I saw him with the MC today. It was a complete disaster. He just sat there & said it was over & I needed to move on with my life. He said there was no chance & he had already started divorce papers.

I completley freaked & lost it & just cried & rocked back & forth on the couch & begged for a 2nd chance. The MC had WS leave the room & sat & talked with me. She didn't want me to leave. She wanted to put me in the hospital again & I told her I wouldn't go back to a hospital. I've lost 40lbs & can't keep anything down. I can't eat or drink. I just cry. And she said that she feared for my safety. I told her I wasnt going to hurt myself, but I just wanted to lay down, go to sleep and wake up in a different time & place.

My face is numb, I ache & feel helpless & hopeless. She asked me to promise not to leave Tucson, but I couldn't stay. I left my hotel room & came back to my friends house here in Phoenix. I drive back to LA in the morning. I just want to crawl in my own bed with my cats & cry myself 2 sleep.

I'm pretty sure its over. And I feel horrendous.

LA: Please try and get under control emotionally. Don't worry when he spews this fog. WS's do that. What he says and what actually happens are often quite different.

(((((LA)))))

LA - Please get some help... there's nothing wrong with going to the hospital if you are having a hard time...

We're here for you, so please drop us a line when you get back, OK?

Semper Fi,

RIF

I am home in LA now. I called my therapist & asked her to call me. I can't go back to the hospital.

I'm pretty sure it's over. Even the MC said that you can't save a marriage with 1 person.

He said it's been over for years and he just wishes I'd move on with my life. He doesn't understand why I'm freaking out so bad. I've never been alone. I've always been with him, since I was 21. I'm shaking so bad.

I called a friend and she is coming over. I can't eat or drink and I don't wanna go back to the hospital. It was cold and scary & lonely. This apt is so lonely now that I know I can't just call him.

And I got home & there were emails that he changed his address on some of our credit cards to his in Tucson.

How am I supposed to pay the bills if I don't know how much? The AF said he couldn't cut me off financially, but now I'm scared.

I just hurt so bad. I want the pain to go away.

LA:

Sorry things went so bad, but you showed great courage and determination!

In regard to the bills, is there a mutual friend you could use to talk to him about this?

Hang in there!

I don't know what to do. There is no one. I have a friend coming over to sit with me.

Then for the time being I recommend you use his chain of command. Let them know that you have bills and you know that they need to be paid and wonder what is going on.

Let them know that you are entitled to support, and whether or not he is paying that.

This isn't out of vengeance. Right now he is in a fantasy world. Sometimes the a strike to the pocket book will wake a person up.

Regardless, the military has standards that they expect their members to live up to in regard to bills and support to their family members. Don't let him have a pass on this.

Hang in there!!!

He called me & said tht he just changed the paper billing addresses & that the p/w's and signon's were still the same. I still had access. But I told him that he did this & didn't tell me and when I got home I freaked out when I read my emails. That then I got a phonecall from Visa fraud alert and found out he'd changed our joint checking acct billing address & freaked out further. But he told me that he wouldn't cut me off & I should know that he wouldn't do that to me. But I told him since I saw him yesterday that he didn't seem like the same person to me. So I didn't know what he'd do.

But my friend came over & was here for a few hours, I cried, sobbed & had my freak out & then I took an Effexor and I'm calmer. I also ate a bit of dinner. She made sure I ate.

He gets deployed in Jan/Feb 2008. I told him that no matter what happened, I would always worry about him.

Gonna go to bed & try to relax.

How are you doing??? I'm worried about you and have been thinking about you.

I had a freak out last night. My friend came over. I curled into a ball & cried for 2 hrs.

Today I was ok until around 2 p.m. when I called a few D lawyers. I did not know lawyers were so $$$. But I may have found 1. I don't want to sound like I have given up, but I need to protect myself. But I know he may be the one for me. He seemed to understand & kept me from having my daily freak out.

Today I also went to see my therapist & told her I was not going to take the meds anymore. It made me feel worse than if I wasn't taking them. I read the side effects & I had 8 out of 10 of them. So I didn't take any today & it took me til noon to "sober" up. I felt drunk. This evening I am clearer headed & tomorrow I am going to a friends house for the day/evening for dinner & movies. And I love her and her kids. So it should be a good day.

And WS called me back today & I made up stupid questions to ask him just so I could hear his voice.

I hope that his deployment and being gone for 6 mos may change his mind or change his opinion of me. I just try not to give up.

But today was better than yesterday.

Hey LA! Happy Thanksgiving! I'm glad that you have a friend to spend Thanksgiving with...

Thanks for the update too... you WILL get through this.

Semper Fi,

RIF

I am going to a friends house today.

I had a really bad dream about him this morning that he was flaunting the OW in my face & I was going through his wallet and his cellphone and trying to find out info.

I woke up in a panic attack & was shaking uncontrollably and I got my phone & called my mom & talked to her for over an hour. My hands finally stopped shaking. Now I just feel like my neck won't hold my head up. Weird...I know.

I am going to take a warm shower & get ready to drive to my friends house. The therapist said last night that I shouldn't be by myself & I should go places. So I am going to try to go to the movies tomorrow. I feel so stupid & weak. I just want to know when the pain will go away. It doesn't.

Hey LA,

You're not "stupid & weak"... this is very traumatizing.

You take care of yourself and have a great time with your friends! ...and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!

Semper Fi,

RIF

I had a really fun time at my friends house. I ate dinner & it was the most I had eaten in nearly 2 mos. I had ham & turkey slice + stuffing & a scoop of potatos. She couldn't believe I ate so much. I also drank 4 glasses of water. Her little boy was alot of fun & we raced around the backyard with the puppy. Then we watched tv & just hung out.

Her daughter may come stay a week with me in December. I love her daughter. She's 15 & so much fun. She makes me feel young. I look forward to her stay.

Only sent txt msg to WS wishing him a good day.

So glad you had a good day yesterday. I'm sure you,ll feel a little better after eating.

I know how hard it is right now... but you will get through this. There will be good days, there will be bad days, but eventually the good days will outnumber the bad days.

Today I ordered regular phone service to my house. I normally just used my cellphone. But even 1000 min's right now isn't enough. So now I'm getting digital phone with unlimited calling. That will help. I can stay on the phone with friends during my meltdowns.

Today I'm going out. Gonna go to the movies, mani/pedi and look for some smaller jeans.

Smaller jeans = <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know it's not the best way to lose weight, but you have to try and look at the positive side of things.

Have a great day, and good for you for getting some pampering, you DESERVE it!

Saw a movie today. Bought a book that the therapist recommended. "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" and I was reading it & just started to shake. I had to go in & get my eyebrows done & my facial lady was so good. She took me into a massage room & I cried and shook & told her what happened & she did my eyebrows & just listened. I love her. She was so good to me. She hugged me.

The book has some good advice, but everything is so raw that I don't think I can finish reading the book yet.

I realized today that my wedding anniversary is February 14th. Valentines Day. Every Valentines Day for the rest of my life will be my wedding anniversary.

It has to be on someday! And as far as you knew at the time, that was a good choice.

Don't look at it as a reminder of what went wrong, but what you did that was good, and build on that.

how was the movie?