I filed for divorce as my H is living with OW and has had many affairs in our short 6 years of marriage. Tomorrow is our court date. Nothing won't be finalized then but we will discuss and negotiate custody and aspects of the divorce. I feel so sad today. I even text him this morning and asked, "do you want the divorce still?" He has not replied back. So I assume that he does even though I filed. I still do, it is just hard to let go and realize that my marriage is really ending. He has hurt me so much and why do I feel this way? I should be happy that I am moving on. Part of me feels that way and a part of me is sad because I do still have feelings for my H. I lost respect for him for what he is doing and the example he is setting for our kids. There is a part of me that thinks he could change but I know I can't do it. He needs to change on his own. I can across old love letters and cards and how much he loved me and cared for me. Sometimes I don't understand how we got to this point. It is so sad how one's decision can affect so many lives. I just feel my life is at a stand still until this divorce is over. I am trying to find myself again and learning to be a single mom. It is hard. I am 7 months pregnant and sometimes I get frustrated with my 4 year old boy and yell at him. He is the one that is getting me through this though. Any encouragement would help. I am just feeling down and hope that one day I will completeley get over my STBX and love another and be loved.

you are doing the best thing in my opinion. my ex had multiple affairs as well. leaving him was the best thing i could do for me and my kids. i am sad that you are pregnant and going through this though. i never understood a man who could leave their pregnant wife. there is something wrong with that. or who could have an affair while their wife is pregnant. you are better off without that.

i am in ny too! i think the laws will favor you here.

mlhb

My position is to move with my kids 2 hours away which is where I am orginally from. My H will fight me on moving. It would be so hard to stay in this town and really get over him if I do have to stay here. It is just hard cause I feel my life is on hold depending on what the judge allows and what we agree upon. I know my H has done terrible things to me, I don't understand why I feel sad that my marriage is really ending. Maybe it is just the idea. I hope things go well tomorrow.

Suzanne...I am so sorry for your grief and stress. I know what you are going though. I am 27 years married and found out in May H was having A. He pushed me for a D since Jan and I hadn't a clue why he would not work to help the M work. I was devistated until I discovered about this A which goes on right in front of me now -- and him with no remorse.

I have 2 grown DD's. I try so hard NOT to get them involved in this messy D. One D said to me yesterday as she was leaving, "Mom, stay strong!" I still have feelings too but then I think about what he has done.

So I say to you Suzanne. Stay strong. You have that little boy who needs you and a beautiful new baby on the way. Look forward to that. It WILL get better and you ARE better off without him.

I think you are mourning what could have, should have been. And that's natural.What stinks is that no matter what you do, you'll hurt for a while. However, the hurt will go away sooner when you divorce him.

I actually disagree that you will get over this man faster if you move away. Staying in the same town and seeing him with her and dealing with him will destroy all your feelings for him. It will be uncomfortable and painful, sort of like getting a deep cavity filled without novacaine. But once it's done you'll feel a lot better.

Moving away you might allow yourself to believe it wasn't that bad. You may forget his bad parts. Hopefully, though, your family will remind you frequently what a nasty creature your ex is. After all, isn't that what family is for? (Joking)

In all seriousness, if you can move near your family, I think that's best. As a single mom, you'll need all the help and support you can muster, and it sounds unlikely that your STBX will take a sick child on a day when you have an important meeting.

Suzanne,

Here's a link to an law journal article on the NY custody relocation laws.

LINK ---- > NY CUSTODY RELOCATION LAWS

Upon perusal you should discuss and strategize this carefully with your lawyer. Your stated "two-hour drive" is a little vague. You COULD relocate to a place somewhere in between and getting an exact mileage MAY help you and your attorney make a decision on how to proceed.

One consideration. DON'T indicate you want to move until AFTER you've got the divorce and custody situation established. You may even attempt to shape the custody agreement to make a relocation petition more palletable (sp?). For example...instead of the customary every other weekend and Wednesday evening visitation....maybe try to get him to agree to just every other weekend and more extended visitation over the summer vacation and holidays. This will negate the supposed hardship he would endure if you move because his Wednesday evening visitation is cumbersome.

Further, it appears one of the factors which will allow you to move is whether your WH follows through with the actual visitation awarded. If he does...no big deal...you're not asking to move to far and your in no worse position to request the move than you are today...however...IF he fails to take all the visitation awarded or other circumstances which you document than your relocation petition will be enhanced dramatically.

Finally...IF you petition to move in the midst of the divorce and initial custody negotiations and dispute the fact you want to uproot your child(ren) to another locale may be used against you if he wants or MAY consider seeking primary custody of the children. He may not seem to be pursuing that today...but throw in a bitter divorce fight, custody dispute and him actually totalling up the numbers he'll have to pay for child support he may change his mind and take you on in hopes of perhaps 50-50 custody thereby reducing his support obligations dramatically AND pretty much prohibiting you from EVER moving 2 hours away.

Choose carefully.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

mr. w, your post gave ME some good info i did not know...
thanks for it!

mlhb

Suzanne,
What transpired?
I'm curious because of the move comment.
How you craft the agreement can determine whether you can move, and in state is far easier than out of state.
My agreeement says 45 minutes distance, and my x took me back to court even though I abided by that. Judge was PO'd about wasting him time.
But it seems if you want to move, do it early in the process, and before the kids are established in school districts because then it becomes harder to do. As in more to prove in the best interests of the children. After all, that is what truly matters.

Lots of drama has occurred. Went to court and our lawyers just talked in front of the judge while my H and I waited. We were in separate rooms. Anyway, all that was established was visitation for my H during this process and child support for me. The judge awarded me $130 week for my son plus $62 a week for daycare expenses. Now I hear my husband is asking his mother to watch our son so he doesn't have to pay for daycare. However, I have a huge daycare bill that he needs to start paying on. I have been paying daycare that is taken out of my paycheck bi-weekly. My lawyer stated that there is no court order for me NOT to move so I could up and leave but tell my H where I will be. However, his lawyer can petition to have me move back until their is a final order.

We go back to court in two weeks and the court appointed a law guardian for my 4 year old son. Does anyone have any advice or information on what a law guardian does for children involved? Anyway, she will ask my 4 year old questions and pretty much determine if moving would be detrimental to my 4 year old son. He is in pre-school for 2 1/2 hrs each day and then goes to daycare. Since my H left 6 weeks ago to live with OW. He has only seen my son a total of 9 hrs. I have been the one doing all the parenting, feeding, clothing, disciplining, etc. When his Dad comes by, he is the Fun parent and gets to spend. I think that is unfair if they don't consider that. Sure at times I have to spank my son cause he is talking back or being a typical 4 year old. They also want Baine to see a child psychologist.

I have a 13 year old step son who has been living on the couch over at this OW's apartment. My H is living with OW. My step son's mother also filed a petition at family court that she be awarded temporary custody until my H can find a permanent housing situation for my step son. She wants him to have his own room and she has every right. She called me today and my H and her were fighting over this. He is out trying to find an apartment now. Well, I leave my house today to visit a girlfriend and I see my H and OW two houses down from me standing outside of a house. The OW saw me drive by and I am sure my H saw me as I drove by. There is a vacant apartment two houses down from me. I about flipped out. I can not imagine if they live two houses down from me. I am not sure if they were visiting someone or looking at this apartment but either my H is doing this to rub it in my face or to try to see his 4 year old son more. I have no idea.

If the courts state that I have to stay here in this dinky town so my H can see his son, then so be it and there is a reason for everything. I am just leaving it up to the Lord. I will keep the house. I stated my H can keep the house if I can move but if I stay here I want the house and want to sell it. My H is starting to alienate me from all of his family too. I am really close to his family and he is calling them up asking them not to talk to me cause I am trying to take his son away, etc. I have no family down here and it is hard. I do have my job and friends at church. I want a fresh start, I want to be with my family, I want to take my kids to more cultural events (I want to move back to Rochester, NY), the church is stronger up there. My H might very well win to keep me here but I want to fight and knowing that I at least tried makes me feel better.

I am due to have my second baby between the end of november and Christmas. I usually have my babies early. My H might then petition to start seeing the baby which he will use to see his kids which might work against me too. It is really frustrating cause I don't know what will happen. My H never wanted this baby and called me a "trapper" when I told him I was pregnant. He said that he didn't want to have anymore kids. Yet he is with this OW who has a 5 year old son.

Again, anyone have advice about court appointment law guardians for children?

i don't have time right now, but yes, i can help you with the law guardian issue...

mlhb

mlhb, thanks. I heard that my H's OW went over to my stepson mother's house to apologize to her on behalf of my H. I guess my stepson's mother and H got in a fight and he was really rude. I have no idea what the purpose was for that. The OW said that she knows how my H can be talking rude and yet she is still willing to put up with my H's crap, well it won't last for long. They are trying to find another place to live so my stepson has a room. Luckily, she told my stepson's mother that they looked at two places but didn't like them. I pray they don't move two houses from me. Why would they even consider it. My H wanted to move back home with his mother and this OW threatened to leave my H if he did. How controlling is she now. This OW is all that my H has to survive right now. Obviously, this divorce is not waking him up to see that he is losing everything. Oh well, it is his lost. Just have to stay strong. Somedays it still hurts and other days I am grateful that it is over.

Court Appointed legal Guardian's are just that...a lawyer appointed by the court to assess and independently ascertain and represent your child's legal interests. They will attempt to figure out the "best interests of the child" and, in the end, submit a report to the judge of their conclusions. Since the legal guardian has presumably spent more time with you, your son and the semen donor the judge will weigh upon their report/assesment heavily when making their decisons.

One suggestion...IF your WH flies off the handle with you or attempts to intimidate/harass you do not hestitate to get a restraining order against him. I have no doubt you will win primary custody of the child but getting to move, though likely, could be the most difficult part. IF you can demonstrate he is harassing and intimidating you...in more than just your word...that will go a long way to demonstrate that you need space from him and a healthier/safer mother with primary custody is in order and thus you should be allowed to move to create distance between WH and you.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

hello suzanne78,
I know what you mean about days when you feel that you all the problems really hurt and days when you know it was the best thing that could have happened for you and your family. I have court as well, it is scheduled for tomorrow. I left the home and took our 10 month old with me, he is now fighting to take FULL CUSTODY of our son and win the home. I really don't know why he is fighting for the home and cars, he hasn't paid any bills on them since I left which was about two months ago. He will probably end up losing everything. Like you said, why don't they wake up and see what they are losing? Is it because they feel too attached to the OW? Like you, I don't have any family here in California, I wish I could move back to Texas as well, but my H is trying to fight so that he can keep us here in the state. I leave everything in God's hands and hopefully everything works out for the best.

The courts and judges do see through these shenanigans. They see it so often, and in most cases, they can easily determine the primary caretaker, and have suggested protocol in the best interest of the child. No court wants to deny a parent time with their own child, but they will limit it.
The younger the child, the more likely that visitation is granted for a few hours, not for overnights.
Moving is a major issue though, so take seriously any advice from your lawyers.

when my ex tried to take custody of the kids away from me (basically so he wouldn't have to pay child support) my kids were given a law guardian. she saw the kids once with my ex bringing them and once with me bringing them. she spoke with them alone and asked them questions about their living situation and how they were feeling about it, etc (from what i could gather. i was not in the room, this is just information the kids, one their own, gave me. i never asked what she talked to them about). she then looks at all of the information from both sides (and in our case their was probation involved as well because he was trying to get custody so they had to investigate both of us) so i am sure the law guardian looked at that too.

she then made recommendations to the court along with probation of what she thought custody should be. she is supposed to work for what is in the best interest of the kids and does not take either mom or dad's side. she was very neutral whenever i talked with her. i am sure she was with my ex as well.

i wish i had not had to go through that nonsense, but i thought my law guardian was very fair and pretty easy to talk to. she made it clear that if ex gave any more problems i was to call her.

mlhb

I believe my ex wants joint custody and most courts are allowing that now a days. I am asking sole custody with him visitation. My husband is living with another women and is trying to find another place to live because his other ex took him back to court to find another place to live because my step son is sleeping on the couch. I was talking with a friend at work about her divorce. She has it in her divorce cree that she nor her ex husband can live with another man or woman before marriage. I called my lawyer, she wasn't there, but I explained that to her secretary. She said that they probably agreed to that but said that the court can mandate who my STBX can see. But, we could stipulate that no unrelated women can reside at my STBX residence during visitation. I have high standards and I just don't want my son to be around women after women coming into my STBX home. It goes against everything I believe and have taught my child.

Will the law guardian come to my house or do I go to her office? So far my husband has had little contact with our son. We just started visitation. He has my son Tues. 5-8:30 and Saturdays 10:30-4 p.m. and my son is not allowed to go in the residence of the OW apartment where my H is living. However, I have to ask my lawyer that if he is trying to move to another place still living with her if that will still apply. It should. He is not allowed to be in the apartment. This divorce is going to take awhile and it is so hard cause I just want to move on with my life. If I have to live here then so be it, but I want to move 2 hours back home. Anyone have advice of how I could win on moving away from this area? My H is fighting that I don't move.

you will take the child to the law guardian's office. (usually) they do not come to your home.

i was able to keep my kids away from ow until ex and i signed a legal separation. in it it states that we could now live as though we were not married. once we signed it i could not keep ow away legally. no matter how much i did not like it. my ex never in a million years would have signed an agreement that said no one of the opposite sex could be overnight when he had kids, etc. he lives with ow, he never would have agreed to that. i doubt yours will either since they live together. and a judge is not going to force it.

when you right up your agreement just put in it that neither on of you will move more than 2 hours away. that may or may not fly. mine states neither one can move so many counties away without the other's permission or court order. you would have to prove it was in the child's best interest to move. not YOUR best interest. the courts only care about what is best for the child.

hope that answers some of your questions.

mlhb

My now ExH was living with OW while the D was going on. He still lives with her. Anyway, while the D was pending, we had temporary orders that stated my kids were not allowed in the OW's presence. My ExH NEVER admitted he was in an A, said he and OW were just roomates and living as such. Yeah right.

Anyway, he did abide by that. DS spent a few nights over his house and OW slept at someone else's home.

Once the D became final though, those orders were void. My lawyer told me no court in my state will tell anyone who they can live with. It is very unfortuante that courts are supposed to keep the best interest of the child in mind, yet they allow them to spend overnights with their parent and OP.

I tried every avenue I could, wording it in my D decree in such a way that it was against my kid's religion to be exposed to adultery, etc. etc. None of it flew. ExH and his lawyer would not accept it. As long as the OW was not a threat to my kids, or harming them, then the courts could not stop her from being in my kid's prescence after the D.

I feel as if ExH and OW won, and I lost. I worked so hard to teach my kids morals and now ExH is living/sleeping with a woman 17 years younger and exposing my kids to her.

It's really not fair.

Good luck!

I am trying so hard too. I don't want to expose my son to this kind of living. My H knows it is wrong. Yet he still goes to church, it drives me crazy! Why go to church and then go and live completely opposite of what is taught. I tried to keep my son away during her presence but the judge only allowed that my son not be at her apartment on Saturdays. My co-worker at work and her ExH must of agreed that both of them not have anybody live together before marriage. I can't believe my H is going against everything he once believed and doesn't care. He says he is a good father but look at the values and example he is setting.

I feel me moving would better my situation and my son. First, there are more cultural activites and educational opportunities closer to a city. I have no family currently where I am at and I will be closer to my family. I can get a better job up there. I will allow liberal visitation for my H to see his son during the week. My son is not saturated by my H example living where I am at and I can be a better mother emotionally getting away from this situation. Why can't the courts consider that I will be a better mother if I can get out of this situation and my children? My H is starting to drink too and I know this OW won't last. He will be around women after women. Any thoughts or better suggestions of how I can win on moving 2 hours away back to my home originally?

I have step children so I know my H's defense will be that my son should be around his brother and sister. He wants to go to his school functions or sports and he is Indian (not enrolled) but he might use that for him to go to cultural activities regarding his heritage. Yet, if he is such a good dad. Why did he abandon us and didn't see his son for 6 weeks except for 6 hours total? I have been the parent for the last two months while he is off screwing another women. Now, he wants to play dad and be in his life and for everyone to except his adultery and that it is okay. It is unfair. I am trying to do what is best for the child. He can still see his child even if I move. It is too hard emotionally. I am about to have our 2nd child in 6 weeks too and he doesn't care. I am the victim and why should he have any rights when he left. I just need some encouragment to hang on cause I am afraid that he could win and I can't move. It is just 2 hours away. His family is all down here and I am close to them. He is starting to alienate them from me. So, I have hardly any support down here. I want my son to know my side of my family too. While we were married, my H didn't like to travel the 2 hours to see my family. He was so selfish. Can anyone give me good examples or advice of how I can move. It is about 2 hours and 15 minutes to where I want to move too.

I suggest running it by the guardian ad litem and see what she has to say about it. Maybe SHE can recommend to the Court that it would not harm the child or his relationship with his father.