Trashy irresponsible parents beget trashy irresponsible children. This OM doesn't even have shame.

This is great news (depending on how far Florida is from you). Likely the WW won't commit to OM either, and it will take a commitment from her to get her to move to Florida. Doing so would probably mean giving up all rights to her children, and then she would be on the hook for child support. If she moves, her BH should file for legal separation and get custody and child support. You see, WS's don't like consequences and reality, and she will get a big slap of both if she loses her children and has to pay a huge chunk of change for child support.

Also repeated calls to him and his family will start to cause friction over time. Just because your call didn't SEEM to have an affect, doesn't mean that it didn't. The fact that he is moving bodes very well for your SIL. In fact, the OM in my situation moved away assuming my WW would follow him. Guess what? Never happened. Once I started standing up for myself and not allowing her to contact OM, the A died a quick death.

YMD,

One thing you cannot do, is "educate" your daughter on this. She is in the middle of an affair and anything that suggests that this affair, and this man is NOT right will be rejected. Help your son-in-law as much as you can, but also expect him to educate himself.

If your Daughter suggests that it is not her affair and OM, then suggest that she have no contact with OM for 6-8 weeks, and see if things don't change in her views. She won't go 6-8 weeks without contacting OM, because she is addicted to him.

You are doing a good job and I know this is very very hard on you. Make sure you take time for yourself and also suggest that son-in-law does the same.

Hang in there, most affairs do end and then the real work begins.

God Bless,

JL

If your SIL cannot continue like this much longer, it is time for him to go to plan B. You can find out more about plan B in the Q&A and articles links at the top of the page. Your DD still goes over to SILs house all the time and is still getting some of her ENs met by him. Now he should protect his love for her by cutting off all contact with her until she has agreed to his plan B conditions. Usually these involve:

1) NC w/ OM for life.
2) Complete openness and honesty.
3) MC
4) Respecting all his other marital boundaries to protect this from happening again.

At the same time, your DD will start to hurt because she isn't getting some of her ENs met by your WIL anymore. The OM probably cannot meet all her ENs, so the A starts to crumble, and she winds up coming back to the marriage. Have your SIL over, and we can help him prepare for plan B. Is there a plan B expert here at this forum that is willing to talk to her SIL because he doesn't have internet?

Thanks for the advice, I will print out the infor on Plan B so that my SIL can read it. I had a long talk with my D this morning and I am having a hard time telling if she is just playing a game or if this is really effecting her. She crys all the time and tells me that her H will not forgive her even if he says he has and she can't see working on this and then him saying no he can't forgive her.

I told her until she quits with the OM nothing will be resolved and she says he is only being supportive and her friend right now. I also told her that she needs to forgive herself and she at this time can't.

I hope she is truely starting to feel remorse and not playing us so she can continue seeing the OM.

YMD, this is a clever WS ruse to rationalize staying in an affair. She is not done with her affair or she would be looking for ways to come back and earn his forgiveness. Don't pay too much attention to her babblings. She is in the throes of an addictive affair.


And the reason she can't forgive herself is because she is still doing something WRONG. Forgiveness has to be earned.

YMD,

Did you inform her as to what the OM said about her?? Does she know he expects her to leave and go to Florida with him?

I think she does and I think you telling her what OM said will make either him a liar or her in this little matter that OM is "just a friend".

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Oh man what a roller coaster ride this is gonna be. All of her crying and saying no one can forgive me and I can't forgive myself so how can my H. I deserve all of the pain I carry. What a bunch of Crap. She is now out with the OM and turned her phone off.

If I meet her today I would not like this person she is now. My daughter and I are very close since her father was killed in a car accident when is was 10, and I choose to raise her and be the best mother and father I could be. We have been through a lot, me surviving cancer, working 2 jobs to help her through college. I just don;t understand the way she is acting.

She has asked her H to come to her marathon on Sunday, but yet she is out with the OM tonight. H is of course devasted but I gave him the pep talk about no LB and not take any of her calls and I will not be there for emotional support either, let the OM do that since she has made the choice.

You guys are great and I have printed out lots of information for her if she does choose to come home to her H.

Thanks

YMD,

Now if your daughters H is in plan A, he might want to come out and support her. It is part of meeting her needs. I would strongly suggest that you or SIL go to Barnes and Noble and get Surviving an Affair by Harley. It lays out this stuff and the mechanisms of affair pretty well.

Of course she doesn't think he will forgive her, she does not want to be forgiven right now. She is still in the affair and forgiveness would mean the affair has ended. What she won't know but you do know is that he loves her far more than she loves him or herself for that matter. That can change once the affair is over.

Please read about plan A and talk to SIL. Also see if you can find that book and let SIL read it. It is easy reading and it is NOT full of psycho babble. It is told from the point of view of couples going through exactly what SIL is going through. He will recognize many things when/if he will read it.

It is tough rearing a child by yourself. You should be honored for your efforts and you like SIL did NOT have any say in this affair, so you should not take any of the blame.

Hang in there and help SIL as much as you can.

God Bless,

JL

Needing major help here folks. My D was with the OM last night and then calls her H this morning and wanted to go to breakfast. They go and she says she would like him to sign the divorce papers so her attorney will not charge her more money to have new ones drawn up. He says will I am really busy at work right now, but I will think about. They go on to have a nice day and end up at H's home which is the martial home and talk and one thing leads to another and she iniates sex with H.

He used protection which is good, but now she is saying she loves him and they can be best friends with benefits. H thinks that this is part of Plan A, leaving her with good feelings and hoping this will bring her back.

She has called me and wants H and I to attend her Marathon on Sunday and plans on having all to dinner Monday night to celebrate.

I have told her H that this could be let me have my cake and eat it to. H stated that she said he didn't have to sign the papers just make changes and then send them to her attorney and after that they could just not sign the papers.

H has been dealing with this great, he has gone out with friends, gone to horse shows and done major stuff around the house. She is the pursueing him.

Where do we go from here?

Maybe her husband should contact the OM and let him know about the great sex they had together.

That she is "cheating" on the OM.....

Hmmmmm


I don't know.

I think maybe husband and mom should go to Plan B right after the marathon. Hug her, give her the letter, and have an attorney have LS papers wtih custody of the kids to dad ready to go for next week. Let her go to Florida with the dream-slacker.

After all, once you're sitting on the beach in FL with your dream-slacker, no job, hungry, nowhere to sleep, mom won't talk to you, husband won't take your calls, and you haven't seen your kids, and your dream-slacker turns out to be a controlling lazy child, and the sand chafing the crack of your butt, you might begin to think about your not-so-bad marriage. And go home to reality.

Maybe she will figure this out sooner, rather than later on the beach.

SB

YMD,

Can't you get your SIL to come here?

When she brings up D, he must tell her that he doesn't talk D....only M.

And he must also let her know that IF she goes ahead w/ the D, they will NEVER be friends. That's something she needs to understand. It's part of her fantasy that everything will work out peachy keen. And all will be friends afterwards.

She needs to know that's not how it's going to be.

Try to get your SIL to come here.

Hang in there!

~ Marsh

OK went to the Marathon today for D and H rode with me. She finished the race and beat her previous record, asked us to go to a horse show that was in town, so H agreed and we all went. Had a wonderful time, H and D got along great, she reached for and held his hand the whole time, they laughed and joked the whole day.

It was very nice, and I reminded her at a bathroom break that we would not have had this nice of a day if the OM was with her. She just looked suprised and I didn't say more.

She later told H that this day did not change anything and he just laughed and said you want to go get a beer and preztel. She put her arms around him in the car and fell asleep on his lap. Her cell phone did not ring one time or she had it turned off.

Just keep us in your prayers and I am still reading and learning and have given H a bunch of material to read, and also got him the book Surviving an Affair.

Thanks all I will keep you posted and let me know your thoughts.

Sounds like he did an awesome job, Yes! Tell him to just continue to make lovebank deposits like this and the OM will pale in comparison. Can he not get himself a computer and get online?

Ok I am the BS and it is my wife who is having an affair. We have been having some great times together, but she still insist it is over. I don't think she has stopped contact with the OM.

I am doing what I call Plan A and Plan B, I do not contact her unless she contacts me. She has moved out to a friends house and she will do all the contacting. When she does I am very upbeat and happy, we went to breakfast on Sat and Sun spent the entire day toghter. She left for her place Sunday night and I was a little down but didn't show her that.

She is in contact with the OM but I think that is slowing coming to an end. She stated that she can't be in our martial home now, but maybe later. We have not talked R and I am just taking it one day at a time.

I do not have a computer so my MIL is printing off stuff for me. so any thoghts I am open to them?

I sure hope that I can save this M because I do love her and want to grow old with her.

Thanks

Yes' SIL

You are doing a real good job. You are making love deposits and she will feel them and remember. Your WW is a CLASSIC cake eater. Don't take to heart anything that she says. Really. WS follow a script and she is doing that now. Plan A when you can. Don't look pathetic or needy. Be a man that any woman would want. Work on you. Your WW will notice even if she doesn't comment. Be strong.

BTW, your MIL is awesome.!!

Hang in there SIL/BS ... you're doing GREAT!!!

I hate that you're going through this, but I love to see proactive BHs that take positive ACTION to save their M from their WWs. You're getting good sound advice, and dammit, you're following it!!!

I have nothing to add ... just support for your continued strength from one "good ole country boy" to another. Keep it up, man!!!

First off, I totally agree with those who have commended you for being a mother who stands up to her adulterous child!!! VERY RARE these days!!! I think if more people realized it was like an addiction, and that the things adulterers declare should not be believed (claiming the marriage is 'over'... that they are 'in love'), then more people would choose to NOT 'support' it when their friends or relatives get involved in adultery. The stand you have taken is similar to a parent choosing to confront their child who has gotten hooked on alcohol or drugs. You are doing the right thing to help your daughter shake this powerful addiction. Good for you.

I also agree with Marsh about the unlikelihood that the OM will move out of his parents' home, let alone move to Florida and take your daughter with him. He sounds like a momma's boy to me, still living at home at 30 years old. I would have laughed in his face if he voiced that plan in my presence LOL.

And I agree with Jim that even though your phone call to the OM didn't seem to have any affect, it most likely is. But because of false pride, spite, stubborness (whatever) the adulterers feel a need to hide the fact that exposure spoils the adultery.

She seems to be under the delusion that cake-eating (which is common during Plan A) can become a premanent arrangement... IMHO your SIL should stay in Plan A for now. She apparently realizes she DOES want and need certain things from her husband (um 'friendship'...) For now, as long as he can stand it without losing his cool or self-esteem, your SIL should allow her to get her needs met... But then when he goes to Plan B he should make sure that ALL her access to him comes to a screeching halt and that the ONLY way she gets to continue having him in her life is by ending the adultery.

If her adultery partner REALLY was worth leaving her husband over then she would not be still wanting to spend time with her husband, wanting to dictate that her husband still be her 'friend' even though she wants a quick divorce. She doesn't want to admit she's made a big mistake and doesn't want to give up the OM... BUT she also is showing clear signs that she also doesn't want to give up getting her needs met from your SIL. Your SIL needs to make it crystal clear that once the divorce is final (and/or once he goes into Plan B) she loses her husband and will ONLY have the OM. Again, regardless of all her let's hurry up the divorce talk, she thinks she's going to get to keep both men.

It sounds as if your SIL is doing a very good Plan A. Doing a good Plan A will give him the confidence he needs to STAY in Plan B once he gets there without caving.

Addictions are evil. With a mother and husband who TRULY love her enough to confront her, she stands a much better chance than most of coming through this with her sanity intact. Right now she is tempted to take the kudos and 'support' of those who fail to oppose adultery because she's afraid to face her guilt, afraid she can't be truly forgiven. You can assure her that it is BECAUSE she is loved that her bad choice is being challenged. Deep down she knows who really loves her, and yes, loves her enough to forgive and help repair the damage she's causing.

Thanks so much for the reply, but did some major damage tonigt. I am out of town for work and using a friends computer, but when I called her tonight the OM answered her cell phone and I went crazy. Yelled at her, she is staying at our martial home taking care of things while I am out of town. She said he didn't come into the house but was outside and she went in to get something to drink and he just answered her phone.

I had my Dad drive by and no one was outside but his vehicle was there. so called and told her this is it, she is still lying and I can't take anymore so I will sign her papers as soon I see my lawyer and get out my life. I asked her if this is want she wanted and of course she said yes. I asked so there is noway you want to fix this and she said I didn't say that. I asked did she even love me and she said I didn't say that. You said you were done and I dont want to talk about it anymore.

Now I made the threat out of anger but I guess I have to follow through, even if it isn't what I want.

Help with any suggestions.

Thanks

You HAVE to follow through? Really? Is someone putting a gun to your head? If it isn't what you want, don't do it. Especially since you know you only agreed to do so in a highly emotional state. You know you did some damage. Don't make it worse by signing papers.

Also, it is not unreasonable for you to request that OM not answer your WW's phone nor be in your home. But 'going crazy' and yelling are probably not the best ways to make those requests.

Oh, and don't ask WW if she loves you. If the answer is 'Yes' you'll be confused by the fact she's spending time with OM. If she says 'No' you'll be hurt. Plus it won't help you end her A or rebuild your M.