sink, do you realize that your lack of action is more likely to result in divorce than if you did something? What we are advising you is the most likely path to SAVE your marriage for your children. What you are doing IS NOT because your husband HAS NO MOTIVATION TO END HIS AFFAIR. Your conflict avoidance is not working. It is causing more conflict. It is ENABLING THE AFFAIR.

Sitting there doing nothing to defend your children's family is not FOR THEM, as you say. IT IS TO ASSUAGE YOUR FEAR. It is for you. NOT THEM. They don't benefit from your lack of action. The only thing your lack of action benefits is the affair and the infidels. YOUR CHILDREN LOSE.

THE OW WINS.

You are enabling an affair that will likely destroy your marriage and ensure that the OW takes your place. Will that be in your childrens best interest?

You are not taking baby steps, sink. You are taking NO STEPS. Nor are you getting stronger, but weaker. You just said yesterday that you are depressed and extremely emotional. This is because you are under assault and are becoming weaker every day. This how women have nervous breakdowns.

Chiming in here, Melody and Jamesus are giving you excellent counsel. I just want to add

DO NOT WARN HIM THAT YOU ARE GOING TO EXPOSE.

Just expose. All at once. Like Melody and Jamesus told you.

Then expect to hear "Now it's over! I'm leaving you! You are a horrible person! How could you hurt her like this." and on and on. He will be very upset. Addicts act like this when you take away their works.

The kids will "blame you" for doing absolutely nothing to save their family from this affair. They will know you did nothing and even allowed them to be friendly with the OW.

I told you it would take a 2x4 over the head. I do get it. I do...I will establish that boundry first in a hrad line. That's it, no contact with her, or we are done trying to make this work. I will also get myself together for what I would like to say to her. I thinks that's where I have to begin. I will do more, but I will have to take these steps first.

What did you plan on saying to her and what is your goal?

Also, sink, your children should never be around her or her children. If your kids are on some sports team with hers, that should END. Your family should never see hers again, even if you have to move.

Sink;

Atta-girl.

So -- no more contact. How are you gonna request that?
Have him write her a letter telling her that he is committed to his family, and his affair with her was unfair, wrong, and OVER. She should not call, visit, write or contact him in any way.

Then YOU mail the letter to her.

Next, how are you going to monitor the no-contact? He will need to be transparent. You get all passwords, access to all accounts. Cell-phone number must be changed or traded with you. GPS on his car.

Expose the affair. Its harder to carry it on with everyone watching! That will really achieve something.

It's such a shame that I can't trust this person...I have always been so level headed and trustworthy that I have to really get a grasp on the fact that I can't just trust that he will not contact her. Also, basketball try-outs are now, my son is not going to understand that he can't try-out...Oh my gosh! I don't know if my WH will agree to that. I know....I'm pitiful!

Who cares what he will agree to.. it's not like he has the best interests of your kids at heart. He's destroying their family with his choices.

Make a few of your own.

Tell the basketball association that your son not play on XXX's team because your husband is having an affair with XXX's mother.

That will allow your son to play -- with the assurance you won't see her at games -- and exposes the affair to a lot of people that will make the OW uncomfortable.

OOOOooooooh.. I like Lexx's idea!

sink, your kids are going to RESENT the fact that you allowed them to associate with this slut being completely ignorant of the fact that she is having an affair with their father. She is their ENEMY and they don't know it. Keeping this affair secret has harmed many people in this situation, most of all your kids.

I love it too...in another alternate world. I know it's what needs to happen...and I really don't want to waste your time. I know these are all things I need to do....It's just not the way I have ever conducted myself in life in the past. It is hard to make that shift in character...even though my very existance is being threatened. and....it really is a very good idea!

It might help to substitute the word heroin for the other woman. Hubby says if he can continue slamming heroin, it will all work out. He tells you that he just can't give up the heroin because it has been his friend.

I know I can't tell him about exposure, I just have to do it, can I threaten her with it? Or I guess if she tells him that I said that it ruin surprising him with it. I could tell her that if I find out that he got wind of the fact that she told him about our conversation I would tell everyone before he has a chance to stop me. I know she does not want this, even more than him.

sink, this does not require a character shift at all. It only requires a willingness to stand up for your children and your marriage. Something of which you are completely capable of doing TODAY. It is in your character RIGHT NOW to protect your children and defend your marriage. Self defense is a CHOICE, not a genetic trait that one has or doesn't have. You are fully capable of making that CHOICE.

I think that the sports teams issues can wait, but I think the first thing has to be that you tell your husband that this will not work unless he ends all contact with OW for life and sends her a nc letter. Tell him it is disrespectful and hurtful to you.

And if she is truly just a "friend" then it should be no problem dumping her since he knows it is so harmful to his marriage.

That is your first step. Ask him to end all contact and send her a letter.

When he refuses, which I suspect he will, you can THEN move onto the next step.

No, that won't help you a bit. Exposure is what kills the affair. If you threaten she can just be sneakier.


So you protect that Ho at the expense of your marriage and your children's family? WHY? Whose side are you on?

Just start exposing. By the way, expect him to be FURIOUS. They always are, but they get over it. Expose to work, friends, family, whoever is close to the situation. Don't warn anyone, because then they make up stories that YOU are crazy.

Sink --
This is not YOUR shame. Don't own it.

This is what MUST happen. Your son is protected. You are protected. The only ones who are not are the OW and WH -- WHO DO NOT DESERVE YOUR PROTECTION!

Why are you helping to keep their secret? And why do you want to subject yourself to a season of sitting in the bleachers with the OW who is trying to destroy your family?
Do you really want to have to watch your HUSBAND during basketball games instead of your son????

When you THREATEN OW with exposure here is what happens:

OW to friends: BW thinks her husband has a crush on me, and is insanely jealous! What a psycho!

OW to her husband: BW and WH are having problems and she is blaming ME, can you imagine? She thinks he is in love with me!

* * * * * * *

She will completely discredit you before you can tell ANYONE. Then when your story comes out, you look like a paranoid jealous shrew.

Thats why you have to pre-emptively strike. Without warning. Let THEM explain themselves. Let THEM feel the shame of their actions. And most likely they will decide that the affair is not worth the trouble, nor do they want to lose everything for it.

wow...very affective