OK, here is the email. I have not sent it yet. This is what I wrote. Amazin what do you think?


Dear Spouse,

As you are aware, Thursday is our 17th wedding anniversary. While I don’t expect a big present or the usual things or a reply to this e-mail I want you to know exactly how I feel.

I miss you constantly. Everyday I wake up and you are the first person I think of and the last thing I think of at night. I want to be by your side. It’s where I belong. I do not want to miss your retirement ceremony. I really want to be there. It means a lot to me to see you reach this goal. I was so proud of you at your promotion ceremony and you were so handsome in your uniform. It’s why I took so many pictures of you. It took me 2 months to find the right dress for that occasion because I wanted so badly to look nice for you.

You know what I miss? I miss those little day trips we used to take on your days off. When we would drive to Glacier or the trip we took to Ft. Benton. Those are some of the happiest times I ever had. I loved our trip to Yellowstone and our first trip to Arizona. I was so happy just to have you all to myself. Even when you came to Los Angeles and we would just drive around sight seeing made me happy because I was with you. I so badly want to be able to take those trips again with you. I craved your undivided attention. I just wanted to be next to you.

Did you know that I have conversations with you when you’re not here? I think of all the little funny things we used to laugh about and I repeat them. Like when we talk about a movie we’ve never ever seen before and then explain it to each other. It makes me laugh and I miss you all the more. Or how we always said our next cat was gonna be normal and not weird like the ones we have.

Your retirement weighs heavily on my mind everyday. That ceremony is what get’s me out of bed in the morning and to the gym. I want to look good for you and have you be proud to say I am your wife. When you go to the police academy I want to be there by your side to help you succeed and become the great police officer that I know you will be.

I feel like I have changed so much. I am a softer, more understanding person. I want you to see the new me and get to know the new me. I know you won’t be disappointed.

Please keep in contact with me. Sending you e-mails and leaving voicemail messages that are not returned hurts me more than I can say.

I love you with all my heart. I want to stay your wife and have many more years together.

Your wife,

LA,

Well I am not Amazin, but I think you probably also meant me since I recommended the letter in the first place <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.

First of all please don't send the letter yet.

I can see from the letter that you think one of your husband's emotional needs is admiration. And another is humour, and yet another recreational (the drives). Good start. You have identified three important things to address.

But please forgive me if I offend you by saying that I think the letter as it stands is too much about 'you' and your needs. I tell you this because you want this letter to be as Plan A as it can be, but if it is telling him things in too much of a needy way, it is likely to turn him off. The phrases "I miss you constantly" "have you all to myself" "I craved your undivided attention" and "Sending you e-mails and leaving voicemail messages that are not returned hurts me more than I can say" are likely to do that.

I know this is a difficult letter to write, and I remember getting upset when people here would counsel me on how to word my own letter, so I do feel for you right now. But believe me when I say it will be worth revising.

So how to go about it?

Well I will have to get back to you on it, because I am about to get busy. I tried writing some stuff here for you and it was getting garbled. But if you can wait, I will post something in a few hours, okay?

Once again, no intention of offending you. You want this to be a great Plan A letter and we are here to help.

Nina

No offense taken. Just let me know what to take out & what to add. I'm all in.

Hi LA,
This is my first post to you and I don't know your entire sitch. I'm also not in any position of authority or experience here, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

From what I've read so far, you've been at this for awhile and it doesn't seem like it's working, does it?

From what I've learned, a good relationship is based on mutual respect. You're marriage would not work unless he respects you as much as you respect him. It seems here that you are pouring your heart out and he's not responding to it. Maybe you can try a different approach?

If you see my thread, I've been receiving some good advice from pom, lala and tmts. I've also been reading a book called Love Must be Tough by dr. james dobson. It has helped me a lot because I personally have never felt that plan A was working for me.


I know this came from your heart and this what you feel and want your WH to feel, but he doesn't right now. You've been pouring your heart to him and he's ignoring it.

The story that Lala (aka Resonance) wrote on my thread is perfect. The story of the girlfriend and boyfriend who broke up and the girl begged and pleaded, but all he did was look down on her. Then she stopped calling him and and started living her life and all of a sudden he wanted to get back together her.

This is what I think you should do. Stop writing him letters, especially ones that dwell on the past and how much you miss him. Start living your life and show him that you can be happy with or whithout him (because you can). If he wants to come back it's his choice. No one appreciates a door prize, but they appreciate the ones they have to work for.

Just my humble opinion.

Best wishes to you,
DM

and sorry, I didn't mean to butt in. Again I don't know your whole sitch. If this is your first plan A letter to him, it's probably a good idea. I just wasn't sure if you've been doing this all along and not getting responses. I'm going through a lot of the same things that you are and I've been writing my WW letters.

When I found out about my WWs A on dday, i pushed her away and she kept coming back. When she started to change her mind, I broke down and begged...thats when she started pulling away harder. That's the pattern im starting to see. I've been calling, emailing and texting her ever since and it keeps pushing her further away. I just stopped doing that and now she's trying to contact me and it feels a lot better. It may take awhile for your WH to respond, but I think he will when he notices the change. JMHO.

btw.. I'm in OC and was born in culver city, so i think that makes us neighbors.

Drowning Man...This e-mail would be the first contact I've had with him since January 4th. He would not respond to any of my communication, so my therapist and the folks here on the board suggested that I just not contact him. Make myself better, stronger and healthy (I've had 2 breakdowns and hospitalizations) and let him wonder what I am up to. This e-mail would be the first contact in over a month. I am now stronger, healthier and in a better mental state now that I can handle what ever happens.

Yep...we are nearly neighbors. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DrowningMan and anyone else, please jump in and help, the more the better. I encourage comments to my revision of LA’s letter.

LA, Sorry this took longer than I thought. I have cut and pasted your email and added comments, but I am afraid it might be hard to determine my comments from yours as I cannot for the life of me work out how to do bold writing on this site any more, but I will do my best.


“Dear Spouse,

As you are aware, Thursday is our 17th wedding anniversary. While I don’t expect a big present or the usual things or a reply to this e-mail I want you to know exactly how I feel.”


TRY THIS:

"As you are aware, Thursday is our 17th wedding anniversary. I remember our wedding day with such clarity, you waiting for me at the end of the aisle, so handsome in your wedding suit.….”(more admiring phrases such as this). Keep the first couple of paragraphs about the wedding, and honeymoon if you had one. Select the best and most meaningful memories to you both. You could probably reminisce for a couple of paragraphs, at least.


”I miss you constantly.”


DELETE.

Forget the word 'miss'. Instead of "I miss..." try "I loved it when..." or "I so enjoyed how we used to..." or even just "Remember when...." Using the word miss might be construed as a tactic to make him feel guilt for making you feel bad. WS's don't like to be made feel guilt; they will turn it on you. You are trying to get him to recall the good in your marriage, not make him feel guilty for taking that away. It is a subtle point.)


“Everyday I wake up and you are the first person I think of and the last thing I think of at night. I want to be by your side for you.”


That is good. Delete “for you”. Follow it up with what you loved about him. His arms around you, his way of kissing you good morning, getting you your first cup of tea (or enjoying so much getting his) all those intimate little things married people do in the morning. Spend a good paragraph on this.


“It’s where I belong.”


DELETE


I do not want to miss your retirement ceremony. I really want to be there. It means a lot to me to see you reach this goal.


This focuses on you, rather than him.. Rewritten it could say: It would be a privledge to be at your retirement ceremony, to see you achieving your goals after all of your hard work and determination. These are qualities I see in you that make you the man you are, and have always made me proud to be your wife.


I was so proud of you at your promotion ceremony and you were so handsome in your uniform. It’s why I took so many pictures of you.


Fine


It took me 2 months to find the right dress for that occasion because I wanted so badly to look nice.


Delete. Instead, maybe something like: I was so proud to be standing there watching you be recognised for your achievements. I know how hard you worked to get there, and as your wife I was so full of love and admiration.


You know what I miss? I miss those little day trips we used to take on your days off. When we would drive to Glacier or the trip we took to Ft. Benton. Those are some of the happiest times I ever had. I loved our trip to Yellowstone and our first trip to Arizona.


Again, rephrase anything to do with the word ‘miss’

I was so happy just to have you all to myself.


Delete

Even when you came to Los Angeles and we would just drive around sight seeing made me happy because I was with you. I so badly want to be able to take those trips again with you.


This needs work, It can be construed as begging. Try something more simple like “I would love to take those trips with you again”


I craved your undivided attention. I just wanted to be next to you.


Delete

Did you know that I have conversations with you when you’re not here? I think of all the little funny things we used to laugh about and I repeat them. Like when we talk about a movie we’ve never ever seen before and then explain it to each other. It makes me laugh and I miss you all the more. Or how we always said our next cat was gonna be normal and not weird like the ones we have.


Leave out the first sentence and it is fine.


Your retirement weighs heavily on my mind everyday.


Rephrase. Simply “I have been thinking a lot about your retirement”

That ceremony is what gets me out of bed in the morning and to the gym. I want to look good for you and have you be proud to say I am your wife.


Delete. This is focusing you’re your own need of admiration, not his.


When you go to the police academy I want to be there by your side to help you succeed and become the great police officer that I know you will be.


Delete “help you to succeed”. He can do it without you, and he knows this, and probably wants you to acknowledge this too. Rephrase: ….I want to be there by your side, watching you achieve your life’s dream, supporting you as your loving wife.” This has nearly the same meaning, but it doesn’t seem like you are saying he can’t do it without you.

I feel like I have changed so much. I am a softer, more understanding person. I want you to see the new me and get to know the new me. I know you won’t be disappointed.


Rephrase: Our separation has caused me to reflect on my personal traits, and how they may have affected our life together. I am learning to become a better, more supportive and loving wife for you. I am learning to become a more understanding person, one who will always be there for you. I am looking forward to sharing this with you.


Please keep in contact with me. Sending you e-mails and leaving voicemail messages that are not returned hurts me more than I can say.



Delete. It will be seen as an attempt to make him feel guilty.


I love you with all my heart. I want to stay your wife and have many more years together.


Add: We have so many wonderful memories and a beautiful history. I believe with all my heart that we can work through our difficulties as man and wife and have a more wonderful marriage than ever.


Your wife,


Perhaps more endearing, your loving wife, your adoring wife, etc…


Nina

OK...here are my revisions.

Dear Spouse,

As you are aware, Thursday is our 17th wedding anniversary. I remember our wedding day with such clarity. I was very nervous and you were as calm as a cucumber. You were very sure of yourself and were ready to just forge ahead and get things done. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I think you remember that my hand was so sweaty you could barely get the ring on my finger. I was so scared that you were going to change your mind. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Then we went on to Spokane and you got to meet my flaky sister & her family. At least we had our own hotel room and privacy so we could be together. It was best night of my life. Remember we had prime rib at the restaurant and then we were so full we went straight to bed. I was too excited to sleep. I laid there a long time thinking of you and the life we were going to have together.

Everyday I wake up and you are the first person I think of and the last thing I think of at night. Remember how nice and warm the bed was with our flannel sheets? Remember how I would drape my leg over yours? That’s how I could keep touching you in my sleep. So I would know you are there.

I have been thinking a lot about your retirement. It would be a privilege to be at your retirement ceremony, to see you achieving your goals after all of your hard work and determination. These are qualities I see in you that make you the man you are, and have always made me proud to be your wife. I was so proud of you at your promotion ceremony and you were so handsome in your uniform. It’s why I took so many pictures of you. I was so proud to be standing there watching you be recognized for your achievements. I know how hard you worked to get there, and as your wife I was so full of love and admiration.

Remember those little day trips we used to take on your days off? When we would drive to Glacier or the trip we took to Ft. Benton? Those are some of the happiest times I ever had. I loved our trip to Yellowstone and our first trip to Arizona. Even when you came to Los Angeles and we would just drive around sight seeing and when we drove to San Diego to see Jason made me happy because I was with you. I would love to be able to take those trips again with you. The Aquarium, the Getty Museum, Disneyland…all of those places were so much fun because I was with you.

I think of all the little funny things we used to laugh about and I repeat them. Like when we talk about a movie we’ve never ever seen before (Twister, Forrest Gump, The Hunt for Red October) and then explain it to each other. It makes me laugh and I miss you all the more. Or how we always said our next cat was going to be normal and not weird like the ones we have. I’m still hoping that happens one day. We deserve one normal cat!

When you go to the police academy I want to be there by your side, watching you achieve your life’s dream, supporting you as your loving wife.

Our separation has caused me to reflect on my personal traits, and how they may have affected our life together. I am learning to become a better, more supportive and loving wife for you. I am learning to become a more understanding person, one who will always be there for you. I am looking forward to sharing this with you. We have so many wonderful memories and a beautiful history. I believe with all my heart that we can work through our difficulties as man and wife and have a more wonderful marriage than ever.

I love you with all my heart. I want to stay your wife and have many more years together.

Your loving wife,

Wow, what an improvement! (Clapping). I noticed you slipped a little "I miss you" in there, but I think it's okay to leave just the one.

Now...it occurs to me he might be thinking "Why is she writing me about all this stuff?" So a bit of an introductory paragraph needs added, to start the letter off. Maybe cut this sentence out (he knows the date of your anniversary)

"As you are aware, Thursday is our 17th wedding anniversary."

and instead try something like:

"As our anniversary approaches, so many memories of our time together fill my heart, reminding me of how I love you so. I want to share some of them with you."

What do you think?

Nina

OK, I changed it.


Dear Spouse,

As our anniversary approaches, so many memories of our time together fill my heart, reminding me of how I love you so. I want to share some of them with you. I remember our wedding day with such clarity. I was very nervous and you were as calm as a cucumber. You were very sure of yourself and were ready to just forge ahead and get things done. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I think you remember that my hand was so sweaty you could barely get the ring on my finger. I was so scared that you were going to change your mind. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Then we went on to Spokane and you got to meet my flaky sister & her family. At least we had our own hotel room and privacy so we could be together. It was best night of my life. Remember we had prime rib at the restaurant and then we were so full we went straight to bed. I was too excited to sleep. I laid there a long time thinking of you and the life we were going to have together.

Everyday I wake up and you are the first person I think of and the last thing I think of at night. Remember how nice and warm the bed was with our flannel sheets? Remember how I would drape my leg over yours? That’s how I could keep touching you in my sleep. So I would know you are there.

I have been thinking a lot about your retirement. It would be a privilege to be at your retirement ceremony, to see you achieving your goals after all of your hard work and determination. These are qualities I see in you that make you the man you are, and have always made me proud to be your wife. I was so proud of you at your promotion ceremony and you were so handsome in your uniform. It’s why I took so many pictures of you. I was so proud to be standing there watching you be recognized for your achievements. I know how hard you worked to get there, and as your wife I was so full of love and admiration.

Remember those little day trips we used to take on your days off? When we would drive to Glacier or the trip we took to Ft. Benton? Those are some of the happiest times I ever had. I loved our trip to Yellowstone and our first trip to Arizona. Even when you came to Los Angeles and we would just drive around sight seeing and when we drove to San Diego to see Jason made me happy because I was with you. I would love to be able to take those trips again with you. The Aquarium, the Getty Museum, Disneyland…all of those places were so much fun because I was with you.

I think of all the little funny things we used to laugh about and I repeat them. Like when we talk about a movie we’ve never ever seen before (Twister, Forrest Gump, The Hunt for Red October) and then explain it to each other. It makes me laugh and I miss you all the more. Or how we always said our next cat was going to be normal and not weird like the ones we have. I’m still hoping that happens one day. We deserve one normal cat!

When you go to the police academy I want to be there by your side, watching you achieve your life’s dream, supporting you as your loving wife.

Our separation has caused me to reflect on my personal traits, and how they may have affected our life together. I am learning to become a better, more supportive and loving wife for you. I am learning to become a more understanding person, one who will always be there for you. I am looking forward to sharing this with you. We have so many wonderful memories and a beautiful history. I believe with all my heart that we can work through our difficulties as man and wife and have a more wonderful marriage than ever.

I love you with all my heart. I want to stay your wife and have many more years together.

Your loving wife,

Looking good! Now....I think you might want to wait for a day or two before you send it off, and see if some other MB'ers check out the letter and offer any additions/deletions/amendments.

I see you got to spell 'privilege' properly too....that one stumps me every time!

Nina

I wanted to send it tomorrow afternoon. Our anniversary is the 14th.

I'll wait til tomorrow afternoon.

LA,

When I read the first draft of your letter, I felt that it would come across as too needy and desperate to a WS, but I didn't want to comment because I'm no expert at this area.

I very much agree with the suggestions that Nina made and I think the last version you have is very good.

Thanks BHHFSGUY. I am going to send it. I hope he takes the time to read the entire e-mail.

Thank you everyone who helped. I appreciate it.

Hey neighbor,

The letter looks great with the changes. Sorry, I'm no expert either, so I don't have any suggestions to offer. I agree with Nina and BHHFS though. The less needy it sounds the better.

Hope you're doing well today.
DM

OK, I cut & pasted the letter into an email. And I sent it. To all 3 of his emails! We'll see what happens.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do tomorrow. I have a hair appt & that's it. I need to fill up my day. I may have to go see back to back movies.

My goal is to make it through the day with no panic/anxiety attacks, crying, shaking or heart palpitations.

"My goal is to make it through the day with no panic/anxiety attacks, crying, shaking or heart palpitations."

Have you tried anti-D's? They work well for panic attacks.

LA I thought your revised letter was most excellent! Great job. I had no comments to improve it, but I just wanted to let you know. And I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Hang in there.

Si, Si, Senorita!! I am the Rx Queen! I take Zoloft and Ativan. Saroquel to sleep. I am locked & loaded for tomorrow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Is it too late to suggest that perhaps "Dear Spouse" is a little too impersonal? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Tee hee. Sorry. Just thought I'd try to lighten the mood.

Hang in there. Days like these are long, I know.

Jodie