LAsunshinegirl,

Only you can make a decision on what your personal boundaries are or should be. The only word of caution I can offer is based on my personal experience. I doubt anyone can succeed with making Harley's principles work if the other person in the relationship is done with it. From what you're describing, your husband could be in that category.

LAsun,

I don't want you to give up, I want you to get started. Until you can see things from his side, you will have no idea how to make a good plan.

You stated in one post
First, as a guy, I see a guy who was NOT going to tell his W how to be a W. He was NOT going to mess with her career. Frankly, If my W were an actoress I am not sure I could stand to watch her especially live. I would be soooo nervous for her that I could not stand it. Part of that is because I don't understand acting or performing. I do understand sports so while I was always nervous when my kids played in HS and college, I understood what was going on and what they could and could not do.

You should feel helpless right now. You don't have a plan. You have not tried to see things from your H's point of view. You assume that if he does not want to talk to you that he "hates" you or something. It could be the opposite. He needs things in life you cannot or have not provided, but that does not mean he does not have love for you, he does not see a way back or toward where he might want to be and he is NOT going to tell you to give up YOUR dreams.

Part of plan A is meeting needs, but those that do that well develop empathy or have empathy for their WS. The individual my hurt like crazy for the betrayal, but they come to see how this could have happened and what might be done to address the issues. You have not done that yet.

You get your feelings hurt when I challenge you. I would prefer that you got so mad at me that you were spitting nails and decided to SHOW me what you have got inside. You call and lean on your friends but that does nothing for your marriage. You are an actress and I would think that would mean you have a certain insight into the human condition, because as you take on roles you must become someone and respond to the other characters. I don't see you using these skills.

If you want to save this marriage plan A is called for and part of figuring out his needs is starting to see things from his point of view. YOu don't have to agree with his point of view, or even like it, but you must see it.

It is time you really sat down and got busy. Calling him is good, emailing him is good, keeping it light can be good, but eventually he will need to hear from you what YOU really want in a marriage, what you dream about, what you are willing to do to get what YOU want in a marriage. And you need to be able to tell him what YOU want in terms he understands which means you need to know or begin to sense his perspective on things.

You will note he has not filed. You will note that he will be deployeed. You will note that you dont' have a plan or a clue, and you keep saying he won't talk to me. He is talking to you, by actions, be emails, by phone calls, by what he told you about himself when you two first started dating. You know more than you realize but you MUST start to focus on what you know, not on what you feel.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

I'm calling, I'm emailing, I'm sending him text messages and he's not returning any of them. And when he does return my phone call it's very short, curt and to the point. Nothing extra.

And you point is????

You seem to be waiting for him to fix this. Wrong answer.

You have skills, you have talents, you have motivation, so start thinking about this as you suspect he might. Start to learn to speak HIS language. Start to develop a plan for being the W YOU want to be and make it so it is the W he wants as well.

First and foremost YOU need a detailed plan. Your plan cannot be like my diet plans. "I plan to lose 20 lbs." That is not a plan, that isn't even a goal, that is a wish. When one gets serious, they have a detailed plan, with timelines, ideas, fall back positions, how to handle disappointment, and most of all GOALS. Not just "I want to be happy or with him." I want a, b, c, d, e, f, and I am willing to do 1, 2, 3, ... to reach that goal.

You have goals for your career. You have a plan for how to reach those goals. Time to do the same for your marriage and emotional life.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I have no idea how to devise a plan for this. When I say I want to come to be with him, he says he doesn't even want me in the city of Tucson. I wonder if he's testing me to see if I'll just pack and go and sit on his doorstep until he lets me in. If he lets me in. But he seems so different that I don't know what he is thinking.

I have called to setup an appt with the Harleys. I'll pay $195 to find out what I should be doing. Because I really don't know right now.

I have just made an appt with Dr. Harley for tomorrow morning.

LAsun,

Congratulations, you have taken a concrete step toward saving your marriage. I believe you will never regret spending that money. If anyone can help you save your marriage I believe it is the Harley's.

Just try avoid being defensive and listen with an open mind. You are about to really start learning things that will change your life and any relationships you have now or in the future.

God Bless,

JL

I already asked his coordinator if he would yell at me and she said no. She said he is very nice. I did the 2 surveys and sent an email explaining what has happened over the last 10 yrs or so.

We'll see. Appt is 8:30 a.m. tomorrow morning.

LAsun,

Best of luck. I think you will be happy you have done this. I am happy you are trying this approach. I presume since you said "he" you mean Steve Harley. I have heard he is very very good.

God Bless,

JL

I talked to Steve Harley. And he said that our first step is to ask my husband this question and establish an ideal scenario. "In terms of your happiness would your ideal scenario be to be in love with your wife?"

And then he coached me on what to say from there. I have 4pgs of badly scribbled notes to redo tonight.

My goal is to get spouse to say yes to the question above and then see if he will talk to Steve.

So I am practising my question out loud and trying to do it in a calm and matter of fact way.

That's a girl LAsun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just remember this stuff is tough but you have the tools and the help you really need to give yourself the best chance at this.

God Bless,

JL

OMG...I GOT DIVORCE PAPERS IN THE MAIL TODAY.

I'm losing it. The panic attack has started and I had to call somebody to come over. I don't know what to do.

OOOHHHH NOOOOOO! WTF? How are you doing now? I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I wish I could be there with you right now to give you a big hug and let you just cry,or scream, or whatever. I would probably do what I do with all my frenz when they are having man problems. I would come over with a HUGE bag of dill pickle chips, ice cream and movies like The Breakfast Club or Old school. And stay up all night watching silly movies like that and getting a sugar high from Mountain Dew. Sooo....if I was there with you that is what I would do. I hope this helps you brigten up just a bit. Remember this: always blessings, NEVER losses. You still have the beautiful you that worked so hard at something you believed in. That is what makes you you. And that is something to admire. Keep posting for support.
God bless,
love always

Missalot, Thank you for your kind words. One of my favorite movies is The Breakfast Club.

My friends just left. Another friend said she is coming over soon to spend the night. My initial freakout is over for now.

I'm watching back to back episodes of L&O: SVU on USA. Just talking to folks online here or having friends call or come over makes me feel better.

Such a crazy day.

LAsun,

Getting divorce papers does not mean you are divorced. You talked to SH today, you have a plan, try it. One never knows how things work out. But, they have no chance if you don't try.

I am sorry to hear of this news, but it is NOT over yet. Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

There is a clause in the D papers that said that their are restrictions on my behavior. It says it does not give either spouse the right to either harass or bother the other spouse. I have been told that I should not contact by phone or email unless he consider it harassment. I feel torn between contact or no contact.

I called Dr.Harley's office and left him a message. Asked him if I should still contact WH with the question or if there is a different question I should be asking now.

I talked to legal eagle today. He said I can still talk to WH. Just don't freak out and go crazy on the phone. So if I can get him to talk to me I can ask him Steve's questions.

I am still going to mail him his Christmas gift and the 2 other gifts that I got him for his promotion and his birthday. My friends are screaming at me not to, but I still want to send them. So I am going to. I guess it's part of my Plan A. And I'm still trying to get him on the phone to ask those questions.