I am currently in Plan A but I have alot of concerns.

My wife asked me for a seperation after 4 years of marriage and 8 years together. I have not been myself for many years now and accept that I have not put forth the effort in the marriage. What I am willing to do now is what anyone here will do, anything to save the marriage with whom kthey love.

She asked me for a seperation a few weeks ago. Since then she had told me of another man that she has "strong feelings" for, a co-worker. She has seen him on several occasions, I even broke into her myspace account and read the letters to him and the plans that they made together to see each other. When confronted, she lied to me but I told her how I found out and she expressed sorrow for lying to me.

Now... She wants certain things to happen:
1. she still wants a seperation to "Think about things" alone. she plans on getting an appartment by herself.

2. She is having a very hard time cutting the co-worker from the picture. She doesn't go see him outside of work but has attampted to see him. She also wrote the letter to him and showed me the letter which is written as a temporary solution to thier relationship together. I could not accept the letter and she has not written another one stating a permanent end.

3. I have set a date in which I will leave the area and live in another state with 2 of the children while she has the 3rd child with her. She wants me to stay in the area because she says that will help our marriage and get us back together. I know I must go if she seperates from me because she cannot see other people while I am the only one working on the marriage, thats not fair!

4. I have told her family members what the problem is and they are supporting her that she is making the decision to leave me because our marriage has failed. she tells me that I am making progress "too little, too late". She is mad at me for the destruction of her relationship with her brother who is very upset that she has done this. She still wants to see this co-worker and says it is different because of the strong feelings she has for him.

I am not giving up, I love her. I don't know if I am doing right or wrong.

By the way, do i confron't the co-worker? Talking to him w/o a violent outcome.

I would talk to the coworker and tell HR that you don't want him near your WW. I would also have your wife look for another job. Your situation will NEVER improve as long as OM and your WW work together.

I am searching for the way to talk with her boss, wife is the one who answeres the phone at the office. I am also trying to get the guys phone number. Tells my wife he is "afraid" of me, and I know why. I just want to talk with him because I am sure we are both getting lied to.

and... she is unwilling to change jobs, I already tried. I feel weak and out of control, this is hard but I am listening and trying.

Grow a set and flat out tell her boss to keep him away from her.

She wants "space" so she can conduct her affair while you babysit the kids. The only thing she wants to think about is the other man!


Why would you do this? Why would you split the kids. If she wants to go she goes and you keep the kids.

Is the OM married? If he is you must contact his wife immediately.

Expose to his wife, his family, their work and anyone who will help you.

Don't let her have a dime to support her affair.


Then you have a lot of work to do.

Read everything here about Plan A and how to avoid Love Busters. Consider making an appointment with the Harley's NOW. Get the book Surviving an Affair now. You need a real plan to save your marriage but first...

You my stop the affair. Expose right now.

Why would you do this? Why would you split the kids. If she wants to go she goes and you keep the kids.

She wants her child from our marriage, the other 2 are from my first failed marriage.

Is the OM married? If he is you must contact his wife immediately.

This sucks, the OM is one of the roomates of her "best Friend" who is a female with 2 male roomates. Her "best friend" works with her and OM. Wife has not seen OM outside of work for a few weeks now (as she has been at home all this time). Hasn't seen him since I confronted her with the e-mail that I found to OM by wife.

She agreed to write the letter to the OM, but has not done it yet.

She wanted to seperate until I told her I will not wait that I am moving out of state if she decides to move out. I told her that I wont wait for her, I am moving on if she does this. Now she is unsure what to do, I am not giving up but it's hard.

We are going to marriage counsiler tonight, we have seen him for about 4 months now. This is the first time I am going to tell him about OM. I just found out, she was telling me for months that it was her and not me, etc. for the reason that she wanted to leave.

She tells me still:
1: It's not the OM
2: She just wants time to herself to "Think"

(I didn't give in to this one)

I have really made changes in the last few months that I knew had to be made. I have shown that I am willing to try and have actually done it. Now I get "it's too late" that I should have been this way 2 years ago. How do I respond to that?

You respond that she needs to have NC w/ OM (including leaving her job) or you will be forced to take steps to defend your family. Don't tell her what it means, but it means exposure to her family and her workplace, separation of finances, constant snooping, etc. Get over your fear of her reaction. Taking no action is far more riskier than taking action. Trust us, we've all been through the same thing. I exposed and did everything I could to break up OM and my WW, and I am happily married now.

I will confront her with that tonight, she will write the letter and have no contact with OM and if she doesn't I will go forward with exposure.

I also failed to mention 2 things, I am 35 she is 25. Not sure if that really makes a difference. Being a cop for 8 years has made me a different person, I quit my job to save marriage and family. Now jobless looking for new career but a much better person.

I spoke with a family friend today. He was getting lied to by my wife too. I told the family friend about the plans Wife had to stay with OM for a weekend and the plans she made to be with OM. (I read plans on her MYSPACE account that I broke into from reading advice from this site) I told him everything, I hate that she will be mad at me when she gets home but I am doing this.

Wife called me from work today, I told her she needed to write the letter to OM TONIGHT. Wife agreed to write the letter tonight, we'll see how this goes. next step is seperation, does she really want to see OM or does she want to be with her family and Husband?

I told her last night that I refuse to wait for her while she seperates from me and family, I will move on and can't promise a "safety net" if she wants to return to me. I told her that I will move on as if not married anymore. She really didn't like that, she was upset that I won't wait for her.

By the way...

We have always had a great sex life together (at least 4-5 times a week consistantly for 8 years) At what point do we stop having sex? Should I continue now? She really wants to be intimate with me, it's been 4 days now since our last intimate encounter.

Is she sleeping w/ OM? If so, then sex should stop. If not, keep meeting her need for sexual fulfillment.

Take a copy of those plans and give them to her HR department. Things will not get better until there is NC between the two of them. Go about that by any (legal) means necessary.

Also, if you know who OM is, find his family and expose to them. If he came from a good moral upbringing, his family might forbid him to see your WW anymore.

She say's she hasn't, I don't know if that is true. There is no evidence that anything has happened, and she has lied to me throughout this process. I really don't know, but I believe she did.

Erinn,

The answer is if you want to be intimate with her, do so. It is obviously a need for both of you, and meeting needs is part of plan A. If you suspect she has been intimate with OM, then you both need to be tested for STD's. No sense in being foolish.

Please read up on plan A, and learn how to develop a plan for recovery. Most of the information you need is on this site, and the rest is in Harley's book, Surviving an Affair.

God Bless,

JL

She wrote the letter to OM and promised no contact with OM. I will see how this goes, now I got alot more reading to do for whats next.

She was sad and upset, I want to comfort her but my feelings are hurt too.

Wife says she gave OM letter for No Contact, how do I know?

The letter for NC is meaningless as long as she still works with the OM. Push for her to get another job, and if she doesn't start enforcing your boundaries.