I really blew it.

I had been seeing a guy for seven weeks. He hadn't taken down his online profile and it bugged me. I made a fictious profile and checked his profile. I thought that I would bait him, but I couldn't do it in the end; however, by just visiting his profile, he was able to see who (the fictious profile) visited him. Unfortunately, it was enough. He winked at the fictious profile.

I ended our relationship immediately. No, we hadn't agreed on being exclusive, but I did ask him that if he saw other people, to let me know so that I could walk away. He knew what my standards were, but he was out looking anyway. He may have not been involved with anyone else, but he was looking...

Unfortunately, I feel bad right now. I feel underhanded for creating the profile in the first place. But I had this compelling need to know...

How do you build trust with another person after you have been burned before? Was I way out of line? I don't want to have to sacrifice my own values when I date. The sad thing is that I really liked this guy...

Wow, Xetta, 7 weeks is pretty early to date exclusively.

As you are recovering, you need to be able to let go of the dead dogs in the basement. Realize that the new men you meet are not your husband, and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I know it is tempting to hookup with one special person right away, but it is better to date several.

LMAO.. I thought I was the only one who did this sort of stuff (and oh, have I got stories to tell about what happened).


It's all a matter of what you agreed to. If you had agreed to be exclusive and not look at other profiles, then your reaction would make sense. Since there was no such agreement, then I think you overreacted.

My guess is that this is a sign of serious insecurity in you, that you view the fact that he is still looking as a sign that he'll cheat like your ex did. If so, then you really should heal some more before dating. Confusing marital fidelity and dating exclusivity is a mistake.

AGG

this is someone different than your ex!!! we'll never know if our future spouse will have an affair 2 years or 20 years after we get remarried. dr harley says that it's possible to happen to anyone. i'm not sure i agree 100% but the point is the future is not certain. i think you would have been more effective if you were more honest. you asked him to tell you if he saw anyone else not if he decided to keep looking. you knew his profile was up and i think you either needed to accept he wasn't exclusive or spoken more directly. i'm sorry this happened, it really sucks. i agree that it comes from insecurities and expectations. you may be looking for a long term relationship while other people may just want to date.

OK this is something that I can relate to... But I will start by saying at least you dated him for seven weeks - I cannot seem to even get past the first date.. without assuming that he is married or gonna cheat on me... for instance I went on this date two years ago with this guy - and then we never got together again due to schedules or whatever but now - we went out again a week ago and well now I am automatically thinking - ok his phone is off - he leaves it in the truck - he is married - he is secretive he is married..I do not trust at all...and I think maybe it isn't worth it....

Personally, I think you jumped the gun here. Men and yes,shhh, women "look"...

Please explain "seeing" - where you intimate with him? How any times a week did you see him? How often was phone contact?

Don't you think it was a little decptive on your part to put up the "fake" profile??? HOw can expect honesty from him, when you weren't honest????

But, the flip side, I truly understand your mistrust of men and wanting to protect yourself from being hurt AGAIN...
I think you could have kept seeing him, but still guarded your heart (just in case) and see what happened next. Maybe, the next day he was going to remove his profile???
Now you'll never know......

If you really liked him ...you may want to wink and start over with him....

Thanks everyone for your input. I do appreciate it.

I am sorry I will disagree with just about everyone here, I probably know the stich a tad better however then most since Xetta and I are have become close friends and talk about daily and it was my wet shoulder... (Pulls out MB 2x4)

Would I have baited him, no. I would have kicked the bum to the curb and walked 4 weeks back. Darn right and I said so. then i say so now. I have a simple concept in life if someone is interested they act interested, if they are honest they act honest. If it walk like a duck quacks like a duck and hangs out with ducks it is a duck.

He was well aware that X wanted exclusivity as they became intimate, his answer was to avoid or dance around the question and not anwser it, note not answering is a loud and clear answering. He avoided returning calls, let her sit and stew... he well to much to tell here. She didn't bait him he innate contact with her alias while wanting a booty with the real deal. When she inquired about it he gaslighted like it never happened. Sorry he is a dog.

X is one of my closest friends and frankly I am pissed I would like to lay that MB 2x4 across that scums head. I don't like having my friends played for a fool. or hurt.

Sorry Hun but The putz is playing you, he that is mine and now 3 single men guys opinion who I bounced it off of...
I know I have been a the single guy playing the field and being a dog (in a former life) and if I was playing that is exactly how you do it.

I have no reason to lie or hurt you and you know it.
I tell you what you need to hear and always shoot straight even when it pisses you off...

You can do better. I don't know why your settling, 8 weeks and he is not close to meeting your basic EN and he doesn't care, your not getting 5 hours much less 15? I am sorry time to move on to someone who will.


JMHO

I have done my best friend bit hun I have warned and yelled and tried to protect you from you. you lie with that dog your going get fleas.

Jim