mine is history...she wants back in, but never earned respect or trust, so I moved on....hope that answers your question.

And so that you hear it loud and clear this time.....EVERY WS IS A HO IN MY MIND. WHEN THEY STOP THAT BEHAVIOR THEY LOSE THE LABEL.

Brenda, that is the stupidest statement I have ever heard. Period.

PeaSoup, this whole thread has a "it's really not over" fog all through it.

The whole question about the selective need to expose is contrary to the very foundation of this forum and it's generous hosts.

Some of the best and brightest here have explained why it is necessary.

Believe in #5 posts Brenda if you will.

I will listen to JL and Mel and MEDC and the Wonderings.

I don't mean to shoot at anyone. Sometimes it seems that emotions get carried away since this is an extremely emotional topic. I am still learning my way around and yeah, sometimes I don't like what I hear. And I may not completely agree with the MB techniques. Different counselors have different methods.
In fact, my therapist doesn't think that an affair that was found out will really end if it didn't end on it's own. He encouraged my husband to let me call or see OM and end it for real. About 1 month after d-day I had gone back home to my neices graduation. Yes I went alone and NO I didn't have contact with OM. While driving home my husband called me and told me that he was thinking about it and decided that if I needed to talk to OM to end it and say good-bye that I could. I didn't do it then cause I didn't want to upset his wife and I didn't know where they were in their recovery. So a couple of days later I e-mailed him to say that I wanted to talk to him and could I call him the next day. He responded that I could. We spoke the next morning and it made me really sad to say goodbye but I did and so did he. I told him that I didn't know if I'd ever talk to him again and to take care of himself.
When I got to work I was slow so I was checking my e-mail. Well, DH sent me another cut and paste of my e-mail to OM asking if I could call him. He was furious. I immediately left work and came home. He said it was over. When I got home I explained that I was only doing what he told me to do. That's when I realized that the keylogger was still on. He knew that I hadn't had any contact with OM for a month and after he told me that I could contact him then he got pissed when I did. Well, I don't know if this example really states my point...but I know I had a point in here somewhere. Oh yeah, different techniques.
Bottom line for me was that I felt relieved being able to speak to him and tell him goodbye. Ending the A the way it first ended was very traumatic and didn't work. I only missed him more.
I can't say one word to defend my actions. What I did was wrong. Having an affair is wrong. But like my therapist says, we all have a journey. There are reasons for everything that happens. We have to deal with these situations and figure out how to reconnect as a couple. My husband NEVER called me a ******. My therapist NEVER called me a ******.
Believe it or not, us WS's do feel bad. We kick our own asses pretty good. I guess that's why we come here.

I suggest you unload your therapist. The "therapy" you are getting will be very hard on your marriage.

I do think your heart is in the right place and it will be possible for you to have a better marriage than before. But this therapist isn't going to make the grade.

I'm not taking Brenda's side. I feel compelled to defend her as a person. She is troubled. She made a mistake and has paid dearly for it. Don't you think? She has no husband, no OM and is alone in this world. One day she will come to her senses but this day is hard for her. She wasn't unfaitful for 3 years after her affair. She tried to work on it and he left her. She discovered that OM's wife had died..she was happy that was available not that his wife died. Let's be reasonable. I don't think Brenda is evil. Can't we please have compassion? Is that out of the question?
As for my fog, yes I'm still in it...that's why I'm here. Asking for help doesn't mean I have to take every word as gospel, does it? I am still an individual, right? I am figuring it out as I go and asking questions. JL and Uzzah have been hanging in there with me. Yeah, they say things I don't want to hear...but if they attack me it does not one bit of good. No one is going to respond positively to being called names and spoken to like we are worthless.
I am trying. I think most people here are trying.

Peasoup...

Get a new therapist...that one SUCKS outloud...A therapist that encourages you to do WRONG is NOT a therapist that I would be paying my hard earned money to...

Here's the thing, when you emailed/called OM you stabbed your husband again...no matter what he told you you could do-don't you see? He so wanted to see you choose him...take his feelings in to account? And you didn't...you chose YOU and OM...How painful that was for your husband...And you know what? All you did was set yourself back too...If you would have just maintained your NC, the withdrawal symptoms would have passed...I promise you...Instead you stabbed your husband again...I get that...I did something similar myself early into NC...But you have to start considering your husband's feelings...Where is your empathy???

And sure there are other techniques out there, but MB is far and away the BEST...You know, the fastest horse may not always win, but it sure is the smartest one to bet on, huh? You can't do this cafeteria style, it's all or nothing...you game? If so, we'll all be here to help...

Mrs. W

Gotta love that Mrs. W.

My husband likes our therapist. I told DH that I didn't feel like we were getting anywhere cause I don't have enough "homework". That's not fair, we are doing better but I do think we have stalled.
I want to see someone that can halp me figure out why this happened and maybe I need to find that in individual treatment.
I do want a better marriage than before. When I tell my husband this he says that he does too. However, he also says stuff like "what if this is all I have?" "What if I can't give you what you need?"
How do I respond to statements like that?

Peasoup, the reason that most therapists are failures is because they give terrible advice like yours did. Very few even understand infidelity. Dr. Harley DOES. He is a licensed clinical psychologist with several books to his credit.

For you to contact your OM again was terribly destructive and unbelievably disrespectful and cruel to your husband. It did not help your recovery one whit and put you both back to Day 1 of recovery. An affair is an addiction and contact is the equivalent of having another drink. One does not recover until drinking CEASES, just as in affairs, one does not recover until all contact ends.

Your therapist, sadly, sounds like a moron who does not understand the basic dynamics of infidelity which makes him dangerous. Marriage counselors have the lowest success rate of any of the counseling venues, 14%, and this is one of the reasons why.

The reason that we come here is to learn MARRIAGE BUILDERS principles, not "different techniques," especially destructive ones that advocate continued contact.

I hope that you will follow the advice of a QUALIFIED specialist in marriage and adultery, Dr. Harley, and send your OM a letter of no contact written by you and mailed by your husband. That would be the FIRST STEP in redeeming yourself and earning your H's forgiveness.

I would also strongly suggest that you send your H here so we can help him get on the right track in view of the fact that your counselor is a moron.

Peasoup...

Here is MelodyLane's signature line...


Read it...repeat it...learn it...believe it...it is TRUE...

Mrs. W

Mrs. W that does make sense. Please be aware that this took place 4 1/2 months ago. We are past that point...I think.
Sometimes though, I really don't know where we are.
I have been telling DH about MB. He actually told me about this site right after d-day.
I have not told him that I'm on the boards though. I'm afraid that he'll figure out who I am and be hurt more. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I have. He is reluctant to talk about the affair anymore. He is very vague in his responses to me now. He also has a hard time of telling me what he needs. He tells me he wants to know that he's loved and that I'm here and that I don't have another affair.
Seems way too simple. He has to need more than that in his life. I need a ****** of a lot more.

Misplaced compassion gives power to EVIL. I believe I will save my compassion for Brenda's VICTIMS. Brenda is a cruel, heartless individual who needs no compassion. She needs JUSTICE, not misplaced sympathy.

What your husband needs is what Dr. Harley calls JUST COMPENSATION in order to forgive you and live in a restored marriage. I would suggest printing this up and handing it to him: [perhaps your therapist could learn about adultery from it, too]


entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

I'm going to leave Brenda's battles to Brenda for now. I can't fight anymore tonight.
I don't know which is tougher...recovering from an affair or MB's heavyweights!
Good night all!

ML,
I had read the article before but just re-read it. It all starts to blend together casue there is so much here. I need a link every once in a while to point me into the right direction.
Compensation for my DH? I'm trying. But how can I repay him this debt? REally? I ask him but I think it just takes time.
I don't know if any of you read my post where I admitted to having a relapse after my NC talk with OM. We have had several weeks of contact via e-mail. Mostly friendly. Some sad. No sex talk or affair talk. Mostly how have you been, how is it going, this is really hard...yada, yada, yada. I sent another NC to him 2 weeks ago, after coming here, and he has obliged.
No I didn't tell DH. So yes that means I'm still lying to him and I don't want to tell him and hurt him. I am not talking to OM. I am trying really hard.
But I can't do anymore tonight...

Peasoup - you're therapist is a total idiot. The only reason you see this as an emotional subject is because you are a WS.

Believe what you like.

Dr Harley has an excellent track record with dealing with infidelity. It's his site. You see posters here with thousands of posts who have worked the program successfully in their marriages. Do your own thing, do whatever you like, but me, along with many others here will do what the good Dr says and we have happy recovered marriages to show for it.

And peasoup - Brenda is just carrying water for and enabling waywards. You REALLY don't want to listen to a foghorn. You may feel she's being ganged up on? Well I guess she is. Wayward mindsets have a short shelf life here. Lose the mindset or they will leave. It's really that simple.

You are hurting him by lying to him, PS. No wonder you resent snooping and exposure so much, you have something to HIDE.

What you are doing to your husband is profoundly cruel, Peasoup. He needs to know you have continued contact so he can protect himself from you and notify the OMW so she can protect herself and her children.

Tell your H the truth, PeaSoup. That is the decent thing to do. Tell him now, Peasoup, and send him to this forum so we can help him. Thanks.

Peasoup...

You tell your husband what you did regarding the email contact...then you ask him to put the keylogger back onto your computer-yes, that's right you VOLUNTEER to give him the peace of mind that he needs and deserves...You VOLUNTEER any and all passwords to every email account you've got-yep even the secret one...You VOLUNTEER EVERY single thing you can think of...Go to him with a humble heart Peasoup...Look at this as a team effort-let your husband be your accountability partner...This marriage belongs to both of you and you will both benefit greatly from a successful recovery...But you gotta start with honesty...that is the solution to adultery Peasoup, not more lies...

Take a look at where you are placing your compassion-you give it to Brenda a WS STRANGER and withhold it from your dear sweet BH-who still remains by your side even after all that you've done to destroy him...Surely you can see how wrong that is, right?

And if it seems like I am hammering you, well then good...means some of this is hitting it's mark...It also means that I believe that you have what it takes to do this the right way...I want to see you succeed...

Bring your husband here Peasoup...

Mrs. W

You will begin to FEEL GOOD when you DO GOOD...FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS...

Tell your husband today...Will you do that Peasoup?

Mrs. W