Well...

She seems very sad that the letter was given to OM. I guess I have to deal with that, she seems honest and I can tell that she is upset about it. Sucks for me though, I hate the guy. Anyone who would do that to a married woman with children deserves to go to ******.

I repeat what I said again. She may have delivered the letter, but as long as she works with him, they will strike up the relationship again. She doesn't want to leave her job because she is still clinging on to the thought of getting back together w/ OM. You need to get her out of there.

Is it OK to have her work there if we have no choice? I am trying to get in contact with HR so they can tell him NC with wife. She refused to get another job, she is looking at promotion soon.

She has told the people she works with that she was getting a seperation, now she want's to work it out but she wont let me go into her workplace. I know this has to do with OM (who is only there 2 hours in morning and 1-2 hours in the evening) I am seriously trying to do this but can't get what needs to be done.

I will reiterate what Jim is trying to tell you...

There will be NO CHANCE OF RECOVERY WHILE THEY WORK TOGETHER. PERIOD!

They MUST BE SEPERATED OR YOUR MARRIAGE WILL NOT SURVIVE.

There are no short cuts for half way measures here that will work. Total NO CONTACT must be achieved or you will be living with the threat of an on againg / off again affair.

Stay Strong!

No!

Go to the General Questions Board to post your story and call out chrisner. He was a BH who got his WW to agree to NC. His WW and OM worked for the same company, but in different offices. He didn't see to it that she left the company, and low and behold, two months after she agreed to NC, she ran into OM at a meeting, and she moved out the next week. Chrisner and his WW (who he affectionately refers to as "Wayzilla") are now divorced. NeverStopTrying is another person I can remember helping who didn't contact HR or force the issue, and now he is divorced. Allowing her to continue at her current employer is just signing the death certificate on your marriage.

So I called HR and told them what was going on. Hr wanted to talk with wife so I called her at work and told her to call HR about the situation. She was furious! I'll let you know what else occurs later today. I hope she can understand and I hope she comes back to me, I am really affraid right now.

I know the next step is for her to quit work, I am working on that.

WW OR OM. It doesn't matter which one leaves as long as one of them does.

Be prepared for tital wave of Vitrol that WW will be sending your way. She will likely be more vicious then you have ever seen her. She will start spouting things like "I was going to give you a chance but now you've blown it!". This and many statements like this are SOP for Waywards. Expect this and prepare for this tonight.

Remember this during WW's rant. Your marriage can survive your WW's temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair.

Now that you've exposed at work... right now would be a good time to expose / reexpose to EVERYONE whom has influence on her. Exposure is you greatest weapon against an affair. Affairs are based on lies, deceit, secrecy & fantasy. Your exposure has shown everybody around what an affair really is: ugly, disrespectful, and deceiptful.

Prepare yourself for tonights fireworks, it will be rough but it IS necessary. Your first order of business is to kill the affair, THEN you can worry about marital reconcilliation.

Stay Strong!

There is always a choice. Its just a matter of what your wife gives the most importance too. Her trying to continue working there because of a promotion says that her career is more important to her than fixing your marriage.

Personally, I probably would have told her that before dropping the bomb to HR to give her the chance to leave her job with a good reference, at least. But leave her job she must. And if it takes you notifying HR, then so be it. It isn't your actions that jeopardized her career, so don't accept any attempt by her to tell you how you screwed up her career.

Good luck

She is going to be pissed for a week or two and will try and hurt you with her words. Be ready for it, but don't get drawn into it. Just lay low for a while. The only thing I would say is that you were just the messenger, it was she that put her career in jeopardy by getting involved w/ OM.

I'm drunk now... she didn't come home, is at her mothers house. She's really mad at me, I can't deal with it. I have tried to do everything you all have said, it hurts me. I know that I love her but I feel soooooo lost, I don't want to lose her. I am listening to you, I hurt

Jim,

I thought I heard my name.


Pretty close. It was 21 days after her agreement to no contact but she refused to quit outright and dragged her feet on finding a new job. I was desperate and obviously her lack of urgency was just another red flag in my face. I had exposed to the OMW to her work (everyone there already knew. OMW and I were the last to know), and to her corporate headquarters. But they still worked together.

There was a meeting that included OM on the 22nd day. When she got home that night she was all fog talk again and I knew the NC clock had restarted. That was a Thursday night. That weekend, although I did not see it at the time she started to sneak and gather belongings she wanted to take with her. She left the following Tuesday to her mother’s home with the standard “I need time and space to find myself.”

Two weeks later she filed for divorce in the notorious Colorado No Fault Rubber Stamp “Everyone should just be happy” justice system. Four months later I was divorced and $250,000 poorer.

Wayzilla and Gollum are still together and she has more or less traded her own 19-year old daughter for his 2-year old son.

No Contact must be No Contact for life.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to pull it together. It is going to suck for a while, but you can get through this. I know, I've been exactly where you are. You need to stay calm and strong because projecting neediness and losing hope will only hurt your chances (i.e. now is not a time for getting drunk). Call up a friend and family member and have them help you through this.

Erinn:

How are you doing this morning?

She was furious about The HR thing. She told me that they could't do nothing about it but her boss spoke with her and OM and told them NC. I am projecting neediness, I feel it and am not acting like a man i know. You are right, I need to pull this together. I am getting old job back which will help for her to find another job in the near future, I have no choice but to lat her work there right now.

Her mother is upset with me as well b/c I contacted HR and caused problems with work. Thats not right, and I have a question (or a couple):

1: she read this forum and was mad b/c she says I am not telling the "whole" truth. That It is not that serious between her and OM and I am just listening to strangers tell me how to handle my marriage. Why is she sooo mad at me for trying to put together marriage?

2: I exposed this to everyone, all of her friends, family, workplace, etc. She said to me last night that she is trying to make this work but I am making it too difficult. She said she is trying to give me another chance. Then I said "I am the one who is giving you the second chance." I think that may have told her that she is no longer in control of me. Was that the right thing to do?

Thank you all very much for the help, I was drunk other night, didn't deal with this thr right way i know. I am starting to feel sad. I am starting to get confused about this marriage. I don't know if she will love me again, I don't know if she will move forward with us.

She is still talking to her "Best friend" who lives with OM and I don't know what they talk about. I did hear the friend tell wife to go out of ear shot of me last night. wife told me that it was nothing, just talked about me.

I don't know if I even want this to continue, I am confident that I will have no problem finding another woman to be with, I've had many chances to commit adultry but I didn't. I have had many women want to be with me but I have been faithful. Now I feel that it bit me in the [censored], maybe I should have done it. I don't know what to do.

continued at forum "In Recovery"