Good Lord, it's been forever!!!!!!I haven't been here for at least 4 years--last I remember is that someone gave me a Scotch blessing for some advice I gave and I became tired of this stuff and decided to leave for good. I first signed on in 2000. I was "Bernzini." I wasn't a charter member, but I remember the "old gang" fondly. I hung around until about 2003. I guess we have all moved on, and that's great.

After my husband's affair in 1998, we reunited after a year's separation and gave it a good hard try. However, in the end, I just let him go quietly, no more drama, and he's free now. I would rather it had worked out, but I can't say that I am miserable.

Anyway--what I need from you guys, if anyone wants to help: I am taking a forensic computer class and as a project, I would like to discuss internet infidelity and how it affects marriage. You know, porn, chat rooms, meeting singles, all that jazz. I would like to talk about how internet infidelity is discovered by the innocent party and how they deal with it. And if anyone is daring, I would like to hear from some of those who engage in this type of activity and ask if it's really an addiction to them and if they think that it is a threat to their marriage.

Okay, if you have any links, please share. Thanks so much!!

Mary

Mary, do you want perspective from BS view or only the wayward?

VERY INTERESTING. As a BS who recently found out my FWH has been visiting not only porn sites, but sites for married people looking to date, I would be bery interested to hear others views on this and maybe find some tips on finding out more (besides installing keyloggers).

I, personally, have never understood how porn can be considered infidelity. But, that is just my personal opinion.

Well your opinion is diametrically opposed to that of the Harleys and most of the MB members.

It deteriorates a marriage slowly. As the porn escalates and they start meeting people online for sex and affairs, it becomes a catastrophic event in the marriage.

It's extremely covert, so when they are caught (in my case it took over 25 years), the partner is left shattered, thinking her life has all been a sham.

It also breaks trust, forever.

Well yes and no.

the definition of pornography is as different as there are people...

some would consider michelangelos work pornographic as well an many many many other works of art...

some couples watch 'porn' movies together and incorporate it in to a very fidelity ridden marriage

some feel books are pornographic....

some feel that it is pornographic for a woman to show her hair to anyone else but her husband...

some feel the book of Karma-sutra is as well

I would be wary of introducing porn use in to a forensic class...

can't really see a link between physical crimes and pornography...the two are not equal....

like noted character traits that appear in troubled children/adults as noted by psychiatric association....

there is no link that people who view port enact more violent crimes that I am aware of...

also as noted above such varying definitions of it would lead to more of a debate with everyone trying to get their own agenda across...

more suitable for a sociology class..or religion class

can't see what the point would be in a forensics class

ark

As for whether porn is damaging to a relationship or not, my opinion is that if it is something that a couple does together, and only together, that is fine. It's when one person goes off and does it on their own - using it to fulfill a need instead of letting their spouse/partner fulfill that need for them. That is the road to trouble.

WW was into online porn at one time, but crossed the line and started chatting with guys at an online 'virtual bar'. The funny thing is that she gave up the porn for OM, with the exception of her and OM doing their own online 'porn' thing through IM with webcams. It was terrible (and still is).

I discovered this (the first time) when she started staying up really late at night on the computer. Being exhausted from long working hours, I did not think much of it at first, but one day she had to go outside really quick (chase after the dog), and left her IM window up. From then on, I started extensive spying and figured it out. It still isn't over yet, and things are really bad.

It's hard for me to comprehend that anyone who believes in the sanctity of marriage could accept porn. Think about it: You are getting off by watching someone else (a live human being) do something you would call cheating if your own spouse did. Is watching a movie of another cheating spouse, or viewing their poses (meant solely to stir lust in people they are NOT married to) pure and saving sex for your own partner? Of course not! If you get your jollies by viewing it, you are no better than the sluts (male or female) performing it, meaning you have the mindset of a wayward spouse.

What I am saying is what does that have to do with forensics computer class ???

viewing porn is not equal to criminal activity...

ARK

I learned quite a few useful data recovery / forensic techniques while trying to monitor my husband's porn use and affair.

It's quite useful as a snooping technique.

I later went on to make a several thousand dollars for a couple of companies by helping them figure out what information had been removed/deleted from their corporate computers by former disgruntled employees.

If you want to know what your computer is being used for, computer forensices can be very useful.

As for the other issue...I'll never understand why so many people (including me) agrees that emotional affairs are wrong, destructive and damaging ...because of the emotional energy turned towards someone else and spent outside of the marriage....

but so many people (excluding me) say that Porn use and masterbation is somehow OK - although it is sexual energy objectified and turned outside the marriage- nothing wrong with that!?!?!

Neither is having an affair.

When my husband looks at porn, he's cheating. He's putting sexual energy into someone/something that is not me. It takes away from my marriage.

my only point is that even the word porn is subjective....

and that in an objective class not everyone would necessarily feel the same way....

If I was in a forsensics class paying money to learn about forensics...I don't know if I would have interest in debating/defining porn...

not everyone feels the same way about it....

that's my only point...

I could care less about porn in and of itself....

ARK

Porn is wrong, period...together, alone, I don't care. It's bad because it dulls the senses, objectifies, creates unreal expectations, is addictive and leads to more risque behavior (affairs, phone sex, peep shows, escorts, etc). No one would argue that this is good for a marriage or for Christians moral and just.

But, I do not believe that average porn (looking at photos, novies of heterosexuals having sex) is equal to one going outside the marriage and physically being intimate with another person and then by virtue of the attraction or addiction being willing to leave one's own family and kids for this person that you barley know. This is where I think there is a difference, albeit it does not in any way make porn any less wrong or dangerous to a marriage.

Just my opinion.

Porn is wrong, period...together, alone, I don't care. It's bad because it dulls the senses, objectifies, creates unreal expectations, is addictive and leads to more risque behavior (affairs, phone sex, peep shows, escorts, etc). No one would argue that this is good for a marriage or for Christians moral and just.

that is an opinion
there is no clinical proof that porn leads to addiction otherwise all people that ever saw a piece of porn are addicts...AND engaging in risque behavior...



no clinical proof that it leads to more risque behaviors...

it is not a CHRISTIAN class that the issue was posed to be raised in....

it was a course that people paid money for.,..
again that is my point...

ARK

Actually, either insite would be helpful.

My husband started out with an obsession for porn. He then started enjoying conversations with women in chat rooms about sex, then cyber sex. He then decided to meet with a few of his on-line partners in real life and had affairs with several of them, one of these affairs lasted for over a year. This woman left her husband to be with mine, which was a wake-up call for him. He decided to end the real life affair, but continued to chat and email with her--a lot of graphics and dirty talk (it was easy to leave the real life affair b/c we had moved to Japan w/ the military.)

I found out by discovering their year's worth of chat log and emails--what a disturbing way to find out about your spouse's affair! After I confronted him, I left him for almost a year (during that time I discovered Marriage Builders which helped me find the courage to go back to him and give it another go.)

When I did go back to him, I found that he had spent the time apart EXTREMELY busy at his porn/sex talk hobby. And it continued even after we reunited. He was always telling people that we were divorced and separated, and engaging in flirtations on the internet with so many other women.

Well, in the end he wanted to divorce me while he was in Iraq b/c "he just didn't love me anymore." After 13 years, I finally just gave up and let him go. By this time he had moved into his own place and took all his stuff. He went to base legal and filed the paperwork and I had no choice to sign it. So, he is free to continue his hobby.

We are talking a man who is a respected Intelligence Officer with a higher that Top Secret clearance. He just left command of a CI/HUMINT co and is now in special ops. A few months after we divorced, an investigator came over and spent 3 hours interviewing me in a routine investigation to up-date his clearance. I told the investigator everthing that happened in our marriage. I am 100% sure that nothing will happen to my ex career-wise because the Marine Corps has a buddy system (some of his "buddies" knew even before I did--they even laughed at me when I called his office looking for him)

So, you might think I am the expert on this subject, but I am looking for input from others

THanks,

Mary

Mary are you looking at infidilty that started out with PORN then progressed from there? Or any internet infidilty?