Can I ask a question? Please forgive me if this seems naive or if I'm being defensive.
Obviously, affairs cause a lot of pain. I know cause we're dealing with it. I was unfaithful to my husband and hurt him very badly. His first thought was to call the OMW but I asked him not to. I called OM myself and told him that my H may do it and I thought he should confess to her himself.
I'm sorry but it just seems sophomoric. That's what I did in high school. We are adults. If we have been betrayed then we have to decide if we want to continue the relationship. Why should we tell everyone that our spouse knows? I don't understand the philosphy. An eye for an eye?
If you choose to stay with the spouse that betrayed you, wouldn't it be counterproductiove to publicly humiliate and shame them? How does that build trust or rebuild a marriage?
When my H discovered my affair, I am the one who told my family. I am the one who called to tell my loved ones that I was an awful person. I know that I let them down. What good can possibly come from "tattling" on your spouse?
If my husband chose to humiliate me or try to bully me like that I might not be inclined to stay and work on it.

Oh lord I can't touch this one....mel...mk...anyone want to chime in?

Have no fear,
(if past actions are any indication of future ones)
she'll be back along shortly to DELETE the threads she starts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The purpose of exposing the affair is to kill it and keep it killed. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them is like chemotherapy to cancer. It also increases the chances the affair won't resume if others know about it. It is done maliciously and that is not the point of exposure.

What brings humiliation is bad behavior, not exposure. We are supposed to feel humiliated about our bad behavior, that is a sign of REMORSE, decency. And a person who is not remorseful is not in recovery.


Trust is earned by behaving in a trustworthy manner. There is nothing untrustworthy about exposing an affair, but it is untrustworthy to have an affair.

p.s. resentment about exposure of an affair is usually a sign of a LACK of advanced recovery. People who are recovered accept that exposure is a consequence of their own bad behavior. show me someone who resents exposure and I will show you someone who is NOT recovered.

I'm right here, ya know. I'm asking an honest question. I really am wondering cause I'm reading a lot of posts that talk about exposure and I would like to know what the purpose is.
Top Rope, I deleted my other posts cause I felt vulnerable but I reentered some and continued the threads. I see lots of posts deleted. Why is that such a problem?

Which the OM probably never quite got around to doing.


So.......the OMW is probably living unaware with a cheating spouse who now that he knows he can get away with it will likley do it again. Maybe he will bring home a nasty STD and pass it on to her someday. Won't that make you feel good if that is how she finds out about her WH.

You're right, affairs are very sophmoric.

Your H should have been the one to contact the OMW. You should have NEVER contacted the OM again, that was extremely disrespectful to your H and most BS would not tolerate that.

Secondly, the OM is the least qualified and least reliable person to tell the OMW the truth since he is a liar. It is unlikely she will get the truth out of a liar.

Another good reason that your H should contact the OMW i so she can watch him - and you - for any resumed contact. The affair is much less likely to resume with 2 ppl watching. You are less likely to contact the OM if you know she is watching. She must know about the affair so she can protect herself from you and her H.

That is why it is in EVERYONE'S best interest for your H to contact her himself.

Exposure is NOT punitive. It is the morally right thing to do. Which is exactly why WS's don't understand it.

Are you saying the exposure is done maliciosly or the affair? When my sister discovered her BF's affair she exposed him and it wasn't pretty. She was hysterical and made him call every one of her friends to tell them what he'd done. At 6 a.m. This is the image I get.
I've asked my DH if he's told anyone and he hasn't. Not a single person. Not even his sister. I have told my oldest daughter, sisters, father, friends and a couple of co-workers. Partly to confess my sin and partly cause I needed to talk. I wouldn't mind my husband talking about it. I wish he would tell someone but he's very private. He doesn't discuss his life with anyone.
I agree that letting it out relieves the pressure of the secret...for everyone...even the WS. The lies do become a heavy burden.
What is advanced recovery? How do you know you're there? I know that I don't feel as bad as I should (I'm ready for my whack now). I do feel bad for hurting my DH. But there was that part of me that really believed I loved OM. I still believe it. No that didn't justify my actions in any way but affairs are messed up so there is no justification. This is a hard thing to "get over"

No...he told her. I wasn't sure that my DH wouldn't call. He had her number on the phone bill so he could have. She kicked him out for a while but let him come home and they started counseling.
I know this man very well and he's not a habitual cheater. I was the only person she was concerned about because we were old flames. My DH didn't realize that we were as involved as we were when we were younger.
Yes, I agree that affairs are sophomoric.

How do you know all that?

The purpose of exposure is to kill an affair, not to be malicious. It is done to effect an end to the affair. And after the affair, there are certain people that SHOULD be told, such as both betrayed spouses, children, and sometimes employers if applicable.

Affairs should not be kept secret, though, because they THRIVE on secrecy.


Usually genuine remorse and a concern for your VICTIM instead of what consequences you might have to endure. Taking accountability for the consequences of your actions instead of blaming others. For example, blaming others for your humiliation when it is your behavior that caused the humiliation, not theirs.


Most affairees feel the same way. It is the rule rather than the exception. Nothing different here.

So if this is true is it not the very proof you asked for why exposure is in everyone's best interest?

And again, how do you know all this about them now?

He is a liar and a cheater, though. His word means nothing. Your H should call her up and make sure she knows the full adulterated truth. If I were you, I feel obligated to make sure my victim knew so she could protect herself.

Do you still talk to the OM? Why? And does your husband know? Have you sent the OM a no contact letter and agreed to never ever be in contact again?

Luckily we live in different states so there won't be a chance meeting. My husband is very vigilant about the phones. He checks mine everyday...our home phone...and he works for the cell company. He has also put a key logger on the computer so I couldn't e-mail him. (He has since taken it off.)
I do still believe that while I was in the affair that I loved OM. Right now, I haven't come to the point in my personal recovery to realize anything different. I hope that I will not resume the affair. I hope that if I ever truly believe that I would be better off with OM that I will tell my DH. I am planning on staying in my marriage. We are working on it. Nonetheless, it's hard. OM has been a part of my life for 30 years. He's been my friend for much longer than he was my affair partner. We messed up and we know it.
As for disrespecting my DH...I called OM the night of D-day to tell him and he told his wife right away.
I'm still learning how to deal with all of this. The more time I spend on MB, the more I learn. I try to tell DH what I'm learning but he is not wanting to talk about the affair anymore.
I told him yesterday that we need to fill out the EN questionairre. He said he would. (Sorry, I guess I changed the subject.)
As for exposure...I can't control what happens on the OM side of things. They are dealing with it their own way. DH and I are dealing with it ours. Is there anything else my DH and I should do in the way of exposure? I've told everyone close to me except for my younger children. Who should he tell? Like I said, he hasn't told anyone.

PeaSoup,

I think you have only gotten a piece of the picture with regard to exposure. I would urge you read Dr. Harley's thoughts on it and its power.

Permit me to try and offer you what I feel is the step by step of this exposure procedure.

With your permission I will refer to you and your H, although what I am going to say doesn't directly apply to you two, I believe.

Let's say your H finds out about the affair, and you/OM end it on discovery. Then there is no need for exposure because the purpose of exposure is to end the affair. It is that simple. It is not about revenge as you will see in a moment.

But...others chime in what about OM's W?? No for the purposes of ending the affair she does not need to know. Fair enough as far as that goes. However, if your H had an affair wouldn't you want to know about it, so that YOU could decide if you wanted to remain in the marriage? Wouldn't you want to know so that YOU could get tested for STD's? Won't you want to know so that what has been going in your marriage in the recent past could be understood and IF you decided to rebuild the marriage with your WH, you would know what the issues really were?

I think you might answer yes to all of those questions. In fact, most of us would answer yes. So the fair thing to do is to inform the OM's W. This has the added benefit that Mel pointed out, it means that both marriages and their issues are now out in the light of day. It means that both bS's can keep an eye on things, because affairs are very very addictive.

So the usual advice is expose to the other person's spouse.

Now let's say that the affair does not end. What is the BS to do. From much experience here the WS is not likely to listen to the BS with regard to ending the affair and rebuilding the marriage. THe WS doesn't really trust the BS much more than the BS trusts the WS.

Further as Mel has already said, affairs are by nature secretive, insular, and feeding on a rather circular logic that does not encompass the rest of the world.

So how to address these two issues. Dr. Harley strongly espouses exposure. Bring the affair into the light of day. He knows, as do people that have been here for a long time, that affair do end. The end faster IF the affair is exposed to the light of day. Further, it is known that the marriage has no chance of healing if the affair is ongoing. And if the affair drags on, the BS may have endured enough pain to just walk away destroying the family and the marriage. So the idea is to end the affair if at all possible.

But, the problem is that the BS knowing has not ended it. Harley recommends that you tell people that have influence on the WS, and you do so by asking for their help to end the marriage. In short, the Bs is seeking help to try and convince the WS that the affair must end and that the BS really wants to try to rebuild the marriage.

The point here is that revenge really has little role in this, and if it is just being done for revenge the chances of the marriage making it go down. So people are encouraged to expose because it has been shown to be a very effective way to accelerate the end of the affair, but what should be noted is the way it is to be exposed...the BS seeking help in saving the marriage and help from someone close to the WS via talking to them, hoping that these other people (friends family, work associates) can get through when the BS cannot.

Does this make more sense? The point of exposure is seek help, not revenge. Revenge motivated exposure weakens the chance of the marriage recovering although it might well hasten the end of the affair. Support motivated exposure also hastens the end of the affair, but means that BS wants the marriage to recover. AND since now friends and family now know what often happens is that the BS as wellas the WS get the benefit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> of other peoples advice on their behavior.

Please note that when a BS exposes they open themselves up for criticism as well. In fact more than a few BS posters have been reluctant to expose not just out of fear for the WS's anger, but for much it makes them feel that people will think they are losers who could not hold on to their spouse.

Are you sensing the difference? Often here we expouse exposure but don't go into the details. It is presumed that the people have read Harley's articles on this subject.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

PS: And the BS is ALWAYS warned that the WS will be mad, really really mad. That never fails to happen. What also happens is that the affairs often end, and then there is a chance for recovery.

Cheating on two marriages is not the act of mature adults - it's an adolescent way to deal with adult stresses. 'We are adults' may be biologically true, but the brutal fact is that people who betray marriages are developmentally stunted. A properly mature person may not stick with an impossible marriage, but they don't betray the vows they made to themselves and their spouse.

So why expect your affair partner to exhibit mature, responsible characteristics towards his wife? Why expect him to suddenly develop the kind of maturity and honesty that he has shown himself to lack by having an affair with you? Why trust him to step up to the plate and behave honourably, when he has so signally failed to do so before?

This is just delusion, of the kind that fueled the affair in the first place. You are inventing positive characteristics where there is no evidence any exist, just as you did during the affair.

Affairs thrive on secrecy. Once exposed to the light, the flaws of both parties are revealed, and the sheer pleasure of illicit connection is lost. The shame felt by the guilty party is exactly what should be felt. It is humiliating to BOTH parties, don't forget, and an act of bravery on the part of the BS.

Your OM's wife has a right to know that her husband is capable and willing to put her in the gravest danger. Do you have any idea what it's like to lie in stirrups in an STD clinic, when you yourself have been sexually continent in your marriage? If the OM was capable of cheating on her with you, he's capable of doing it with others. She has a right to be told that.

Telling your family is one thing. They're likely to be on your side, and we don't know what you actually told them. Telling the OMW is something else - there's likely to be a much less positive, and much more emotional response. Do you think that might have something to do with your reluctance to tell her?

Let's assume your child's teacher is a dangerous paedophile, who has somehow slipped through the net. Do you think that HE should tell you he's a danger? Do you think he would? If his friend or family member knows his proclivities, do you think they should keep that to themselves, on the basis that it's the paedophile's responsibility to warn people?

Right now, you are that paedophile's friend, keeping your information to yourself.

TA

Peasoup, the most important exposure here should be to the OMW. That is in your best interest, the OM's best interest and most especially, your HUSBAND'S best interest. The OM is a liar and a cheat who can't be relied upon to tell the truth. That is why your H needs to call the OMW and make sure she knows. If she already knows, then there is nothing lost. But if she does not know, much will be lost.

No one else needs to know.


Good idea. Because such a belief, that you would be better off with the OM, would be false. You would all be worse off. It would be the worst mistake you ever made in your life. Affairs are founded on fraud and deceit which is why 95% of them never make it to marriage, and of those that do, 80% of those end in divorce. That is because all of the traits that are necessary for marriage are not there, such as honesty, fidelity, faithfulness, respect for vows. Without that, there is nothing but a FEELING and feelings ebb and flow and change weekly.

My girlfriend left her H of 30 years for her OM. She was madly in love and they were going to get married. He even left his wife and 2 children! Well, guess what? As soon as her divorce was final and her brokenhearted husband moved on, the OM DUMPED HER and went back to his wife! He said she couldn't be "trusted." Now, my friend [former] has lost her marriage, and her children will not talk to her or allow her to see her own grandchildren. They view her as UNFIT to be around their own children. She has lost EVERYTHING dear to her in life. EVERYTHING. She sacrificed EVERYTHING for an affair that fizzled out in 2 years. It is the worst mistake she ever made in her life.

Peasoup, I want to also applaud you for doing your best. I know you are a little foggy now and new to recovery, but I can TELL you are trying and that your heart is in the right place! Please let us know what we can do to help you recover. Would your husband come talk to us?

Peasoup...he wasn't your friend and he didn't care for you. If he did, he would never had helped you act in such a whorish and degrading fashion. We build up the people in our lives that we truly care about...we do not act in a way that helps them destroy their families and their worth. No, he treated with disdain...no matter how many nice words he said to you, he proved by his actions that he does not care for you at all. The things you held dear in your life were injured because of him. Would you consider him your friend if he set fire to your house..your car...or molested one of your children? Well, what he did was just as bad, if not worse, than those things. He helped you torch your marriage and along with it, possibly your future...and for what...so he could get his rocks off with his friend. Sorry, I just don't buy it. Friends don't let friends drive drunk...but...they will try and get in your pants.