Oh, and this I forgot to mention: I often did freelance work for past employers, etc. in order to bolster my income. When I did this, WW would express disappointment that I was spending so much time working and not enough with her.

Things have been going well for me. I gave my Intermediary her first assignment on Nov. 8, which was to send a bill for my moving expenses and the monthly expenses (basically a reply to WW's last e-mail to me). Although she was initially a little uncomfortable with the prospect of communicating with WW, she took to it pretty well and said she was comfortable with what she had written.

On Saturday, Nov. 10, I purchased a new car (Honda Fit), thanks to a promissory loan note from my parents to cover the down payment. I have a good credit rating/score, so I was able to get a good APR and get the monthly payments to a manageable level. My monthly insurance premiums will go up because the car is new but I think it's doable.

The next day I attended a nearby church for the first time, to check it out. I then attended a local wine event with one of my coworkers, one of my former coworkers and her sister, since my coworker had free tickets for us all. I drove us around in my new car and the four of us went out to dinner afterward. It was a very enjoyable day.

I arranged for two of my support group coworkers to go out to dinner with me on Tuesday, Nov. 13th (our eight-year wedding anniversary) and I had a very enjoyable time with the two of them at a nearby restaurant.

On Thursday, Nov. 15, I went to a concert in the big city. I had purchased two tickets more than a month ago, but was only able to use the one. I was a little concerned I might see WW there, since the group is one of her favorites. But then I realized she'd have to make a 3-1/2 hour drive on a work night to do so. I enjoyed the concert a lot, although I was a little bummed I had no one to share it with.

I went back to the church this last Sunday, and again found it pretty pleasant. I then went out with a guy friend to see Beowulf in 3D in a neighboring city. The drive there and back gave us a lot of time to talk. But he's pretty young, so I always have to take his advice with a few grains of salt. For instance, he thinks I should move to France and go to work at the Louvre.

I've also had the opportunity to talk with one of my married college friends and my family. Generally I've been getting the new apartment arranged and getting used to living alone (making food for one, watching favorite TV shows by myself, etc.)

Today my Intermediary informed me that she had received an e-mail from WW and she'd be cutting and pasting the necessary info into a message to me. Although I'm curious what didn't make the cut, I know I should not know because it would probably rile me. Intermediary said WW was just as cordial to her in the e-mail as Intermediary was in her original message.

Here's what I got:

[color:"green"]I have mailed an envelope to you in care of the WORKPLACE with two things to pass on to BHHFSGuy: a check for his moving expenses, plus his bank statement for this month.

Apparently, when I changed my mailing address for my own accounts, the bank mistakenly did so on his as well since my name is listed on it. So please let him know that he will need to contact the bank to change the mailing address and phone number info on his account.

Also, regarding the storage space expense: I'm going to need some more information from BHHFSGuy about the space, such as what the total monthly cost of it is, the size of the unit and what items are being stored in it.[/color]

During my lunch break I visited the storage unit and made a list of all the items in it, then got that and the other necessary info to Intermediary.

I have received a Thanksgiving invitation (two, actually) so I won't be by myself come Thursday.

Hi BHHFSGuy,

I've been following your story and just wanted to let you know I'm pulling for you. Sounds like you're moving in a good direction for you.

Thanks for the words of support, CC. I'm definitely moving in a good direction for me.

Yesterday was pretty busy for my Intermediary. Not long after she sent my response to WW's questions, she received more. Here's what I got:

[color:"green"]First, what is the situation with the T-Mobile bill? Did BHHFSGuy get billed for both our phone numbers, even though I went through the process last month for getting an individual account and billing for my phone number? Does that mean I need to contact them again to get that straightened out?

Also, I'd like to know how much money BHHFSGuy got back on the $1,000 condo deposit. Finally, I'd like to know if it will be possible for me to have access to this storage unit ... be given a copy of the key or whatever. [/color]

I gave the Intermediary my responses, which were basically: Yes, I did get billed for both the numbers (9/29-10/28). I haven't gotten any of the deposit back. And I will mail her a key to the storage unit.

WW had said the coverage up there was terrible with T-Mobile, so I thought the change of ownership on the phone number was so she could take the number to another company that was better up there. Yet she still hasn't switched to a different carrier after a month?

I also find it a little odd that she's taking such a keen interest in the storage unit all of a sudden. Understandable, I guess, since it has a lot of her items and she's paying for it. But it would be a 5-1/2 hour roundtrip for her to come and get anything from it.

Oh well. I'm not going to get myself too mentally or emotionally involved by spending time reading into this. Just thought I would log it into the record here. One of my former coworkers is dropping by this morning who I haven't seen for a few months. And later I need to pick up the ingredients to make the yam dishes for both a Wednesday evening and Thursday evening Thanksgiving dinner.

B-Guy,

From someone who prior to now, had only read this thread...

Wow, I'm sorry to read of your pain and suffering. I am pulling for you 100%!

I don't think I've ever posted to anyone who wished their M to be restored, to please reconsider.

I hope to someday read, in the future, when you are ready...

About the new love of your life, and your wonderful healthy relationship or M.

You deserve it, -JKT

Thanks so much for the words of support, JKT. Although I used to bristle at any comments that were not supportive of the restoration of the marriage, I now find them reassuring. Up through a few weeks ago I still held some guilt as to whether I had done as much as I could and felt like the failure of the marriage was a personal failure of mine. I worried that others would question my 'giving up' and criticize me for not sticking it out longer. It seems those were misguided fears, as I discover more and more people who not only don't blame me but actually question the benefit of trying to hold on to WW. Just today my Intermediary admitted to me that she felt like e-mailing WW and asking 'What are you thinking?!'

As an update on the situation, I have continued to be in a very dark Plan B. It's easy to be so dark because WW is so far away, doesn't know where I live, and has no friends in this city that could let her know what I'm up to. What I've been up to is continuing to organize my new apartment: going through boxes and getting rid of old crud. A couple of the boxes I went through contained a bunch of old cards and correspondence, dating back to 1994. I was sorting through them in order to put the ones addressed to WW in the storage unit. During that process I ended up reading quite a few cards from WW to me. I got incredibly choked up as I read them. At first I thought maybe it wasn't a good idea, but then figured it was probably good to let all those emotions out. Here are three samples:

[color:"green"]Ten years later, I just want to say thanks for being the best prom date ever ... oh, and the love of my life, too! Who would have known? These past ten years have been the happiest of my life, and that's all because of you. I love and cherish you so much!

Thank you so much for taking care of me, loving me, supporting me and encouraging me for all these years. I am so very grateful to have you in my life every single day and that I can know we'll always be together to face all that the world has to offer us and challenge us with. I hope I can make you feel the same!

Here's to 27 years of the most wonderful, loving, kind, thoughtful (and handsome!) husband in the world. You are an amazing lifelong gift to me; I hope I am able to repay you for all you do somehow! Here's hoping the year ahead is a happy one for you. All my love...[/color]

Even though I knew WW was in the fog when she spewed the 'I've been unhappy the whole marriage' lines, it still gnawed at the back of my mind. I was trying to figure out what was true and what wasn't. So even though reading all these letters made me bawl and try to figure out where things went so wrong, it ultimately made me feel better to have some reassurance that I haven't just been some selfish a-hole that caused this through my neglect. I also noticed a bit of a pattern throughout many of them, where she expressed her uncertainty of whether or not she could 'repay' me or match my efforts. Which seems to speak to her having a Renters attitude, maybe.

I spent the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving at a former coworker's home with some other former coworkers and their friends and acquaintances. I had my first 'How's your wife doing?' question from one of them, to which I cheerfully replied 'I don't know. She left me. Happy Thanksgiving!' His girlfriend reprimanded him, but I tried to assure him he had not overstepped any bounds or bothered me and I'm still trying to figure out the best way to answer people. I think the whole exchange made them more uncomfortable than me. I don't know if that's anything I can change no matter what I say.

I had a very enjoyable Thanksgiving at the home of one of my coworkers, whose family consists of about 7 adults and 12 children. So it was quite a big dinner and we had a nice time afterward playing the game I brought. They were very gracious to have a stranger share their Thanksgiving dinner and no one asked any questions about why a married man was eating there without his wife. They invited me back for Thanksgiving leftovers on Saturday, in addition to more games and a movie.

Upon return to work on Monday, my Intermediary informed me she had received an e-mail from WW stating that the envelope I sent to her with the storage unit info and key had a hole in it and the key was missing. I said I'd send another key and also that I had received the refund of the condo cleaning deposit ($700). Later in the day I received WW's check for the shared November expenses (car insurance, etc.)

The Intermediary also agreed with me that the e-mail about the T-Mobile bill seemed a bit agitated. It was over a month ago that WW said she would have to change service providers, yet she still hasn't. So I'm thinking she was agitated that I was once again going to see all her placed calls on the phone bill.

I let the Intermediary know that the holidays are a ripe time for waywards to initiate false overtures toward recovery and that all the rules would be exactly the same during December and I would accept no contact with WW unless the conditions of the PBL are met. Similarly, I expect that any legal movement from me will be a surprise to WW, so she should be prepared for some kind of response.

I'll be back home for Christmas and I suspect WW will also be there, as will BFF. So I'm a little worried about the proximity issue and the chance for the two of them to break Plan B. I'm also wondering if the in-laws will make any contact during the holiday season. But my family knows about Plan B, so I don't think I have to worry about them letting any sunshine in.

BHHFSGuy

I would be working on yourself right now. Looking to do things that make you improve your life for you. Take a look at all the personal development and motivational media out there. It will help boost your self esteem and get your energy pumping. I don't know if you are into exercising but 2 or 3 times a week you should try and make 45 minutes aerobic activity (gentle to start with) to get the endorphins going.

While you are working on yourself just keep your options open. With the new 'feel good' you will draw people to you.

Perhaps one of those could be your WW but it may also be the person that will make you happier then ever before - keep your options open but don't wait for them.

It's hard to go through the belongings and rest of the stuff, but that's all it is - stuff.

I was in Lourdes earlier this year and being healthly I felt such an imposter. We have to be thankful for what we have and the option that we can still make something of our life. Choose life!!

My last post probably didn't communicate this, but I would say that I am definitely focused on myself and not WW. I don't really have any friends or family here, so going out and doing things with others is a step forward for me and I'm trying to grow and strengthen my social circle. The only problem is that most of my coworkers and friends are single women, so I have to be cautious to the dangers of any alone time with them. Trying to accommodate the schedule of three people is a little more difficult, but I'm hoping to have some come over this week and do some Christmas decorating/baking at my new place. I'm then planning on hosting an apartment-warming party.

I think my self-esteem is much better now than it was 4 months ago and it's starting to show. My Intermediary told me I seemed to be much happier and self-assured lately. I plan on joining a gym in January, provided I can afford it.

I'm glad you are doing well. I'm still holding out hope for you.

You seem to be on the right track which is great to see. Don't worry about being alone with single women. If you feel uncomfortable with them just stick to public places where there are other people around. Don't worry about developing feelings for new people. You deserve to have a special someone. I know right now you want you're old life back with your wife, but like I said before, keep your options open. Don't limit your chances of happiness.

Don't wait to join a gym to exercise (although it is good to meet & be with other people). Get out for fast walks, light jogs, etc. Motion drives emotion. Move and you feel better. One of the worst positions for feeling low is sitting still.

Also try out the motivational Cd's that are out there. use them on the way to work, out for walks, jogs, etc. They'll help to boost you no end.

Hi BHHFSGuy,


I'd caution you strongly to not go there - that's the same attitude your WW had. Of course, you already know that...

I think you're still moving in the right direction. I think re-reading all those cards and letters was a good thing, although I understand it was painful. But you were there, you know she wasn't unhappy your entire marriage, and this is evidence to reaffirm that.

All the best... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Part of my job is interacting with the newspaper where WW worked and met OM coworker. So quite a few people at WW's former workplace know me, where I work and that I'm married to WW. Today I spoke with a photographer over there about coming by my workplace to take some photos. During the conversation he asked me how my commute was. I was a little baffled and asked 'what commute?' He asked if I'd been making a lot of trips to and from Lost Wages, CA, where WW moved to. I said 'No' and there was a bit of an awkward silence. I didn't really know what to say, but mentioned that she had gone there on her own. There was more awkward silence and then he said he was sorry to hear that. I didn't bring up the issue of the OM coworker.

I really hate to make people feel uncomfortable, but at the same time I don't want to give them the wrong impression. Is it just impossible to balance these goals?

Well, some people might answer with you can't make people feel one way or another, so...

Anyway, yeah I think when the news is less than pleasant, these two goals are mutually exclusive.

Why do you think it makes people feel uncomfortable? Why does that bother you?

You can ignore those questions if you want. I'm only asking cause you have mentioned that you struggle with conflict avoidance. Answering the above questions may help you with that.

I should've remembered this, as it's something I've learned all too well since D-Day. You're correct that I cannot control someone's reaction.

On the two occasions where the topic has come up, it seems very obvious to me that the people feel uncomfortable because they immediately clam up.

I don't mind 'laying on the couch,' so to speak. Even WW would admit that I am a very self-reflective person (too much so?). I have always been a people-pleaser and do not like for other people to be unhappy. I recognize now that this has resulted in suppressing my own wants in order to defer to others. I wouldn't use the word 'struggle' anymore, though, as "this experience has changed me greatly" and I'm not too afraid of being honest.

I personally felt fine about the first time an acquaintance asked me (at a pre-Thanksgiving dinner), even though I could tell he didn't know what to say and his girlfriend upbraided him for asking me. But this time I felt very uncomfortable after the phone conversation ended. I think it's because this person worked with WW and OM but didn't know what was going on and had a misleading story from WW on why she left. I kind of want the truth to be out there, but worry that sharing that information is vindictive. Or would revealing that fall under the rubric of not shielding anyone from the consequences of the A?

I understand. My question was just for you to make a couple mental checks of things. If you feel it bothers you to express things that make other people unhappy because then they won't like you, its a dangerous path. Second, sometimes its good to check out with people whether what your assuming they are feeling is accurate. I've had to ask many people "Sorry, does this topic make you uncomfortable?"


Glad to hear that.


IMHO, the litmus test is are you doing it to be vindictive or not? Only you would know that, right? From what you've said, I don't think you are.

I currently make $30K/year working for a nonprofit arts organization. The reason I came back to this topic is because I anticipate I will be getting a raise in 2008 and be making $33K/year. This is actually not much less than WW's new salary ($36K?). She took a huge pay cut for her new job and it's located in an area that has an even higher cost of living.

Despite WW's insistence on moving her cell number to a different service provider due to poor coverage in her new city/county, she hasn't, and is still with our longtime provider. So I'm still able to see all the calls and text messages she sends and receives. There haven't been any of real interest during the last two months, mainly her family members and BFF. But on Friday afternoon she called a handful of marriage & family counselors in a city near hers. I find this very interesting (especially considering how opposed she was to counseling right after D-Day), but don't want to read too much into it. I'm wondering if any of her "support" group has encouraged her to do this. Does any one have any insight they'd like to share?

I'm not a big fan of speculation, but it can't be bad that she's looking in2 marriage and family counseling. Can it?

Worse case scenario, it's because she wants 2 start a family with someone else. But if there's no indication that she's seeing an OM, then it must be 2 address her present si2ation?

As for time, it could still take a long time for her 2 de-fog, if she needs defogging.

-ol' 2long

Also, she may have decided not 2 change phone providers as a means of showing you that she's making positive steps - going around your plan B in a way.

If that's the case, might the calls 2 counselors be a smokescreen?

That's the pessimist in me talking.

-ol' 2long

Optimist view: It has occurred to her that she's lonely and did something wrong in her marriage. She realizes that she needs help and is thinking about coming home.

Pessimist view: She needs help figuring out how to go about breaking it off completely.

I tend to lean toward optimist, because it didn't seem to rough for her to leave, so why would the next step seem so hard? I mean, if she has already moved out and away, why would a complete divorce be so hard for her?

Just speculating, too. I'm sure you've been kicking this around a bunch, B-Guy.

I have no real ideas. If I come up with something really really good, I will let you know.

SB