I've been seperated from my wife now for 2 years now, at her request I might add. I've done everything I could to work on me, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and now that I have matured immensely, I'm at my wits end waiting for her to come around. I've posted here before stating my situation, and now I think I'm ready to talk to her about our future. 18 months ago she said it was over, and I told her that I wouldn't contest a divorce if thats what she wanted, but here we are 18 months later, and she still hasn't made a move. It was never my desire to divorce, but it is also not my desire to stand pat and wait for her forever. I've prayed, and prepared myself for the worst, but the worst is just waiting. Our kids have seemed to become reserved to the fact that we might not get back together, but they haven't been told anything definitively, and I just want to start getting on with life. We haven't talked about us in over a year, again at her request, but I just want to know what's what. How do I go about getting her to let me know where we stand, becasue if she really wanted to divorce, she could have by now??????

i think it is time to have a conversation and if she still does not know what she wants i think it is time to move on....

has she been dating or is/was there another man involved?

mlhb

She had been going out alot, and I know of one A last year, but as of late, I don't think that she is. In fact, I think that she got out there and seen that the grass is not greener, but is too stubborn to admit it. Like I said, we've had no conversation about "us" in over a year, but she always seems so bitter, as if I left on my own. She asked me to leave!!!! I don't even know what I would say if we did talk. I don't want to come off as weak, but if she is looking for an olive branch, I don't want to give her a sticker briar.

I think there are three possibilities. The first is that she has the sort of temperament that NEEDS you to take charge and make decisions. (You should assess your own temperament to see how you two may be short-circuiting each other. You can get an inborn temperament analysis through the National Christian Counselor's Association and any master-degreed member and it's pretty inexpensive). She may need you to appear strong, powerful, respectable, in control, so that she feels safe in the world. Some women just need to see this power in their husbands. Their need for security is greater. If it's financial, they don't have to be rich, just stable and growing. If it's for personal protection, you need to show her more of your positive masculine strengths. Think "Blast From The Past", the movie in which Brandon Frazier's character finally realizes he needs to begin acting less like a good boy and more like a good man. Good boys are BORING and we don't want to be your mother. You don't have to know everything, you just have to appear that you're capable and confident. Which leads me to two...

The second possibility is that she's DYING for you to show a strong, masculine side and a PASSION for her. She wants to be pursued by a competent masculine, protective, providing, stable man. It's normal for women to be attracted to masculinity and masculine traits. I recommend an excellent book called "No More Christian Nice Guy". Women aren't attracted to men who are willing to be pushed around. Some are at first, but later they become frustrated with them, due to the woman's need for security, especially while bearing and raising children. So, she may be testing you and waiting to see those characteristics, not knowing how to name what's frustrating her.

Third and worst-case scenario... Have the conversation and be prepared to move on. It could be she's using you to provide for her in some way while she goes out looking for what she really wants so she can 'step over' to that. (From the little that you've said, it doesn't seem that that is her nature. Also, I personally tend to think the best of people and believe in giving them enough slack to prove their character or hang themselves (reveal their true character.))

Some people are expert at pushing us away until we're so fed up we're forced to take responsibility for ending the relationship. She may not want to take the responsibility so she can blame you for the bad consequences, if there are any. Also, she may be behaving bitterly in an attempt to sabotage your relationship and your efforts. The amazing result of this tactic is they're the ones who do all the damage and they set themselves up to win all the sympathy, or at a minimum, to deflect attention from themselves and their own culpability. She may not really be aware of what or who she wants in a husband and so she may hang onto you just-in-case it is you she eventually wants. She may not be aware of what's motivating her actions, but only be reacting to impulses. It looks like immaturity and poor life skills to me and it sort of appears passive-aggressive (also an indication of poor relational skills). You might try gaining some skills on how to deal with someone who's so fearful that they don't feel safe sharing their feelings. Google "dealing with passive-aggressive people". It probably has nothing to do with you. You might also consider finding her a safe neutral person, like a counselor, with whom she can share without the fear of pushing you away. Maybe a counselor can show her how to express herself to you by helping her forgive herself for whatever she's feeling. She would have to go to this person with that understanding and not that she's committing to saving her marriage. She doesn't appear to appreciate coercion of any sort. It will only further frustrate her.

If she's raising children and you're supporting her, she may be terrified of her feelings or lack of feelings for you, because she's afraid to be alone with children and she may even be afraid no one will want her as a single mom with children. The fear sort of emotionally paralyzes her.

One way or the other, she's afraid. If you can't break through the fear, you'll just have a lot more waiting and then likely heartbreak after all.

I hope this gives you some good ideas. It sounds like there's a part of her that really doesn't want to lose you and it doesn't sound like you want to lose her. She just sounds scared, frustrated and a little lost. I don't think she's graduated to "cold-hearted b****" just yet and it sounds like she's trying to avoid it.

I think you should try some things then decide on a specific day in time that you will give a loving ultimatum, the ultimatum to include a date by which she must take definitive action. Otherwise you'll be tempted to unfaithfulness due to your own needs not having been met for far too long. Whatever you do, remain faithful until you decide you're done. Don't compromise your integrity and don't give her reason to distrust you. Sometimes divorce itself shocks a person out of paralysis.

Best wishes!