I have been here before...it started when my husband told me about his affair last November...since then almost a year we have been on this roller coaster and I am not sure what to do at this point. I will try to be brief.

Out of his own description of guilt my husband came to me and confessed his affair..said he loved her, had not loved me in years, and wanted a divorce. I was in absolute shock, since I had NO idea. I put him out of the house that night only for him to come back the following day and say he wanted to work thngs out. He stayed home until March of this year when I again asked him to leave. I asked him to leave because he was putting nothing into making the marriage or relationship work other than showing up every night. He moves out but we continue with a marriage counslor, and he tells me he is not seeing the ow. Turns out I found out Memorial Day Weekend that he had never stopped seeing her. He moves back home in June, after I catch him with her...I believe out of fear that I would take the kids and move out of state. That lasted two weeks...he missed her. So now he lives two miles down the road with the ow....I do not allow my daughter to go over there, and my eighteen year old son does not go. He is still a very active part of our lives. I am a nurse and he comes and watches our daughter while I work every weekend, we gave her a big 13th birthday party complete with limo, and we have been getting along great. Getting along was never an issue with us..maybe thats why I never saw any of the signs of another woman. I have worked on myself as well. I have lost down from a size eighteen to an eight, and have remained focused on my children, job, and trying to pull our marriage back together.

Two weeks ago, I was having a difficult weekend and my husband stopped by. I was expecting him because he as going to pick up our daughter, but when he came over he came upstairs and sat on the side of the bed and told me with tears in his eyes that he loved me, he had always loved me, and he always would love me. I was not wasteing my time waiting on him, and he had been putting back some money to move out, and hat he wanted to work on the marriage when he did. He said he knew he had not given anything to the marrriage but assured me that he would. He did say that he did not want to play the ow and me though and he had to take care of some things before he left. His plan is/was to get an apartment because moving right home is not a good idea, and I agree.

Of course I am hopeful but since coming to me it seems like he is not as excited about us. He came by yesterday and we put the cover ove our pool and he is just so business like. I did aske him what his stradegy was...was he waiting to tick this ow off so she boots him out or what. He said no that he was trying to save some money, so he could get a place, and that then he was going to have to tell her and quote "that may cause a few problems." He said it may be by Thanksgiving, but regardless if it was or not he had already told her he planned to spend the holidays with us.

I am not sure his heart is in to this. I am not sure this is what he wants...but then why did he come to me? I know this has alot to do with trust and me being able to trust what he says. He was always such a family man and so caring before this affair. I think to myself I have to give him a reason to want to come home....we are having lunch tommorow and I dont know I think we need to lighten up and have some fun....not be so serious and business like all the time. So I thought instead of him coming here I would pack a picnic and when he gets here jump in the car or let him get in mine and go enjoy a quick picnic.....surprise him with it. Something to get some spark back into our relationship...what do you think?

It sounds like you have a good balance of keeping your guard up and plan A.

His leaving OW and moving out on his own would be a good sign, but actions speak louder than words. You get to set the time table of allowing him back into the home if/when he proves himself.

Do you think maybe he was hoping you would ask him back into the home without the apartment trial period? Maybe with the claim of how it would save money, and move up the time line?

Pray for the best, but plan for the worst. Continue to focus on yourself and kids.

Mishes,

It seems like your WH is a cake-eater and emotionally this cannot be good for you. Have you considered going to a Plan B? Right now you are still meeting his needs on some level. It is like he has OW and keeps you on the side, sorta reverse A, not PA but EA.

I would definitely try to distance yourself from depending on him from everyday household things and don't let him hang around what is now your house. Can't the OW leave and he have his DD over there?

I really feel bad for you, it must be very trying. Going to a size 18 to an 8 is great, hopefully you didn't lose it too fast on the "A" diet!

Part A diet..but mostly stress..I lost my mother in July before he told me about the affair...great timeing hu?

The apartment is in her name. We talked about him moving back into the house vs an apartment but I am not sure that is a good idea. I do not want my children to see him walk out for a thir time. I worry that him moving right back home might put too much pressure on us both. Maybe the holidays will work some magic...I told him yesterday how excited I would be if he was in his own place by thanksgiiving. I think though mentally I am going to give this until the end of the year. I will continue to work on us, and me but if by Jan 31 he has not moved out I am going to just file. This is absolutly not what I want, and he says it is not what he wants but your right emotionally this is killing me. If not for my children I belive I would have had a break down. It is hard to open up to him now too, not that I am sure if he wants me to but there is so much I do want to say, I am just scared.

I started a new therapist last week. We are going to work on self esteem and self respect. This way either way it works out hopefully I will be prepared emotionally. I am scared though I want my marriage bacck and my family. I am going to try to keep it light and not bring up the subject of him moving out...unless he does. When he told me this I all of a sudden became needy again, this is not good...I need to maintain my independence, and try to focus on positives while he is around.

Mishes

""Turns out I found out Memorial Day Weekend that he had never stopped seeing her. ""

""I know this has alot to do with trust and me being able to trust what he says.""

The guy is a LIAR and a CHEATER. He probably has a third chick on the line. Why else would he move out on OW into his own place?

Think the worst and make him prove himself to you...over and over again.

NO PICNIC!!

IMHO

EDITED to say, I wrote that about his own place before seeing your latest post. Oh well, still could be true, he could have manipulated you to not want him back in the house at this time.

kirk

Mishes,

My husband did the same thing. He moved back home, pretended to have ended the affair, but continued it for another six months--all the while taking me to NY, and taking the kids to DW. He was a total [censored] the entire time. When he left (for the third time), I was pretty much relieved.

Then, he came back. He was a model husband for almost a year. I thought we were in recovery. But then the truth came out about his extended affair, and about several other affairs he had during our 25 year marriage.

So, I know what you mean by "tired."

I tend to agree with nabahio. He's cake-eating. I think you should give him a short period of time to DO what he says he's going to do.

If he doesn't, I'd go Plan B.

Ok here is the update....

WS called Tuesday night, I was depressed and on Marriage Builders reading/studying. He called to see if h made arrangments for our daughter this weekend (i work weekends) would I be upset if he went to Daytona (Bike Week) this weekend with ten guys. I asked him if ow was going and he said no that she had plans with her family to go to Atlanta. She has a daughter ten who she does not have custody of and she is taking her and going with her brother etc., etc. I told him I had never stopped him from doing or going anywhere he wanted and to go. I was sobbing on the phone and when he asked me what was wrong I told him I was getting tired of all the bs...that when he comes over and tells me we are going to work things out and gets my hopes up and then I see no action...I esplained it makes me not believe him, IO get anxious, and the whole triggor cycle starts again...his reply was that is probably because I have lied to you so much in the past but I am not lying this time...again I said actions speak louder than words.

We had planned to have lunch together Wed and he called me around noon and said he was on his way. When he got here I was outside had packed up the car and said get in...he asked where we were going and I said just get in we need to do something different and get out of the house. I took him to a park and we had a picnic..complet with radio, egg salad sandwiches and his favorite candy bar. I know it sounds sappy and like I am kissing up but we had a really good conversation. He talked about how our thirteen year old daughter is so much like me...he said "she is exactly like you, funny but sarcastic. I said if she is so sarcastic then how can you stand to be around her..his reply because I love her. I admitted to him that I had learned alot of things about myself this past year and that yes I do have a very sarcastic side to me, I became too cocky, and confident. I have judged people when I had no right and that I was working to improve this. His reply was well I have been a real b**[censored]. I did not reply to this, did not want to get into deep conversation..wanted to keep things light and on a positive note. So we finished our lunch, talked about how many hours we had spent at that part coaching, team momming, for our boys when they were young and played ball. It was relaxed for both of us.

We got back to the house and he had to go to work. He made arrangements for me to take my car in and have some maintanance work done, gave me extra money to cover the childrens unexpected md appoitments that came up this week. I again asked him if the ow was going and he assued me no. I said well give me some words to hold on to until you get back...he hugged me, told me he loved me and to be safe this weekend until he gets back.

It did not dawn on me until last night that last year before I knew about the affair he again went to Daytona. Later after his confession I found out that she drove up there and met him and while he was out rideing with "our" friends who had no idea there was someone with him..she would be in the hotel waiting for him each night. This hit/sparked a triggor. I suppose with him living with her it should not matter if she goes or not but the fact is it would be another lie....to me and to our daughter. I plan to go by there tonite and see if she is home on my way to work. I would love to call her on her cell and just ask her if she is on her way to Daytona....but dont want to because if she did nt go then I am sinking my own boat possibly...because I want him to know I am trying to trust him...and I am. I figure if she is not with him then I should hear something from him over the weekend....if she is with him, he won't call.

Input?

WH left for Daytona Thuresday morning...I chose to belive him when he said that the ow was not going but on the way home this morning thinking about it I decided to drive by her apartment...her truck was there. WH said she was going to Atlanta with her family maybe so...I feel she is with him though. I call blocked my phone yesterday and called her cell and she answered...of course I hung up. About ten minutes later WH called from Daytona and we talked briefly. He said his phone was not working properly and he left it here. He waws using a friends..I said well give me the number so in case of an emergency I will have a way to get you...he said he did not know the number and the other guys were out on their bikes..he would call later. Of course I went to work and have not heard from him this morning..don't really expect to..I just have this gut feeling he has lied to me again. I wish there was a way to know....

mishes, you should go into Plan B.

Well it is now Saturday and have not heard a word from WS. He knowswhen I am home and when I normally sleep. Neither of the children have heard from him either. I think you may be right abou plan B. I have been studying the mb board and ws is for sure a cake eater!! I have known this but by reading and studying the boards here I am realizing that my reactions are quite normal...ex: taking what ever crumbs he will throw my wa, me doing all the giving. I have to say though he is excellent with keeping up with the kids, paying his share of the bills, and doing really anything I ask to keep the house/family up. BUT..this is not enough..this I believe is a bite of the "cake" as well. If he just gives a little and keeps up with his share of expenses he can proceed with his affair. I have been feeling lately that he has things so made...it is easy to get past or break up with me when there is someone waiting in the wings, he gets to do what he wants, when he wants, he does not have to deal with the day to day issues of real life....I resent this.

He should be back in town tommorow. I am going to make sure me and the kids are too busy to be home "waiting" on his call...or his crumb. What if there had been a real emergency...it would be too bad I guess.

It has been hard for me to implement a plan b but I think I can now. I am going to back off.....if he moves out as he said he would then great but I am no longer going to take any more lies. I still wish I knew if she was with him...I have these awful thoughts of them walking the beach, having a great time.....its easy to do these thing when you dont live in the real world.

Help!

mishes, I would work on your Plan B letter, designate an intermediary and set a date to go dark. You will also want to change the locks if you think he will come into the house. A good Plan B letter, IMO, is at this link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

If I were a betting person, I would put the odds at about 100 to 1 that she IS in Daytona. His phone isn't working and he doesn't know the number to friend's phone, and hasn't called you back? Give me a break.

Personally, if it were me, I would drive on over to the OW's home and leave her a note on the door. I would let her know that hubby wants to move home and dump her *ss.

Then I would hand hubby his Plan B letter when he returns.

If someone wants to work on the marriage, they don't continue living with the OP. They don't go to Daytona with "the boys", they don't talk. They show some action.

Believer your points are VERY good. If he really was into fixing this marriage he would not go to Daytona...he would be focusing on taking action with us..me and the kids.

I came home this morning and gotright on mb...It was suggested to me to really study the letters others have written. I have been so emotinal this past year..normal I know. I do feel a sense of stregnth growing in me though. I am really upset about the way he has handled this Daytona trip but guess what...I have not cried..dont even feel like it. I suppose I am getting stronger. Your right I bet 100 to 1 that she is with him also....it is not worth the effort to find out though...let him play his game. I am going to look at plan b board this morning..it is scarey to implement this plan because it is kind of a last ditch effort but I think after a year I am finally ready.

I am to the point where his lies affect me less and less. It is hard to believe this is the same man I spent twenty years with, planned to spiend the rest of my life with.

I plan as I said to go out this afternoon with the kids and may even spend the night at a friends house....let him wonder/think we have left him. Let him wonder where and who we are with!

What do you think?

Yes, start getting ready for Plan B. Be sure your finances are protected so he can't use that to force contact. Look at any reason at all you would need to contact him, and eliminate it.

Don't think of Plan B as a last ditch effort. It brings them home more often than Plan A. Many WH's will prefer to have both the wife and the OW until one of them won't tolerate it.

And Plan B is very boring after all of the uproar, so plan to do fun things with your kids, things with friends, etc.

It's been a week of highs and lows.

WS did not contact me until Monday around eleven. I said it was good to hear that he was alive, and that the kids had been worried about him since they had not heard from him since Wed. He gave the excuse of someone who did bring their cell to Daytona left/forgot their charger...I suppose the old fashioned collect call no longer exist??? LOL! Whatever..I did not make an issue out of it.

I have not called him and he has called me each day. Monday afternoon he came by and gave me and the kids tee shirts he bought us while away...surprised he got me one but liked it just the same. I am trying to back off, not seem so interested without totally cutting him out.

Today our daughter made the middle shool basketball team!!! I was so proud of her and wanted to take her out to dinner. She wanted to call her dad and tell him and did. Knowing he would not go I told my da to invite ws to dinner with us, that we were celebrating her achievement as a family...he said he could not he had things he needed to do. I knew I was putting him on the spot..maybe trying to make him feel guilty..actually yes that is what I was trying to do. I sent him a text said the whole family was going...then another one that said this is a big deal but don't worry about it.

I tried to make him feel guilty but it makes me sad..I know he is on the fence..he could not go because he was at the apartment with her. You know Thanksgiving is coming up really soon, and remember last week he said I have already told her (ow) that I was spending the holidays with you all. I am sure he said with the kids/ or for the kids. I dont want to threaten him, I want him out of there because he wants to be but if he is not I am not sure I will do Christmas with him. Again I feel like he is chooseing her over his family.I dont want to push but I want to say ok when is all of this going to happen....I am tired of waiing either you want to work on us/and our family or you don't.

What do you think best stategy is?

Well the past twenty four hours have been interesting.

I was getting ready to take a nap before work yesterday and receied a call from a man (dont remember name) who asked to speak to my husband. I said he was not there and asked to take a message. He said he was from Expose All store and that he wanted to let ws know he ran his card last night, it did not go through and he was running it again this morning. I asked if this was a computor store, motorcycycle shop or what..his reply it's a lingerea/sex toy shop. My reply was good-bye. I text my ws to call asap and when he did I asked how much more bs I was going to have to take..he knew nothing about it and was furious. He said things were not going well over there, and he would be out soon..again reassured me nothing was charged. I called directory assistance and there is no such store here, or in the surrounding area. My guess is that it is the ow and some of her cohorts (sp?) ...things are not going well and she must sense it...I suppose the new is wearing off.

He called later that afternoon and asked me if I slept. I explained to him that I really had no reason to belive him but I did about the charges. I said I really wanted him to hurry and move out of there...he said he is/plans to. I said that I was over the affair and wanted to rebuild but that I had waited a year for him to come out of this fog but did not plan to wait much longer. Again he said that he plans to move and work on our family. I asked him if that included me and his reply was you are my family. I said you have always been such a good husband for twenty years, and I believed we had a good marriage before all of this happened..he broke in and said "and we will have a good marriage again." We talked about how we still are so close or good friends, get along so well ..we just have to get past this. His plans have been to get an apartment sign a short lease while we try to patch things up, and then move back home. At the time he told me this I agreed this was the best way because neither of us wants to hurt our children again by watching him walk out again. I did however yesterday tell him that I felt good about us, and that if he wanted to I would let him come home now but the affair has/had to be COMPLETlY OVER...I reminded him how the last time he came home in June that he went through withdrawal and said he just needed to hear her voice...I said I dont want you to come home and say that to me again...you have to be sure..

I need advice....am I crazy to believe him again? I think he needs to take action right away. I cant help but think that she has something on him..I dont know what but what is the hold up?Please please give me some input!

Mishes,

I have been where you are, and the best advice I can give is set boundaries!! I did not do this and ended up with multiple Ddays and false recoveries.

Set the bar high and don't waiver on your boundaries.

Good luck....

Well, Mishes, it sounds like your WH is not really committed to recovery. There is not one good reason to stay with this woman another minute if your WH believes what he says about "we will have a good marriage again". I HEAR a lot, but don't see much in the way of taking action AGAINST the affair.

In all honesty, why even spend time talking to him if he OBVIOUSLY chooses to remain with OW after all this time? I don't understand why you are not in Plan B. If you have offered the home as a place to begin your recovery, and your WH didn't DUMP that tramp right away, I think you've got a clear answer as to what his intentions are. It's NOT what he says mishes, but what he does that matters and speaks of his mindset.

Plan B is my input. It will save you so much of this worry, pain, attachment, anger. You will become more and more angry as the days pass and the next excuse is given. Why wait for that to happen?

YOU are sending him the message that you will endure all that he and OW lob your way, if only to get the chance to recvoer. There is no boundary in that, unless your boundary for relationships outside the marriage is that they are acceptable.

Please take this as I intend, to get you to examine what you can do to end this A, and ALSO protect yourself while waiting, either for D or for recovery.

Make it clear to your WH that you offer for him to return home, if that is really what is acceptable to you, and that he can return ONLY after he writes NC letter, delivers it, and cuts off ALL contact with OW, NO EXCUSES. What do you have to LOSE by doing this?

How much more are you going to take?


I guess you will be taking it for a while still.

Go Plan B.

Here is my delima..now!

WS moved out of the apartment with ow, and is staying in a hotel. He says that he wants to come home he misses his family and wants to rebuild our marriage. He came by over the weekend and I explained to him that if he was coming home to save face with his family over the holidays..then dont come back, If you are coming home because of the kids, and only the kids, then dont come home, if you are coming home becaue of the money you owe then dont come home. I explained to him also that although I do love him that I have gotten used to living alone, and I could handle it...he says he is coming home because he loves me and the kids and wants our marriage to work. He said that he wants to come home NOW but at the same time h does not want the ow showing up over here, or calling and harrassing us. Easy answer to that...change phone numbers, and if she shows up here swear out a peace warrent. We together have pretty much decided that he would spend a few weeks in the hotel and let the ow throw what ever fits she is going to throw ..throw without it happening in front of our children and then he wants to come home. So here is the problem:

I have a eighteen year old son, and a thirteen year old daughter..they are both pretty opposed to him coming home so soon. They fear he is going to come home and only walk out again like he did in June..after a week. . . and that is whe he moved in with the ow. I understand how both of the kids feel but at the same time I really want to start rebuilding this marriage...how are we going to do this if he is in an apartment for another few monthes? I know what my children have is fear, and they justifiably don't trust their father...they have watched me suffer through this and they dont want to go back to that and start over again. Neither my husband nor I want to hurt the kids ..they are the priority..but so is my marriage. I believe my ws when he says that he wants to come home. We have been getting along so well for the past monthes, and although I really have no reason to trust what he says either..I do. I want him to come home...now..but I also dont want to risk him walking out again. I want to do this right...

My ws says that he has to forgive himself..and that is a problem he says. I responded by saying that I forgave him a long time ago for the affair...and that he could forgive himself. How does a WS go about doing that? We both know we have a lot of work to do as a couple, and also as a family....where do we begin? I have been reading this site and studying...the reconcilliation stuff, meeting needs etc. I am scared also ...he ws saysthat we will have a strong marriage again..stonger than it was before..I believe we can.

Help...