Hi,
Try and make this quick!
Relationship of 3 years, married for 1 year. Her son of 6, not mine.
Found out she has been having an affair for about 4 months on and off. I left to work away for a while (out of the country), which she encouraged and now I know why...
A few days after I went away for work, the other guy moved in! I found out and came back.
I then found out he was lying to her, about other women, money etc. She finished with him 3-4 times and I THINK they are finished now.
She is living back with me.
PROBLEM is she thinks she loved this guy, he looked really good but he didn't turn out to be. She knows that, and she does know she can't have a long term relationship with him because of his lies, but it's kind of like she is addicted to him. I know he has tried to call a couple of times and she has called him at least once since they split.
She is as I said living with me and her son in our home but she keeps wanting to run to her friends empty apartment. I feel this is motivated a) by her guilt but also she is drawn to this guy still.
Problems before were, me being stressed, bit angry sometimes, drifted apart, mainly through me being stressed about money etc. I was at home too much, she felt like I controlled her too much and sometimes I wasn't too good with her son, nothing bad just not how she wanted.
We always had a great connection, which I know is not easy to find and that is why I am not in a lawyers office now. I know she does feel the same and cannot cut me out of her life either.
I just don't know how to fix this. I am trying to work out, find another job closer to home, but how do I deal with her guilt and depression about him. Do I give her space, back off...I just don't know

Any help really appreciated. I don't want to give up...

Just found out in the last 20 minutes she is with him tonight....thing is I know she knows he is no good long term, I know she sees that but it's like she has an addiction to him she cannot break after trying for just the weekend and being with me, she couldn't keep it up tonight and had to see him......What do I do?

Hi marc,

Sorry that you have to be here but you can find some good help.

You need to buy a copy of the book Surviving an Affair. Study it hard and implement the suggestions it contains. Some of the information is contained in the other areas of this site but it is quite fragmented. The book is easier to deal with IMHO.

You need to read about Exposure and Plan A. You will feel compelled to do something immediately. Don't. Take your time and do it right.

There are lots of threads here from people who have tried implementing the advice. IMHO the most useful are the successful ones because they give you some hope. Try this one.

It will come as no comfort but she sounds like a text book case. Addict is right.

Good luck to you.

Hi
I will buy it, but any advice anyone can give me now....I feel like exploding when she crawls in probably at 6am having been in bed with him, trying not to explode and call her 50 thousand times now, I haven't yet....how do I handle it???

Married 1 year
No kids

I think the answer is pretty straightforward. Either you leave now, or risk being hurt in even worse ways if you decide to stay in your M. I think even Harley suggests that infidelity in so young an M is not a very good sign at all.

My opinion: a permanent Plan B is called for in this situation.

marc

You want to save your marriage. Going off half cocked won't help.

Exposure is what you need to do first. You can read about it here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB37&Number=1129681

You have to do this right and not rush into it. You also have to be prepared for the extreme reaction it will provoke. You also have to do it as one step in a whole process of Plan A/Plan B.

Thanks for the advice. The only problem is exposure I dont think will help. Her friends know what is going on, the other guy is single (divorced), so I don't know exactly who I expose it to. Her family is in Brazil, just her Mum, so that won't help and mine are also in a different country.
Are there any alternatives to exposure to help split them up before Plan A, or is my only option Plan A?

I had one idea of dirty tricks, she knows he wants other women, she's not 100% important to him etc and more (but she still is drawn to him) so I was thinking of cooking up an email in Photoshop that paints her in unflattering terms supposedly sent by one of his friends in reply to one of his emails.
I know it's low but so is infidelity. I know he will obviously deny it vigorously but he cannot PROVE he didnt send it. It will put more doubts in her head.
What's the opinion on this and my post above.....is all fair in infidelity, anything to split them up or is it too low?

Hi Marc,

I would focus on trying to learn the MB principles here on the website and from the books...

Pretending to send e-mails as if you are the OM will almost surely backfire on you and it really isn't going to change your W's mind about anything right now as she is all fogged up.

Learn about Plan-A and the things that you need to do to implement it... Your first priority is to end the A with this OM. If he has family, expose to his family, to his work, to your W's work, expose to anyone that you think might be able to put some pressure on the A...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I would change the locks and forget who she is.


Divorce her now.

Dude,

""Do I give her space, back off...I just don't know ""

You should give her all the space...and run away as fast as you can. I think ANNULMENT would be more appropriate than divorce in this case.

You are married one year, and 8 months (or less) into the marriage she is having sexual relations with another man!!

You travel out of country AND HE MOVES INTO YOUR HOUSE!!!

Right after your first post on this thread, YOU FIND OUT SHE HAS JUST SPENT THE NIGHT WITH THIS LOW LIFE!!

Listen to yourself and SNAP OUT OF IT!!

You are setting yourself up for months or years of misery if you continue to try to "fix" this.

""Any help really appreciated. I don't want to give up..""

If you have a cancerous tumor, you don't give up, but you surgically REMOVE it.

Life is way to short to live in agony and grief day by day, letting this ruin your health...physical, mental and spiritual!!

IMHO

kirk

I think you made a big mistake, friend. She is not in any way committed to you and is just using you. I would get out now before you have kids with this woman and have to deal with her affairs/STDs/OM in front of your children. Have you been tested for STDs?