Actually, for many affairs, living together is the kiss of death.
They can’t hide their flaws when they live together. Right now, she tolerates his mood swings, his grumpy attitude, etc, because she figures it is all just the stress of dealing with the move. So she tolerates his grumpiness for now, assuming it will all get better in a couple of weeks. But it won’t get better. Because in a couple of weeks, he will still be a 50 year old man with no longer owns a home, no longer has the stability of his family, and no longer has the richness of mature, long term M.

What do you know about this OW?

(((Chai))) Yes. We lost our home (to foreclosure) with OW#1 and my world shattered. My FWH moved in with OW#2. We are now happily and completely recovered. There is hope. Please DO NOT GIVE UP.

This is the TRUTH! I remember overhearing a VM from OW#2 to my FWH where she tells him in not so nice words, I am NOT your wife and I am not your momma. You do your own laundry! LOL. Wasn't long after that, they parted ways.

Chai,
yes, it happened to me/us. (see my sig line)

FWH realized what he was losing during my Plan B.

he posts under ProdigalHusband and is now leading our Recovery.

I agree with WoF5, Mimi, LC & B--this is not the end of your relationship with WH. you have MUCH history together.

you CAN get thru this weekend!

Plan B will give you a respite from this drama.

Please know that I will be praying for you this weekend and will check back to see how you're doing.

hugs,
cgw

Chai, we had a member years back whose husband moved out and moved in with his affair partner. He completely turned his back on his wife and stepdaughter. That was LostVA. LostVA plan A'd like a champ. I believe the whole thing was over and done with in less than 8 months or so.

LostVA was sure it was over. Yet, one day, reality hit, and he started making noises about coming back. And one day, he just asked about starting over.

The recovered. She doesn't post any more. Probably too happy with her husband to come back.

Don't lose hope.

I was thinking of Lostva in this situation as well. She and I exchanged a couple of emails when I was first going through all of this.

I think her H was actually gone for about a year.
The day he left he said he was leaving and never coming back. He didn’t love her, never would again. And he literally did not speak to her for months. He moved in with OW in another town, about an hour away, and he took his car, plus one other that they owned – so that the OW could drive it!! Lostvas’s own van broke down, so she called her WH for help and he told her that it was not his problem.

He gave her no financial support – they did not have children together, just a daughter from her first marriage who he had raised as his own. Without his financial support she was forced to sell the house and buy something much smaller.

About 3 days before he came back he reminded her that he was gone for good, it was over, he would never return. 3 days later he called and said “I want to come home”. Last I heard from her they were living in the house she bought, happily recovered. The OW made a few attempts to try to reel him back in, but when he decided to return, he was finally done with her for good.

My H moved in with the OW and that was the NAIL IN THE COFFIN of their relationship.

She had to meet his needs 24/7. She failed.

He hated HER LIFE..HER FRIENDS...

She couldn't keep up THE SHOW 24/7. In the A, the OW can be on her best behavior..cook the PERFECT DINNERS..get her house SPOTLESS just before he shows up. It's a FARCE..a BROADWAY PRODUCTION...you can't stay on that high 24/7 or CREATE it 24/7...

Just like you, I thought ALL THAT TIME together for them was PERFECT..but it wasn't..he was over there MISSING ME...and she couldn't BE ME..

She did not have the HISTORY..she didn't know the SPECIAL WAYS he likes things..she couldn't cook the chicken like I did...she couldn't REMINISCE with him..all they had was the PRESENT..and the PRESENT was no fun any longer...

PLAN B..them LIVING TOGETHER is a GREAT THING...

REALLY...SINCERELY..BELIEVE US...

And he thought I'd be SITTING there WAITING in "OUR DREAM HOUSE" until he finished PLAYING..and I put it up for sale and it sold on the FIRST DAY on the MARKET and he found out that I was looking for another house..and there he was STUCK over there in HE// with her...

He was right. I was moving on. I began to PRETEND that he did not exist. I had put him in GOD'S HANDS. I had done all that I could do.

Yes. My marriage is recovered...and I'm happily married and we are in love again but I really TREASURE that I found myself....I learned that I can live without HIM and he learned that, too...

Focus on YOURSELF and gaining and maintaining your SELF-RESPECT and if he wants to stay with such trash, you don't want him...You want a man who LOVES and VALUES..ONLY YOU...

Gosh, thanks to all of you for giving me hope. I hate this roller coaster. I reread all of my posts and had to chuckle. One day I'm up, the next down. I hate this!

WoF5 - I have never seen OW. I know that she is D'd a few times, has major financial troubles (like a few bankruptcies) has several grandkids. WH has given her money, so she sees the cash cow.

PM - I've read your story many times. I read it when I'm needing something to hold on to. It reminds me that there is hope. I'm trying to remain hopeful and not give up.

CGW - Thanks for your post. I was thinking that I've been in Plan B 2 months, how long can it take, but I see yours went over 10 months. I haven't seen WH in 2 months, so it seems wierd that he has been in town and in the house and we haven't seen each other.

Bellevue, thanks for telling me about LostVA. I guess that proves that there really is hope in some situations. The only thing that I can do at this point is to wait it out.

Mimi - I've read your thread once, but couldn't find it again. Can you link in so that I can reread it? That reminisce thing that you spoke of rang a bell. One evening before my last dday, WH and I sat on the screen porch one evening talking about when we dated as teenagers. He told me that once after we broke up over something, my xSIL called him and took him to lunch to talk about us. She told him that I was miserable and asked about him. He said that he was miserable too, so she said that we should get back together. He said that was the day he called me, he came over, we made up and ended up M. Neither one of them ever told me that they met. We also spent the evening talking about old high school friends, etc.

Well all, I'm going to bed. I've decided to work tomorrow, but since he was here today, I doubt he will be here again tomorrow anyway. As for Sunday, I'll leave. I'll tape a note to the door telling the movers what to take for me.

Wish me luck. I don't really expect him to respond to my email this week or even this month. I suspect that it will be a long time off if he responds at all.

About 6:30am this morning, I heard a car outside. WH was in the garage. I stayed in bed, wasn't sure what to do. I was hoping that he was here to talk and hopefully express desire to recover, but no.

He came in, went down the basement, to the garage and then back out to his car. He was here for about 20 minutes. He didn't come upstairs, so avoided me. When I came down, I noticed that the phone was off the kitchen wall and in on the dining room table. I told him in my email that he would need to turn off the phone service/cable service. It was in his name and they wouldn't let me do it. It also looks like he took the cable box. When he turns it off today, I won't have internet access in the evenings anymore until I move next week.

Well, he obviously got the email but no response.

So, why did he come so early when he knew that I would be here? Yet he made no attemp to talk to me. Was I supposed to come down and talk to him? I wasn't sure what to do. I hadn't slept last night and looked really bad, which is mainly why I stayed upstairs. I figured if he came up it would be dark and I wouldn't look too awful.

I just feel that the ball is in his court now. I really need him to make the next attempt. After the false recoveries etc. I don't want to appear like I'm ready to be the doormat again. So, I sent the last letter and remained in the dark (literally this time).

Opinions??

GREAT!! You're not going to be able to FIGURE him out. What the WS does, makes NO LOGICAL SENSE...CRAZY ALIEN...

I found my thread for you...

Hang in there...

((((CHAI LOVER)))...

BTW, I never tried CHAI. Tell me about it...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Mimi,

Chai is an Indian tea. They brew the tea with spices (cardamom, cinnamon, cloves, ginger) then add whole milk at the end. Almost like a coffee drink. I think that Indian restaurants have the best chai.

I hope that you all will support me to get through the next few days. Being alone in the empty house is the hardest thing I've ever done. Last night was one of those nights were I just wanted to end it.

I've done a major screw up. I've had this burning need for some sort of closure, which is why I was glad that Jennifer had me write the letter. But, I called him this morning on my way to work. I couldn't help it. Don't know what came over me. Big mistake though because he immediately started yelling at me about the gun. Told me he was going to call the police. He wouldn't let me explain anything, so I ended up saying that it was OK if he did that, I would just explain it to the police. I just said "goodbye" and hung up.

He called me right back and said "was there something else that you needed to say?" and I said "no, not now, I'm sorry that I called you." I hung up.

He called about 2 hours later and said the he thought my brother would bring it back, and I calmly told him that I would get it back for him. He said that he would be there at 9:00am tomorrow to pay the movers then he was leaving. I said OK. I then just politely said "I'll be there to supervise moving the rest of my things. Goodbye."

The depression is killing me. I think I feel like I'm losing everything at once. And the speed at which all of this has happened is throwing me for a loop. In my email, I left him my forwarding address, but he has never told me where he is going, what he'll do etc. I guess he will keep his job travelling, but beyond that I know nothing.

He tells my DD that he is not seeing her. I just looked at the new month's phone records and I saw that she called only 1 time for 1 minute. I know that at one time he had a second cell phone, so he could again. But I started to wonder if I've made a mistake in reacting with Plan B. I did so because he lied to me about where he was in Sept. Said he was in Ill., but I found out that he was in her town that weekend. Of course he said he was there on business and didn't see her, but I didn't believe it. They have a way of confusing you and making you think that you did something wrong.

So, I know that I shouldn't have called, but I did it before I knew what was happening.

So please help me get through the next few days until I can get completely out of the house. I'm going to try not to bump into him in the morning, but if I do the movers will be there and I will be polite.

Thanks for listening. I hate the fact that I sound so pathetic. I know that I'll get through this like many of you have done. I was doing so well and now am falling apart again, so I have to get back on track and try to continue a life without him.

I think he turned off my internet access at home, so I probably won't be able to post much here unless it is at work. I hope that moving into my new condo this Thursday will bring some much needed peace. I got more AD's today too.

No, you did the right thing in going to Plan B. He is just mad right now because he is no longer able to control you. He's mad that you aren't just sitting there, waiting for him to come back, and taking care of all his crap for him.

He'll get over it.

Get this move finished, and go back to being totally dark.

Thanks LadyC. I guess we always wonder if we've done the right thing or not. Everyone keeps saying that Plan B brings them back, but it seems to be pushing mine away. Maybe that's typical, I don't know. I guess I'm confused because I really don't know what is going on in affairland. It's not like I can drive down the street and see if her car is at his place. The whole thing takes place far, far, away from here. Maybe if I knew what was going on, I could better deal with it.

I've decided to stay with a friend until closing Thursday, so tonight will be my last night here. I couldn't face 5 more nights of this. After tomorrow, the place will be totally empty except for my air mattress, a few clothes and some towels. The echo is too much. So, I plan on avoiding WH in the morning by staying upstairs until he leaves, then getting my stuff out, putting the dog in a kennel for a few days, packing those last few clothes and making the break. I can come back in the evenings to do the final cleaning.

I was just talking to a friend, and I'm scared because I feel like I'm losing WH forever. We talked about how I would get in touch with him in an emergency situation (daughter) if he doesn't keep in touch with her. What if a family member dies?

There is just something that isn't adding up. Six weeks ago I thought we were in recovery, now the house is gone, he's gone, I'm moving 30 miles away. It just all happened so quickly. I really feel that he will not come back. I know miracles happen, but I'm not hopeful here.

I've got to start working on me now. I have no choice but to push forward with the LSA, and make a new home for myself. Out of here tomorrow. Will be very sad for me. We built the house over 20 yrs ago.....

It was AWFUL that I could drive over to her place..NOT A GOOD THING..the DRIVEBYS only kept me CRAZY...and HURTING...

Keep this in mind..

I FELT EXACTLY THE SAME WAY THAT YOU DO and I was in YOUR EXACT SAME POSITION..

And look at my life today...

I certainly can't say it will be the same for YOU..but you don't know what THE FUTURE HOLDS...

PLAN B is your ONLY OPTION...for RECOVERY..that's the way I came to see it...

(((CHAI)))

A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME...

I have a NEW HOME now...and haven't for one minute missed my OLD HOUSE...

Thanks Mimi,

It's Sunday morning and I'm waiting for WH and the movers to arrive. I've decided to be here and try to talk to him one more time. To tell him that I want to recover the marriage. I'd also like to find out what he will do, where he will go. I have this sick feeling that he isn't going to show up though. He is Plan B'ing me.

I realized this morning that with the house gone, I have nothing to offer other than some memories. I haven't been able to meet any other EN's for years now. He has a life and friends out with her. Nothing really left here but me and DD. I doubt he'll keep in touch with DD much anyway.

So, I guess after today I go back to Plan B by default. I really don't see much hope here.

Chai,

Sweetie, listen to this - You are not going to be able to TALK HIM INTO ANYTHING.

State your truth - that you want to recover the M - that's fine. But you must do so with NO EXPECTATION of him whatsoever.

It's going to be a difficult day, so prepare yourself mentally. Think about and even practice stating Your Truth,,,AND how you will walk away from WH after stating it. Don't allow yourself to get caught up in any WS babble that he is likely to throw your way.

{{Chai}} Strength and prayers your way!!

THE BEST PLAN for your MARITAL RECOVERY is to NOT TALK TO HIM. This is NOT YOUR HUSBAND, Chai. He is a WS, struggling to justify continuation of his affair. He has to come to the point of CHOOSING on HIS OWN to end it. You do not have the POWER to use YOUR VOICE to REASON with him. REASONING DOES NOT WORK. He will have to SUFFER..SUFFER..SUFFER..reach HIS BOTTOM to the point where HE LONGS for you, to the point where HE is searching for YOU..wants one minute of your time...

He will not find your appeals this morning to BE ATTRACTIVE...

It is important for YOU to gain HIS RESPECT. It is important for HIM on his own to come to the REALIZATION that YOU ARE GONE until he makes A CHOICE to come to you...

I'm praying that you read this before you make THE MISTAKE of trying to talk to you..

He is apt to try to HURT YOU again because he will continue to have the UPPER HAND and he will be wanting to JUSTIFY his SELF-DESTRUCTION -TOTAL MESS that he has made of HIS LIFE

What do you mean NOTHING but MEMORIES? MEMORIES are EVERYTHING....

You are at the lowest of lows right now and that DEPRESSION is really kicking in...

You've got to get out of there...

You've got to STOP LISTENING TO THAT EVIL, HOPELESS VOICE inside of your HEAD....

NEVER,EVER,EVER GIVE UP on ANYTHING...

Don't downplay the IMPORTANCE and VALUE of YOURSELF...

YOU ARE GOD'S CREATION..there will NEVER, EVER BE ANOTHER YOU....

If he loses YOU, it will be a TRAGEDY FOR HIM...HIS LOSS...

Cmon, CHAI..I so HATE to hear you talk like this..

I wish I could come over there and sit with you and we could have a cup of tea...and talk about ALL OF THOSE SPECIAL MEMORIES...

I blew it guys. I didn’t get to read your posts (mimi and Bugs) before it all went down.

WH and movers came in at the same time, so a little chaotic getting things going. He tried to avoid me, but I asked him to talk which he would not do unless we went outside. Mimi and Bugs, you guys were looking out for me and I didn’t see it coming. Like a freight train.

First I asked if he had any comment on the letter. He shrugged his shoulders. I told him that I didn’t want this, wanted our M. I don’t think I even have to tell you guys what happened – you already know. I got blasted for about ½ an hour on how mad he was because I threatened him over the house and made him sell. He commented on how we didn’t even walk away with what the kitchen remodel cost 7 years ago. Said he wanted to keep it and fix it (he almost never came home and talked about just wanting to get rid of it all the time).

He wouldn’t let me talk, just kept going on and on about that, the “stunt” that I pulled with the gun, filing the LSA, no communication, our DD, marriage history and on and on. Of course I tried to explain that I would have been happy to keep the house if he would have come home sometime, and I reminded of him how he talked about it needing so much work etc., but he poo pooed all of it. I stated that my silence was to protect myself from this triad, but he said that was over blah blah blah, but then he said “she calls, I talk to her” and shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal. He totally downplayed anything to do with the A. All just like you said that he would. He said that he didn’t want to be M right now. He said I’ve made him mad as ****** and now I’m getting what I want – no communication. It was at that point that it hit me – nothing I say or do is going to make any difference here. I did remain calm, did not cry, and I said OK and got out of the car. As I shut the door he said he loved me.

Oh, and he also made a comment that he was the one who had to clean the basement and get the dumpster. Huh? The basement was 95% his stuff, and he paid the mover to do it. I did the rest of the house and packed it myself.

So he leaves, and I have to stay with the movers for another 5 hours while they got his stuff and my stuff. I was more depressed than I have ever been in my life. My plan was to sleep on the air mattress until I could get into the new place on Thursday, but I knew if I stayed there one more night alone, I wouldn’t make it. I called a friend and she said that I could stay with her. So I took the dog to the kennel, picked up my friend, went back and we both finished cleaning the house, basement and garage, got my clothes, toiletries, and misc. things that were left and we took off. I was going to call the cleaning service, but she said it isn’t that bad, let’s just do it. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I’ve never felt more empty inside, and I think that had I stayed there in that empty house tonight, I may not be here tomorrow. I never want to go back, but unfortunately I have to have my piano moved this week. It’s the last thing there.

So, here I am. Blew it again. Now what? The only positive thing is that I feel like I had some closure or some sense of direction. 35 years…I was trying so desperately to hang onto it guys. Can somebody tell me what now? Have I blown it too badly?