Please forgive me for not having all the abbreviations down yet. Also I apologize for any offense I may cause anyone by posting, but I am struggling and there is no one I can turn to to talk about this.

My husband and I have been together 5 years and married for 2. We basically tried to break up 9 months in, got pregnant, and decided to try to make it work for our son. I was very invested in making us a family and actually I was the one who pushed for marriage. He wasn't so sure.

There has been something very wrong from day one. We just have never been able to connect. We go months without having sex. It took 3 days after the wedding before he would touch me. Begging for sex from my partner was an alien concept for me. Of course what I missed most was an intimate connection. He'd take extra work trips to avoid me, drink heavily, flirt and possibly more with other women, miss flights home, take terrible risks (like smuggling pot home with him from overseas). I tried to travel with him and he'd get drunk and abandon me... Simply wander off to go to the bathroom and never come back. I learned never to depend on him when we were in a foreign place.

I begged him to go to counseling. We did for awhile, but it was very hard to keep appointments with his work travel schedule. Finally, a year and a half ago I had a ray of hope. He disclosed to me that he had been sexually abused by an older boy as a small child. Suddenly I found myself thinking maybe it wasn't just me, maybe he wasn't actually gay (he had sexual experiences with a couple men before he met me), maybe he was just damaged and therefore "fixable". Well, he had a couple counseling sessions and decided he was fine. Nothing changed, I still felt rejected and punished.

Eventually I had it. I found myself checking out. I didn't want to keep hurting all the time. About this time, a year and a half into the marriage, he came to me and said he was finally "ready for a partner" and that he was sorry for punishing me all this time for "forcing" him into marriage. It came across as not genuine to me because it took me being ready to walk away for him to decide maybe he did want a marriage with me. I felt a deep anger that he would put me through so much, and think that a few words would fix it all. And though his actions improved somewhat, he was still behaving in hurtful and self destructive ways, and our sexual intimacy was still almost nil.

I now acknowledge I was wrong to push him for marriage. But I had a baby and believed it was the "right" thing to do. And I did love him. But so much for the "right" thing... Now to my terrible failure.

I stepped out shortly after he expressed that he did, in fact, want to be married to me. I'm involved in a creative project I love, and I turned a solid friendship with one of my partners into more. It has been going on for a few months. We both feel "in love" though I know better than to think it will all work out swimmingly in the end. My husband does not know about this. He and I are currently planning divorce (he would rather not go through it but he recognizes we have huge issues and is coming to accept the idea).

There is a part of me that doesn't want to give up my marriage and all it stands for. My precious 3 year old has grown up so far with 2 parents that are more semi-roommates (when my husband is in town) than partners. But I am so devastated at the thought of hurting him. And I do feel guilty. I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation.

But I feel as if I can never reveal the truth about my A. This creative project that I hope to make my livelihood would end. My husband might want to go through with the divorce anyway if he knew. My son would find out his mother was an adulterous person not worthy of regard or respect.

I can't stay in this and never tell my husband the truth. We will never have true intimacy. So I feel as if ending the marriage is the only viable option. But it is tearing me apart. I feel like a giant fraud all day long. My health has collapsed and my soul is sick over it. Something has to give and I don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I also recognize I am only presenting one side of the story. Despite the way my husband has treated me, he is a loving father and deep down, I believe that he is a man with good intentions. He is driven by addictions and troubled sexual wiring, IMO. I do think he loves me in his own way. As I love him in a way still, despite my behavior indicating otherwise. I know that in choosing him in the first place and acting the way I am now, I am messed up too. Perhaps our individual disfunctions are what brought us to gether in the first place?

It doesn't matter what the state of your marriage is, it does not entitle you to have an affair. There is no excuse for an affair.

The most important thing here is that you tell your husband the truth. You have no right to withhold pertinent information from him about his own life. To do so is to keep him in a marriage BASED ON A LIE for your own selfish purposes. LIKE HE IS YOUR PET. If he wants a divorce, then that is HIS CHOICE and you have NO RIGHT to deprive him of that choice only because you want to use him for his money. That is despicable, manipulative and cruel to defraud someone into staying married to you so you can have access to his money.

So, the first step is to tell this man the truth, Sioban. No one here will help you continue to defraud and manipulate this man.

ditto Mel.

Thank you. I know you are right. Nothing he has done (including very strong evidence he had an affair as well, though he won't admit it) justifies *my* behavior. So, I should tell him even if the divorce goes through? Kind of like offering him greater peace of mind about the whole thing? Or is that just giving him more pain to have to deal with?

Yes, you should tell him NOW regardless of the state of your marriage because he is ENTITLED to the truth. This is pertinent information about his life. He is a big boy and can handle the pain.

Also, there is no reason that your marriage has to end. All of the above problems can be resolved with a little work and a lot of TRUTH. But the first step must be HONESTY.

Ok. I appreciate the directness of your responses. I have not thought of myself through this as despicable and manipulative but I see how looking at it from the unbiased point of view, I really am.

I wish I had just bitten the bullet much earlier and left the situation. I almost had the marriage annulled when it wasn't being consummated. Guess that would have saved everyone a lot of suffering.

My son will get to grow up knowing his mother was a lying and despicable wh*re. Ouch. Guess the lesson here is the one everyone knows in their intellect. Affairs can NEVER turn out to be a good thing. Thanks again.

Good luck!

And you might want to get some counseling. You married your husband despite all the red flags. Now you have a lover who doesn't mind dating a married woman with a child. I'm sure you think he is Mr. Wonderful, but more red flags are waving for the rest of us.

He'd take extra work trips to avoid me, drink heavily, flirt and possibly more with other women, miss flights home, take terrible risks (like smuggling pot home with him from overseas). I tried to travel with him and he'd get drunk and abandon me... Simply wander off to go to the bathroom and never come back. I learned never to depend on him when we were in a foreign place.

I would not advise anyone to stay married to person like this....

There is a part of me that doesn't want to give up my marriage and all it stands for.

here's the thing...

you've never had a marriage...you've had a nice dose of an abusive relationship....

of course NONE of this justifies or rationalizes the affair...
but I think based on your level of unhappiness...you know darn well the affair doesn't fix any of the real issues...

you are married to a man who doesn't treat with respect AT ALL....


I say

seperate from your husband....

if he is serious about creating a true nuturing partnership...then he has a ton of work to do....

like quit his job
quit the drinking
etc
etc
etc

I don't throw the abuse word round lightly...

but
abandon a wife once...shame on him
abondon you over and over again...shame on you...
see what I am saying....

the affair...awful messy stuff...that needs to end...
BUT
so does his load of operating crap

ARK

Yes, I definitely will get my head checked. The irony is that I really thought my husband and I were "supposed" to get married because we had a baby together. That it was the "right" thing to do. Then I turn around and do all the wrong things only a couple years later. I clearly have character issues and emotional problems.

Ok.. let's not get passive aggressive here. Most of us BS's recognize that.

Nobody is going to feel sorry for you for having an affair.

Now.. you -do- have a lot to evaluate about your marriage, and ARK is right.. neither of you really have much of one in the first place.

YOU can however decide what is -right- for you, and your life.. I'm sure all of us are pulling for you if you make the decision to be the best mom you can be for your kid.. choose the road of honesty.. and get yourself some counseling.. maybe your husband too if you care about him..

Yup, gotcha. I didn't really think anyone would tell me I was in the right on this site. If I wanted to hear something like that I could probably have found a message board for cheaters that might have bolstered my "position." No, I really just wanted to post and get unbiased responses even though I knew there would be criticism of my actions.

My husband cheated on me once when we were dating, before the marriage and I well recall the hurt I felt over it. It is amazing though the rationalizations of the human mind when it chooses sin and gratification over the right thing. I know I have been in an abusive situation with my husband. I wanted to stick it out for our child and for the ideal of a family that I held in my mind but things have only gotten worse and worse.

My father in law once told my husband he himself had an affair and never told his wife. They are still married after almost 40 years and she has still never found out. This confuses me somewhat, since they seem to be very solid and quite happy together. Maybe that's where I began to question disclosure. If I ended the A and stayed in the marriage, or if I divorced my husband and never told of the A, would that automatically be the wrong thing to do? I have heard elsewhere that if it is just to assuage your own guilt it isn't always best to tell. But that's not what I am hearing here.

I know what is important is addressing my own behavior. I do want to try to salvage myself enough to be the best parent I can be, given what I have done. I am feeling really hopeless at this moment about being a competent parent, since my life can never now be any kind of example to him. These sins I have committed definitely feel like a scarlet letter. But I am truly sorry.

Sio,

Welcome to MB.

Two comments after skimming your thread (okay Three):

1. Every human being has the right to know the reality of their own intimate life. Despite whether your BS would decide to D or not, he has a right to know the truth and make up his own mind.

2. For a WS (I am a FWS), I think the journey really begins in understanding why you would choose to deal with your own personal unhappiness by escaping to an A. Look to the root cause of this self-medicating behavior. Why didnt you have the courage to leave this unhealthy situation in the first place? Note that it will also take great courage to face your BS with the truth today, something you also dont want to do....for a similar reason? See the link?

3. Even if you are going to D, and do love your career project--stop the A. Telling your H will help in this matter. I can predict that your initial response will be to list in your mind all of the reasons why this is not possible (professional interests for example) but the reality is that you cannot move to healthier ground if you do not stop the A. You cant. You need to get healthy to get into a healthy relationship.

Have the courage to get healthy! Good luck and keep posting.

P.S. You are concerned about your son knowing that his mother had an A. I, personally, think it is better to have a mother who WAS a liar, than a mother who IS a liar. So long as you dont tell, you lie. Food for thought.

There is no justification for dishonesty. Perhaps your FIL has lied to your MIL all these years, doesn't mean it is right or that they are happy. [people are not made happy by illusions] When your MIL finds out about it, and she will, she will be doubly traumatized from 40 years of lies.

What if she wouldn't choose to be married to a cheater? Isn't it her right to make that choice? How arrogant and cruel to deny her that right. To not tell her is cruel, manipulative, selfish, and DANGEROUS. He keeps her in a marriage based on FRAUD, like she is his PET. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Again, it doesn't matter if you divorce or not, this is information about your husband's life to which he has a RIGHT to know. Honesty is the solution to infidelity, not more lying.



No one has suggested you tell to "relieve your guilt," but because he is entitled to know. Your guilt is irrelevant. And you will feel guilty anyway, so I don't understand the logic in that argument. It makes no sense. [I suspect it was concocted by a wayward mind] If anything, you will feel MORE guilty after you tell him, because you will have seen his pain.

I think I am starting to grasp all this a bit better. I am really grateful for everyone's input, for taking the time to respond to someone who is more likely than not akin to "the enemy". That is compassionate. And I also appreciate the tough honesty. This has been tightly bound in my own head and it is taking a little time to expand and grow clearer in the light of day.

Why have I been such a wimp about all of this? That's a good question and a place to begin in understanding myself.

Siobhan1,

It's my guess that if the divorce is already in process, the news of the affair won't change things much

except financial things - if you live in a place where infidelity affects divorce settlements.

If what you say about already being on the divorce track is true, then I don't see why you are worried about letting him know the full truth about the marriage.

He should know why he feels so disconnected from you.

Because you have feelings for someone else - and don't feel that way toward him, and he likely senses it. That can make the BS feel odd, and without an explanation, lead to very uncomfortable feelings, and a sensation that they are losing their minds when in fact, they are dead-on right.

So, yes, let him know that you are "in love" with someone else.

And don't be so surprised when, after the divorce, about two years down the line

when you aren't

"in love"

with your affair partner anymore.

Do a little research. You will find that most affairs run out of gas once exposed. And that the relationships that do "hang on", well, they mostly don't last much more than a year or so anyway. So if you plan on putting your eggs in the OM's bucket

they will turn into pumpkins in a couple of years anyway.

Look into yourself.

And you might want to read this site after your divorce, and before you enter ANY new relationship.

Do a little work on yourself. So the next time around, you have some idea of why this relationship didn't work.

And why it isn't going to work with the affair partner.

And how to make it work with a man who isn't willing to begin a relationship with a married woman (like your current affair partner is!) - a man you SHOULD begin to look for AFTER your divorce is final.

And AFTER you leave the other man.

And AFTER you have figured out what is going on in your life to make you pick such winning examples of men to

"fall in love" with.

Reality bites.

SB

Siobahn,

There is one scenario you didn't consider in your list. Maybe your husband WILL fess up to the suspected prior adultery you mentioned above...the two of you will connect in radical honesty, decide to try to recover, recover and actually create a Marriage Builders principled marriage of extraordinary care.

It really ALL does start with honesty.


BTW, here is a link to another website where if you sign up for their newsletter it will give you a free downloadable copy of the webbook entitled "31 Reasons to Stop your Affair".

It is an excellant breakdown of the prats and pitfalls of your current thinking. Regardless of what you do in your marriage, it is business that only relates to the two of you. Third parties are a distraction and are unhealthy for YOU. No matter how you slice it the affair MUST end.

Here is the link ---- > 31 Reasons link

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

why is your husband currently planning a divorce....what brought him to this point....

also is he does he continue to abuse alcohol and other things...

ARK

You need to replace the word "only" with the word "easiest" and then you would have been correct. Doing the right thing is not easy to do. If it was, everybody would be doing it. I think these are the steps you need to take.

1) Stop the divorce for now. You can always divorce later.

2) End it with OM and have NC with him for life. I know you are sacrificing your creative project (now), but you have two choices. Have it end badly now, or have it end badly later. At least if you do it now, you'll be able to respect yourself for doing the right thing.

3) Tell your husband about your affair. Tell him everything. He needs to know. Don't leave out any details. Also, tell him that you want to make it work with him, but that he (you) needs to make some changes (as well as you) if it is going to work.

4) Call up Dr. Harley and get some marriage coaching to help you with your situation. Some things that need to change are him traveling all the time, the abuse, etc.

If your marriage doesn't work after all of this, it doesn't work. At least then you can say to your daughter that you did everything you could to have her grow up in a two parent household, and that you didn't leave her father for another man. You don't have to (and shouldn't) have another guy lined up before you divorce. It's just wrong.