Thank you for checking on me....I'm still not fine. I guess your typical roller coaster ride. He is telling me it will all be fine and that we will not be getting a divorce etc... I have made it clear that I'm not sure what I want anymore. You can't believe the huge response I just wrote, on and on, but then I saw how absolutely ridiculous it all sounded and deleted it. That's what I wish I could do to this whole situation.... just delete it.
So in summary, no, I'm not better I haven't done all the things I need to do, so my life still hangs in the balance.

Where does he live now? Is he still seeing her?(I guess the answer is clearly yes). What has he done, if anything, since confronted the OW? Who else know about the affair?

What has been going on since the last time you posted?

He lives here, I guess he is just trying to tell me everyday things will be o.k. and he will never leave, and at the same time, not giving her up. He's is It's been 2 months now. He only left for that one night, he was back at 10:30 that morning. Like I said everything is a roller coaster. Sometimes things are fine and we just need a break from talking. Then the next day he will be getting an apartment. Who knows. One day he told me that if I ever made him move out of this house and away from his kids he would hate me forever. Cause he thinks it is enough to tell me he loves me all the time and hold me all the time. I think he wants me to hold on to him and love him so hard he will be able to give her up, but we all know that won't happen. I already told him I can't hold on by myself.

Aren't you disgusted by that? Based on what you said, he's so in control of you and you're playing this victim role.

Whom have you told so far other than those three women who overheard the conversation?

The question you need to ask yourself is, can you live like this for 5 more days, 5 more weeks, 5 more months, 5 more years? If the answer is "no," what are you going to do about it, what are you doing to end this torture?

The longer you wait and do nothing, the more comfortable he gets, the more entitled he think he deserve.

that's why we got heated the other day... ( by e-mail ) I told him I was making an appt to see a counselor cause I needed to do that for ME to see where I stand... i said a whole lot of other stuff but that is all he heard he flipped out. That was the day he ended up saying he would get an apartment...then he said he couldn't do that to our children at the holidays and all.
No, I know I can't take it... she is around every corner. This weekend our son was going to a birthday party and she asked him if he could take her son there, cause her other son had a football game an hour away and she couldn't get him there. So he picked him up at the walmart...(not at my home for once) at least he told her she couldn't come here for once! so he stayed her for a few hours and I took them all top the party. He was scared to even ask me cause I would be upset, but he did! We had to turn in equipment on Sunday...there was an item that needed to be returned to him from homecoming. I got the message before I went up there saying that one of the other dads had the item and would give it to my WH. When I got there the lady tells me, OW took the item to give it to my husband. This was said in front of everyone. I felt like such a fool. When I got home, I asked him if she knows he still lives here or what, because she had nerve to change the plans and take the item...he will never get that she is working it for all it's worth.
He would never think of this as the nasty act that it was!!!!! H just said, I Love you, I had no control over any of that. I'm so sorry you were in that position...Blah, Blah, Blah...I can't escape her, and he doesn't want to, what am I waiting for. I told him she already has him taking the step-dad role.

So what are you DOING about it?

Are you ready to fight this?

sinkin, many people have said this before, but you're weak, because you're not fighting.

Think about it, if you were him, would you change? Of course not, he got everything he had, you, the kids, the house, etc. and at the same time, all the fun with his girl friend for a small price of some inconveniece and little heat from you. There has been very little consequences to his actions and ofcourse he will continue.

He used threats to keep you from doing anything. I thought you knew him VERY well and that when he first left that night, he is stuborn and will never return...what happened the next morning?

I know You are right...

It's not all because I am weak, some of it is because I don't know if I want to fight. I guess part of me wants him to fight for me, and if he doesn't then I don't want to be married to him. I have never been very self confident and now I spend all my time comparing myself to her when it really doesn't matter. I'm not better than a whole lot of people, but I have to start reminding myself that I am better than her. He has made the wrong choice here. The part of me that loves him wants him to see it and make himself "better". But another part of me thinks he made his bed........If he has been threatened with losing me forever, and hasn't stepped up to the plate and at least said he would try the no contact, what is there to fight for. ....I know see...I can hear you...you haven't made him make that choice. It's just that coming to that, brings my children into it and they will face certain pain!!!!!

What does it teach your children by seeing you allowing this behavior and do very little about it. Your daughter is probably going to let her future husband do the samething to her and your son is probably going to do the samething to his future wife.

Almost all affairs will eventually end, but I am not sure about this one, because you (as the wife) is allowing it.

I feel like you're dying inside and about to give up, so, why not fight?

For a succesful (recovering story) that involves a non-weak woman, check out the link below. Once she found out that her husband contacted this other woman, she kicked him out. Your husband will NOT be happy if he has an empty apartment and has to do chores on his own and for this OW and her kids and not able to get your love and see your kids. He will get tired of it and run back to you in no time just like he did the last time, most likely.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1&fpart=1

What would you do if you weren't afraid, sinkingin ?

I just looked at your toolkit...very enlightening. I think I am at the we are in this alone phase. I am just very sad... that's why I'm not fighting! I am so so sad! It's hard to know that he just doesn't love me enough. Especially for someone who has never even dated or even been interested anyone else.
I have always had to be strong. I'm tired of always having to be strong. I haven't had the easiest life... mom and dad split when I was 6 months... we literally lived in the projects. Just me and mom and very tough financial times. Always loved my grandparents... when I was 8 they moved away. Very sad!!! This was about the same time my step dad came along... not good... he was abusive in every sense of the word. The day I had taken all I could take and said I was leaving was the day my mom said not without me, and we got out. Had to live in different hotels for weeks while he tried to find us. It was about that time that my love of my life came along. After a long distance relationship for a year, we have been together ever since. It's always been he and I against the world. We were very hard workers and worked very hard to get ourselves to where we are today. It was never very easy. He was never very supportive of me and always expected a lot of me. I always was very understanding of him. Even with pregnancy etc. he always is just kind-of like... she can do it!... she's tough. and I did, and I am. Unfortunately this has just taken me completely off guard. Believe me I know that there a lot of people that have been through worse, I am very lucky for the life I have had, but I can't help to just be kind-of stuck here in my own little pity party!

I knew you were abused in the past, because you acted like a victim. Sorry I have to put it like that and be so honest.

Can you at least let him know how you feel, exactly how you feel. Tell him, you're very very sad; tell him you are about to give up; tell him, you're very dissapointed; tell him you can't go on like this anymore; tell him he has to choose. Once he made his choice ( I am reasonably sure it would be you and the kids), and if he break the primises, make him pay.

I wrote a response to your question about what if I wasn't afraid...It somehow disappeared so I will try it again. It actually didn't require much thought. I would tell him that I'm done. That if the threat of losing me and no longer living with his children wasn't enough for him to end his "friendship" with this woman then I can't continue living this way. If he actually disrespects me enough to think for a minute that I would live with things this way then we have no future. We can let the kids know in the very best way we can . I can't say I will ever be kind to her, but that I would try and have a mutual friendship between he and I for the sake of our children. I would never say anything negative about him to our children and I hope he would do the same. I can inform our friends of what has happened and he can tell his family and co-workers. I think it is best for us to live with no more secrets. I thought as awful as it was that he had an affair, we might be better to move on and maybe even build a better marriage, but the fact that it is two months later and she is still a part of our everyday lives means that I have to move on. I have tried to hold on, but you are holding on to someone else harder. So, we will take the next step.

sinkinin, You would be well advised to use the "ignore" function for BestAdvisor1. BA is unfamiliar with the MB concepts and is unconcerned about the effects of the advice he/she is giving.

You have a much better fighting chance to save and recover your marriage using the Harley's concepts and supported by the members who have used them. None of us know anything about this BestAdvisor poster, who seems "off the wall" at the least.

I don't see a "victim" in the above post; rather, I see a strong, intelligent woman who knows right from wrong, reality from fantasy. It has been long due for this strong woman to come out. When will this woman from the inside of you come out?

I know how you feel Sinking, honestly.Hurts doesn't it ? I never knew a hurt like it.

And you deserve a pity party....

But the pain won't go away until you remove the source of it. You must pull the arrow. Lance the abscess. Being rolled along by the flow of events that are controlled by the waywards is NOT the best thing for you kids or yourself. I know this to be true.

Its dreadful, enfeebling, destroying Sinking. You can do any one of three things in response:

1. Continue to tolerate your WHs behaviour while choking down your pain in fear like MIKE did ( click here) . His example is a cautionary tale as to what can happen if you don't take a stand. Mike "hoped" his W would see the light too. It was not good for his marrige or his family. Caution is not your friend right now. I KNOW this.

2. Divorce your WH as you suggest you would do if you were not afraid, while you are angry and in pain and not thinking straight. Even God (He cares for you at this time, even if you don't care for Him) allows it for adultery HE understands how uniquely painful it is for us. But divorce doesn't remove pain. The issues still need to be worked.

3. Be a HERO and set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.
Sinking your WH has never needed you to be a HERO as much as she does right now. He is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone, not you, God or OW.
Its your job to reestablish calm and a fertile environment for discussion. No-one else is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is scary, and you can't change the situation but that is your emotional response, not fact.

You owe it to your boys, yourself, your WH and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a terrible situation. Pity parties are no use - Harley says that - but you must make lemonade out of lemons.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.
Whatever either of you decides permanently while hurting now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a spouse than to be what their family needs in troubled times, particularly when she doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a warrior queen, not a maid. Take control of yourself and spread your calm through all your lives. Be restrained and objectived.

In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your WH needs you to save him from himself. Are you up to the challenge, Sinking ?

I'm just a bloke and I managed to do this against all the indicators. And I have never been prouder of anything I've ever done in my life. Understand that NOTHING YOU CAN DO
can make you lose your WH any more than he is already lost to you.

Study MB. Address your issues. Love your H while understanding the dynamics affecting his behaviour and thought processes right now. You wil be amazed how much more positive you will feel when you are taking affirmative, brave action against your troubles.

And it starts now with being the wife your husband doesn't currently deserve and the mother your kids DO deserve. And that means a SH1T load more than giving them a pity party.

Your calm and decency will shine like a beacon against the chaos of your WHs actions, and it WILL make an impression on the good man that is captive beneath all his fog.

Hunker down for the long run but DEAR GOD it WILL be worth it. My life is transformed now - genuinely happy from a situation where that seemed impossible. But you have to calm down against your every instinct and act up.

Stop the passive meekness. You're entitled to it but as Dr. Phil would say "how's THAT workin' out for ya?"
Read ALL the articles on this site. Buy "Surviving an affair". Sit at the feet of Mel, Ark, WAT, Just Learning ,Pep and the other battle scarred but proud warriors who have pulled SO MANY of us from the firestorm over the years. And have faith that you can do this.

Then start to identify people in OWs life that might apply a moral pressure on her if they knew of her affair. Her BH MUST know , don't believe the separating story until the BH himself has told you. WS lie even to their OPs.

Also have you exposed to your WH's wider family and friends yet ? Exposure is a very effective tool. I shared your fears about exposure making things worse, but how ON EARTH can this get worse ?

Even if it happens, your WH moving out is only a nett loss to you if you value the corrupt , toxic sham of a marriage you have right now over a dignified independence.

I don't stop by here too often but If I can help you can find me.

I leave you with my question again : "What would you do if you were not afraid ?"

I want to second this one.

Thank you, I know everyone else is telling me what I need to do and hear, but it is nice to hear it with a little compassion. I mean that with all of utmost respect for all that have tried to help but sometimes when your beaten down, even though people are telling you what is best, it's hard to face and feels abrasive sometimes. Thank you again for your input. I agree with everything you say. I do and have always tried to be stedfast and strong for my family. I always put on a good show for all around me. Usually people think I'm fine while I'm falling apart. It's a fine line though with my husband because there is being a sense of calm and support, and then there is being made to be a fool. I really am doing my best to get my act together! Thanks again.......

I hope you will copy BobPure's post and put it up somewhere that you can read it every day. He is really a MB success story!

sinkingin, you have not been posting, I guess it's safe to assume that you're not doing much either.