I exposed to ALL!!!!! My husband wanted to rebuild our relationship and start to get trust back in immediately. That is the way to start. He knew how very wrong he was. I am very proud of him for going to my Mom, my brother, my sister, my friends, telling all he was very sorry for the pain he had caused me and asking forgiveness. He had no contact from the beginning of D-Day with the OW. It was the horrible OW that can not stop trying to contact him. I still check cell phone records every single month. Nothing on his end. It's been her calling and I see a 30 second call usually about once every 4 months when she gets out of rehab. My husband keeps telling her "do not call me again, get over it". My husband tells me about it and then I contact her husband. Some people just can not get out of the FOG!!!

This is so much BS. How can you start off with a rational
statement and then go so far off the deep end? The other
spouse doesn't have to worry about STDs unless you have
one. The OMs spouse may want to be ignorant. You don't have the right to impose "your will" on the innocent party.
The name of this game is vengence and you can race your
shadow around the bush all night trying to make it something else but it is VENGENCE. You have a right to
want vengence. But you don't have a right to take out
your vengence on the innocent spouse. Rarely do people
who are involved with affairs get away with it. If
the OM continues eventually he will be caught by the
spouse and live with the consiquences. Be satisfied
that the affair is over and deal with your own problem.
Put your desire for vengence aside. Be a Christian
for five minutes and forgive. In the long run there is
nothing to be gained by being an [censored]. Accept your
errant spouse back and build her up - don't tear her
down. Christ said "love one another" He did not say
abuse one another and call it love.
adue

JL...when you put it that way it makes more sense. Thinking of it as more of a cleansing and a way to get help from loved ones is more digestible than revenge. That's how I was envisioning it.
ML..I am trying. It's not easy though. Just cause we say it's over doesn't make it stop. Our worlds are still turning (Mine and DH.) We still have to live with our choices.
I know this will be an unpopular point here, but, I believe that OM is a better person than I am in a lot of ways. I feel like I am more guilty than him. You will all say that I am defending him but I can't let him take all of the blame. WE both showed up at the hotel. He didn't make me do anything. He feels worse about this than I do, I'm sure of it. I KNOW that he told his wife. He was absolutely ill. If anything, I feel like I destroyed his wife's life. In fact, I feel like I owe HER an apology...but I can't bring myself to contact her. It would be an insult I think. I know you'll all say that he didn't love me but I know that he did. He has since we were kids. We have both felt very strongly for each other. That's just a fact. I just want to be honest.
After a couple of days had past, I asked DH if he wanted to talk to OMW and he said no. He said that he thought about sending her a letter but decided against it. At first I begged him not to call her but after a few days I was willing to do anything to help DH feel better in any way.
He just doesn't operate like other men. He never raised his voice at me. He never once called me a name. NOT ONCE! I've been called more names on MB than by my own BH.
This recovery business isn't for the faint-hearted, that's for sure.
Right now I still feel shaky. I don't feel completely trustowrthy yet cause I do still think about him a lot. Like I said, it doesn't hurt as much when i do but he's still "right there".

Well this post doesn't surprise me at all coming from you Brenda...A WS who was cast out by her BS...still chasing or with OM after his poor wife died from a brain aneurysm, going to her grave without knowing the truth about her life...So Brenda, really your opinion regarding exposure is of no use to anyone here...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

brenda, that is about the biggest load of horseshit I have ever read on these boards.



This quote from brenda tells you all you need to know about this ho..she was rejoicing that her OM's wife had died and he was free. NGPOS.

That's not fair either. Brenda deserves respect and a voice just like the BS's on this board.
Ya know, there are two people in each of these broken down, beaten up marriages that are limping along on this board. Everyone that is here has come because they are in pain. I didn't have an affair becuase I thought it would be a cool thing to do. I didn't set out to rip out my H's heart. I didn't plan on this happening...but it did. I hate that this happened the way it did. I hate that I felt so abandoned and invisible in my marriage that I turned to another man to fill my need for love. This place is supposed to be about hope, right?
My exposure was because of a keylogger also. My husband confronted me with the phone bill and I denied everything. Then later that night I e-mailed OM to tell him that we were found out and that we needed to cut off contact for a while. I thought I had convinced my DH and that it was over (the inquiry.) Boy was I wrong! I was on-line later the next day with my daughter when I received an e-mail from my husband while he was at work. It was a cut and paste of my final e-mail to OM. And of course the message that DH wasn't coming home. I freaked out. I called everyone and confessed. I called OM and told him to tell his W. I reluctantly told my daughter. I left messages on my sisters phones stating that I was an awful person. It was awful.
Then he came home and we fought and then we talked and decided to work it out. He promised to take the keylogger off...but he didn't. For about 6 weeks.
When I found out that he was still spying on me I ran downstairs and erased everything I had ever saved on my computer. He sat next to me and asked why I was doing that. I stated that it didn't matter because I had no identity anymore. I was now just a cheating wife that only deserved to be treated like ****** and that no matter what I did he would never trust me again. He had access to everything and still felt the need to spy. So I said said screw it!
It was at that moment that he realized that we couldn't live that way. That if we were going to work, he couldn't obsess. That I was a free person and that he didn't want me to stay in the marriage if i didn't want to be here and that he didn't want me to stay out of obligation.
WE chose to work on our marriage together.
If we say we forgive then we have to mean it. It seems that it would take a ****** of a lot of energy to think of ways to spy on and humiliate a WS. If it's that bad, just leave. What kind of marriages will we have if it's based on who can lie better?

EEK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What was that odd sound??

oh nice, a "Christian" who believes its "love" to be deceitful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Who believes honesty is "abuse." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Dishonesty is not a "Christian" trait, bs, that is from the OTHER side. "Being an [censored]" is committing adultery and then lying about it. Christ said "love one another," NOT "LIE to one another. Good grief.

Is it necessary to call people names? Are all WS ****** and whoremongers? If so, then why stay married to such a horrible person?
What does that say about the BS's if we are all ******?

Advocating deceit, fraud and castigating Christians for promoting honesty is a profoundly disrespectful opinion that is not worthy of respect. It will get none from me.

when they are still wayward...yes, they are all ho's...male or female doesn't matter.

and peasoup...she was rejoicing int he death of the OM wife... why does she deserve respect?

I think your fog is as thick as peasoup.

Is it true, though? Brenda is worse than a HO if she really did that. If so, I think MEDC should apologize for insulting ho's with the comparison.

Is that true, Brenda, that you rejoiced when the OM's wife died of an aneurysm?

What is the purpose of this board, really?
Both parties need to heal. Both parties need to feel respected and loved.
Why is it necessary to have such hatred?
Brenda didn't cause the OMW death. However, he is probably feeling very guilty about hurting her before she died. Brenda is a reminder of that and he probably doesn't want to deal with that guilt anymore.
Brenda's comment seemed insensitive but she didn't mean for it to sound that way. Sometimes there's just no way to say something without it sounding wrong.

I apologize to the ho's...I gave them a bad name....
they didn't deserve to be compared to a vile creature that would rejoice in the death of a woman she hurt so very much.

why, it it to help ignorant people find appropriate ways to harm others and excuse their every move.



Respect is earned....and it isn't earned on your back with OM/OW.


It is right to hate evil. It is right to call it by its true name. It is wrong to candy coat it and act as though something as vile as rejoicing in the death of a BS is anything but pure evil.

Peasoup, forgiveness does not mean FORGETTING. The BS should not forget the affair until forgiveness has been EARNED by the WS. Dr. Harley does not believe in forgiveness until there has been JUST COMPENSATION.



The BS has an obligation to protect himself and as such, should spy on his spouse. Most especially until TRUST IS RESTORED. No spouse has the right to the privacy to have an affair. And any spouse that OBJECTS to snooping probably has something to HIDE.

Dr. Harley is a big advocate of snooping and encourages it:

Um, Peasoup...Guess ya didn't read my signature line, huh? I am a FWW...I am one of those in what ML called "advanced recovery" in fact...Look, exposure is an affair busting technique endorsed by MB...So when anyone comes here, to Marriage Builders and tries to denigrate the techniques and principles they better darn well be ready to have their [censored] handed to them, be they BS or WS...Brenda is just sore because OM is now rejecting her...she very much remains in a WS mindset...You, on the other hand, seem to be trying to pull yourself out of the fog...I commend you for that, but would advise you not to shoot at your rescuers while here...

And you know, I wouldn't care one whit if Mr. W chose to put a keylogger on my computer, a GPS on my car or whatever...I've offered those things...and honestly, if he did so without my knowledge and I somehow found out I wouldn't be upset-and we are 2.5 years into recovery...Whatever he needs, I am willing to do...Our family means that much to me...That's the place you need to strive to get to...

Mrs. W

MEDC, with 4500 posts, you've been here a while. Why are you here? Are you a BH or BW? How long ago was the affair? Is your WS a ho? Do you call them that to their face? Do you love your S? Do you believe in your heart that your S is a ho?

and that is what makes Mrs. W a gem of a spouse...despite her FWW status, she is to be respected because she has earned it every single step of her recovery.

Especially when the intent is cruel and heartless and vicious, huh? Sorta tends to come out wrong when you are dancing on your victim's grave and your intentions are evil. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />