Hello I'm a new member here and would like to put my story out.

Almost two weeks ago my wife discovered an online chat session I had with a person I was involved with before her. There were sexual flirtation involved in the messages, and bringing up the past, along with my asking to have lunch when we're in the same state (we were suppose to attend a friends destination wedding where this person lives). I never told the other women I am married now, but she's married with children. I told my wife the whole story that it was someone before we met but the point is I shouldn't have been chatting with them in that nature now that I'm married, nor any other woman.
So now we're trying to deal with my destruction of her trust in me, the marriage being tainted, and her angry towards what I did. I've since gone to a face to face confession with our priest at our parish and told him how ashamed and disgusted I am with my act and how I betrayed God and most of all my wifes' trust and loyalty. It maybe hard to believe but I was happy in my marriage but it doesn't make sense if I was chatting with the other woman in that fashion. In my wife's eyes she's even more hurt because who knows how long this would've continued had she not found out. I am hurt that she did find out because I would never wish this upon anyone let alone my own wife. We've been talking alot and I do love her and want to do everthing in my power to salvage the marriage. She's been going through all the range of emotions associated with this. The toughest is seeing her cry and know I can't do anything about it since I was the cause. Also she gets angry and starts asking me questions about the other person and I have been open and answering her, but lastnight it was so tough for me and I snapped and said "Stop it!". Then she told me this is the person she has become because of this and that I may not like who she is now, this is our reality. For me the toughest part of answering those questions is continuing to live out that sin I committed, but I know it is selfish of me because she is hurting as a result of my actions and had no choice in the situation. It is still very tough for me because they are probing type questions and my wife feels the other woman needs to suffer as bit since we're suffering and her marriage is just fine. I just want to try and move forward from this nightmare I've created, but I do know this is going to be a long a tough road if we do salvage the marriage. She still tells me she loves me and does ask me to hold her. I have had suicidal feelings from what I've done but I know that's the cowards way out and would hurt my wife even more. I really cannot forgive myself for what I've done, also to make matters worse we have been trying to start a family as well. We haven't told anyone outside of my talking to our priest for if we work this out she doesn't want other people to hold resentments towards me. But I am so worried for her since I don't want her to keep things bottled up and go through this alone, the ironic this is she says now I'm so worried but I wasn't worried when I was chatting. She is correct.....I am the biggest loser and I home we can get through this together with God's help.... <SIGH>

You have to continue to show her sincere remorse and become completely transparent to her in all your activities. Offer to put a keylogger on your computer so she can see all your online dealings.

As hard as it is you need to calmly answer all her questions with complete honesty. If you can only take so much, agree to talk about it for 15-20 minutes everyday.

Get it all out now because if you hold back something she discovers later it could cost you your marriage.

You need to let her process and grieve. It is going to take a while and there are no shortcuts.

Finally you need to ask yourself why the marriage was vulnerable to this.

Do the 5-question WHY test of yourself.

Question 1: Why did I flirt with this woman?

Your answer.

Question 2: Why?

Proceed until you have the root cause of why you did this. You normally only need to ask why 4-5 times.

Look into the book His Needs Her Needs and get your wife the book Surviving an Affair.

You have come to a place that can help you if you are honest and willing to work hard.

Welcome.

Thanks, I totally agree....I pray to god everyday to give us strength to get past this.

It does feel a little better reading that this is possible. Hopefully I can write back someday saying this story has a happy ending....<sigh>

After spending some time in church before coming home yesterday I felt so much pain sitting before God. When I got home I was cooking myself some dinner and my wife came home from her sisters, I couldn't control myself and start crying, she came to comfort me which felt really good, but yesterday was actually a good day for us. But I know there will be these good days and bad days, I guess the key is to build upon the good days. I actually stop working when I get home (which I use to work till past midnight) and spend time with her, and I also now goto bed with her where we talk,rather than rolling into bed at 2am or 3am after she is asleep. I'm also up with her and leave for work befoe she does, which is different from before. It feels real good, but I want to do this for the rest of my, or our lives together and not just because of what happened. I know what I did is a life altering event, I'm asking myself why didn't I do this before? Am I really such a bad person for not doing this before? So many questions about myself.....Nice days are good for the soul I must admit but I never let it get me totally happy.....

You recieved a wake up call, be thankful that you were checked before you went any further.

Have you looked into the books yet. There is a lot of information in them for both you and your wife.

You understand that it is neccessary for you to NEVER CONTACT (NC) the OW again. She is no longer your friend or in any way a part of your life.

You should send the OW a no contact letter for life, read and approved by your wife. This will send a clear message to the OW and give your wife a little island to start standing on again. The are examples of NC letters on the site.

Print out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire from this web for both you and your wife and get to work on them. If you both take the time to honestly do it I bet you will both be surprised with the results.

Emotional Needs Questionnaire


Have you been reading about the main concepts at this site?

In the mean time lets see if we can learn something. In a single sentence answer and right off the top of your head,

Why did you flirt online with this other woman?

BL -

You are doing a great job taking responsibility for your act. Chrisner gave you great advice. Use it! It will take a lot of patience, I'm sure, but remember: you did this, not her. Her feelings, her lack of trust, the broken connection between you is your doing. Maybe you will have to answer the same questions over and over, but you asked for it. But don't get down on yourself either. I worry when you talk about suicidal feelings, but you are doing the right thing there, too. Remember how it would hurt others irrepairably. Complete honesty I think will eventually repair the relationship. Keep it up. I only wish my own wife would follow your plan.

Hi guys,

Thanks for all the replies, sorry for the late reply but I'm taking up a new plan where when I get home from work I stop going through work-emails and doing work, plus staying offline (not that I have the urge to do what I did again) so I can spend more time with my wife. It seems to be getter better between us, last night she asked me if she was getting better, and it seems she is. She says she tries not to think about it anymore. This weekend was a big test, because we attended a friends wedding and the reception was the location where we had ours, so bittersweet at the same time. She said it was hard listening to the priest during the ceremony because of the words , "nothing should come between the two of you...", and "remain faithful". I too knew it was tough and felt even worse when I heard those words as well. I re-assure her that she's still the beautiful women I first met (and she is), but she has self-confidence issues right now I guess because she feels that I strayed due to other women looking better than her. I tell her all the time now (and I have in the past) that I love her and she's the one I want now and forver even after the day we die. I take each day, each week, each month, each year....that's how I view this situation. I do try to attend mass during the week as much as possible along with reading subjects like how to live a good catholic life. I like to goto church and read because it's a very soothing place for me. I've been fairly religious before this but now feel I want to take it further and just be the best person I can be. I've also come to the fact that my situaton may end in divorce because that is a reality as well, but that will not prevent me from what I've started for myself. What I've done will be a scarlett letter reminder of sorts to myself forever, something I cannot ever forget nor forgive myself (at least for now).
Sorry if alot of stuff I write is rambling but I just try to empty my mind when I post on here. Now I just want to protect my wife from ever feeling this much pain, because I want to be that rock she can lean on once again without doubt.

Now back to the questions as to why I did what I did....it's tough to answer and I don't know if I'm coping out when I say I don't know (at least for now).

It will be rough for awhile; it won't get bettr right away. Your wife will continue to have questions. Answer them honestly. All you can do is be patient and continue meeting her needs and answering her questions.

Women don't like to break up their ;homes. They fight for their marriages. Do not be discouraged when your wife tells you she has triggers. Practice active listening.

A year from now, if you can hang in there, she may still feel pain about your emotional cheating; but time does heal. This is when you have to be strong. Be the anchor. Don't waiver. In two years, you will have built more trust and in three years, there will be entire months where the subject of the chats doesn't even cross her mind.

By then, you may both have a stronger marriage than before.

I know it takes time, from my end I think about what I've done everyday. But I can also relate to what she's feeling by putting myself in her place. So yes I do feel both sides.

I too don't want to give up on this marriage, it's something I will fight for with everything I've got.

I do listen and let her talk and answer her truthfully, but it is tough, but I'm sure it's tougher from her end so I don't really resist at all. And she has told me she may regress eventhough things seem good. So I keep myself from feeling entirely normal since I am aware of all this. Like I said I take life day by day now and savor each day I get to wake up next to her. I'm always thanking GOD for keeping her in my life each day.

I hope I can make her feel better when my actions are showing her I love her and she's the only person I want forever. I try not to bring it on over the top for realistically it's hard to sustain but anytime I think about showing her my affections I usually walk over and hug her or give her a kiss or tell her I love her, or just encourage her with whatever we're talking about.
I dunno, just would like to hear peoples thoughts on this.

Last night might've been one of the worst nights we've had since the initial discovery....we were about to goto bed when she started reading through the IM chat session once again (she says she's trying not to read this anymore) and got sad, then angry...then ask me, "don't you think she should pay?" I told her I don't want anything more to do with that entire episode. But I didn't say she should pay because I lied to her as well not saying I was married. As one trying to strengthen? my Catholic faith I said what I said becuase of this. She didn't take it very well and turn away from me and started to cry and get angry. I tried to hold her but it became too tough so I left the house and to our church to pray to god to transfer all the pain and suffering she is feeling onto me. I told her don't worry I'll be back. I was at church for about 2-3 hours. When I left church I saw a note on my car, "I still love you...please come home safely". When I returned home she was on the couch waiting for me and cried uncontrollably when I got back and said she was so worried about me and didn't know when I would return because I just left without saying where or how long I'd be gone. I left my mobile at home as well. I was so devestated seeing her like this, I took her upstairs to bed and held her till she fell sleep crying uncontrollably in my arms. I was so helpless to do anything about this. I don't want to cause my wife any more pain like this.

- Am wrong if I ask her to get rid of the IM chat session so we can move forward in heeling?
- Am I wrong not to want to cause harm to the other person I was chatting with?

As far as I'm concerned that's a closed chapter in my life, I've closed that account and will never ever contact that person again, nor even think about doing something like this again. That's from my side, and I know it's not so easy for her.

She asked me how do I know that I'll never do that again, or when things get tough start to stray once again. How do I answer this? I tell her I promise it will never happen again, but at this point my word has no validity. I tell her it will never happen again because of my confession to God and the fact that I never want to cause her hurt like I have with this situation ever. I don't know if that's re-assuring enough for her and to tell you the truth I don't know what I can say to make her really believe other than just proving to her every day that this is true. Actions speak louder than words for me now.

Adivse please

I think she sees that there was enough punishments for her and for you, but not for the OW. She won't feel "satisfied" untill there are consequences to the OW.

Some might agree that the OW's husband has the right to know what was going on between you and his wife for him to make an informed decision on what to do with his marriage, whether to work on it, fixing it or end it. Since there were no consequences to this OW's action, it's likely that she will do it again with someone else.

You were responsible for it and you might have the duty to disclose it to the OW's husband and that's clearly what your wife wants.

I recommend you re-read the following portions of your latest post. See if you can come to the same conclusion that I will note at the end.






You say that actions speak louder than words. That is true and you need to live it. What was your action? Leaving the house for hours without saying where you were going, how long you'd be gone and without any way of contacting you. That was a big mistake. A BS is devastated and worries about what the WS is up to. BS's are fearful that the WS will leave. Your BW needs to be with you and/or know where you are all the time. You need to be completely accountable. The better solution would have been to ask your BW if she would like to go to church with you. If she did not, you could ask if you could go to church by yourself. If she said she would rather you didn't, then don't. If she's OK with it, take your phone so she can check up on you if necessary.

What were your words? "Don't worry, I'll be back." This is way too vague to be comforting to a BS. As you have already written, "my word has no validity." So don't provide words as much as you provide actions.

If you want to help your BW, which it really sounds like you do, be there for her, answer her questions as best you can, be honest, and continually reassure her. This will take time, and it will be "tough." Don't respond to things being "tough" by running away. That action will send a message to your BW that it is what you will do in the future.

You are perfectly correct, I left because I was so hurt to what I was doing that I needed to spill my thoughts to God.
It was wrong to leave without her permission and no way for her to contact me, I now know that. I told her I wish she would've come into the church when she was leaving a note on my car. I will ask for her permission for everything I do now (I don't mean things like going to the bathroom). I feel so bad today because of my idiot knee jerk reactions lastnight. Seeing her so sad and crying last night hurt me alot.

Have you ever plan on telling the OW's husband about what was going on? It seems that your wife wants it and you also owe it to the OW's husband to let him know what's going on.

You made a mess for your marriage, but you're fixing it now. You also made a mess at another man's marriage, as a moral person, you have to inform him so he can fix it or make an informed decision. Walking away pretending you did not do anything is just wrong, even if you're not a Christian.

I might be crazy to try and justify that the OW didn't know but from the OW's point of view nothing really was going on....Alot of the conversations were normal 'what's going on stuff' there were some flirtatious replies back and forth but I was the one who wrote things like let's meet when I get out there, etc...but in my mind with no intentions of following through (to me it was just chatting) the OW actually didn't want to, she stated that she's married now and has two kids, so what was between us before was just that...before in the past. She still thought I was single because I never told her I was already married, from my BW's eyes I was the one initiating everything.

I am not admitting I didn't do anything wrong, infact I am totally admitting to have comitted a sin in front of GOD.

Help us understand the content of those emails:

What exactly were said on those emails or instant messages? Was it let's meet just for lunch or potential later at some hotel?

If this other woman didn't want to, why is your wife mad at her? If she is mad at her and she didn't want to, your wife is being irrational and focus and target her anger at the wrong person.

Honestly now, if the other woman said she will meet up with you, do you really think you wouldn't go for it?

Instant messaging, it was let's meet for lunch...but I said stupid things like "c'mon make time for me when I'm out there....", " I'm going solo to the wedding, maybe I'll nail a bridesmaid"....
She is mad because as insignificant as the IM chats might turn out to be it's caused our 10 year releationship (BF & GF prior to being married) to turn upside down and her trust in me destroyed. I guess because she continued to chat with me rather than just saying, "look I'm blocking you...."
With regards to following through, for me that becomes reality outside of the IM chats so I wouldn't have gone through with it.
But the damage has been done........

[quotethe wrong person.

Instant messaging, it was let's meet for lunch...but I said stupid things like "c'mon make time for me when I'm out there....", " I'm going solo to the wedding, maybe I'll nail a bridesmaid"....
She is mad because as insignificant as the IM chats might turn out to be it's caused our 10 year releationship (BF & GF prior to being married) to turn upside down and her trust in me destroyed. I guess because she continued to chat with me rather than just saying, "look I'm blocking you...."
With regards to following through, for me that becomes reality outside of the IM chats so I wouldn't have gone through with it.
But the damage has been done........ [/quote]

Just because she didn't stop chatting with you doesn't mean she's guilty, as long as she didn't flirt back sexually. If she didn't, you or your wife has no business contacting her husband.

I believe this incident can help you strengthen your love for her and your respect for your marriage. But, I can't say the samething about her love for you and her respect for the marriage. Next time when a guy flirt with her, she won't feel so bad/guilty with flirting back ... which can lead to other things.

Last night went better, when I got home I hugged her and cried for what I did the night before leaving without saying where or when I'd be back, even though she found me at church. I told her it was stupid and wrong to do and I'll never ever do something like that again without telling her first.
We didn't discuss any incidents at all last night. We're also going through with her decision to leave work, unrelated, in that she's been quite unhappy in her career and wants a career change. I'm backing her on this decision 100% because I've seen her throughout the years come home and say this career is not for her. I guess you could say timing now would be bad, but I still feel the same about this topic before and after the incident. I know big decisions shouldn't be made during these situations but both of us feel it's the right thing to do.

This morning was good despite her saying:

- you wanted to talk to that woman more than me
- I feel bad since we're currently trying to start a family
- All that chatting didn't mean a thing?
- Do you still love me?
- Why did you have this online affair?

It's hard for me to gauge what stage she is in now....she did tell me for us to start a family she will have to forgive me. I totally want to put this stupid lapse in judegment (I still need to identify why I did this) behind us and start a family and prove to her I really love her before and after this incident.

Like I said, I take things day by day now since that's all I have....