Here is the short version. A little over a year ago the affair began. Well for the past year I have done the back and forth thing. I sought the help of a therapist and she was enabling me to stay with the OW. Well I have stoped seeking her help. We were on plan A but had a significantly bad false start whihc was my fault. I cant make it through the withdrawl phase. I told the OW today I miss my family and that she needs to stay away from me. Becuase she is so in love with me and lonely she will keep draging me back in. So I need help in finding the stength to let the inner me shine through. Can anyone offer up some tips or support? thanks - Mike

mmaibohm

You HAVE to establish No Contact. NONE, NADA, ZERO.

YOU have to find the strength to do this IF you want to re-establish your family relationship.

Do not respond to OW...no answering phone, no email, no text messaging, no returning messages, no physical contact at all. If she shows up where you are, leave. If she continues to contact you after she's been told not to do so I would consider a restraining order. If you work with her you'd better look for another job. Without NC you will not be able to move forward.

If you are a praying man...get on your knees and ask the Lord to provide your strength, he'll never fail you.

((((prayers for strength for you)))

Start by writing her a no contact letter. It should be short, and NOT sweet - Dear OW- Our relationship was a huge mistake and is not fair to my wife and family. I love my wife and am moving on WITHOUT you. Don't contact me for any reason. The end.

Then change your numbers so she can't contact you. Block her emails. If she shows up somewhere, repeat that you want nothing to do with her.

I'm sure it will feel like you are being cruel to her. But right now you are being cruel to your family, yourself, and the OW. Do the right thing and END it.

If you can scrape some money together, call the Harley's, even if it is only for one session. It is a lot cheaper than divorce, which is where you are headed.

Divorce is where it's heading the moment. Heck I really dont know if my wife would even want to try again. The two false starts have hurt her immensely. I know while I have been out the the home she has been dating. I also know she has had sex with some one else also. During this time which lends problems all their own. Since a few times with the guy were in the marital home I signed over to her. I have been out of the home for over a year now. I still dont really understand my feelings. Plan B no contact other than exchnage of info about our daughter has been followed. SO my wife is now not meeting any emotionals needs. Yet I find myself in the same place again. I am not even sure what I am holding on to. I still dont know if it's I truely love my wife or it's guilt and what not. Im trying to stand strong only a few hours into the breakup. Which is tough lol since I used to spend every waking moment. Having some sort of contact with the ow.

Are you sure you want her back as your W or is it the selfish desire NOT to allow someone else to have her? Think hard and deep about this, your A is based on a very ingrained selfish desire one that will start showing up in other parts of our life and RUIN you.

Change your IC and do the following:

1. Read SAA (surviving an affair) by Dr. Harley.
2. Read HNHN(his needs/her needs) by Dr. Harley.
3. Take the EN questionnaire (emotional needs) located above. Once as you and once as her or get her to try it.

4. Secure your finances
5. Identify your EN and boundaries.
6. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling ASAP.

These actions will help remove that selfish virus from your soul and put you on the road to personal recovery. It may let your W see your changes and make you look attractive to her once again. No guarantee for her changes but at minimum your changes will help you heal, recover and move forward.

Get going. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Actually I wasnt to phased by her and the guy. What I am worried about is. Maybe I just want my house my dogs back together and to have my daughter 100%. I worry it's not my wife that draws me back but just extreme loss.

Is the OW married? If you have been separated from your wife for a year and don't even know if you want her back, I'm wondering why you didn't just file for divorce, and continue happily into the sunset with the OW.

If the OW is married you need to expose this affair to her H immediately. You have harmed him too and he has a right to know.

Does your wife even want you back??

I am not sure she does.Since our last false start we are on a no contact plan. Only comm is to exchange info about daughter and drop off and pick up.

Ok today I told other woman this is for good and pointed out every reason why. I spoke to my wife yesterday and she didnt out right say yes. But I know she just doesnt want to endure another false start. Im feeling like myself might becoming back. I had been quite depressed and had little interest in anything. Well not to start other wars it's hunting season again. My blood started to boil again and I took to the field. There has been some great men that have made some profound statements. The first which I think means the most. The bow is the tool the code is the way. This goes beyond hunting. The code is the way we live our lives with reverence and respect and ethics. I had lost my code or thought I had. Turns out it was tucked in my pocket lol. The second I think came inresponse to the westward movement back in the day. Some men take to the wilderness to seek redemption and others find madness. I do believe in the wilderness I have found redemption. To quote Thom pace
Deep inside the forest
Is a door into another land
Here is our life and home
We are staying, here forever
In the beauty of this place all alone
We keep on hopi-in'

Maybe
There's a world where we don't have to run
And maybe
There's a time we'll call our own
Livin' free in harmony and majesty
Take me ho-ome
Take me home