginning of my spiral out of control. Straight or turn started it all. It unleashed this animal in me - a very hungry animal. This animal was starving for attention and acceptation. I wanted to be loved… loved by everyone. I wanted to be noticed when I walked down the street. For the first time in my life I was the center of everyone’s attention. And it felt great. But there was a price to pay for my feeling so great. The one and only person that should have mattered to me, he was crushed. He hurt so deep. But he loved me so much that he always forgave me. No matter how much I did, or didn’t do to him… he was always there… waiting patiently… willingly. All he wanted was my love and affection. He was there the whole time, but I looked through him. And sometimes… he’d let me do these things because it spiced up our own relationship. The bedroom became a temple of passion and intimacy we had never felt before. I was this wild animal… and he loved it. But then we’d get bored. Everything became mundane… so he’d let me go ‘do my thing’ so our temple would rise once again. This went on for about 6 years of our marriage. We fought about it. Made up… and then did it again. It was a vicious cycle. For some reason, we were never content with monogamy. By the end of the second year of living this lifestyle, we had ‘regular partners’. We thought we were being secretive about it. But the whole town knew. A. and C. were Swingers. Girls were afraid of me though. The guys didn’t give a crap though. They just wanted a piece of me and then go on their way. They wanted to have the privilege of saying, ‘yeah, I was with her once.’
Then there was a scare that should have scared us straight. But it didn’t. I was pregnant. And it was a toss up between C. and one other guy being the father. We were terrified. I was so worried. How would we explain this to our families? What would people say? Now that I think about it… why the ****** did it take something like this for me to suddenly worry what other people thought about me? What the ****** was I doing? I worried myself into an early miscarriage. We all were so relieved. Now there was no explaining to do. But there were definitely changes to be made.
C. and I really slowed down. There were no more parties. No more partners. No more anything but us. And for the first time in a long time, that was what we wanted. We decided, ‘okay, we’ve had our fun, but it’s time to grow up.’ Then we moved to New Mexico. We bought a house, brand new furniture, a couple trucks… we were on our way to a new and better life. A clean slate… oh, but how wrong that is.
We got comfortable in our new home. We liked our new life. It felt whole. It felt real. And it felt right. But then in the blink of an eye, it all changed again. We went back to our old ways. This time round though, I was uncomfortable. I didn’t wanna do it, but I did at the same time. We were getting bored again. So it started… again.  We fought a lot. I was convinced this one girl he was with, which was and old flame from our home town was falling in love with him. That bothered me a lot. I kept a watchful eye on her. And I noticed things. I had to take a trip. I was going to be gone about a week. But I needed someone to look after our son and the house while I was gone because C. had to work. She volunteered right away. Free of charge. I thought, okay. It’ll be alright. Little did I know though, he had other thoughts. I found out that she had started moving my stuff to the back of the closet, or under the sinks in the bathrooms… little things… the witch was moving in on my husband. She even had made a comment along the lines of ‘C. deserves to come home to an immaculate house and a hot meal on the table.’ As if I didn’t ever do that. My blood boiled. She knew somehow that I had found out about her little comments and things that she did while I was gone, so she was gone the day before I got here. And yes, she and C. had been having sex while I was gone. Probably every night for all I know. But that’s not what bothered me. C. was having sex, she was making love. And I just couldn’t handle that. But I was mad at C. too. In this stupid game that we were playing, feelings were not allowed to develop. It was only for the sex, nothing more. So instead of ending the lifestyle there, I went and found me an unsuspected toy to play with. And I made sure C. knew about it. For some reason I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to regret letting that little Biotch think she could replace me. Why I took it out on him, I still don’t know. The whole thing was just irresponsible and stupid. I should have just ended it there. But no, I wanted revenge. I was angry. So the score was settled. I felt better, he felt better, and all was good. Then I got another man in my sites that I just had to have; then another, then another after that. The numbers were getting higher on my end. And C.’s stayed the same. Eventually we got bored with it. And thought… ‘You know, this just isn’t for us anymore is it?’ But we had to have one more round… and then we’d stop for good. That last round was the all time burn; the ultimate wake up call. C. got a girl pregnant. And this girl that was supposed to be my friend. But she was in love with C. She wanted him all to herself. She saw my life and wanted it. Just like the girl before. The one I chased away.
I begged her to get an abortion. She wouldn’t do it. Absolutely refused to have one, she was dead set on having C.’s child and that is just the way it was gonna be. My world crumbled. My heart broke. My entire life had just changed. I hated her. I hated him. Why didn’t they use protection? Why couldn’t they have chosen another time of the month to have sex? WHY!!!!??? These questions raced through my head over and over again.
So now here we are. C. has a 1 year old boy, a one year old boy who doesn’t belong to me. My heart aches. I cry all the time. I am devastated. And whose fault is it? MINE! Yeah, mine. This could have been prevented years ago. Years ago I should have said one simple word… Turn.
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I don't know what I am looking for on here. I am sure most of you think of me as a horrible person. And maybe I am... maybe I got what I deserved.
But now what? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
