Still no call. But I've paid bills and done all of my work. Today is one big headache. Really. I have a headache. I don't know why. Stress maybe. But I've decided to just wing it and I'm gonna stay in today & hang with the cats. Nap time is getting close. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA,

I don't really have much to add... just wanted to tell you that I know how hard it is, and you are doing great, and just keep hanging in there ok?

mlhb

Still no contact from WS. For some reason today I got really shakey and teary. Haven't been that way in some time. I just shook it off and read the newspaper. I really hope he is wondering what I'm doing.

Had to send email to WS. No response from him. I have no idea what he is up to. Hope he's thinking about me.

haven't called and have had no response to my email. It's like he's fallen off the face of the earth. But I got a call from a friend today that had just found out and she was very positive and made me feel better. She said she supported any decision that I took. Which made me feel good.

Finally received a one sentence email from him. He was telling me about the credit card problem. I replied and thanked him. I don't know if he will call though. I feel sick to my stomach.

keep being silent and aloof. it is the only way he has a chance to miss you and to think about you. you are doing the right thing.

i would seriously consider getting the bills into either your name or his. i am sure you must feel a sense of somewhat control knowing you can view the joint checking account and see if and where and maybe who he is spending money on. i would be kind to yourself and not put yourself through that.

i remember going through what you are going through the second time my ex and i had separated. the best thing i did for me was the counseling and the moving on with my life. i remember my counselor telling me to "put the ball into his court" by telling him one final time how i felt and that the door was open when he was ready to talk about us, but until that point in time i was going to move on and live my life and not contact him or talk to him about R stuff period. and i stuck to that. I went to work, worked out a lot, kept busy, and left him alone. and, most importantly, left him wondering.

you can do this...

mlhb

Well I'm being silent and aloof. I'm working out like a mad woman at the gym. I like to tire myself out so I can sleep better at night. I've ordered new headshots and I've kept looking for a day job here and doing my usual stuff. Still no appetite. Don't feel like eating. But I'm trying. I wonder all the time if he is wondering about me. I hope so. I'm going to start seeing therapy lady only once a week now. I think I'm strong enough. We'll see how it goes. My anniversary is coming up. I don't know how I'm going to handle that. It would be our 17th.

I hope I can do this...

Well, haven't heard anything from WS. I guess that's not a bad thing. Because I get really scared when he does call. I'm just hoping that I'm not messing things up even more. And sometimes I think too much. And I have imaginary conversations with him because there are things I want to tell him, but I won't call him.

(((LA)))

I don't really have any advice... I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and that I'm praying for you and your H.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi Sunshine!

I'm just dropping by to let you know I'm thinking about you. I have been reading here a lot but not posting much and your thread is one I check regularly.

Just hang in there, Sweetie, you are going to come out on top of all of this and be a stronger person no matter what happens. I never liked hearing that statement when I first started here because I wanted to hear that I would be stronger with a stronger marriage. I'm sure everyone feels the same way.

But you know what? It's true!! You will get there, Milady! I did!

I saw your photo on the photo thread. I added mine but it's not in there yet. And one of Jonesy, before he was Mr. Gray, if that's allowed.

It is a beautiful photo but you know what struck me? The sadness in your eyes. It bleeds right off the screen and into my heart. I wish I could help to make you feel better. I look forward to seeing a photo of you when your eyes are blazing with happiness. It'll happen!!

Take care,

Charlotte

Sunshine!!

You haven't checked in today! I hope everything is okay! Let us know!!

Thanks!

Hello! I have been out and about doing things. I have been going out & doing acting things. Ordered more pics, worked on my resume & went out with some friends who put me into contact with a couple of casting directors. With the writers strike going to be over soon, CD's will start casting again. Good for me.

Have not heard a peep from WS. But I have kept myself busy & worked on me. Even got my eyebrows redone and bought some new shirts. Nothing in my closet fits and I think I've lost even more weight. Which is a good thing.

We'll see if what happens this next week.

Good for you LA!!! I'm glad that you're keeping busy.

Semper Fi,

RIF

You know, something is disturbing me about this. When reading how you are not contacting him and only talking about business when he does contact you....that sounds like Plan B to me. You haven't even been able to try a Plan A because he is not physically with you. I know I was one of those who said let him contact you, but it has gone on a long time now, and it could be getting to be too long.

Clearly you think he does not want contact, but I don't how you can do an effective Plan A and meet his emotional needs without it in some form. Rather no contact is enabling him to distance himself from you. (Not that I am advocating you to be 'in his face' or confrontational about the separation). So, if you want to try to win your husband back in some way you are going to have to sit down and try to work out his emotional needs, and then work out how to meet them from a distance. I know this is hard, because I had to do it.

So what did he like about you? What did he see as positives about the relationship. You might have to think back a lot of years to get some clues here. Did he enjoy your admiration? Is attractiveness an important factor? Is your independence or depepndence on him key? Was financial need a factor? Did he relish your sense of humour? Were recreational needs important to him? Look up the articles about emotional needs on this site and try to determine what he loved about you in the first place.

Then, write him an email, and attempt to meet some of those emotional needs that way. It is NOT a LB to tell the spouse how much your marriage means to you and that you want to keep being married to him. It IS a LB if you beg him. Stating the facts about how you loved his company, his sense of humour, his warmth, all the great stuff you love about the guy. Bring up great memories you both shared. Tell him how proud of him you were when...

Currently he might think, because there has been NO communication from you, that you don't care. OR at the very least, it will be giving him justification for not contacting you. What I am sensing here is, that this marriage could well die a quiet death because neither of you are doing anything much to recover it.

Now, a word of caution. This email may not change a thing. He might not reply. He might get angry or defensive. It might bring things to a head. But right now, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by gently reminding him why he married you in the first place.

If you DO decide to do this, post the email here first so we can see what you intend on sending. The reason I suggest this is because when you are right in the thick of it, you might not see potential LB's which will stand out clearly for him.

Give it some thought, okay?

Nina,

It's interesting you say send him emails... I counseled with Jennifer and she pretty much said the same thing. I'm supposed to send her a letter every 2 or 3 days. A letter with HEART and PASSION.

Since I'm separated that's really the only way I can try and meet her needs. The funny thing is we met on the internet... we chatted, emailed and talked on the phone for a whole month before we met in person. I'm sure conversation is one of her EN's.

Hi Amazin,

Well it was one of the things I did when my X and I were separated and in different countries. I would write to him regularly. I was also pleasant, funny, informative, loving and as relaxed as I could be when he called while in Plan A. I always asked how he was doing, shared the news of the kids, tried to sound like I was strong and handling things, inquired abut his work and recreational pursuits (no not the OW). It was hard. But at least I gave it a shot.

The reason I had stopped communicating with him is because it was a one way communication and it hurt me so bad. I would have major panic/anxiety attacks when he would not return phone calls or emails. So my therapist suggested I let him contact me and then keep the conversation very light.

But, our 17th anniversary is on the 14th. I have started writing an email to him. I will post it here first.

LA, this is painful, no doubt about it. I am sorry you are feeling so vulnerable. But you want to try everything you can to save your marriage, right? Painful times now may be just a blip later if it helps you save your marriage. And for me, no matter how it ended, I wanted to know I had fought the good fight. I still think I did my best. And that helped me a lot in my recovery. and I learned a lot too.

When I was here long ago and feared rejection, people would bolster me up to have the courage to go ahead and get through the next phase of the plan. And when I did face the pain, after he did not reply, or replied coldly, the people here were there catch me before I fell too far. So now I am extending a little bit of that to you, and others are sure to join in.

I think your anniversary is a perfect time to send the letter because the day holds precious memories for both of you. Please do your homework though, and really try to work out his emotional needs. They may not be what you think they are, once you sit down and really mull it over. Then try to address them in the letter. If you have trouble doing that, how about listing his needs here, and maybe some of us can join in to help you find a way to do it?

Ok, I'm writing out long hand on a notepad the email. I think better that way. Weird I know. But I'm working on the letter.