Haven't talked to my husband since 8/31 when, during couple's counseling session, he said that he wanted some time to "deal with his own issues" and we decided to talk as little as needed. I told him that I would agree to this time apart as long as there wasn't a third person involved. He said that he wanted this marriage to work. We have barely communicated using notes I left at the house for him when he would pick up his mail (he is staying with his parents). On 9/28, I left him a card that said, "I hope you are doing well, finding your strength and what you need. I believe in you!" Since then, have learned that he has been continuing his affair, in fact, he spent 17 nights at her house over October. From phone records and an e-mail account I still have access to, I think he might have (briefly) seen a girl we went to high school with who always liked him, who he met up with again on Facebook.com. I think that conversation at the last couple's session was him trying to keep both doors open. Finding out about the other girl from high school really made me feel like WH was absolutely a train wreck, but I think that was brief and I think he has just been maintaining a relationship with the OW.

I've finally gotten up enough strength in myself to face him. I know I will be ok and I am ready to talk to him. I instant messaged him and we are meeting next Wednesday, place TBD (I'm thinking about coffee somewhere). I did this because I feel the need to make him accountable for his lies. I had set a boundary for him to take this time to sort through his own issues WITHOUT a third party involved. I will tell him this. I will tell him that through the course of time, I realized I didn't need him, but that I wanted him. That I want to be in this marriage because I love him, but he has to make the decision if he wants to remain in the marriage.

I'm so scared. I know I will be ok with out him, that I might be better than ok. But just the idea of leaving this decision up to him kills me. I swore that I wouldn't file for divorce while I still felt love for him, that he would have to man-up and make the decision to end our marriage if that is what he wanted.
It is just so hard.

Any support or advice you have, I would appreciate it. I'm very familiar with the Harley's methods, but I just feel like my mind is so jumbled right now.

Beth - Let me get this right. Your husband broke his vows and lied to you. Then he also lied to the marriage counselor. Then you made him promise not to see his affair partner and have left him alone. Is that right?

Have you been reading the stuff here?

HA. that is right and yes, I have been reading the stuff on site.

Read more. I think the first thing is to not let him leave.

And what is the situation of the other woman?

She moved to my state to work on a political campaign. She has no family here (in fact, when I thought they were "just friends" she made my H her emergency contact! He told me at that time and I had met her and told him OK. HOW STUPID!) She is single. She she has no one here and I know other people who used to work with her HATE her (not quite sure why, I think she is a little incompetent, but WH told me this himself. My WH's business partner even dislikes her).

I think that my biggest fear is that once the elections are over, they are going to move out of state, my husband is going to close up business and that's it! They'll start a whole new life together!

Beth

"he has been continuing his affair, in fact, he spent 17 nights at her house over October."

"I think he might have (briefly) seen a girl we went to high school with who always liked him, who he met up with again on Facebook.com."

So he is SUCH a stud that he is sniffing around, playing the field in hopes of SCORING again!!

"I know I will be ok with out him, that I might be better than ok."

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!

"But just the idea of leaving this decision up to him kills me."

Sorry, but it kind of sounds like he has already made his decision

I think you need to make the decision.

You are 4 years into your marriage and the stud muffin has two chicks on the line and trolling for more on Face Book?

Why are you so dependent on this guy?

I think you deserve much more than this.

IMHO

kirk

Seems like this situation might be ripe for exposure. I doubt that any political campaign wants the liability of a staffer who is having an A with a married man.

It also seems like you ned a plan. Since you've read the materials on this site .... tell us what your plan is, what you're doing and what you've done so far to follow it. That will help people give you a better idea about how to handle the meet with your H.

And there's always the big question -- are you sure that this M is worth saving? With no kids and only 4 years into it .... you're certainly young enough to do better. I'm pretty sure that Dr. H says that A's this early in an M are a pretty bad indication. Is it worth the risk and work of trying to save and repair this M with someone who's already established some pretty bad behaviors? (You have to make that choice -- no right or wrong here, it's up to you.)

-AmI.

Yeah, I know. 4 years, no kids. But, we've known each other since we were ten, started dating when we were 18 years old...so it has been a long relationship nonetheless.

My plan on Wednesday is to say that I had agreed to the time apart after our August 31st session so that he could work on his own issues. I had agreed to that with the boundaries that he wouldn't have a third party involved (I specifically told him that) and with the assumption that he would continue to stay at his parents and continue his individual therapy (I think that he ended that, but not 100% sure).

My issue has always been that I'm passive with my feelings, that I melt when I'm around him. Also, I lost myself in our relationship. He was my everything and it came out in the short time we were in therapy that he wanted ME back. I have been spending this time apart truly trying to identify my needs. So, My plan is to stand up to him, stand on my own two feet and not waiver if he huffs and puffs at me. That the time we spent in therapy WASN"T an example of him trying to work on us b/c he was still with her. The period of time he we weren't talking WASN"T time for him to sort out his own issues b/c it was time spent with her. That THE ONLY WAY we can begin to repair our marriage is with a permanent separation from OW.

I'm pretty sure what he is doing is trying to piss me off so that I'M the one who files for divorce (he told me after he left he was being so horrible so that I would be the one who left him). He just won't man up to do it himself. So, what I'm going to tell him also is that I want to work on repairing our marriage, so I'm not going to file for divorce.

I have spoken with Jennifer Chalmers and have a Plan B letter prepared to give to him.

I think what is hard that my emotions are all over the place. Right now, I feel strong. Last night, when I posted this...No so much.