My WH has the kids two nights a week and every other weekend. He has never taken them around the OW. He takes good care of them. I am grateful for that. I have read some stories about how the WS moves in with OP and brings kids over and stuff. I don't have to deal with that at least right now. I know the 6 months to 2 years for affairs to burn out. We've been at this a while. If I remember right he moved out once in May 06 came back home July 07, moved out again in Oct 07. He told me the affair started Oct/Nov. 05 time frame. It has been on again off again for some time. If my calculations are right then they have been at this off and on for a little over 2 years now. Unless I count from the time he moved out. Anyway, I'm looking out for me now. I still have a glimmer of hope as he has always struggled with this affair. He's never taken the children around her, told me he didn't want a divorce most of the time, he cried a lot when I was able to see him...I'm in Plan B now so I'm not seeing him to know if he still is. I'm really not thinking about it that much though. I know I can't do anything to end his affair. I just live my life and I will deal with him if he ever wants to come back.

Ani,

I gotta tell ya sister, your story sounds like mine did, except there was more than one OW. My FWH is home now, but it took me being strong and holding firm in my plan. His first affair started back in Spring of '05. It has been a long road, and it still continues, but it is possible.

Plan B is boring, for sure, but it also gives you an opportunity to invest in yourself, so take hold of that. Figure out what you like, what you enjoy, take on a new task, maybe help others in need. Good luck with the new job.

SL- Thanks for your comments. How long did it take for your FWH to return? Did he come back for a while then leave again? I'm stronger now after talking with Jennifer and having a Plan. I am a what if person and it seemed to stall my efforts at Plan B. I kept wanting to know how I deal with every possible scenario so I wouldn't mess it up.

We are going on about two years now. I am getting concerned because of the "most affairs end in 6 months to two years". At first he always told me he didn't want a divorce...but for the first time about a month ago he said he did. (with tears in his eyes) He had been angry prior to that because of some exposure to his friends. Maybe that promted it, maybe not. Maybe OW is putting demands on him. Anyway, he said it and I'm not as hopeful as I was before. The only good thing is he hasn't introduced OW to kids. After all this time I'm glad he hasn't done that. I feel like if he was in a really deep deep fog he may have done that. Somehow he knows that isn't the best thing to do. Sure it makes OW question why she hasn't met his kids, why he hasn't filed for divorce, why he still pays for me to live in the house and pays all our/my bills. Why he just bought me a new car in the summer etc. I'm not even sure if they are together still. Remember I had a conversation with her and she was crying and saying she was through with it all. I do think if they are together it probably isn't a bed of roses. She is wanting more than he can or is willing to give. I think that is going to put stress on their fantasy. Maybe he's happy and content now. Who knows. The good thing is I don't dwell on it anymore. I know he wonders what I do because the kids say dad asked what you were doing tonight and stuff like that. If he's asking he's curious for some reason.

PWC was in and out of the house thrice, over a period of two years, with two physical affairs in there. He left in Aug.05, then returned Oct '05, left again while NOT in an A (to my knowledge--he says not) in July '06, and returned again in February 07, left again March 07, returned the final time in May 05.

You see, it's just crazy, mixed up messy mess. Just stick to the plan, and any more false recoveries can be avoided. It's good that you spoke to Jennifer. You can already see the Harleys work working with you.

Also, just because an affair ends, doesn't mean the wayward mentality stops there. That takes a great deal of time to shake. This is why you have a plan. If your H peaks out and wants to reconcile, you have an iron clad plan that will be followed, that will give you a much better chance at recovery.

The best thing you can do now, as I said, is to nurture yourself, find what you enjoy, what fills you up and go for it, EXCEPT for dating or any close relationships with other men; this is a time for you to focus on you.

SL- Wow. What a roller coaster ride. I am very focused on myself now. I feel a lot stronger than before. So I guess there is still hope after all. It's funny but my gut feeling is that he isn't going anywhere. All this time I have prayed that he will get the help that he needs in order to return to our marriage. I know it is out of my control. I used to think if I was thinner, smarter, made more money, whatever he would want me back. I know he struggles with this. (he always says I'm a good woman). But, at the end of the day my feeling has been if he really wanted to end our marriage he would have already especially when the affair was hot and heavy and fun. I don't think it's that way because I know someone having an affair who has tried to stop many times. Yes, I counsel and tell all about affairs but as you know this one is different. This person is very confused, wants to stop, and is beginning to want more and more from the affair. I think WS affair is probably at the point where there is more conflict. After talking with OW it sounds like she's getting tired of being the OW. Maybe that's why my hubby moved out again. Perhaps she said i won't see you while you live at home with your wife. After I told OW that my hubby always said he didn't want a divorce, and that he said she could make his life difficult if he moved home. She said he misled her and started to cry. She said it makes her mad that he said those things. I informed her that he was lying to me why would he not lie to you. She of course had no idea he was lying to her. I told her we were together as husband and wife the entire time he was having an affair with her.(I didn't know about the affair at the time) That didn't go over well either. I told her I'm sure he is telling you he is coming over just to see the kids.(Right!) I think that planted enough of a seed for her to start questioning him sometimes. That doesn't make for a fun affair. When you spoke to WH about what I said I'm sure he said I was lying just to get her mad at me. She probably fell for it but deep down she'll always wonder if I told the truth. I really don't think it will survive. Anyway, enough about that. Makes me feel better that I'm not dealing with the lies and deception...I did long enough..she can have a turn. Thanks for listening. Still think there's hope????

There's hope until YOU are done, Ani. Even after that, there is hope that YOU will be fine and dandy, because you will be working on detaching and finding your own center. You will get past the days of just surviving, and back into joy. There is always hope for personal recovery; this is MOST important.

I know I will be OK. I have learned a lot lately and the most important thing is I will survive and life goes on. Funny, when my husband moved home last time he said you looked like you were happy without me. I responded I did the best I could given the circumstances but I'm happy with you home. He is a bit insecure at times. I just don't want to lose hope for our marriage...I know I will be fine. Is there a chance he could still come home after everything you've read?

It largely depends on whether he is currently seeing the OW or another OW or not.

Please DISREGARD the response from BEST ADVOCATE.

Of course, he can still come home!

My H and I have been RECOVERED for 4 years..after more than one FALSE RECOVERY...the last time he had moved in with the OW...

Are you in a PLAN? I'm not familiar with your situation.

Actually, no it doens't largely depend on this. That's just one piece to the whole shebang. Part of Plan B is showing your spouse what divorce would be like, and not the divorce of happy co-parenting divorcees, but the all-business, no personal stuff, no real connection with me anymore, kind of divorce. It's a huge dose of reality, crashing down in fantasy island.

Removing yourself from the triangle leaves your WH without you, without the choice of stringing you along anymore. Only then does the affair become truly challenged. Fantasy island starts to blend with reality. They (WS) are essentially losing you.

Up until recently, you have suffered false recoveries and had lots of attachment to your WH. Now that you are in Plan B, you will learn to detach, let him own his stuff, and become self-reliant; essentially learning to live without him. He will feel you slipping away. Whether this brings him back to his senses or not is not for us to say.

Look, PWC came home. I did Plan A (albeit poorly) and Plan B, and the false recoveries, and am now in recovery. It could happen to you, too. Now, if it doesn't, you will have kept yourself from the insanity of the wayward and grown stronger.

We can't see the future, Ani, so let's just get you back to living today.

Let me elaborate what I meant. If he's currently seeing the OW or another OW, chances are it will take him alot longer to return because he is not alone and his needs are being met. That will cause the BS to lose hope or unwilling to wait any longer. Thus the chance of reconciliation is slimmer compare to when he is not seeing anyone.

BA

BA-

There you go again, giving advice on a situation that you have not ever experienced.

Let someone who has actually had this situation occur in their M give advice.

Agreed, JT. I'm gonna try and keep a watch out on BA.

Ah, I hear you, but I have to say that without the BS being entangled in the affair, it loses it's luster. Not all is going to be fine and dandy for the WS, and they FINALLY get a huge dose of it.

My FWH had two A's, the second started a couple of months AFTER he left, so my sitch was pretty bad, because he left without there being an ongoing affair. I wouldn't say there is a slimmer chance that they will come back, but a longer time period to endure during Plan B. That is why Plan B is structured as it is, so that you can remove yourself from the drama and begin to heal and learn and lock away what love you have left.

Again, this is all just a guessing game, and there's no sense in reiterating the same things over and over again. Now that Ani is in PLAN B, it's time for her to work on herself, and drop the focus from WH. Make sure business is taken care of, that she is protected, legally, financially, and then get on with HER day. Time for Ani to care about herself, love herself, for her worth is not trapped up with her WH, it is inside her screaming to be tended to.

Hey Mimi,

Maybe you can begin to drop your mad wisdom on Ani.

BA says:


WRONG!! The relationship with the OW is not a NORMAL RELATIONSHIP and there's LOTS WRONG with it..although SOME ENs are meeting met.



WRONG again..



WRONG again.

You've MOST DEFINITELY not read SURVIVING AN AFFAIR which definitively explains the principles encouraged on this forum. You state your recommendations as FACT and I'm not sure what they are based on...YOUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCE? It would be OK if you did not have the personal experience and quoted from SURVIVING AN AFFAIR. Otherwise, you are talking off the top of your head. I thought you said that you want to be HELPFUL, BA. What do you view as the SOURCE of your HELPFULNESS?

Silent wrote:


**************edit*************

Ani, just follow the books and Jennifer's guidance. Anything we say here is secondary to that. If I would advise you on anyone to read up on here and listen to, that would be Mimi. She has helped me immensely, and is HIGHLY versed in Surviving an Affair.

SHE has survived the affair, and her marriage is healthy and happy; she lays it all out on the line too, she has posted her story here and is a realiable source of info and support.

I do think about my WH sometimes...as you've noticed I have not been posting as much. That's because I'm not thinking about him or our situation. Typically, when I post now it is because I need a little reassurance from the pros. I am doing a good Plan B now and honestly I really have very good self esteem...just because I do think about my WH sometimes doesn't mean my every moment is thinking about him. To act like everyday is perfect and all about me isn't the truth. I could write that but it would not be true. I see how far I have come and everyday I get stronger. I am not a light Iulb and I can't flip a switch and say I'm not going to think about him ever again. As the days go on I think about him less and less. Isn't that detaching. Isn't plan B doing part of what it is designed to do? I know I have nothing to do with his affair. I am partly responsible, but not really that much. I was a good wife, mother, and I'm a good person. I'm attractive, cute (maybe even pretty to some). I'm funny, happy go lucky, I just got a promotion, have great friends, I'm working out. SL why do you think I'm not working on me?