Four nights have gone by now without contact from WW. It's been nice, really, because I don't want to talk to her (though I do have a desire to know what's going on). I have an appointment scheduled with IC tomorrow. If you read the transcript of our joint session, he encouraged us to continue seeing a therapist, especially prior to making any big decisions. When I asked her last, WW said she did have another appointment with him before she left. I never heard when it was or what she talked about.

I've been trying to take care of more details of my move out. My parents are driving in from a neighboring state (arriving Friday) to help me move this Saturday, along with a couple of co-workers. Today I arranged for the rental of a storage unit to put a few items of ours (and some of her old junk she left) into.

I also received a free copy of Dr. Harley's "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" in the mail today, from when I last called into the radio show. Sadly, I read Part One tonight and actually felt a little depressed. Maybe it's not the right book for the moment. At any rate, the hardcover book is $18.99 (plus shipping of $2.47) so anyone out there concerned that Marriage Builders is just about selling books and/or making money should call into the radio show. After getting free advice and a free book, I think they'd change their mind.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Walked out the door to go to work today and discovered my car has been stolen. My insurance agent commented 'You're not having the best luck lately, are you?'

Oh no! How horrible! Hope they find it quickly!

Is there any indication this is related to your WW moving out?
I certainly hope not...

WW made first contact post-moveout today. Coincidentally enough, she called my cell phone while I was at my IC session. Here's the message she left:

[color:"green"]Oh, hi, it's WW, um, I'm just calling to see, um, how you're doing and, um, y'know, just to see what was going on and, um, and just things like that. Um, I hope you can hear this OK. I don't get the greatest signal here so I guess I need talk to you about that as well. Anyway, I'm about to head off to work, so, um, and there I'm pretty much unreachable because the cell phone doesn't work, um, at the newspaper. So I don't know if you would want to talk after I get off work, which is like, um, at 11, or what. I guess you could send me a TM and let me know if I can just, like what would be a good time to call you or if you want to call me back or whatever. Um, I hope you're doing alright and that the whole opening weekend for the exhibit went well, um, and hopefully I'll talk to you soon.[/color]

I don't want to talk to her. So I don't plan on calling her back. The cell phone issue she brought up is that she wants me to release her number so she can take it to a different company with better coverage in her new area. I will do that. I will also let her know about the storage unit I rented for some of our belongings that neither could take (she agreed to fund or co-fund it). I figure I will send an e-mail to her personal account with those details.

One thing I learned from Part Two of "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" was about Care. Here's a good segment:


That seems to be very much the situation I have, which is that WW can say 'I still care about BHHFSGuy' and what it really means is 'I hope BHHFSGuy will somehow be happy in life.' Her voice message reeks of this to me.

What's the deal with your car?

You are totally right about the whole attitude and tone.

It's funny because I still hear that from my ex. "He's the father of my children. I care about him." Yet won't give me more time with them.

Go figure.

You will do so well as time passes.

You should be in PLAN B, dark as outer space brother. Let her experience life on her own and reap the consequences of her decisions which include not getting any support of any kind including EN for communication, companionship, etc from you. DARK!!!!!!!

I sent an extremely succinct message just before noon to WW's personal e-mail account noting that I'd initiated the Change of Responsibility on her cell phone number and listing the various bills she needed to reimburse me for (including the storage unit I've reserved to hold the overflow items like washer, dryer, vanity table, dresser, bed).

But she must not have Internet access at the company condo yet, because I got a text message from her at 12:54 p.m.

[color:"green"]Did you get my call? Please tell me how I can help cover your move & the storage & whatever else. I am truly sorry you have to move too. Hope we can talk soon.[/color]

Yes, I'm sorry I have to move too. And whose fault is that? Not mine. This whole thing seems to fit right into the 'caring as a cruel hoax' that Dr. Harley wrote about. She's sorry that circumstances are they way they are and hopes I'm doing OK. But if she was really 'truly sorry,' as she claims, she wouldn't have left in the first place and created the situation where I have to move out.

She should have Internet access at work, which she starts at about 2 p.m., so I won't be responding to her text message. I think the e-mail answers any necessary questions.

As to the car situation... I'm currently driving a rental car that is covered by my insurance company. It has more cargo space than my normal 2-door, so that should come in handy this weekend for the move.

The patrol officer who took the report told me that there has been an increase in thefts in the last couple of weeks, which was also noted by the car rental agent. He also said if it's found, it'll probably be found within a week or two.

I got a call today from my insurance company with more details: if it's not found in three weeks, they'll 'buy it' by paying off the bank I'm currently making payments to. And, of course, then I'll need to get a car (sigh).

WW responded to my succinct e-mail with this reply from her personal account:

[color:"green"]Thanks for calling (mobile phone company). I'm not receiving any calls or messages on my phone when I'm at work, so I definitely have to switch providers.

I will send you a check tomorrow. I can also cover half or more of the moving costs, so please let me know what that amount would be. There should be a refund coming on the condo deposit, so just make sure it's repaid directly to you.

I'll mail the check to you at (workplace) unless you have another address I should use.

I'm really sorry to have left you with so much to move. I opted against taking the bigger desk and the printer because you use it more than I do. Then I just ran out of space and, as it turns out, forgot a lot of other random items.

FYI, my new work e-mail address is XXX, but I check this one daily as well. Sadly, I do not know my work phone number yet, so I just have the cell number. No mailing address yet,
either.

I hope you're doing all right and would be willing to talk to me sometime soon. I do worry about you.[/color]

I see nothing here that is necessary to respond to. So I will not respond at all to her. I may send her an invoice for the moving materials later.

She knows that I will continue to check the mail at our place even after I move, so her asking for a different address kind of seems like she's fishing for where I'm moving to (which I will not tell her).

I don't quite understand how she 'forgot lots of random items' since I asked her to write out a list and that very list was sitting on the table in the dining room the whole day she moved out. I had originally wondered if she left some things so as to have a reason to come back (a la George Costanza) so I'll be waiting to hear if she wants to retrieve any of it.

Her remark that I use the bigger computer desk more than she does makes no sense, because the bigger computer desk had the bigger, desktop computer on it and the speaker system ... both of which she took. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Now I get to move the bigger computer desk into my smaller apartment and put my tiny laptop on it. Gee, thanks for thinking of me!

Oh, and she hopes I'd be willing to talk with her soon. WW, you wanted to see how you could fare 'on your own' and here's your chance.

I notice that she's being awfully nice and giving right now, probably in the hopes that I'll talk to her. I predict that when I continue to not talk to her, she'll change her tactics to being angry and trying to guilt me. And maybe she'll even resort to withholding financially, which is a big reason why I'm moving out (so I don't have to be dependent on her at all and any financial threats would be meaningless)

I've been dark for 5 full days now and I think it's going pretty good so far. At least, I think I'm doing better than she is.

You are getting the hang of this.

WW e-mailed me again this afternoon and I don't think it really says much worth sifting through, but I thought I'd post it just for the sake of completeness:

[color:"green"]I got set up with a PO Box today. Here is my new mailing address: XXXX

This made me able to finally submit a change of address form, but it will probably take a while to start. Meanwhile, a confirmation letter will show up there.

Among the random things I have realized that I forgot last week were several envelopes of photos that I think were stored in the cube with the albums. Among them are one marked from Fred Meyer, and another I think is marked from Wal-Mart. They include those 5x7 portrait shots my family had done at Brookside and ones from BFF's wedding. If you happen to come across them, could you please include them with the packet of my mail?

I mailed you a check this afternoon, so you should get it at work early next week. [/color]

I did manage to find the photos she was talking about and will send them with her mail to her PO Box. That is all.

Oh, and the police found my car today and arrested the guy driving it. They need me to make a statement Tuesday as to whether or not I know the guy, etc.

Hey B_Guy!

Glad you're getting your car back! You seem to be doing well and you're getting lots of great advice... hope you have a great weekend...

Semper Fi,

RIF

BHHF,

I am becoming confused. Do you want to remain married to your W or not? She has moved and you have no contact with her and seem to want no contact with her. If that is the case file for divorce and quite playing around.

If you are trying to punish her, then...STOP. It will not serve you well at all. I realized she said she wanted to be on her own. If that is your motivating factor be what she is NOT, HONEST. Tell her that you will not communicate with her because she stated she wants to be "on her own".

Then she will likely file for divorce. I really don't understand your goals or your plan, but you need to clarify both and then execute them. You are at a crossroads in your life, and standing in the middle of the road will only get you hit by the next truck coming through. Start planning, start making decisions, and get on with it.

I know you are hurt by her behavior, and I understand that she is feeling guilty about what she is doing, but her guilt and your hurt will get neither of you anywhere. Step up, or step out, life can be that binary sometimes.

Please think about this and get a plan.

God Bless,
JL

JL, you advice seems to conflict with Plan B. Then again, Plan B is there to end an affair. There's no affair on her end anymore, unless you count her overall WW attitude. My guess is that she's looking.

BG, I think you're doing great. There's no need to emerge from the darkness of B since that's only going to serve to open wounds and hurt you, not bring her back.

You are doing right in protecting yourself and your feelings.

I can relate to the attitude about "I left this for you".

I deal with that right now. I look at what I have and see what my ex kept and really see how selfish she was in keeping our things. I got the hard bed. I got an entertainment center that's falling apart, a computer desk that is falling apart, a recliner we paid $50 for, two video game chairs, and the stuff I had when I was single. She kept all our nice things and decorations. She was very generous in her mind. I thought I was getting all the stuff back in mine because of her promises that there was hope.

You're smart and dealing with this smartly and dealing with things as I wish I had. Granted, I had 3 kids and you don't. That's why I say you're lucky. Kids give you an incentive to save things. I think you're seeing that there is nothing to hold you to her and are likely better off with someone who hasn't cheated on you than with someone who has. You're young, afterall.

All I want to say is that you're doing great. If no contact is helping you, then great. If you want to save your marriage, then you may need to consider and not just take my advice. If you don't want to, which I don't see why you would, then stay dark.

B-guy:

JL has a point.

papa:

I must have missed the part where B-guy gave his W his plan B letter.

If he's really in plan B, then he needs 2 give her the letter so she knows what she needs 2 do 2 come back, if that's what she wants.

If he doesn't want 2 be married 2 her - and that's reasonable 2, considering her single lifestyle choices - then he needs 2 get on with the paperwork.

-ol' 2long

I'm sorry to keep anybody hanging, but I've been very busy dealing with a few things: moving from 3bdrm/1.5bth condo into 1bdrm/1bth apartment, stolen car, work, arranging vacation. So first I'll give a recap on all the above.

My parents drove in from out-of-state to help me move, and a couple of my co-workers also helped out. It was a very successful but exhausting move that lasted from Friday afternoon through Sunday evening. We got the relevant items put into the storage unit (her college bed, boxes of books, vanity, washer & dryer, etc.) I was physically drained when it was all finished. Of course, it's not exactly finished, since I still have to open many of the boxes and get the apartment set up.

It was great to see my parents again and we had some good conversations during meals together. I think both of them held their tongues a bit regarding WW, knowing that it might make things harder if the two of us successfully recover our marriage. But they are very supportive of me and the choices I've been making. And as much as the move is an unwanted situation, they agree that it is wise given the circumstances. They are also willing to help me out financially when/if I need assistance with legal bills, etc.

On Monday, I took some time out to go see my car in the tow yard. The exterior (dark blue) had been spray-painted white (very poorly), the rear license plate was spray-painted over, the ignition column was ripped up, the stereo was ripped out, and the back seat and trunk were filled with bicycle parts, burger wrappers, and other trash. It has been towed to an auto body shop and the insurance estimator will be looking it over and giving the shop their work orders. Best case scenario is that it'll get repaired to fully-working and it'll cost me my deductible: $250. But we are talking about an insurance company, so we'll see.

I also turned over the condo to the landlord, who thought the place looked very clean on the walk-through and said we'd be getting most of our $1K deposit back (and WW has written that I should receive it).

On Tuesday I attempted to prepare for a brief vacation beginning Wednesday. I'm visiting my college friend South of the Border through Monday. Today is actually my birthday, so I'm using the money I'll be receiving back from the deposit to treat myself a bit and take this trip. Mmm, siesta...

Somewhere in that timeline I received Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders," based on a suggestion from Cherishing (Thanks!). I have found it quite interesting and will write more about in a separate post. It has assisted me in coming to a decision about some things that have been left undecided...

After my last post, I got some criticism for not having a plan, playing around and trying to punish WW. First, let me assure you I'm not trying to punish WW and I'm not playing around. I have kept contact to the barest of minimums because it is too painful for me to talk to her at this point. Given that, I should be in Plan B. But as was pointed out, I have not yet sent a Plan B Letter. There are a few reasons for this: First, I didn't have a mailing address for WW until Friday evening (when the move was beginning).

Second, I no longer believed everything I had written in my PBL. As I tried to communicate in an earlier post, my desire to stay married to WW had dwindled to nothing (stayed in Plan A too long?). And I no longer believed that love could be restored because I was concerned that maybe it was never truly there to begin with for one of us.

Third, I saw no path for recovery because of the major changes now brought to our marriage. Based on the advice Dr. Harley gives on the radio show, I predicted he would say we need to be living together, which would require either a) WW to quit her new job to come back and live in my new 1bdrm/1bth apt... She would not be able to get her old job back because that position is not being filled due to budget cuts. b) Me to quit my job and move out to Lost Wages, CA, where it would be very difficult for me to find a decent job... I would be very unhappy because I would feel like I was being punished for WW's actions, and WW would be unhapppy because, once again, she would be supporting the both of us.

Even though I haven't posted in a week, I have been thinking quite a bit about what you all have written. I disagree that I'm standing in the crossroads not making decisions and don't have goals. I've been quite busy with trying to achieve my goal of protecting myself financially and emotionally, and making decisions that will take control of my life away from WW and give it back to me. A side effect from this may be that WW will regain respect for me because I'm not 'dependent' on her anymore. At the very least, I will respect myself more. I also disagree that I should just file D paperwork and get on with it. WW only moved out less than two weeks ago, so I would consider that move to be quite rash, maybe the one thing I most do not want to be.

But I do agree that I should communicate to WW the reason why I will not talk to her. Otherwise it will look even more like punishment to her, in-laws, BFF, etc. The question for me was 'under what circumstances WILL I talk to her?' and reasons 2 & 3 above were holding me back from even wanting to recover the marriage.

So I've come to a decision. Even though I don't see a path to recovery and happiness, I'm not the expert. The Harleys are. If there's any chance at recovery and happiness, they will best be able to find it and lead us down it. And if WW will not or cannot follow their advice... well, at least I'll truly know that at least I gave it a final chance.

I will post an updated PBL that explains 'why' I am not speaking to her (pain, hurt) and 'what' she must be willing to do for me to speak to her again (NC with OM, engage in program of marital recovery). I will mail it to her next week after I return from vacation. Buenas noches!

Happy Birthday BHHHSguy

Mr. W

BG,

I think you're doing great and hanging on to your dignity. No, don't just run out and get divorced. But don't hang on forever either.

Have fun on your vacation.

I just want to point out that you don't have to reconcile if she meets your plan B conditions. However, if you don't know if you can do the hard work of recovery, have the plan B letter specify that she needs to contact the Harleys and develop her own plan back to recovery. I do think that you need to send her a plan B letter soon, so she knows why you aren't contacting her and what she needs to do to be in contact with you again.

On a happier note, Happy Birthday!

As I mentioned in my last post, I purchased Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders" and have now finished it. I found it incredibly insightful and that it applied very much to my M. After taking the Quiz, it's pretty apparent that I'm a Buyer, albeit with some Renter tendencies, and generally let my Giver run roughshod over my Taker. And it's pretty apparent that WW is a Renter, as the example given of what happens in a relationship between a Renter and a Buyer matches quite well. Also, the chapter on Living Together before Marriage (which we did at WW's insistence) helped foster the Renter attitude.

However, it has given me some hope and helped convince me to leave the door open for WW, because it describes how few people are really stuck in any one of these modes forever. That even Freeloaders can be convinced to adopt a Buyer's attitude and it will create a happy marriage.