I have not been back here for a about a year, but needed some advice now. I am currently separated from my husband and want a divorce. He was having an affair for five years, I knew for four years, We have two son and I stay in the marriage for their sakes, but I can not do it anymore. He promise he would stop time after time and never did. Always stay out late, either at the casino or elsewhere with the girlfriend. Anyway, I have enough and drop my two son off at my parents this last weekend and took off for a day and one night. Came back and he was angrier beyond words, broke my brother's quitar and hit my son on the leg so I threw him out. He is now staying at his brother. I already told him I want a divorce. It is normal for me not to feel any angry towards him or sad, beside relief.

Hi HappyFeet,

It sounds like your husband has had you right where he wants you. Dr. Harley explains that wayward spouses are getting some needs met by you and some by his girlfriend. As long as you both stay, he'll continue with the same behavior. He also says that it's impossible to save a marriage when the OW is still around. But, it seems like there are several options in between.

Have you read about Plan A and Plan B? One way or the other, the situation will continue to deteriorate for you if you continue to live with the situation as it is. It might be worth it for you to call Dr. Harley during his radio program for advice on the best course of action.

In my opinion, emotions are different for each person. I could hardly breath through the pain when my ex was having his affair and it always baffled me how other people were still able to function. I truly loved my husband and thought we'd be together until death, although sometimes now I wonder why. To this day I still struggle with anger and sadness. I can't even stand to drive by his house to drop off my daughter and I haven't laid eyes on him since we moved out of our house. I never want to see him again as long as I live. But, those powerful emotions are mostly my own fault for putting up with his inconsiderate behavior toward me since the beginning of our 15 year marriage and then putting up with a 3 year affair on top of that, totaling 18 years of frustration and pain. I learned that we teach people how to treat us by what we are and are not willing to tolerate.

My own emotions are fueled by my loneliness. My family is all three states away - too far for help if I need it. I fear that I may never find a loving partner. I ache for the family my daughters have lost and their new insecurities borne of an unfaithful, incredibly selfish father figure. So we each have different things that add to what we feel.

Dr. Harley uses the analogy of a love bank. We make withdrawals from our spouse when they experience our unloving behavior and we make deposits when they experience our loving behavior. It sounds like your love bank is overdrawn and so it's relieving to you to get away from the person causing the withdrawals. I was bankrupt in the first couple of years of my marriage and my ex's affair happened because he was bankrupt from the emotional fatigue he created in me with his withdrawals, in addition to expecting more than a person can give. His withdrawals within me were caused by his incessant pornography use, his financial irresponsibility and his disinterest in the things that were important to me (a balanced budget, bills paid on time so the creditors weren't always calling, not finding his porn videos hidden behind the children's videos!!!, etc.)

So, that's how the love bank works. You're empty and your husband's balance is being maintained by you and his girlfriend. It's like he's riding two horses and one is pulling away, so he's panicking (smashing guitars and such) that he's going to fall. But, it has to stop. He's using his affair to avoid dealing with reality. I think you should call Dr. Harley's radio program and begin there. Also read his books, if you haven't already.

My best wishes for you.