Hi all,
I've been following the MB philosophy for the past 6 weeks or so. Unfortunately I am unable to stop the online emotional affair WW has been having and we seem destined to go the divorce route.

Details here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

any help or advice is appreciated.

Many thanks,
-JC

JustCoz, i see you have the OM's phone #. Have you done a reverse look up on it to get his name? Can you do a background check on him? He may be married, and if so, you could bust this up by calling his wife and family.

As far as her carrying on her affair from your house, I would ask her to take her affair conversations elsewhere. Let her go to Starbucks or to a local flophouse. It is extremely disrespectful for her to carry on her affair conversations from YOUR HOME.

Does her whole family know all about the affair? Are they all clear on this and have they spoken to her about it?

Hi Melody - thanks for the response,
I do have the number but it is an 800 number and I suspect not traceable easily. What reverse lookup services are good? They all seem to charge, at least for cell number lookups. She tells me he's not married and from the hours that they have been conversing (very late his time) I suspect she's telling the truth but who can tell what to believe?

I HAVE asked her not to carry on while living in the house that we built together. She continues and I know she can't wait for me to go back to work so she can continue to talk all day while I work. From the call logs it looks like she's called as much as 20x/day.

I've spoken to everyone on both sides of the family and although she told some of them she was leaving she hadn't told anyone there was someone else until I broke the news. They've all become concerned that she's been lying (many asked her if there was someone else and she said no) and that she's leaving for him when they know nothing about him. However, as I posted in the other thread, I fear she's told them that I'm spreading FUD and skewing the facts so they have gone silent.

-JC

Try this: www.anywho.com or www.intellius.com. If you can't get his name and address from that, call this PI, Frank Music, and he can get the information for you for around $135. He can also do a background check but I don't know what he charges for that. He has helped others here and is very reasonable and very honest. Ask for him when you call. http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/

Your wife does not know if he is married or not. She only knows what he has told her. And the fact that he is talking to her at all hours does not mean he is not married. Your wife talks to him at all hours and SHE is married!


But you HAVE given them the true facts about her affair, right? She can't convincingly lie to them if they have the facts from you.

I would have a discussion with her about your future. Let her know that you will not live in a marriage with an ongoing affair and that it will have to end. Let her know that she will have to move out and support herself she intends on continuing her affair. You will not be financing her affair and will keep the house. Just let her know that there is no future unless she ends her affair.

Thanks again, Melody <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've looked at anywho and many other paths lead to intellius. Perhaps I will contact frank although it sound like I already know the most important thing he can tell me that she is continuing the affair.

She knows she can't continue the affair while staying married. I suspect that is why she's proceeding with the divorce, despite my regular reassurances that Iwant to work on the marriage if only for our daughter;s sake.

I HAVE given the family the true facts about the affair - they know she has been lying to them but she is their DD after all and they are motivated to protect her. I only hope that they will become more concerned as things become more serious - she meets with her lawyer tomorrow so I must set up an appointment with mine.

She has said she doesn't want the house - she knows that she can't keep it up without my support - today she said that I could keep the house running without her, however. I suspect she wants me to buy her half of the house so she has some money to live on and to find a new home for DD.

thanks again - feeling like the only path is to continue with Plan A while she proceeds with divorce and to let her realize what I can bring to the relationship that she doesn't yet know she'll miss.

Apologies for typos in my drunken state o.O
-JC

Wow, that is two nights of being drunk. How often does that happen?

Believer, Not as often as it might seem. Since the end of August when this all came out I think I've gotten drunk two or three times - last night and the night before was more of a buzz (3 beers) than being drunk. Last night WW went out to the bars by herself without her rings and I felt I needed to numb the pain a bit. I'm not a heavy drinker and never really have been but the thought of my beautiful wife alone in a bar and feeling like she's single was a bit much for me to handle.

-JC

No, you don't know the most important thing AT ALL, HIS NAME and marital status and contact #s so you can expose on his END. You might be able to bust up this affair that way. That is why it is so important to get this information. He could be a pastor even! Knowledge is POWER.

Hadn't considered all that, Melody. I will have to ponder my next move. Also considered giving this guy a call, if just to get additional perspectives and options to consider
http://www.drstansbury.com/online.htm

-JC

Yes, you can give him a call, but FIRST find out who he is,what he does and if he is married so you can see if there are any exposure opportunities. You want to do that before you tip your hand. THEN you can call him up and have a chat and ask him what his intentions are.

Hey Melody,
I think you misunderstood - I meant I was considering calling the counselor that i provided the link to above. I am looking up the number on intellius and am considering finding a local PI (Frank Music is local to virginia apparently).

-JC

JustCoz, if you are going to call a counselor, why not call the most qualified, Steve Harley of Marriage Builders??? He has a great track record and uses MB principles.

And you can use Frank Music to look up #'s and get background checks. You only can't use him if you need someone tailed locally.

Thanks Melody,
I've considered calling Dr. Harley but I guess I assumed that he is fairly succesful without much time for individual counseling these days. Good to know about Frank - I'll keep that under consideration, especially if he has a good track record and a reputation amongst MB'ers.

Thanks again!
-JC

JustCoz,

IF she is in fact meeting an attorney tomorrow let me warn you about something.

Attorney's first priority is getting paid. They often...first and foremost...advise their clients to get the money. If you have joint bank accounts they he/she will tell her to immediately go to the bank and clean it out. Telling her to immediately set up a individual account for herself. They may just encourage her to charge up a large retainer on your joint credit card.

I'd seriously consider beating her to the bank. If it's just the 3 of you...wife, child and you...divide the assets into 3...take 2/3rds (1/3 each for you and your daughter) and place it in a new individual bank account in your own name. This is done not to abscond with the money but to protect your families money for her irrational behavior. Cancel all joint cards immediately. IF she is to rack up attorney fees or whatever...she does so on her own individual card.

Finally...on JFO we discussed the internet cable. I still think you should cancel it. Order yourself Dish Network so you can get good television. Soon, as you stated she'll switch the cable to her own name (make this hard by warning the cable company that you are turning it off to keep your daughter from her on-line addiction and they may need your wife to PROVE who she is and that she's actually an adult by coming in to set up the service). IF and when they do turn the cable back on...by that time...take a shovel or wire snips and actually cut the cable in the ground or at the entrance point to the house. IF it's underground...the shovel is enough because they won't know where it's cut and have to run a new line. IF it's overhead, chew it up where it enters the house and make it appear an animal must have done it. This will just delay the whole process of her getting the online service reestablished. Maintain YOUR innocence and you can just keep doing it.

I know that it's childish but the OM is overseas....eventually this could all become a hassle to him. Plus...this is MORE than just an OM addiction...it's an escape addiction on the internet. I think the internet has to go just as much as OM. She needs to withdraw from both.

Mr. Wondering

JC, Dr. Harley's son and daughter, Steve and Jennifer, are licensed marriage coaches who do the counseling. They are both extremely good. Dr. Harley only attends to those call his radio show [for free] and those who attend the weekend seminars. You can get phone coaching with Steve or Jennifer by clicking on the "counseling center" link at the top.

Thanks MrW,
She met with her attorney TODAY for three hours. I understand she filled out paperwork and they discussed how to serve me (at home, at work or to my attorney - they agreed the last was the most "humane" way). She did not offer any of their conversation but by asking I was able to determine they also discussed custody options and I asked if she was paid and she said yes, she had paid from our joint checking account. I asked if she had advised on any financial issues and she said, "no, not really" and when pressed a little said "no, she didn't discuss our finances"

My father suggested transferring the money as you suggested. I then spoke with the divorce expert at my father's firm and he admitted he counsels for this action when living expenses are an issue but he warned that this throws "fuel on the fire" so I opted to wait to see IF she'd meet with her attorney and took the gamble that she might not get the same advice. She keeps saying she wants to end amicably and she knows that doing this would make it uncomfortable for the duration.

I do not have cable internet, wherein lies the rub. I live in the woods and there is no cable service here - we have DSL, which means no telephone if there is no internet service by the means you suggest. I DO agree that there is an escape addiction to the Net (very well put). She even said at 2:00am as she was screaming at me that I was controlling her life that the internet is where she's gone to escape from her life for the past two years. Later she admitted she was out of control that night but insisted that it was about more than me controlling the internet, although she didn't have a response when I reminded her that was all that I had attempted to control or change.

She obviously needs to withdraw from both but unfortunately she seems to have hidden it from her parents and friends well enough that I will be (have been?) painted as unreasonable for suggesting her internet addiction and my attempts to break her of it considered manipulative, cruel and retalitory.

-JC

Good to know, Melody - I feel helpless at this point but it can't hurt I suppose.
-JC

If you have a loan on your car or a joint credit card balance that could be paid off with monies sitting in the joint account now my be a time to pay it.

Your car would really work the best since you'll get to keep your personal property should a divorce occur. But either way you won't be allowing her to take off with your family cash thereby availing herself of numerous options...including renting her own place.

Do cell phones work where you live....if so, turn off the home phone and even if she tries to reactivate...snip the wires where they enter the home.

It will take numerous trips in by the phone company to reactivate.

You just sit back and indicate that family money should not be utilized to support her addictions (OM and the internet). Webcam???? Open it up and clip a wire...dang thing doesn't work. Oh well.

Maintain your innocence. It's quite effective to look a lying WS in the eye and say "what webcam...didn't know you had one...that's disturbing...does Mr. Manchester boy have teeth?".

Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mr. W,
These are interesting and somewhat devious ideas - at least they've got me thiking. Waiting on the intellius report and it feels like forever - has anyone used a service they like for background checks, assuming I can find a legit name?

I like the snoopstick you posted in the other thread but we're mac users, which limits our options. Also, she refuses to remove the passprotection, which would be essential.

Thanks again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-JC