Last night was horrible. I thought I would be able to sleep! But no sleep. For my safety and to protect myself I have an appt with the legal office at the local AFB. Which means a long drive for me. I really hope I don't need their advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry you didn't get any sleep. I remember those sleepless nights too. I had to mix alcohol and ativan to knock myself out (I know, not good... but I had to sleep if I wanted to function at work).

I think getting legal advice is good... it will help you feel more secure about your finances. I know when I did, it gave me some empowerment. It didn't change the fact that I wanted to save my relationship, but it helped me feel more confident. That confidence helped me eliminate the love busters and angry outburts.

I ran out of Ativan. I'm just taking the Ambien & Effexor. Today I am going to call WS and let him know that I will be in town on 19, 20 & 21 and I need him to be there.

LA,

So sorry to see you here, but welcome. You may think this is unique, but unfortunately it isn't. I wondered if you went to see your husband at all on a regular basis through the seven years? I only see you mention him coming to where you were. Don't beg and plead if you can help it, the WS's don't respect the BS and it doesn't help.

Many of us BS's here realize, when our world falls apart, how much our spouse means to us. It is a shame it took the A to do so, but be glad that you do value him and know it now.

My world came apart much like yours, went from a size 8 to a size 2 on the infedelity diet, not an attractive look let me tell you, lost hair, lost ability to focus on anything else, inc. my sons, wasn't performing well at work, a complete mess really for a long time. My FWH said the same things, I was to blame for everything, he didn't love me for years, if ever, our M was a mistake. Ouch, hard to hear when you have 3 great sons.

I owned my half before d-day one, he wouldn't acknowledge the changes, said I was just doing it bc of the A and I wouldn't sustain it. Was angry that it took the A for me to make positive changes. Meanwhile, he didn't change in a positive way, he got worse. I am telling you this so that you can be aware unless the A ends, it will get worse for you and you need to be strong to go through it.

I realized about a year or so ago that what I experienced/was experiencing was PTSD. In most cases, A's are devastating to the BS's ego and psche. But in some cases, it is emotionally worse. In my case I believe in part that I contributed to the A, I had a lot of guilt, some deserved and some my FWH pounded into me. My self worth before d-day 1 was in the toilet, A's with their lies, are a form of emotional abuse. In my sitch, I didn't find MB until 4 months after d-day 2, although I was in therapy.

I hope for you to use MB to first, recover yourself and second your marriage. You truly need to calm down, find that inner strength and if you believe in God, call on him to help you, he will if you allow it.

There are many kind and knowledgable people here to help and support you. You will come out the other side and I hope stronger and have the tools for a good relationship.

Remember, you can only control your half. Try to be someone your WH wants to be around, upbeat and positive. Yes, it may be an act, but the more you do it, the more it will become part of you.

Please keep posting, try to eat and try to perhaps meditate to calm your mind.

Peace,

nab

tried to make it to that legal office. Couldn't make it. Threw up on myself while on the fwy. Had to turn around & come home. Laying in bed now. OMG...I hurt so bad.

This is the first time I have every posted, but I come here just about everyday looking for updates to your story. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.




I agree so much with this statement.

Yes totally agree with this. Once you start in this frame of mind, you see the immediate effect it has on others surrounding you, namely your H. It will also help keep your general outlook positive, which will help YOU get through this and improve as a person.

Since I found out and the initial melt-down, I have never raised my voice, swore, called him a bad name etc... And I didn't even do any of that during the initial melt-down.

Every phonecall, txt msg, email I have remained upbeat, positive and always told him how much I loved him and admired him. I know after reading Dr. Harley's basic concepts that I didn't meet his EN's and he didn't meet mine either, but that's another story.

So I know that I have to move there. After talking to legal advice, if something goes wrong (D) or doesn't work out, he will probably take a spanking in the wallet and I'll leave. Which is not something I want. I love him so much. I have already forgiven him and the A hasn't even ended yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

LA:

Why the long drive? Don't know exactly where you are, but you can go to Miramar. Hope you weren't trying to reach the base by Solvang!

how are you doing?

I live in LA in the Valley. So I was trying to drive to that little LA AFB down by LAX. I was on the 405 at 8:00 a.m. and just sick, weak and dehydrated. I got myself carsick & threw up on myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> It was bad. Reminded me of when I was a little kid.

So I came home, layed down and sipped on some water & ate some crackers.

Then I got up at 10:15 and drove to the dentist & had the 2 crowns replaced that I broke on Halloween on a wicked mean Apple Jolly Rancher candy.

I came home, downed 2 Ambien and slept for 3 hrs. I woke up & right now I feel pretty good. I'm still drinking water & eating crackers. My stomach hurts so bad from throwing up so much that I think it's just not used to have food in it.

I wish I could hand pick my MB Posse and have them ride with me to Tucson. That would be cool. Moral support every step of the way. Every time he threw out some sort of WS babble, somebody would be able to shoot it down.

MB needs a mobile response team! Like the A-Team but with a cooler van and less jewelry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have a van, and it is very cool, but only because the heater doesn't work!

Try to stay calm. Keep Emitrol, not sure if it is spelled right, with you.

If you have a rosary, and you get so stressed out that you can't pray, sometimes it helps just to hold it and ask for help. That is a prayer in my book.

Remember, God will answer your prayers, but not always in the way that we want or expect.

Hang in there,

Hey I would go with you if I was closer...I lived in Tucson for over a year and know it pretty well...especially the mall....and the night spots....make sure you eat some eegee's ranch fries for me. I miss those alot.

I just had a horrible day. I only sent him 1 txt msg. Friends here in LA are saying that it's over & I need to realize that & friends in Phoenix are saying that I gotta keep trying and I'm just so confused.

I just want to pack the uhaul & just show up on his door step. I just think we should have another chance.

I still hurt so bad today. I don't think the pain will ever stop.

What if I just put everything in storage here in LA & just pack the cats, my computer & my clothes & just go to Tucson? I can come back & get my stuff later...

Does that show my committment or does it show that I still have a way out?

Aaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!...

Hi LA,

I hope that you're getting some rest...

I think that it is key that you move back home and be with your H... I don't know how things will turn out, but as long as you guys are apart, it's going to be very hard for you to do a good Plan-A.

If it takes packing up your stuff in a U-Haul, then I'd get started as soon as possible...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I did get some rest last night. Today I am getting ready to make my trip to Arizona tomorrow. I am just rereading the basic principles and trying to stay positive. Saying a few prayers for myself and my husband & stuff like that. And I'm going to check out rental rates for storage places.

I think I just have to show up on his doorstep and say "Here I am!" I'm not gonna give up. And I've added 3 paragraphs onto the things I want to say to him.

And I've found out I can eat rice a roni & not get sick. So I had that for dinner last night. I am trying to be strong and not panic or get upset and start the hysterical crying, but it's there, right under the surface. Just waiting...

I have made my hotel reservation for Tucson. I am praying that everything goes well.

I just keep re-reading his text message that says "It's over & I'll never forgive you for what you've done" over & over and I'm just panicking. I know everybody said that it's just classic WS behavior but for me it's the worst thing to see.

LA:

Don't worry about what he says now, but focus on taking positive steps. He may say a lot worse.

Nevertheless, you stand a good chance of breaking his PA if you can burst the bubble. A real live in the flesh human being can do that. Don't be afraid, but confident. We are all with you.