I'm asking... why does "I love you, but that's just not enough anymore." happen???

I found what I thought to be a loophole in the restaining order, and by admitting that I'm sure I can go to jail right now. hopefully I'm safe from that though, and I will not be making the same type of bold moves again.

In this loophole however, I asked her, Do you love me? She said I've always loved you and i will always love you. it's just not enough anymore.

She has said that to me before, but it was always face to face, so I didn't really think about it much. I just thought she was having another one of her rants.

Well tonight, as vulerable as I feel. I started thinking about that. I asked myself, does she love me? I answered, yes, I'm pretty sure she does. She does after all, take care of me for the most part. Supports me when I'm between contract jobs, has her way of supporting... but she does support me. Until the vicious cycle starts again, she does my laundry, cooks for me, and lets me hold the remote most nights. Yes, in her way, she loves me.

But...

That is not enough anymore. Why? I asked myself, Do I love her? yes, I love her. I married her, I have eyes for only her. I desire no toher woman but her. When I have news, I want to share it with her. When I'm confused I seek her opinion and guidance. Oh those green eyes melt me... That's right!!! She has green eyes! Oh how I can't believe I almost forgot that she has green eyes! Those eye got me so many years ago.... those eyes told my heart of heart she was mine till my death. how could I have forgotten those eyes??!!

Simple.

I stopped looking. I stopped looking with my heart long before I stopped looking with my eyes. We grew distant and became room mates with benifits, how ever rare those benifits were. Her nagging and complaining and bitter demeanor towards me wore me down and I just stopped looking into those eyes.

I was a negative man when we met and it made me sick how she alwasy found the smallest part of good in everyone. I can't remember where I saw it, read it, or heard it, but somewhere...someone said the power of negative sadly outwieghs positive. Negative is easy, positive takes work.

I thinki brought her down to my level so to speak, and now she's angry because of me. Who I am, well...who I was anyway. Part of this is knwoing what I am and not taking the easy way ...becoming a positive person again. ALOT of my bitterness comes from years before I knew her. I went out of my way to amke sure my freinds got home safe on a motorcycle trip. Then it was my turn to get home...I never made it. Days (I think...maybe months?) late I woke up in a hospital bed and told I was lucky to even be alive. I won't go into everything I broke or the pain of learning how to do certain things again. But I'll say this, before I was hit I was one of the most carefree guys you ever met. Funny how some random 18 year old girl with a car full of her girlfreinds not paying attention to the road and running your butt over while you are on your motorcycle changes your life... I got SO TIRED of hearing "You're lucky to be alive" when with all the pain I had I just wanted to die. Sometimes I wish I hadn't made it that night.

But then those eyes... oh those devilish green eyes... how they melt me. I've never felt so good in my entire life. Nothing compares to those eyes except for the moment when I delivered my son into this world, only that moment tops.

She loves me, but love isn't enough anymore. It's my fault. She never had a chance to really get in. I was too angry at the world, and she was part of that world. I don't even have good relations with my family. My sister has to twist my arm and guilt me to going to family cookouts and reunions. Some of my fights with my wife are "You don't even like your family so why do we need to go there?" When it was just me... I went, stayed for maybe 10 to 30 minutes...and left. Most of the time not even saying goodbye. Does she hate them too? Or does she hate seeing me like that when I leave?

I don't ride anymore. Though I miss it very very much. every spring whent he bikes come out she sees it in my eyes. She used to hold my hand inthe car as we drove down the road and a bike would pass, as if to say "I know it hurts, but I'm here for you." I miss her touch, not just now, I've missed it for a long time.

She loves me but it's not enough anymore. She tried to be strong for us both, but my negativeness overpowered her. She stooped looking at us, like I stopped looking into her eyes.

It takes two, I know. And I'm certtainly not trying to defend her recent actions....

I'm rambleing actually. Wanting to talk to someone, and no one around to talk to. I just laughed out loud.... how funny is that?? All along I've had my wife to talk to and pretty much ignored her to avoid the fights... now she's not here and I'm looking for someone to talk to.

So tell me... Why does "I love you, it's just not enough anymore." happen?

Dear TOMK,

You ask, "Why does "I love you, but that's just not enough anymore." happen???

In previous posts you have written that your wife "pay[s] all the bills and support[s] the family," and here you write that she also "does after all, take care of me for the most part. Supports me when I'm between contract jobs...she does my laundry, cooks for me..." So, she does the lion's share of physical and economic labor in the home? How much have you valued her support and care?

Her correspondence to you genuinely reads like a woman who believes she has been betrayed. The correspondence she has sent could all have been written by any BS here. Her conduct is as though she felt truly physically and emotionally threatened, but unsure of how to proceed (hence wanting to recant the RO). This is fairly typical in the spectre of physical and emotional abuse -- practically textbook. Threatened spouses are afraid both of reporting and not reporting -- they are making choiceless choices in this regard.

In short, there is nothing remotely unusual or extraordinary about her behavior, for a woman who thinks and feels she has been abused and betrayed.

And about that time ... Well, it's not enough to love.

The Harleys' books are really marvelous on these topics. Have you read any of them?

sweet,
I've had to read and reread your post to make sense of what you are saying and I still don't think I follow it. But I will try.

Yes, I'm a typical man who, when working, comes home (after picking up my son from daycare and making him dinner) plops down on the couch or the floor and vegges..or in most cases plays with my son and neglects the house.

BUT... when I was not working and I was a SAHD I took care of it all. That is not to say that once I start ed working again I let it all go. My wife cooks a better meal than i do. She doesn't liek the way I do laundry so I do mine and my son's. But she doeson't want me doing his either... i do it wrong. So... laundry is hers, dinner is hers. When it's my turn, we go out to dinner. I try to grill, but again...my wife is the grill master...man can she grill! I really think she enjoys it....

I vaccum when it needs it, just as she does, and we have to fight over who does diapers and bath... so i would thinkt hat for the most part, the house chores are 50-50. maybe 60-40 leaning towards her.

3 times a week (not lately though) after the boy is in bed, I would try to get her to sit with me onthe couch instead of her int he chair and me ont he couch and i would rub her back.... obviously that all stopped.

She's in bed by 8 or 9. I cna't sleep if i have compute troubleshooting going on at work. i will ...after she's in bed, get online and if I have remote access try to fix it, if I do[nt have remote access I research the problema nd find possible fixes to try int he morning. This is where my wife thinks I'm up all night with an online girlfriend. never happen, no interest, not time if I was..... granted I see her POV that after she's in bed i have all the time in the world...

somethign else I'm going to change if (hopefully when) I get back inthe house is to to go bed with my wife...regardless of what time it is. She won't let me rub her back anymore ont he couch, so maybe i can in bed. Ever since the baby, she's got mommy ears now so wakes up as soon as I walk intothe room anyway...and then is super pissed I woke her. Another reason we fight. i don[t mean to wake her...it just happens. no matter how quiet i try to be.

So... rule #1 is to go to bed with her. If nothing else...THAT will be our alone time together...the moments in bed before we fall alseep.

I'm certain my staying up while she goes to bed is where the online girlfrieind comes from. Thoguh i can accoutn for all my time working during off hours or showing her the history of my internet stuff...all research. I guess I would feel the same way as she does if I were in her shoes. but the fact reamins I did not cheat, never crossed my mind, and will not. I'm truly hopeful that when she sees my test results she will beleive me.

I on the other hand and still tying to figure out houw she got this STD. I knwo she loves her job and just like me, she puts her all into it. It shows after all by her large bonus checks every 6 months. But that fact remains as well.... we live 6.5 miles from home, she can connect to work remotely yet still leaves at 4am...home 6-6:30. Why?

Actually... straight from her mouth, the last 2 weeks she's been a 8-5 employee...amazingly.


So... she can do 8-5 int he office. I can concede that I need to do my reaserch during my business hours and join my wife in bed when she retires for the evening... I think that alone (for us) is a huge step in the right direction.

would you agree? If not or even if so, please explain. I so need to learn what it is I'm not doing right!

sorry for all the typos lately.

8-5 for a pregnant woman who is caring for a young child strikes me as a huge amount of work, personally. No doubt, she is cutting back to reduce the amount of time your son spends away from a parent. It's amazing that she can do that much, as upset as she seems to be.

You've had a great deal of information about dormant chlamydia, and you reported earlier that you had taken antibiotics that might have (happily) cleared up anything you might have had. Consequently, your negative test results will be meaningless to your wife, and blaming her for infidelity will drive you further apart unless you really have evidence of an OM (... do you?) ...then, the STD issue is pretty much dead in the water, and from her POV you certainly do look like the guilty party.

You've maintained a clandestine relationship of some sort with your now-separated ex-wife, and have not been forthright with your current wife about it. You have long hours alone online. She has been diagnosed with an STD that threatens her health and the health of your child. In what kind of relationship math does this adds up to her being wrong-minded?

The only information any of us has about this comes from YOU, and all of the information you have supplied makes it seem as if you are a possibly abusive spouse, who has gotten by for years being supported by the physical and economic labors of his wife. (You certainly do seem interested enough in her bonus checks. How much of a meal-ticket to you is this woman?!?!)

I'm suggesting that you offer IN ADVANCE OF COURT to seek counseling for anger management -- that you GO to that counseling, and take it to heart --

-- that you read the Harleys books cover to cover, while you wait until your December court date --

-- that you do what you can to foster your own financial INdependence, and cultivate some housekeeping moxie as well, so that you aren't such a drain on the household -- (unless, as I suspect, this is part of a ploy on your part to defraud your pregnant wife of alimony/support?!?!) --

-- Make this offer to her to induce her to come back -- that you will install spyware on your computers for HER to access at will, even remotely, and also install GPS on your own car, so that she can see exactly what you are doing at all hours -- How would you feel about that?

Thinking,

You're angry at the wrong person tonight.

Please quit beating yourself up.

Your W has bigger problems than any man could satisfy IMO.

~ Marsh

Thinking,
I haven't read your entire posts, but when is love not enough? Ahhhh I'm wondering the same thing from my point of view.

When the other spouse doesn't participate in the M. The entire load is on the other spouse, bill paying, cleaning, cooking, laundry. I become defensive, put up my guard. I don't trust my H to do what he says, because he usually doesn't. He doesn't meet MY EN's. It gets OLD and tiring when you're the only one pulling the wagon and everyone else is enjoying the ride. Becomes a way of thinking why do I need the extra load in the wagon when I'm doing it by myself anyway?!

However in your defense, I too was particular about certain things and my H didn't do them that way, such as something as simple as folding the clothes. He didn't fold them the way I folded them. Not wrong just not my way. He made a comment one day if you want me to help, let me, don't make such a big deal over the little things. AHHHH duhhhhh stupid me. His way wasn't wrong just different. Your W needs to hear that too.

However as noted above, if there is abuse YOU probably are outta luck bud. Get some help.

I don't know if that helps you, I hope it does. If she still loves you and you still love her, maybe you do have a chance to work through this.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

...I guess you missed the part where SHE DRAINED ME of all my money...ALL OF IT...then that very same week had me arrested. I have hundreds of thousands of dollars sitting in the bank. I didin't work becuase we agreed it was the smart choice for me to stay home with the baby. Meal ticket?!?!!?!

Yeah she drained it then booted me...



I have done all this before, the GPS thing was a third party piece of software installed on my TomTom, Event_Logger and Tripmaster for those of you with TomToms)

Already done that... unless she is with me, by my side, she doesn't belive me..."someone else could have driven my car that day..." When I busted her withthe spysoftware i was a [censored] for needing to do that, so i did it to myself, ket her choose the password for it and let it run forever. I'm in IT, she thinks I have other programs to override it....

I can't win. But yes, i've offered. Even counseling. "I do not need to be in a marriage if I need to go to counseling to be in it happily" is her response....

mvg, no abuse in my marriage.
No physicall abuse, though SHE would smack me across the face from time to time. But I se you point very clearly.

Those smacks were probably just a wake up call she was trying to give me. Though she does need to say my way is different instead of my way is wrong...

The only abuse was the emotional needs deficit we BOTH had. I wasn't meeting hers fromt he smakc and the comments... I disengaged. And being disengaged stopped me from meeting hers.

We do love each other. I womnder if we will ever be "we" again.

mvg, I'll be usung your post as a mantra (spelling) thank you

One more thing sweet...
I don't think you read the entire story...

as for my financial independance... if you did read, you'll note that now that i'm out of the house, I don't hand over my paycheck into the household account. I've basically given myself a raise now that I keep my check.

So.. what was your point exactly? Other than to point fingers at me and try to make me believe I was the one cheating??

SSB...****EDIT******

The only one that needs anger management is the one that has committed a crime by abusing you TOMK...you beat yourself up too much. This is all her choice and her doing. She has been and IS having an affair...that is why this is happenening...she is a liar and a cheater and like all of them, she is trying to make YOU out to be the bad guy.

I find it almost amusing that SSB would be one crying abuse at someone else...She is a F?WS who didn't tell her husband who OM was...didn't feel he needed to know-said she felt this was to "protect" him...uh huh, riiiiight...Also decided what details of HER AFFAIR that her BS should know...If memory serves she also got pregnant by OM and aborted the child-I believe without OMs knowledge...So SHE is an abuser herself...How dare she call TOMK one...Gimme a break!

Mrs. W

That's physical abuse in my books, and shows a total lack of respect for you. Spouses should not go around smacking each other in the face. I think I've smacked only once across the face by my FWW, and that was years ago and I went out of my way to deserve that one (though I can't remember right now exactly what it was that I did).

Thinking, please remember I'm a newbie....tyring to learn and trusting MY instinct.

I wonder the same thing if "we" will be again. I don't think so..I need a NEW "us". WH's EA devestated my perception of him and of what I thought we had. This is where the learning is coming in...I can't hang my hat on HIM. I HAVE to learn how to love me, trust myself, and dig deep as to why I do/respond the way I do. I HAVE issues. So does HE. "WE" can get through this and I believe come out much better people and couple than we were before. We had/have a misguided notion of M. "WE" have to get thru to what an adult intimate life together is.

However, in saying all that,here's my take on MY situation and maybe you can take something from it while still remembering I AM IN A LEARNING STAGE. I'm not going to throw away my M without a fight of a lifetime, but my WH has to be in the trenches with me at some point. I'm waiting for the true awakening, the true "oh my gosh I can lose everything I hold dear" from him. I also have to take into account his actions. His actions are speaking volumes to me right now...I have to RECOGNIZE what improvements he is/has made, small and large. And he has improved. DoI want/need more from him YES!!!!! Can I enjoy what we DO have right now, I'm learning to..(thanks LA,Mark,Ace & others). Will this take time? YES! But only I can decide when that time is over.

Work on YOU. Meet her EN's. Don't LB (if possible and we ALL know it's hard and sometimes impossible). Enjoy what good you do have in your M. Try and reach out, just don't hold so hard that she can't breath. TRUST when there is reason to trust.

(((thoughts to you)))

It usually becomes "not enough" when the WS finds someone they "feel" can meet their needs better than the BS.

The fact she left for work at 4am is a huge red flag. Now she's not? Well... she doesn't have you there to watch DS while she's off doing lord knows what. Also, working 8-5 while being pregnant is not impossible, millions of women do it everyday. I'm not sure what that poster was trying to get at...

You say she has access to your cell phone log? Make sure you get copies of it for yourself. It can be used to show you aren't calling an OW. If I were you I'd be interested in HER cell phone log. If there is anyway you can legally get your hands on it you should. It might be very telling...

No. For the last 6 months i have not used my personal cell phone. She got very upset that I used my business phone instead. But SHE was the ONLY person to ever call me or the one I made calls to. Why bother carring 2 phones when she can just call me business cell? She finally canceled the service onthe phone and my son uses it as a toy. But for the longest time she was very upset I didn't use it anymore...and every night she would go through my on screen phone logs... No trust there, but I never had (or have) anything to hide so it didn't bother me at all. in fact it was just another thing seh did that I never acknowledged. I let her waste her time looking for something that was never there. Though I did one Saturday, sit down and try to prove to her each number on that phone was pregrogramed by my boss before I ever got the phone and that each call made and received was from a client, if not from/to her. THAT wa a rough weekend proving all that, but with help from google and reversephone.com She saw all were business phone numbers.

sweetsobriquet is not who she appears to be

SB

Love is not enough when there is an inherent lack of integrity in the cheating spouse and/or the 'love' is mere infatuation.

I've done a LOT of thinking about what qualities I would need to see in a man before I would consider remarrying.
I know that at one time my WXH DID feel 'in love' with me. But I doubt that he ever 'loved' me in a mature sense - just the temporary infatuation stuff. And I know that he didn't love me the way I loved him - the forsaking all others and even if he didn't meet my needs love.

Some people, for whatever reasons, just can't or won't really love anyone else in a way that you can count on to keep a marriage together. Those people should never marry and I don't know why they do.

Some people fall in love with a particular person and no matter what they continue to love that person - even if the love is not returned for whatever reason they want that person and no one else.

I think it takes at least one of the above factors to sustain a marriage: either the love is so strong that the temptation of OP is not a factor OR there is so much integrity that all temptation is purposely disabled.

I do know that any man I would consider marrying would have to demonstrate that he not only is 'in love' with me but also that he's SO in love with me that no other woman would ever do AND that he is also a man of such integrity that he would not divorce even if he temporarily 'fell out of love' with me or 'fell in love' with another woman.

I realize my WXH had neither factor.