My wife sat me down and asked me if i would mind if she took a vacation almost 1,500 miles away to meet someone she meet online. She also talks to him on the phone when im not there. Im terrified im loosing her to someone else, he has even offered to fund the entire trip for her. I told her how unconfortable i am with the idea, i just dont know what i can do. We've been going through a really hard time, shes told me that she loves me but she doesnt feel like shes inlove with me anymore.. Im so lost

I suppose "he's just a friend" too.

Textbook affair.

Emotional affair for now...that they HOPE to test out and take physical by meeting up. Most try to do it behind your back but your wife is taking the straight up manipulation approach. Guess she thought being "honest" was the best way to get you to agree with her hooking up with OM. How else do you explain a cross country trip that ANOTHER GUY is going to pay for.

Sorry guy.



Digits,

Welcome to marriage builders.

We are here to help you.

DO NOT AGREE to your wife taking this trip.

Resist it with everything you've got...but be smart about it and discuss it here. Don't go flying off the handle.

Don't bring your wife here to read. She's NOT trustworthy right now and you need independent experienced third parties to keep you sane.

Any kids???

No specifics are necessary but what states are we talking about???

Mr. Wondering

Hi,

sorry to hear about this. Do you have kids? How long have you been married? This looks liek your first post so i think you need to give a bit more information to get some good advise.

First thing i would say is heck no! Why would a married woman be ...
meeting another man online
talking to another man ont he phone when her husband is not around
and wanting to "go on vacation to see him" without her husband?!?!?!

Did she ask your permission???? or just tell you she's going...
something aint right here at all!

...oh... does he know she's married???

We have been married this july this year and we have 2 daughters but we've been together for 4 years. He lives in OK we live in NY. She tells me she wants to be spontanious(sp? sorry). Yes he knows shes married, and i have talked to him and hes told me that he went through a cheating marriage and wouldnt want to do it to another man but why continue talking to her then!?

She is having an affair.

Of course he would, he is having an affair with your wife. He just thinks you are dumb enough to buy that.


"Spontaneously" BAD? What if she gets an urge to axe murder someone? Does she insist on carrying it out so she can be "spontaneous?"

Are you saying you were married a year in July? And you lived together before then for 3 years?

had she said i want to be spontainious and go to atlantic city with some girlsfriends... that's one thing. Going to meet this guy is another!

And the other's are right Digits....sorry to say. your wife is already in an affair with this guy. He's chumping you up too.

A quote from When Harry Met Sally.... guys can never be freinds with girls..sex is always in the way.

Don't let her go on this trip. I'm sure you will get much better help from other than me, but i woudl go as far as to tell her is she goes, you and the kids won't be there when she comes back.

Is your computer history safe??

Does your wife know you are here seeking assistance??

Keep posting on this board. It is the busiest. However, you should read through the thread titled "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" on the Infidelity - Just Found Out board. It contains a lot of things you should be doing and thinking about over the next few days...weeks.

I know WW's can be convincing. It is SOOO confusing. They TRY to trick you into agreeing to the most ludicrous agreements with all sorts of promises and whatnot. It's ALL a game to them. Manipulation. Honestly...your wife is currently a full blown crack addict. OM is the drug. She's been using him on-line for weeks and months and the payoff just isn't enough anymore SOOOOOOO what's an addict to do. She MUST (and in her mind there is no longer a choice...she literally MUST) meet up with OM to get a better fix of him.

You MAY be able to stop her. You may NOT be able to stop her. You can't physically restrain her but you CAN cut her off financially and other sorts of things we can discuss.

EXPOSURE is your likely first recourse but DON'T threaten it.

Keep reading.

Again...so sorry to meet you this way. You will make it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - DON'T accuse her of having an affair. She KNOWS it and now YOU know it. She'll just deny, deny and deny it anyway. Nobody and I mean NOBODY tells their husband:

"I love you but I'm not in love with you and by the way...I am flying 1500 miles away to visit my internet "friend" for a little vacation but don't worry...he's paying for it."

Has this guy already been to NY for a visit???

This OK trip is a bold, in your face move and if OM's got the money to pay for it...it's likely he's ALREADY been to NY. Maybe more than once.

Time to get your snoop on.

SNOOP DOG - SPYING 101

MR. W

btw...

ironically...my now Former Wayward Wife's OM was divorced and the victim of his own wife's infidelity.

I think it's quite common for a broken man to lash out and TAKE/pursue someone elses wife. It's a kind of machoman type of reclaiming of the manhood that the previous OM seemingly took from them months and years before plus a sense of entitlement (it's their turn to get what they want...how dare MY happiness be denied).

Besides...they are damaged men (unless they actively seek to recover themselves) and thus VERY attractive "emotional" psuedo-men just perfect for victimizing unavailable married woman.

If he's anything like our OM he's liking begging her to "work on her marriage" & "I don't think this is a good idea" while talking out the other side of his mouth (or with his other head) offering to PAY for a trip so they can talk and just look into each others eyes.

It's quite sickening.

Mr. Wondering

I'm in IT and we regulary get calls for snooping techniques, tools, and software. We've tested al LOT of different ways.... this little guy does wonders...

http://www.snoopstick.com

haven't come across any anti-virus, anti-spyware, or anti-hack software that can catch it yet...

( and I need to employ one on my wife's laptop as soon as I get my hands on it again)

Digits,

Yup, she is having an affair. There is no reason for stranger to pay for YOUR wife to travel to see him. There is no reason for her to go spend vacation time to see him.

Have you considered filing for separation when she leaves and getting custody of the kids?? Think about it.

You have only been married a short time and she is off seeing other men. You two had children before you were married, why is that? Did she not want to get married or was it you that did not want to get married?

There are many tools on this site to save a marriage, but given what she has told you and done, my guess she has little respect for you and will do what she wants no matter what you say, OR what is right.

I would suggest seeing a lawyer tomorrow. I would suggest reading Harley's articles here about love busters and the 4 rules of a good marriage. You need to know what you contributed this, but you also need to protect yourself and your children from her as she has this affair.

When is the "trip" going to take place?

Oh, and I agree with the others, this man is a liar, pure and simple.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Get a key logger to put on your computer so that you know what is going on, and consider hiring a PI where her "friend" is to see what is going on.

People i dont have that kinda money, and we've been married almost 3 months. we had kids n choose not to get married until after the 2nd due to most people get married when they first find out there having a baby and we didnt want it yet. And i cant aford a divorce/seperation.
I looked at her phone last nite and at ealierest she would try to go this saturday. She blames most of this on me cause ive never been able to open up to her and now that ive been trying she doesnt know how to take it, she says "its just not me"

Let her know that while you cannot physically stop her from going ...that if she chooses to leave..she should stay gone and not expect to take the kids from their home. Also, let her know that you will be contacting a lawyer the moment that she leaves the house...do not sit back and allow this to happen without a stern response...she is showing you NO respect and it should not be tolerated.
Let the OM know (if you speak to him again) that if he comes near your family HE will have repercussions that will impact the rest of his life. Say no more than that.

Okay...your wife wants to be spontaneous and have another man pay to have her come from her home to his state to have relations with him. Hmmm...it sounds like a .....what's the word....on the tip of my tongue....prostitute. Demand respect.

things i dont get r he works ungodly ammount of hoursi mean like 16+ a day he drives a Rig and shes a very needy person, she needs someone thats around and theres no way that could happen with them. I came home from work ****** i didnt make it into the parking lot cause my nervs are so shot and i came home and she comforted me and i told her i dont want her going, that it isnt right, and its basicly the same damn thing her father did to her family. walkin in and out on them. its not fair to our kids. we just held each other and im sure we'll talk about it later.

she held you...that's encouraging.

Tonight when you "talk"

What your basic goal is:

1. NO CONTACT with OM
2. A NO CONTACT letter written by her and mailed/emailed by you to OM. (Form No Contact letters are available in this forum...just ask)

Then..to insure NC...consider

1. Changing your phone numbers
2. Deleting email accounts and messenger accounts
3. Turn off internet access
4. Turn off phones

As far as other goals...there are not any. You can't really work on your marriage today. You've got to get OM out first. Avoid the desire to educate and fix it all in one evening. Your much better off to just listen to her and listen some more. Remember...she's a drug addict (OM is her addiction) so much of what she says won't make sense. We call that fog babble here. Don't argue with her because it's natural and she is not thinking clear enough to understand right now.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - An affair with this guy is completely impractible. 1500 miles away and you've got small children. Custody laws would prohibit her from removing them from the state without your consent ...so unless she abandons them...how is a relationship with OM supposed to work anyway??? You may get some "fine...I'm stuck with you" and "I'll never love you's". Just endure...say "that's fine for now".

Patience

Do you know his name and home town? I would get his home phone # and call his house to see if he has a wife.

On the other hand,

The hug and seeming affection might have been a ploy. Over the next few hours she's got an opportunity to rethink her strategy and figure out a way to manipulate you into letting her go.

Imagine an addict that will do anything to get their fix.

She, too...will run the gambit. Starting out nice and playful...maybe even trying to use sex to get your consent...then it will turn ugly.

You don't have to explain the WHY she can't go that much. A simple "no"...will typically suffice or "I will never agree".

Hopefully you'll be able to stop her. For her sake, yours and those kids. But remain calm. You can not physically stop her and if you try you could find yourself on the wrong end of a restraining order. You'll then be OUT of the family home trying to fight your way...uphill...back in.

I did want to mention...NEVER move out (don't even leave your bedroom). If she wants to move or go...she goes. Kids and everything else stays. Again...hope it don't come to that.

Mr. Wondering

Dude...the advice you're getting (as always) is right on the money.

My wife did pretty much the exact same thing. Met someone online playing an MMORPG that the both of us met. Fell in love...whatever. Even had started trying to convince me to meet with him at some point in the near future (at the time). Finally caught her trying to close her IM session with him so I couldn't see it, that was when I KNEW that something was way wrong.

When I confronted her, she was all set to move out and live with him, even though they'd never met in person.

Get spyware installed on her compter...RIGHT NOW.

Absolutely let her know that you are NOT comfortable with her going there...and that if she goes, you will NOT accept her back...EVER.

Make sure she understands that you will not only see this as the end of your marriage, but of your FRIENDSHIP with her as well. That if she goes, you'll never be part of her life in ANY fashion again.

Make it clear that you'll fight for custody of the kids, etc...that you will NOT peacefully divorce her if she walks out on you like this without giving you any chance to reconcile.

Cut off your internet. No more conversations that way for her.

Cut off her cell phone if she uses it to communicate with him.

Make it clear...if she goes, its on her own forever.

My wife faced that same choice...she ended up staying. We're now over three years into recovery and doing fine. As a matter of fact...tomorrow is our 20th anniversary.

You CAN make it through this...be STRONG.

Editted to add:

EXPOSE the affair to all of her family, you family, friends, etc... Get whatever info you can on OM...and expose to anyone that would pressure him to end the affair as well. If this was through an MMORPG...go on and tell her friends online what's going on, and ask them to help you save your marriage.

Well, yesterday he (guessing thats the OM) called me and asked me to log into his accounts and remove us from his lists, he said he understood what i was saying and hes got enuff BS to deal with anyways.. he told me what she was doing just didnt seem right. Regardless im not just gonna let my guard down. I have had spyware active on this computer for awhile thats how i found out.. i took her phone and got his # and called him first but needless to say my wife says it was just nice to have someone to talk too and i admitt i havnt been able to open up till all this went down.
I didnt remove anyone from his lists but he did log on and remove us both. The same nite she sent him a small but simple email saying good-bye which was logged <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> but there was no i love yous and anything just ill never forget you.
She's been like a deer in head lights most of today, its weird.. i just hope she comes back around to me. I do love her, even if all would of collapsed i would still love her! I'd just be broken..
Im not sure whether this is one persons fault or not, but i do feel part to blame for everything.. things gotta change not just for Her and I.. but our children!

Thank you all for helping, any advice is greatly appreactiated.. now i just need to know how to control my fear that this isnt just a scam to get me off there backs!