Chai,

Got to change your way with DD. Time for tough love.

I had to do it with my now 27yoDS.

Had to put him out and not give any money, could not stay at our house etc.

Went to prison for a year for burglary, meth related. He got out and had to find his own way.

He had a hard year but he is doing great now. He really is. You have to let them reap what they sow. As long as you bail them out for being bad they will continue.

Hardest thing I ever did in my life. My H had had it long before his A, but I just couldn't let go or stop helping. I loved my son so much. But I was NOT helping. I was enabling. My H had issues with this. I don't blame him. He was right all along, and I enabled.

Very hard, but you have to let your DD grow up and hit bottom. It can work, it did work for my son.

Your DD AND your WS need to hit bottom and suffer the consequences of their actions. Your WS actually might see you doing the right thing for your DD. Did your WS ever in the past say DD was too much for him to deal with?

Anyway, prayers for you, I know this is not an easy road for you right now.

Keep your chin up, you are worthy!!!

Love in Christ,
Miss M <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One of the very best actually.

I am going out on a limb here, but spending that kind of money can be considered an addiction and I will explain it when I talk to you tomorrow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Miss M,

Thanks for the feedback. I know in my head that I have to do this, but in my heart it is so hard. I don't want to see her homeless or starving, which is why I keep getting sucked in.

WH has pretty much abandoned both of us. I think her being too much to handle contributed to him not wanting to come home, which led to the A. I don't know, the A may have happened anyway, but that year was tough. She was calling him every 5 minutes complaining about me, and I was calling begging him to come home and help me with her.

But, after 4 years, I'm tired. I'm worn out physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. Just can't go anymore, so I found a therapist to help me deal with it. I've finally realized that she will drag me down with her.

Queenie, am looking forward to hearing what you have to tell me.

Hi Chai,

Not sure about Queenie's take on financial addiction, but I know what you're feeling with wanting to subsidize your DD.

We did the same thing out of guilt, remorse, and a feeling of inadequacy of preparing our kids properly (and making bad choices due to our detached M).

We even drained our retirement accounts on their behalf....and then co-signed on their loans when they ran out of that money but refused to quit college.

Our sitch was not as dire as yours, but I can understand the addiction to try to finance (enable) their success.

Ace

Hey Ace,

Thanks for the feedback. You think that you should sacrifice everything for your kids, but where does it end? Especially when they're adults.

This A has been financially devestating for me so I just cannot afford to support her too. I'm now going to be forced to also close my business which means more of a loss. I may be forced into a D to ensure that WH has to help me pay for all of this.

Here's how I had to look at the financial decay. "It was only money, no one died."

That's what I built my faith on.....helped me focus on what I could control so I (and we) could make better decisions.

Then H had his second EA when he had been fired from his 32 year career. (The first EA was 6 years prior and I didn't find out about it until the second.)

I didn't know cuz I was working 3 jobs to try to make ends meet in addition to helping care for (and finally placed) his ailing mother.

Completely out of the blue, we had a financial miracle happen that was an answer to prayer and NOW that we have a third or fourth chance, we are seeing a professional financial planner who says we might be able to salvage enough to retire someday (about 10 years). H will be 66 and I will be 64 and barring any unforseen incident, we will be OK....if we make it that long.

Don't discount that a miracle might happen, Chai, but in the meantime, focus on what you can control. If the D is the best way to go, so be it. But can you squeeze blood out of a rock?

Ace

Hey Acey,

I guess I shouldn't lose site of that - it's only money. We're all still alive so that's good.

I'm glad that you had a financial miracle. Other than winning the lottery, not sure how that could come my way. I have one parent on Medicaid, so a big inheritance isn't in the cards for me. I didn't buy Walmart, and my eBay stock hasn't made me a millionaire yet. I don't know Ace, but don't think it's in the cards for me. I just hope that I can work a few more years. At least I'll be entitled to WH's social security since we were M 34 years <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Since WH has totally ignored two attempts by my Atty to get the LSA signed, I may not have an option but to file for D to protect myself. Who knows what bills he's running up trying to impress OW. I'm completely at risk right now because if something happens to him, I get all of the debt. That's not good.

Hey Chai [waving from the darkness!!]

Just checkin in. I've been travelling a lot and just settled back home over the last few days.

Seems you and I are still on similar paths. You talked about hitting a slump--I was talking to Queenie tonite and told her I woke up earlier this week ANGRY at my sitch with WH. Haven't felt that mad about this whole mess in a long time. I think (no I know) that I am tired of waiting to get some closure on this situation with him. Like your WH, mine has made it pretty clear that he ain't signing no LSA. So I will have to file for the D to get this settled once and for all, and so once again I have to clean up after his messes to keep my stuff together. Meanwhile, I am stuck here in Limboland until the end of June. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

And to top if off, I'm sick to death of all the Valentine's Day crap. If I see one more sappy, kissy poo couple on the TV I'm going to do bodliy harm to someone.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Okay I feel less crabby now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there sweetie..As they say there will be good days and bad days. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

T/J over everyone!

Smartie

Hey Smartie [waving from gloomy day]

Thank you. So even those long time Plan B-ers get down too huh? I'm with you on it.

I get doggone angry when I think about how he won't sign. This was their idea, so where are they coming from when they won't sign?

Trying to hang on?

Heck if I know, but I think he may have won by forcing me into D. I was determined that if there was a D that he would have to do it, but I know that he wanted me to be the one to file so he could say "you did it, you filed for the D." That would have absolved him from all responsibility. Dang, he's forcing my hand at this.

Are you anywhere near Charlotte? I was down there last week and wondered if you were nearby. Let me know. I may be down that way again and we can get together.

Valentines Day? It sucks when you're in our sitch doesn't it?

Hi CL and Smartie,

Just wanted you to know that these comments RESONATE with me, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> ...and that you are not alone! ....and, of course, BEFORE we didn't notice it as much.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Luna,

Well, I got confirmation that WH filed for D today. And he's going to make it ugly. I was trying so hard to be fair in the LSA, but he wants to take off the gloves. I didn't want it to get ugly, but I've now asked my atty to drag the A into this.

I tried to leave it out, but now I'm going to ask for an accounting of how much money he gave her, where all the cash went, etc.

Why do they do that? The LSA would have let him walk away with about 1/3 of the debt that was rightly his, but he wants to get ugly. It's better for me of course, but I was hoping to keep it easy to make recovery possible. Don't see how it is possible after this.

Can someone who has been through this give me something to go on? Did things get nasty? Were you able to recover after such a nasty mess?

((((((Chailover))))))))

No advice from here. Maybe having it be ugly and a fight helps them justify staying in affair land. It is harder to feel good about someone and have doubts about ending the relationship when they're in the middle of a war, so to speak.

Who

Thanks Who. I'm not sure why it was such a shock. I guess because my DD tells me that he is not with OW anymore, so I had hoped that maybe we could R.

He is still very hostile.

Stay in Plan B, and let your attorney handle things.

Believer,

At this point, that's what I'll do. I just didn't think that he would get ugly about it after what he did, but I guess it's the entitlement thing.

I think my WH is going to be one that doesn't return even when the A ends. I believe that he thinks too much has been done. I really don't hold out much hope.

I think that now I have to come to grips with the fact that I wasted almost 40 years of my life. At least it feels that way. I spent 35 years M to someone that I built a nest egg with, prepared for retirement with, raised a child with etc and it's all gone in less than a lousy year's time.

How do you get over that?

This is not going to be a good night....

(((Chai)))

Never posted on your thread, but have met ya through the "GODDESS" thread. I am sorry about your latest developement. It just sucks. Of course a nasty D is what scares me the most (if we don't make it...). He says he won't be nasty and if it gets nasty it would all be me Of course, now that he has proven to be quite the liar, I don't believe that either....oh well,

just wanted to let you know I am sorry about your situation and I'll be praying for you. Who knows?? There may still be hope...

not2fun

LOL Luna. Ain't it the truth. I was thinking yesterday that this will be first time since I was 19 years old that I haven't had a Valentine. Heck, one year I had TWO. Didn't know how good I had it back then! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I love reading your posts BTW--your thoughts and writings are so inspirational and supportive.

Smartie

((((((((((((((CHAILOVER))))))))))))))

I am sorry for the pain, CL....

First, realize that they almost always come back. He has a long history with you.

Then you just go on and make the best life possible from here on out. There will be a lot of sadness at first, giving up your dreams. But just maybe your life will be better than up to now.

((((Chai))))

I'm so sorry to hear about WH and the D. How is he making it ugly? What is he asking for?

Interesting feedback from my A today. He spoke to WH's A and according to his A, WH is the most passive, non-cooperative client he's dealt with in awhile. WH's A says that WH won't return his phone calls and he cannot get him to even discuss the LSA.

So my A's advice for me is to just sit tight until the mandatory year of separation is done (3 1/2 months and counting!!) and then file for the D. Like yours Chai, mine is going to force me to do it to bring closure to the situation. At first I was determined that he was going to file if he wanted the D. Now I don't care who files, I just don't want to be married to him anymore. If he uses the fact that I filed to ease his feelings about the M ending, so be it.

If WH continues with the passive, non-responsive stance and does not fight me on the D, I will get everything I wanted in the final property settlement anyway and I'll be a free and clear woman by August.

I'm just frustrated because if that is route I have to take, I want it to be August already--I want to get WH out my life in all aspects. I'm so tired of waiting for this to be done. I'm ready to move on without my WH for good and it seems like I have to take the slow route to get there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I have no doubt that one of the lessons God is trying to teach me on my journey through this is patience. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

And you are right--I am in Charlotte. Please drop me a line if you think you will be coming this way. I travel a good bit for my job, but I'm in slow patch for the next few weeks. I'd love to hook up!!

Smartie