My husband & I have been married nearly 17 yrs. He is active duty military and I am an actor. For the past 7 years I have resided in LA & he has been living at his duty station. I just found out on 10/3 that he has been having an affair for about 3-4 months. To say the least, I am devastated beyond belief. I drove to his apartment because I got a strange disturbing email from him. I panicked & drove 9 hrs straight there only to find his apt empty. This was at 3 a.m. I panicked. Went to his work and he wasn't there either. He was with her.

I finally got to ask him what was going on the next day around noon. He totally admitted to the affair and I freaked. And I mean I freaked big time. Screaming, crying, shaking, heck, I even got on my knee's and begged him to stop seeing her and I'd quit acting and come back. He just kept saying that he felt like I had abandoned him and our marriage when I left to pursue my dream. But he never told me this or communicated his displeasure about our arrangements. He even drove the U-Haul here to LA. He never said a word!!

Since I've read 2 of Dr. Harley's books & read through this website I see where we have both messed up. We weren't there for each other and we lost our emotional closeness. I trusted him 100%. He is the last person anyone thought would be unfaithful.

I even drove to his town and he had taken leave for 4 days and gone on a trip with her. Knowing full well I was in town to see him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I had to come back to LA due to obligations here, but turned around 2 days later and came back. I finally saw him on 10/10 with the Chaplain. He stated that he just wanted out and didn't even want to try to rebuild our relationship. That it was too far gone and he was too angry. He also is very infatuated with this other woman.

I know nothing about this other woman except she is not in the military with him. And that's it. I think she has money because he has not withdrawn any money from our joint account and his entire paycheck goes in there. I think she is a bit of a couger or Sugar Mamma.

During my breakdown on 10/3 he couldn't even look at me. I know he feels guilty and he didn't know I was going to freak out so. Even during the counseling session with the Chaplain he could barely look at me. I never told him enough how much I loved him, cared for him and admired him. He on the other hand resented my job and career he never said he loved, cared or admired me either.

I just don't know what to do. He's out of state training now and then in January will be re-deployed back to the Middle East. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. He will not return my phone calls and I leave him a message every day along with some text messages because that's what the Chaplain said to do. I am trying to rebuild something that he doesn't want to rebuild.

One part of me is telling me to pack my stuff & move back to his town and another part of me is saying don't until you know for sure he wants to try and make this work. I don't want to get stuck there with no job or money.

I am trying my hardest to get hold of his cellphone records. He changed his cellphone password. I even want to hire a PI to follow him when he gets home. I want to confront this woman and tell her to leave my husband alone.

I feel partially responsible for all of this, but he is too. We have huge communication problems. And the longer he is listening to this woman the harder it will be to try and get him back. I have told 3 of his work friends and his family knows and blames it entirely on me. My mom knows and just keeps telling me to be strong and hold it together. But I can't...

I just don't know what to do. I'm lost without him. The pain is nearly unbearable. I don't eat, sleep or think straight. I have lost 14lbs in since 10/3. I went to my Dr. on Friday and he gave me Xanax and Lexapro. Both make me sleepy and dizzy, but I don't sleep.

Went to the gym today and made it 15 min's into my workout and had a panic attack. Spent 10 min's in the bathroom vomiting up water and then had to have the trainer and gym members lay me on a bench for 20 min's giving me bites of power bar and sips of water. Just typing this I can't stop crying, shaking or sweating.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Going to try and get some sleep. Hope to see some advice in the morning.

Thank you all.

Hi LAsunshinegirl,

Welcome to MB... I'm sorry that you have the need to visit here, but you've come to the right place to learn about affairs and how to work through them.

It's good that you've read the books and articles here... not knowing the full story, I'm hesitant to give you any 'advice'...

I know how hard it is to be away from your spouse as I'm deployed now... Based on what you've told us, I would think that moving back with your H and doing whatever it takes to break up the A should be your number 1 priority.

7 years is a long time to live apart from each other... like you said, you are taking a risk if you move away from your career, but I guess it boils down to whether or not you want to try and work on your marriage or continue your career.

The evenings are very slow around here so hopefully you'll have some more replies tomorrow. I wish you the best as you make your decision on what you really want to do...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I am going to try and find out who this other person is.

LASun,

I would like to offer some advice, but I need more data.

You have been married 17 years. Are they any children involved? How old are you and your H? What were the plans when you move to LA 7 years ago? What did you two decide to do in making this marriage work, with this long separation? How often did you two get together?

Is it possible for you to take some vacation and move to where your H is located now?

Based on just speculation as I have little data, my guess is that your H feels you don't love him. Further, he has withdrawn from you, and this is a dangerous situation. You would rather have him mad at you than withdrawn.

Please read the articles about dealing with a withdrawn spouse. As you probably know the first step is to get the A to end and sometimes there is nothing you can do. Most often A's end on their own, but it can take a long time. Here is where you will need to learn about plan B.

If you two don't see each other often, how do you propose to meet his needs? Why was it not a problem for you that he did not meet your needs when separated and why did you think it would be good for you not to meet his needs while separated?

As you can see I am trying to see the reasoning, thoughts, and agreements you two had before this affair. It is a basis for offering some advice.

I would strongly recommend that you consider calling the Harley's and set up some counseling. They are best equiped to help you develop a plan to try and save your marriage.

Finally, take care of yourself. You need to be at the top of your game right now, and not eating, sleeping, will not leave you at the top of your game.

I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

We are both 38. No children. The thing is we never really talked about this stuff. We both just took it for granted. He helped me move out here, I thought he was fine with it. He doesn't talk alot. I would talk and he would never really reply to me.

LAsun,

Assumptions lead to resentment and
You two need to really talk and end the assumptions part. I am still confused as to how you could assume that living apart for 7 years would be a healthy thing. And by YOU I mean both of you. Has there ever been times when your H was jealous of your situation?

I keep thinking that there has been this huge disconnect and the assumptions you two made helped you avoid seeing it.

Keep us upgraded but I would really like to hear more about your thinking on your marriage before the A.

God Bless,

JL

Had another breakdown today. A dear friend stopped over, saw my condition and took me to the ER. Was in ER for 5hrs for heart palpitations, dehydration, anxiety and all around exhaustion. 2 bags of IV, atavan, blood sugar test and found out that I needed a good talking to with the shrink. Got a referal for a great one in Burbank. I call her tomorrow.

Find out who the other woman is and expose them to the military. That will end the affair, and then your husband will be more willing to work on the marriage.

I know she isn't in the military. That's what he says anyway, but I am getting as much info as I can and I'm going to start there & then a friend I have knows a good PI. Then I'm going to have the PI help me find out who she is, where she works, and if she's married etc...

Finally got some decent sleep last night thanks to the Atavan.

I assumed that he was fine with it. He is gone for a year at a time on deployments and I wait for him. Out of those 7 years he was deployed 3 yrs of it. After reading through this site I can now see we had more than just communication problems.

Right now I am working on exposing his affair to his coworkers. Then when I find out about OW I'm going to expose her too.

I want my husband back. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

And Atavan is my friend. Today I feel half way decent. And I have an appt with a counselor for Friday.

I feel for you LASSG.

My STBX is an officer in the Navy reserve, and began an affair with a Chief while deployed last year.

I was what I thought to be a model military wife--stoic, always giving him my support. I never complained when he had to go to drill or training, because it was something he loved and it was an obligation he signed up for. Turns out he interpreted my support as me not caring, because I didn't cry and tell him how much I missed him.

It was never a matter of me not caring--it was that I didn't know. I didn't want him to worry about me, so I was strong.

It was a real punch in the gut to realize that what I thought was the right thing to do to show support was in fact the worst thing.

Here's an article that talks about adultery in the military:
http://usmilitary.about.com/od/justicelawlegislation/a/adultery.htm

If the OW has some connection to the military, you may be able to get some help from them in ending contact.

He says OW is not in the military. That is all he would tell me. He is not returning my calls or messages right now and it is very frustrating.

She wouldn't need to be directly in the military herself.

If she had any connection to the military or the base (a spouse, or contract worker), their relationship could possibly be determined to negatively reflect the military and you might get help.

Today I am going to see a therapist. My first time ever. A friend is going to drive me because I am too shakey to drive.

I have already talked to his 1st sgt & he said they don't get involved in personal relationships like they used to. I'm pretty much on my own.

I'd contact the 1st Sgt again and tell him you are going over his head. Also tell him that you will relay his apathetic attitude regarding adultery to his superior when you do. I'm betting he will get involved when he thinks it could reflect negatively on him.
If you don't see results (and fast) go over his head just like you told him.

I will try. Everybody is off this weekend, because my friend tried to get hold of 2 of his friends and they won't be in until Monday. I am a bit too emotional to be talking to any of them at all. She has been my rock since all of this happened. I am just numb. It took everything I had to take the trash out today. I have a million things going through my head and I can't make sense of any of them.

I did see a therapist today and she just let me talk & cry. And that's about all I can do right now is talk & cry. I've become really good at crying.

My dear friend who is my rock during this trying time is going to call his work and ask for 2 of his friends and then she is going to ask to speak to who ever is above the 1st sgt. I am hoping to find a somewhat sympathetic female somewhere up the chain of command. I am having alot of trouble sleeping, eating or remembering things. If I did't have pets to take care of I'd probably be in the psych ward.

The commander is the one above the 1st Sgt.

Thank you. I will let her know. She is alot stronger than I am right now.

Had another sleepless night of tossing & turning.