Your daughter is basically killing all the love your SIL has for her. Your DD's affair will eventually end (sooner rather than later), she will get through withdrawal, and she will want to reconcile with your SIL, but at this rate he won't want anything to do with her. That it is why it is ESSENTIAL for him to go to plan B before your DD kills any chance at reconciliation. Plan B is as much about protecting the BS's feelings for the WS, as much as it is about killing the affair by starving the WS of ENs the BS was meeting. Please talk to your SIL, get him to this board, or get him talking to someone from this board, and get him into plan B with an intermediary before it is too late for your DD's marriage.

Thank you all for the replies. I will ontact SIL and see if he can get to a computer since he doesn't have one. He knows the name of this thread so he can check it out.

He is writing the plan B letter as we speak and will be going to Plan B. He is a very proud man and this is just to much for him, but he doesn't make decisions lighty either. My D seems to be the only one to do this. I told SIL about the fog and since she is still in contact that withdrawal can't happen.

My D has called me and I have spoken to her about her decision and she is now saying maybe it isn't the best one as of yet. She said the when she went up to the bedroom to get more of her clothes she saw a list that H had made and it was about her needs and making her happy and how he felt that if they could get through this how much happier and stronger their marriage would be. I let her know that this could not happen without her being a part of the repairing 100%.

She said that when she gets the papers she will not sign them and think this through. I think this a good sign. She is starting to come back to her oldself. I know you don't know her but this is totally out of charcter for her.

WE are trying to get her back to church and mean it, not just go through the motions.

SIL is hoping that being in Plan B will help him also, he is reading all the books you have suggested and also will be going to a christiam couselor since he believes that this is the only way to be true to his religion.

Hopefully this will end with them on the road to recovery but if not hopefully we can all heal.

Hi guys, I am the SIL and don't post often since computers aren't my thing. MIL has pretty much filled you in on what has been happening. I am not sure where I stand in this whole mess, on the one hand I want my marriage to survive but it isn't looking like W wants it to.

She will be moving to her new place on Monday, we had a 2 hour discussion last night and she showed me a list she had made for her couselor and most of it was stuff like make myself a better person, work on self confidence, get over feelings for OM. I was #8 on the list and all that was figue out if I should stay with my H. I told her I didn't see any reference to GOD in her list and church and doing the right thing.

I told her that all the things on her list could happen and work on the marriage at the same time. I showed her my list and it had 50 things on it the most important was going back to GOD. I told her how good she would feel if she worked on the marriage and we were happy.

We seem to get closer and then she pulls away, I asked her if she had any happy memories and she said no. We spent a wonderful Sunday together, just hung out raking leaves and jumping in them, cuddled watching TV and cuddled in bed all night. Then she see her couselor and she wants a D.

She now wants to just date and take it slowly coming back to the marriage, I don't know how much love she has in her love bank since she has no happy memories.

I am thinking to hold off on Plan B and see how the next month goes, and then go to Plan B if needed.

Any Advice.

SIL, I think you will grow to hate her if you wait much longer. I also think that your presence has an enabling influence on her and removes her motivation to make a choice. The OM meets 1-2 top needs, you meet 3-4. As long as she can keep you under her control, she can have her needs met in both places. If you went into Plan B and went DARK, the OM would never be able to fill the loss of your absence. That will kill the affair. Your W needs you badly and as long as she can keep you around she can continue her affair.

Her affair will crumble, it is just a matter of time. But if you continue to stay in contact with her, you will HATE HER GUTS by the time that happens and your marriage really will be over.

This has been so bad, SIL, that I don't think you should wait to go into Plan B. Your W is a cakeeater and allowing her that status is not in the best interest of your marriage. Staying in touch with her like this reduces the possibility of a future reconciliation.

I also think that you have a strategic advantage by going into Plan B just before the holidays. The absence of her family at holiday time will be a very rude awakening; perhaps the rude awakening she needs. Thanksgiving is 2 short weeks away. Can you imagine how creepy it would be to have to spend that holiday with the OM and his creepy family? People who don't care about her?

She is wavering..go to Plan B now. If you wait much longer your love bank will be empty.

She is obviously a cake-eating, fence-sitting, addict. She will continue to contact and try and start things up with the OM unless you make her hit rock bottom. Go to plan B. Your plan B conditions should include:

1) NC w/ OM for life.
2) MC and IC with a pro-marriage counselor of your choice.
3) Move back into the marital home.
4) Complete honesty, openness, and accounting for time.

Honestly, I would make her call Steve Harley before ending plan B to get her on the right track before she came back. Trust me, she is most likely going to come back to you. The only question is whether or not you still want her when she does. Plan B will only expedite the process and save you a lot of heartache in the meantime.

Thanks all I will be going to Plan B on Monday. That is the day my W will be moving out her stuff and I want to be there to make sure she doesn't take anything but her clothes.

We had a coversation last night and she seems to be coming around. She still contacted the OM for some closure, she wants him to tell her he doesn't love her anymore. OM is not responding.

She is started to take responsiblity but not quite all yet. I think Plan B will be benefical for me as well since I haven't sorted out all of my feelings yet. Sometimes I pull closer to my W and then others I pull away. She seems to pull closer and then away also.

I have couselors all ready to go if and when we start the recovery process, I will be going anyway. The couselor is a strong christian and believes in marriage unlike my W's counselor.

Thanks will keep you updated.

I agree with everyone who advised that now is a good time to go to Plan B. She has basically admitted she thinks she can put off making a decision for another year! She wants to spend that year acting out in all sorts of other ways inappropriate for a married woman (why she 'needs' the divorce NOW), and then she 'predicts' she will finally admit that she is making a mistake. IMHO she wants to: get a divorce ASAP, live as a single woman dating lots of guys for a year, then come back home to good old X-hubby...

It sounds as if the OM meeting her needs anymore might not even be an issue. It's more her memory of what the adultery was like pre-exposure that she is craving. She's starting to realize that returning to that stage with this particular OM is probably not going to happen. He's been lying to her about WHY he's ending the adultery because he doesn't want to admit to her that he was just using her for some fun... So for a while she will try to make all kinds of radical changes in a VAIN attempt to get/keep the OM in her life - based on the excuses OM claimed were the reason for dumping her. But she will eventually catch on that OM never intended to be there for her forever. However, she has figured out that she can get a similar high from a new OM, and IMHO that is a big part of her motivation to stay apart from BH for a year to try some things she can't do while married...

IF she is going to a counselor, she is lying to the counselor, or she is lying about what the counselor is telling her, or the counselor is an idiot. I would tell her that I don't believe she really is going to a counselor - see if that prompts her to provide the name of the counselor as 'proof'... IF she is going to a counselor AND she is telling the counselor the truth, then the counselor would at least be telling her not to make any major decisions in her current state of mind, especially since she is so undecided.

Moving in with the mother of your son-in-law's child is just plain desparate IMHO. She obviously has no plans to support herself completely anytime soon. She probably initially assumed she could stay living @ home while dating OM on the side, then when that didn't work out she thought she would be living with OM's parents, exposure helped ruin that plan, so now she's found somebody else to live with. BTW, would this woman condone your daughter bringing dates around her home and son? Oh yea, I forgot the OM's pretense that he was going to move to Florida and take her with him - LOL. I'm sure that sounded like a great, adventurous pick-up line but something he is not grown-up enough to pull off (because it would involve him moving away from his mommy & daddy and supporting himself).

Sorry you and your SIL are being put through this malarkey. It does appear that the OM is not very interested in your daughter anymore so that at least is good news. She most definitely is not receptive to anyone trying to tell her or teach her anything. She seems determined to keep up her rebellion, assuming those who really love her will take her back in a year.

Good, you've got a plan. Now you need to stick to it. It's going to be difficult, and she's going to try and reach out to break plan B, but do not let her back until she meets all your plan B conditions.

My SIL will be going to Plan B come Monday since that is the day my daughter will be moving. I had dinner with my D last night and she states it is over with the OM since she did meet him thursday night for closure and he told her that he could not be with her since she is married and she cheated on him with her H so he could never trust her. D said it lasted all of 15 minutes.

She talked about her M and I listened. She basically said that she thinks if the get a D and then start dating they can start over. She also said she doesn't love her H like she should and she needs to move on and quit going back to what is comfortable. She did say that H had made a lot of changes but she doesn;t think he can keep it up.

While at dinner OM set her a text message asking is she OK and of course she answered. I told her that the only way she can heal is NC, but of course that went over like a lead ballon. Then she goes to H's and asked him to go out dancing with her, H goes and of course he checks the cell phone and they fight, but end up spending the night together.

He thinks with all the things she is saying that the M is over, but he is willing to try Plan B come Monday and he is giving it until after Christmas.

Any thoughts.

he needs plan b, she is still in contact. i wouldn't do plan b for her, he needs to do it for HIM. a person can only take so much hurt ya know? he needs to protect himself.

mlhb

Well, D moved out last night and it did not go well. H stayed at the martial home to make sure she only took her stuff. He then gave her the plan b letter and locked all the doors and went to the bar. He is there for about an hour and D shows up, SIl then gets up and leaves without saying anything. D starts yelling it isn't over, I love you. SIl just keeps walking gets in his truck and leaves.

She calls and calls about 15 calls, he goes home and she follows him, he just goes in the house showers and goes to bed, she stays outside crying and calling for him.

She finally leaves, and then this morning he gets up and of course she is asleep in her car. He gets ready and leaves for work, without saying a word, she ask for a hug and kiss and says I love you. He doesn't say a word just goes to work.

i applaud his strength. i think he is doing a great job. good for him. maybe, just maybe now she will start to turn around. make sure he doesn't let her back in until she follows the terms of that letter...

mlhb

Wow... OK I had assumed that your daughter's dramatic emotions were mostly about the addiction to the adultery. But she apparently feels just as needy about keeping her husband in her life too. She sounds as if she is either hitting the bottom finally. Unfortunately some folks persist in wallowing around in the mud a LONG time before admitting they've bottomed out...

It sounds as if she belives these emotional displays (sort of like tantrums but with her playing the victim of people being mean to her by not allowing her cake-eat) will convince her husband (and you?) to just drop the Plan B conditions and allow her to continue contact with the OM.
It doesn't sound like your SIl will cave to that sort of emotional blackmail though.

Good for him. And in the long run - good for her too.

Does she have any history of using similar tactics in the past? What do other relatives and friends think of her emotional outbursts? Has she started hinting or threatening suicide if she doesn't get her way?

I can't remember, does she work? If so, how is all this affecting her ability to perform her job?

Also, is she still living with the mother of SIL's little boy?

Yes, she just moved in last night which is what started this. SIL gave her a Plan B letter when she moved last night.

She is a college graduate with at good job in the medical research field.

She has seen her couselor this morning and has texted her H that she is ready to put this marriage back together and will write the NC letter and also agrees to a Chritiam Marriage Couselor of her H's choice. However, she signed a years lease and doesn't want to move home just yet, she would like to go to a few couseling sessions first. H is not sure what to do at this point. He also needs to examine his feelings.

No...she shouldn't be living on her own. There's no accountability that way.

Perhaps if she had moved in with YOU there may be some leeway to these conditions but she needs to be somewhere where her stated words can be verified to insure her actions match her words.

In essence...she needs help breaking her addiction. Doing it on her own...cold turkey is NOT going to cut it.

She can always go bankrupt and get out of the lease. She may even still be in the recission period...meaning many states allow you several days to reconsider such contracts and back out. She must try now...it would be aweful to have her come back to SIL along with some huge debt that HE will be expected to help pay (whether directly or indirectly).

All conditions must be met. She's breaking. Negotiations merely make recovery harder. Blurr the outlined requirements at your own peril.

Mr. Wondering

WARNING******NON-MB SPECIFIC ADVICE BELOW******WARNING


It seems to me your SIL needs to give her an ultimatum. I know MB doesn't agree with them...but I know it worked in my case.

He needs to flat out tell her that if she's moved out, if she's seeing OM in ANY FASHION...she's not his wife, and she's no longer part of his life. PERIOD. No two ways about it, he will NOT accept less than her as his WIFE in his life.

PERIOD.

Again, MB doesn't support this advice...this is based off what worked in my situation. But I'd also like to point out, he's got to MEAN it. He can't waffle on that either. If he doesn't feel that way, then it won't work.

Just sharing my thoughts.

AGAIN...this was NOT MB based advice, so take it or leave it at your discretion.

I would have your SIL call up Steve Harley, explain his situation to him along with his plan B conditions, and then give your DD Steve Harley's number to begin the recovery process if she is truly ready to commit to the marriage again. Steve Harley will be able to talk to your DD sensibly, and he will be able to gauge whether she is actually ready to follow through with NC and recovery, or she needs to linger in plan B longer.

Do you see the power of plan B?

Plan B is still intact. D has contacted the OM as early as last night by text and telling him that she has moved to her new apartment. H checked the messages on her phone when they were talking about couseling and getting back together. She says she doesn't know why she keeps contacting him, but he still wants nothing to do with her.

H asked her about the NC contact letter which he feels will do no good at this point since she is contacting the OM, and can't really tell if the OM is contacting her. H told her that it would never work if she didn't fully commit and stop contcting the OM. H said look it would just be a waste of time, and I can't continue getting hurt.

She says she loves him and wants to work on their marriage and she thought he would be more excited, H told her you still don't get it.

He is back in Plan B.